


Eta Carinae Nebula

by linatrinch



Series: Carinae [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Human AU, M/M, Modern AU, Romance, Single Parent AU, Tattoo AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-04-02 11:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 91,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4057927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Lu saw Balthzar, he almost felt young again - almost felt like the world could be his again - and he could tell that this could only mean trouble. Balcifer, Modern!AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Eta Carinae Nebula: NGC 2264](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423195) by [linatrinch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch). 



“Shots! Shots! Shots!”

“No. No shots.”

“Shots! Shots!”

“Gabriel, I'm serious.”

“Shots! Shots! Shots! Sh-!”

Lucifer swiftly downed the vodka, causing his little brother to squeal in utter delight. He clapped while Lu made a face and slammed the glass down. “Good job, champ!”

“That was awful.”

“It's whipped cream flavored. C'mon. Gets better with time. Shots! Shots!” His hand banged on the table with his rhythm.

The elder groaned at Gabriel's enthusiasm. Considering his brother was still sober and not an excited drunk, it was a completely unwarranted celebration. “Why are you trying to get me hammered?” he asked flatly, hoping to diffuse everything before it really got going.

“Because you never come out with me,” Gabriel happily answered, not even trying to deny his attempts at getting Lucifer drunk. “We need to party tonight, man. We never do this.”

“Don't you have work in the morning?”

“I'm not the one getting drunk tonight. C'mon, Lucy. Knock it back.”

Lu shook his head, making another sour face partly at the idea of drinking that stuff again and partly at his age old nickname. “If I knock anything back, it has to taste better than this shit.”

Gabriel clapped him on the back and motioned towards the bar for something different to head their way. Whatever he was going to order had to be better than what they just had.

Lu decided to take the opportunity to awkwardly glance around the bar. It had been years since he went out drinking like this so the feeling of misplacement was swelling higher in his chest with every sickly sweet shot Gabe put in front of him. At least the place wasn't terrible, but that was only because the music hadn't started yet. Then surely the headache would follow. God, when did he get so old?

“All right.” Gabriel's voice brought him back for the moment as someone approached their table. “Tell the nice man what you want.”

Lu looked up to him with something akin to pleading in his eyes. “I don't want to be wrecked in the morning.”

“Better make it rum, then,” Gabe teased. “Rum makes for a happy Lu.” A little more horny than happy really, which gave him pause seeing as his brother knew that.

While the bartender sauntered away with their order, Lu huffed. “Whatever happens, I'm going home alone tonight.” Gabriel isn't above getting his friends hammered and laid if he had a mind for it.

“Not with the drinks you've had. Someone's gotta drive-”

“You know what I mean,” Lu nearly growled. “What game are you up to this time?”

“Nothing.” Gabe looked appalled at the mere suggestion for a quick second before switching back to that smirking face. “I just want you to enjoy your night out with us, Lu. That's all. Stop being so paranoid.” One had to always be paranoid when dealing with Gabriel. Then the younger brother suddenly turned and screamed across the bar, making Lu flinch. “Mikey!”

Michael turned at the sound of his name from his perch near the DJ, flirting with a few girls gathered nearby. A smile practically jumped on his face as he waved back, saying something to his gaggle of potential lovers before taking a few long strides back to his family. “Hey, Lu. Drunk yet?”

“I had one shot so far,” the other answered him so meekly that it even sounded pathetic to his own ears. God, five years ago he would have destroyed this bar.

“That's a yes,” Gabe cut in. “Of course our lightweight is drunk.”

Mikey laughed and swung his leg over the back of a stool to sit with them. “Music's about to start,” he laughed at his twin, doing a little shimmy on the barstool. “Wanna dance?”

Lu made a play at considering it. “Do I want to dance to club music with my brothers? Hmm.” That vodka was enough to make the lights a little blurry for a brief moment, not that he was about to mention that. He didn't want to mix drinks, but he definitely didn't want to go out there in the hot, sweaty dance floor where those damn kids will probably start gyrating against him. Though, he didn't really see many people much younger than him out in the crowd tonight, but his reasoning still stood.

“You'll have fun,” Mikey laughed, nudging his arm. “God knows you-”

Whatever he said was drowned out as the music suddenly started up with a mad rush. Several patrons abandoned their drinks or just ran out to dance with liquor in hand as the house lights dimmed and lasers and strobes began. Geez, the place was trying to be a club.

Gabriel's hand smacked down on the table, and Lu hardly even heard it. “That's my song!” he screamed faintly, making Michael's smile grow.

“C'mon!” The twin nudged at Lu again. “One song!”

Just then, thankfully, mercifully, the bartender sat down a glass of straight rum in front of Lu. The guy left before he could be thanked, but Lu still raised his glass to show off his new excuse.

Gabe screamed again, “You can drink later!” There was a hint of irony here seeing as he was screaming about shots not two minutes ago, but Lu didn't feel like putting in the effort to voice it. Instead, he took a sip of his new drink, half ass ignoring them.

It worked a bit. “C'mon,” Mikey screamed over to Gabriel. “He'll see us having fun and follow us!”

Gabriel blinked to him, paused, then screamed, “What?”

“He'll see us having fun and-!”

Lu leaned closer to Gabriel. “He's telling you to go fucking dance!”

“Fuck who?”

Michael laughed and grabbed his little brother's arm to drag him away from the table. He followed along easily enough to prove that he had been playing them.

While it wasn't necessarily quiet, Lu still leaned an arm over the table while cradling his drink in the other hand, enjoying not being pestered about having fun since he left his place a few hours ago. Gabriel and Michael blended into the crowd so easily that he lost the pair a few times while watching over them. Nothing overrated was really happening tonight – not to mention they were both grown men who could more than handle themselves – and they seemed to really be having fun. Lu idly wondered if they did this every weekend.

He slipped at the rum again, letting it burn slow and sweet through his throat, until a voice spoke in his ear, “Wanna dance?” Same words, but it definitely wasn't Michael this time.

Lu turned to see a man he didn't know leaning down to his ear. With the darkness, numbing music, and alcohol in his veins, he had missed this guy's approach. However, he also somehow missed when the other man put one arm on the table and the other on Lu's chair, nearly trapping him in. That smirk didn't look as malicious, though. Predatory, sure. Lu blinked up at the blonde hair and blue eyes before coming back around to the question and he leaned closer to talk. “Maybe about five years ago!”

A different smile bloomed across the blonde's face, one that was more genuine and less predatory that all around looked better on him. “If you're too old for dancing, I should be in the ground right now!”

Lu smiled, too, noticing a hint of some sort of accent and not missing the way the other man's eyes looked him up and down with that same grin before nodding to the dance floor. Lu glanced out there himself – spotting Gabriel having what looked like the time of his life, which is basically how he looked all the time – before looking back to the blonde. Shamelessly, he looked him over, too. Black v-neck that fit him a bit too well, jeans, and leather boots. That was it, that was the whole ensemble, and he looked practically delicious in it. He also knew it.

Mikey and Gabe would drag him out to the dance floor one way or another. He might as well do it on his own terms. With one last glance to the handsome blonde, Lu took another gulp of his rum for luck before standing. Those blue eyes sparkled in the dull lights, but the man turned and led the way all the same, half surprising Lu when he lightly grabbed his wrist.

Jesus, he was a teenager again. Getting picked up by a guy at a bar? What was he thinking? But now they were well into the throng of people and the blonde was turning back to him with that same smirk. He didn't even look to be up to any good, but it wasn't like Lu was stopping him or anything either. When was the last time he even danced? He doesn't dance. This is ridiculous.

But the other man pulled him closer by the wrist and they were suddenly dancing, still being pulled along by the blonde's lead. Not that Lu minded right now. While the other man danced and worried away at getting the strawberry blonde as close as possible – like his game wasn't obvious – Lu took the brief moment to really study him the best he could under these damned strobe lights. He was tanned, though it looked less artificial and more like a working man's tan, and pretty built. Not heavy stocked, but the muscles were clear enough on his lean frame. The half sleeve tattoo on his left arm only seemed to accent that, of what Lu could see of it. Then there was another tattoo wisping up the man's neck on his right side and Lu had to pause and wonder just what those looked like with this man's shirt off. He also had crow's feet and a few notable wrinkles, but they certainly didn't hurt his looks in the least. If anything, he looked even more handsome with them and, likely, he knew that, too. He seemed to know exactly how good he looked.

From the way their hips were beginning to brush together, it was also clear that the mystery blonde had no intentions of going home alone tonight, either. While that was an intriguing thought to fantasize about later, it was best to not lead him on too much.

Lu moved closer to the blonde, stopping just shy of his ear and neck and that increasingly tantalizing tattoo. The man took the opportunity to brush closer. “I don't think we're after the same things tonight!” Lu yelled over the music, smiling despite himself at how much the guy was trying anyway. It was almost flattering.

“Oh?” He sounded amused over the pulsing beats. “And what are you after?”

Lu felt the blonde's hands begin to trace his ribs, but he let the guy do it. Instead, he glanced out to the dance floor, assuming he'd see a brother or two instead of just a crowd of people while he tried to think of an answer. Why on Earth had he come out tonight, anyway? “Just a little fun!”

He was close enough that Lu felt a smile against his cheek. They were practically belly rubbing and, if the guy kept up, they'd be grinding in no time. That wouldn't be good, considering how attractive he was. “I'm plenty fun!” the mystery blonde answered, snapping Lu back to the moment and out of that daydream.

“I wasn't after that much fun!” he answered back, laughing at their stupid conversation and this stupid dancing and his stupid brothers for doing this whole thing.

The man pulled back to face Lu head on. “What's too much?” he asked over the music, still close enough to hear one another, still close enough for Lu to smell cologne and bourbon and maybe shampoo or sweat or whatever it was that made looking this guy in his impossibly blue eyes a little bit dizzying. This. This was already starting to be too much, then Lu made the mistake of letting his body lead his thoughts and glanced down to the man's lips.

He wasn't taken by surprise or anything. The other man closed the distance nice and slow, even drawing his hand to the back of Lu's neck right before, as if asking to see if this was welcome. Apparently, it was. Lu's mind worried over how to push the guy off without making himself seem ungrateful, while his hands traveled over the man's chest and his lips returned the kiss a bit too hungrily. He blamed the rum. The rum that he drank hardly half a glass of. It was definitely the rum and not the way this man – who, by the way, was still a complete and total stranger – ran his fingers through his hair and gently grabbed at him to keep him in place. It suddenly occurred to him just how long it's been, then the man opened his mouth to his and all thought stopped for a moment, the music pounding in his ears as a dull, far off bass.

He couldn't hear it – he couldn't really hear anything – but the man's chest rumbled something that could have easily been a growl or moan and that was way too much fun for one night. Lu peeled himself away from this ridiculously attractive hound and he was loathe to admit that it was almost physically painful to do so. The other man let him, giving a big smile to Lu who just focused on catching his breath and not getting too caught up in those eyes again. “I should probably find my brothers!” The other man's smile grew, shoulders gently shaking in a little laugh. Lu composed himself again. “Thanks!”And now he felt like an idiot.

“It was my complete and utter pleasure!” he replied with that gorgeous fuck-me grin. “What's your name?”

It was Lu's turn to smirk. “You wouldn't believe me if I told you!” And with that, he began to back away from the man who still gently held on to his arm and kept holding on until Lu was out of reach. They watched each other before Lu finally turned away from him, grin now permanently etched in place. That was so stupid. Dancing at a fucking bar with a fucking stranger who he just fucking made out with. He couldn't help but smile.

Mikey was already leaning against their table with yet another woman standing next to him. That was good. Maybe his brothers didn't catch sight of the mystery man. Michael did point at him, though. “That's Lu, my brother!” he told the brunette girl in far too few clothes who innocently waved back while mouthing a “ _hi_.”

Lu waved, too, still feeling stupidly giddy before someone clapped him on the shoulder, startling him. For a brief moment, he could have sworn it was the man again, but it was only Gabriel. His little brother turned out to be far worse as he leaned up towards Lu's ear and asked, “Who was the blonde guy?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Gabriel saw them. He saw them talking, dancing, kissing, everything, and he wasn't exactly quiet about his discovery either, especially after realizing Lu never even caught the guy's name. That was the mantra going through Lu Pellegrino's mind as he stared at the ceiling tiles above his bed, hopelessly trying to fall asleep. His thoughts kept returning to that blonde man, so he distracted himself with being annoyed at his little brother.

Really, it wasn't like he was embarrassed or anything. Not once did he blush at all the crude jokes Gabe and Michael made about the situation. It was just the fact that such a wonderful moment had been turned into a joke at all, but he reasoned it was for the best. Kissing that man was so stupid. So, he went along with the poking and the giggles, even if it got annoying after a bit. The guy may have reminded him how long it's been since he's been with someone like that, but his brothers sure haven't forgotten in the first place. Thankfully, all they really wanted was to see him out there having fun.

Lu huffed and rolled over to face the alarm clock, finally allowing his mind to wander wherever it damn well pleased. He had to get up early, as usual, and trying to keep that man out of his head wasn't going to happen tonight.

* * *

Saturdays weren't usually a slow day at the shop, seeing as how most people didn't have time to get new tires or change their oil until the weekend, but today was so slow that Lu's boss made him take off early. Not that it was a great thing. He needed the money, but the extra check at least kept them above sea level. At least Gabriel paid for the drinks at the bar.

He left without putting up too much of a fuss and decided to call Castiel at the first red light. The phone rang three times before someone answered. “ _Hello?_ ”

Lu knitted his brows as the traffic started moving again. “Sam, is that you?”

“ _Who's-?_ ”

“It's Lu,” he chuckled. Castiel and Sam were both old college buddies – Sam being a bit more than a buddy in those days seeing as how they roomed together – but those two had known each other since at least high school before Lu met them. Cas and Sam's brother had been dating for at least eight years.

“ _I should have guessed_ ,” Sam answered, the smile evident in his voice, “ _How've you been? I figured if I hung out here long enough, I'd see you at some point._ ”

“Same old same. I was calling cause the boss let me off early.”

“ _Early? It's like noon._ ”

Lu glanced to the dashboard clock, annoyed. He was well aware of how much time he was losing. It almost made him paranoid about his place in the job and whether or not he should start looking around for something else soon. “Early, like I said. How've you been doing, anyway?”

“ _Good, good_ ,” the other replied, voice seldom cackling in the phone while Lu drove under a few overpasses. “ _Got a new tattoo about two weeks ago_ ,” he continued, “ _I've been meaning to tell you about it. I heard you were shopping around, and this place was pretty nice. They did a good job._ ”

He had been looking around, for all his recent money saving habits. There were two wings on his back, a pentagram on his chest, barbed wire on his bicep, and the Bible verse 2 Corinthians 11:14 on his leg. College had been full of experimentation, to put it lightly, but it was high time for something new. “How expensive was it?” That was the big question.

“ _Not bad. Maybe a little more than usual, but it wasn't outrageous_ ,” Sam explained, “ _It's a Colt Revolver on my right shoulder, color and all. I'll show it to you when you get here._ ”

The younger of the Winchester brothers certainly sounded pretty pleased about it. “I'm about ten minutes out now. I'll see it soon. Just let Cas know I'm on the way so he can fix whatever they've been up to today.”

Sam laughed. “ _They've been watching movies all day since Dean was at work. No mischief. Besides, I'm here to keep too much of that from happening._ ”

“And what a God send you've been, Sammy. Gabriel's too much of a bad influence, so at least you're there.” Sam and Gabe have had a lot of flirting tension between them lately that didn't go unnoticed with everyone else in their group of friends, so of course Lu was going to throw his brother in the conversation.

Sam just laughed again. “ _Gabe's great with kids._ ”

“Too great,” Lu grumbled. “I'm at another red light. I'll see you soon.”

“ _Yeah, see ya._ ”

He hung up and was almost excited about spending a little more time with Lily than usual. She'd definitely enjoy that.

* * *

The townhouse that Cas and Dean shared was actually pretty damn nice, with a tiny backyard and everything. Dean worked in the office of a local news station, but Cas was a stay at home computer programmer who didn't mind doing a little babysitting on the side sometimes. Their golden retriever, Alfie, was basically what won Lily over, though. They couldn't have pets in the apartment.

It was Sam who opened the door, giving a big smile when seeing Lu. They might have been fuck buddies once upon a time, but the friendship had stuck with no nasty strings attached, thankfully. “Just in time,” Sam smiled, stepping aside for the other to come in, “They're just finishing up Meet The Robinsons.”

“Ah, that's her favorite,” Lu laughed, finally finding the reason as to why she stayed still with a dog in the house. Still, he kept his voice low. “You tell her I was coming?”

“Told Cas,” he said after closing the door. “I don't think she heard. Too wrapped up in the movie.”

Before he could even finish speaking, Lu quietly moved to the living room, peering in. Castiel was sitting on the couch, Alfie half in his lap, and Lily was sitting on the floor, completely entranced in the movie. Lu had seen it himself so many times that he could probably quote it from beginning to end. He stopped at the doorway and stood there for a beat. When it was clear she wasn't going to look his way, Lu finally cleared his throat. “Hey, Little Bit.”

Her bright blue eyes snapped over to him. The sight of him must have taken a second to register, but a big smile bloomed across her face quickly enough. “Daddy, you're home!” she screamed, scrambling to her little feet and running over to him for a hug.

“Yep. I got off early, bug,” he smiled, leaning down to pick her up. She was getting bigger and he was getting older. Before too long, he wouldn't be able to pick her up anymore, but dammit if he wasn't going to keep trying until the day he died. When she was on his hip and at about eye level, he smiled to her. “We have the rest of the day now. You have fun at Cas'?”

“Yes!” she giggled. “Alfie was bad. It was funny.”

It was pretty funny whenever Cas had to get stern, he'd admit. The man in question, and the dog that certainly didn't look to be in any trouble, had already approached them. “He tried to get in the garbage,” Castiel explained, smirking to Lily, “Luckily, he didn't have help.”

“He was hungry,” she pouted in an entirely too fake way.

Lu laughed. “Well, we're going to go soon,” he told Lily, “but Sammy promised to show me his new tattoo. Did you see it yet?”

Her eyes lit up, but she shook her head, looking over to Sam now. She had a fascination about Lu's wings that suddenly made the idea of tattoos amazing to her. Unfortunately, she was almost always disappointed with the results if they weren't like her daddy's wings. For all the beauty they were, he certainly paid a hefty sum for it.

Sam stripped off his jacket, throwing it on a nearby chair. “Prepare yourself,” he told Lily with a smile, before turning around and hiking his shirt up.

Lu was impressed. The gun was done very well, even with a sugar skull design on the grip that was enough art in itself.

“Why'd you get a gun?” Lily pouted.

“Yeah, Sam,” Lu agreed, looking over the new tattoo carefully, “Don't you know guns are bad? Hoodlum.”

“I like it,” Sam laughed. “I don't think it came out bad and the price was reasonable.”

Lu nodded. “It came out very well. Where was this place?”

The Winchester finally put his shirt back on right as he turned to face them. “Seventh Heaven. It's in that new shopping center downtown they built a few months ago, but I think they've been in business awhile somewhere else.”

“Well,” Pellegrino smirked, looking to his daughter, “what you think about daddy getting a new tattoo?”

Again, her face lit up like Christmas morning but Sam cut in. “I'd go by there and set up an appointment. They were crazy busy when I went. Apparently, I'm not the only one recommending them. I don't remember the name of the guy who did mine, but he was the only blonde one there.”

That got her excited. “Let's go, daddy! I wanna go see!” Lu had told her the process of getting a tattoo – needles and all – but he wondered if she would still love them that much when they were up close and personal like that. Maybe getting her off this kick now was for the better before she turned sixteen and came home with a full sleeve in the middle of the night or something.

“All right,” he chuckled, patting her hair down with his free hand, “We'll swing by on the way home, okay?”

* * *

It was only after he parked that he wondered if kids were allowed inside. Some shops were kind of strict about it, but it wasn't like he planned on getting inked right this second.

He glanced over to her, all happy and excited about seeing a fucking tattoo shop, and figured it was too late to do anything about it now. “You coming, Little Bit?” he asked, unbuckling his seat belt.

She flung open her door and jumped out of the car, nearly running inside before Lu caught her hand. “Nu-uh. You stay with me, okay?”

“Okay,” she said without even so much as a whine or pout. It was like she was going to the zoo for the first time or something, but Lu tucked that analogy away for another time.

Lu opened the door for her, immediately noticing the three people waiting on the benches. Well, seems like Sam was right. Lily, on the other hand, was gasping and tilting her head every which way, looking at all the designs on the walls. Once he reached the front desk, Lu let her look around the entrance, keeping one eye on her.

The girl behind the desk, a red head with a nice smile, was just as happy to see Lily as the child was to see the shop. “She's so cute. What's her name?”

“Thanks. She's Lily,” Lu answered, happy that he was getting a pleasant reaction for bringing her in. At the sound of her name, Lily turned and waved to the girl before going back to the designs.

“She's adorable,” the girl said, waving back, before quickly clearing her throat. “Anyway, sorry. I'm Anna. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Yeah, I wanted to set up an appointment. Sometime next week after four would be perfect.” Anna nodded, looking down to her computer, before Lu went on. “I just wanted a word or two. Something simple. A friend of mine recommended a blonde guy, but he couldn't remember his name.”

She nodded again, smiling at the computer. “That's Balthazar. He should be free on Tuesday around 4:30.”  _Balthazar_ . How could Sam not remember a name like that? Anna turned and leaned over to look further into the shop. “Balthy, I'm putting you down for Tuesday evening. Your client's up here.”

Lu was about to ask about an estimate of the cost until someone walked out from behind a corner. For a brief moment, the world stopped turning as the blonde from the night before sauntered over, peeling off latex gloves and tossing them in a bin before even looking up to him and putting on a polite smile. “How can I... help-...?” Yes, that was definitely an accent.

The blonde guy,  _Balthazar_ apparently, slowly recognized him, too. His reaction, however, was a sudden, wicked grin and a new shine in his eyes. He was just as handsome, too, the v-neck traded out for a blue button down shirt with the first few undone. With that come hither glare, he looked fucking delicious. It did nothing to change Lu's reaction.

“Daddy, I like the butterflies!” Lily was suddenly there, pulling at his sleeve, but he couldn't look away from that man and the sudden train wreck this situation was. He watched Balthazar glance down to his daughter and slowly grow the same face Lu had.

Lily looked up to her dad. “Get the butterflies. They're so pretty.” She tugged on his shirt sleeve, eventually realizing his attention was somewhere else. Following his line of sight, she found another man who was staring down at her. Lily stared up at him, too, before pointing and tugging on the sleeve again. “Daddy, who's he?”

_Now_ Lu was blushing.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and stuff. I'm really glad you guys like this fic. I should mention, a lot of this is inspiration from L. Alex Greene's works, particularly "Skin And Ink" for this one, but the extent of that is basically the tattoo shop... more or less. Anyway, if you like this, please go check that out. You'd love it.
> 
> Also let it be known that I know fuck all about tattoos, yay.
> 
> Enjoy!

It didn't usually happen with men, not that Balthazar had much of a preference, but the strawberry blonde at the Wolves' Den instantly caught his eye. He couldn't figure out exactly why, though. It was obvious that the man wasn't there to find some company. In fact, he looked to have been all but dragged there, but Balthazar was attracted nonetheless. And then he agreed to a dance.

That kiss was too good. That man tasted too good. Then he had the gall – the fucking audacity – to not give up his name. Balthazar couldn't help but love it. Even though he eventually went home alone that night, he entertained himself with many a fantasy concerning mystery man and that ridiculously dreamy taste of his.

He had only just gotten the damn man out of his mind when he saw him again, having just put in five hours on a single tattoo which took most of his focus away. But seeing him again? The night before just swam back to him and the smile appeared on his lips by their own volition. The man, of course, was shocked to see him and Balthazar wanted to do something serious about that stunned look on his face in front of coworkers, customers, and every fucking body who happened-

“Daddy, I like the butterflies!” Well, okay. Maybe not in front of the small ones- She was tugging on his arm. The little girl, the tiny little thing that couldn't be older than five, was tugging on that perfect kisser's arm and looking up to him with bright blue eyes, calling him daddy. Daddy. Fucking daddy.

His mind stalled for a moment until the girl looked over to him, dark brown hair streaming down her little back in a braid. Balthazar was well aware that he was staring at the poor thing, but Jesus Christ he couldn't bring himself to look away. She pointed to him, looking back up to the mystery man. “Daddy, who's he?”

Oh God. Oh God. That was really his daughter. He had a daughter. Oh God. Oh God, he shouldn't have kissed him. What if they hadn't stopped? What if he took the strawberry blonde home? What if Balthazar went to  _ his  _ home? What if the mother had caught them?  _ What if the girl had-? _

“Um.” Mystery man cleared his throat. “He-...” There was a ridiculously long pause, one that Balthazar had to hold his breath through. “He's... Balthazar. Apparently.” The man glanced to the little girl and back to him. “We met.”

“Oh my God.” Anna, forgotten Anna who was about to fucking destroy everything, had a hand to her mouth. “Balthy, did you-?”

“No.” His habits were well known in his circle, but he was going to put a stop to this right now. “No,” he said again, finger raised, “No.” He could hardly say anything else. “No, I did not.”

“Didn't do what?” the little one asked so innocently with a bit too much knowledge behind her bright eyes.

It was her supposed father who answered. “Nothing, sweet pea,” he bent down to pick up the girl, seeming to distract her from the current issue. “Nothing happened. We just met last night while I was out with your uncles.” Their tonsils seemed more acquainted than they were.

It was a nice picture – that ridiculously attractive man holding his cute little girl – but Balthazar glared at him like he could burst a vessel. What the fuck? That guy could have landed him in so much shit. Yes, Balthazar initiated the kiss, but he definitely wasn't the only one enjoying it. The man led him on, even a little bit, enough to at least pretend to be single.

Maybe it was his fault and he put the guy in a corner without realizing it, but why even agree to dance I the first place? There were mixed feelings and he didn't know what to think about it right now, but the man did squirm a bit under the glare.

Balthazar bit down on his cheek. “Tuesday, then?”

The other paused, blinking for a second, obviously reconsidering this tattoo expedition. “Yeah. Tuesday... I can show you what I want-”

“That would be lovely.” He would love to get a fucking second with him right now.

Mystery man nodded awkwardly and looked to the girl. “Wanna stay with Miss Anna for a quick second? Kids probably can't go back there.”

Balthazar didn't mind much so long as they were well behaved, but he wasn't about to say something otherwise. In fact, he glared at Anna to make sure she didn't either.

The little one, however, looked a tad put out on the idea of being left behind. “It won't take long,” her father promised and she reluctantly nodded.

Anna smiled and went along with it. “You can come around here if you want. I have a whole binder filled with butterfly designs.”

Suddenly delighted, the little one squirmed her way from her dad's arms and ran around the desk once safely on the floor.

Balthazar watched her, feeling like a fucking idiot. He really shouldn't. He's gone much further with worse types, but the entire situation just made him incredibly angry at the other man, almost borderline betrayed, and he reasoned he didn't get out enough if he felt so attached already. “Back here,” he tilted his head and began walking, not bothering to see if the other followed or not.

He walked past the rest of the shop where Ashe worked on a man's calf and Meg looked up from her designs in renewed interest. Balthazar ignored her and led the man as far into the back they could go without just going in the damn break room. “Good bloody thing you pushed me away then,” he grumbled, suddenly realizing he said that out loud.

The other man predictably narrowed his eyes when Balthazar turned to face him. “If I remember right,” he grumbled beneath his voice, “you kissed me, hotshot.”

Hot shot? _Hot shot?_ “You were more than pleased, according to my memory,” Balthazar argued back, making sure to keep his voice low, too.

“ _You_ asked me to dance. _You_ kept trying to get in my pants.”

“You kissed me back.” That was a poor argument and he knew it. He was losing, but dammit, he still felt like the wronged one here.

“So fucking what?” The other man threw his hands up, looking just as confused as he was pissed, and that tore it.

“So what?” the blonde gasped, “I could have been in a lot of shit, so what.”

The other rolled his eyes. “Oh, now you're going to tell me you can't be within five feet of a toddler.”

“Not the kid. The bloody mother.”

And suddenly they were at a stand still. The strawberry blonde stared at him as if the very thought of his spouse never even crossed his- “Do you really think I would have danced with you I weren't single? Do you really think I would have danced with anyone at a bar where my brothers were trying to get me drunk if I weren't single?”

Balthazar stared at him, wanting to call the bluff so badly, but the sincere annoyance on the other man's face couldn't have been made with a lie. “You're single?”

The man's sexy face twisted in frustration. “I just came here to get a damn tattoo. I'm not bachelor number fucking one.”

“Sorry!” Balthazar closed his eyes, feeling worse suddenly. Never mind that he just badly lost a customer, but now this awkward memory would haunt him for a while. He can never go back to that bar. “Sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck.” At least his voice was at a normal level again, but the universe still hated him.

The other man pinched the bridge of his nose, giving a heavy sigh. “No, it's- I would have thought the same. I would have been frustrated, too. It's okay.”

Was it really, though? He's a single father. What had happened to the mother? Balthazar felt so awkward and stupid and terrible about this. “I had no right.”

“It's okay, really. I didn't even think about it like that,” the other sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Let's just talk about that tattoo.”

Well that was a shock. “You still want me to do it?”

After a pause, the guy gave a chuckle. “You did come highly recommended. A friend of mine got a colt revolver on his shoulder form you.”

That dimly rang a bell. “The giant?”

“That's Sam,” he laughed and Balthazar smiled, too.

Somehow the situation had been salvaged. Maybe he wasn't going to get to tug on that hair anytime soon, but at least he kept the customer. It still wasn't that joyful of a thought. “All right then. What are you looking for?”

“I want my little girl's name. Lilith.”

Balthazar nodded. “Where?”

“On my back, between the shoulder blades. I want it between the tats I already have.”

“How big?”

The man paused, glancing to the front desk. “I'd like to keep it cheap.”

Of course he did. A single dad what his baby girl's name, so it was little doubt that feeding and clothing her was much higher on the list than new ink. “If money weren't an issue,” Balthazar asked without thinking, “how big?”

He looked back to the entrance again before turning around and peeling his shirt off. After the momentary shock that shouldn't have been there at all, Balthazar smirked and was glad it wasn't noticed by mystery man. “From one shoulder blade to the other,” the other answered, “between the wings. Probably about three, four inches in all.”

The wings were quite impressive. The black, red, and gold detailed feathers trailed down his back, over his ribs, the tips hiding beneath the belt of his pants. Balthazar swallowed hard and focused on the actual job. “Like...” He put his finger tips to the other man's back, using his thumb and ring finger to measure the width. “This?” It was about four by one inches in all, maybe a bit bigger.

“Ideally? Sure.” Balthazar could feel a deep vibration as the other man talked and he quickly took his hands away as he continued. “I can't afford something like that right now.”

“Nonsense,” the blonde shook his head, stepping back and reminding himself that he's not just saying this because he's thinking with the wrong head. “The least I could do is give you a _My Tattoo Artist Is An Asshole_ discount.”

Not surprisingly, the strawberry turned back to him, quite shocked. “You serious? What about your boss?”

“I am the boss,” Balthazar shrugged. “This is my shop.” He really had to stop and think, though. He couldn't just give out cheap tattoos like candy to every person he ever kissed at a bar or, worse, everyone he was an ass, too. He'd be broke. The other man's surprise at realizing Balthazar was the owner didn't even get noticed as he continued on. “How about $25 off? It's your little girl's name. Might as well get what you want.”

After a moment, the man smirked back at him. "This isn't for last night, is it?"

It was a dangerous smirk and Balthazar had to be careful to not completely return it. "Sadly, no. Trust me, it's an investment in the long run. I'd much rather keep customers coming to the shop, not have them go around town telling everyone what a jackass the owner is." And maybe it was a little for last night, but he couldn't really pin that one down. This guy was doing things to him that shouldn't even be allowed.

The strawberry blonde laughed and tugged his shirt back on. "I guess I can't argue with a deal like that."

Balthazar nodded, looking forward to Tuesday more and more the longer that shirt was still on that man's back. "I'll find a few different fonts for you to check out and decide on."

"Something big, but not bulky. Not cursive, but something that flows. And all in black."

The blonde nodded again. After pulling out a laptop, it didn't take long for the strawberry blonde to decide on something, which actually disappointed Balthazar a little. His next appointment wasn't for another thirty minutes. Did this really have to be rushed so much? He kept reminding himself over and over that this is a parent, not some bachelor he can follow home whenever he damn well pleases, but his train of thought never seemed to get off track ever since he saw those wings of his. If only he could get the chance to run his hands through them.

"L-I-L-I-T-H. Lilith."

Balthazar nodded and scribbled down her name, not that he was going to forget it any time soon. "Does the little one know that you're getting this done?" he asked on a whim, deciding he was all together too comfortable around this man, "She certainly seemed to prefer the butterflies."

"She likes all tattoos," the other laughed, glancing to the front desk again, "But no. It's a surprise. I think she'll like it."

Balthazar himself couldn't help but laugh at that. The little girl liked tattoos. Well maybe he could be all right in her book. He quickly shoved that thought down. "Okay, just let Anna know that we're good for Tuesday. I'll talk to her about your coupon."

"Thanks." He was laughing again. Balthazar decided he liked that laugh.

Just as the other stepped away, he had a sudden thought and held out his hand. "Wait wait wait." The man paused. "I didn't catch your name." Again. He stared at him, biting his lip to hold back a grin.

The man stared at him and slowly, painfully so, a dark smirk grew on his face. "Wouldn't you like to know." Then he turned and walked away, leaving Balthazar momentarily stunned. Yet, somehow, he couldn't be more excited if someone told him he just won the lottery. He still had a shot. Somehow, some fucking how, he still had a shot.

He turned to watch the mystery man go up to the desk. The strawberry blonde said something to Anna, and she nodded, handing him a few papers to sign. _Good girl._ Now he could- The little one was at his leg and he smiled down to her, a much warmer smile than he had given Balthazar a few moments before. He quickly finished signing the pages, saying something again to Anna, before reaching down to pick Lily up as she had obviously wanted. With a few parted words and a glance back to Balthazar that did not go unnoticed, the man turned away and walked out of the doors, the girl quickly turning to wave back at Anna as they left. Then they were gone.

All he could do was stare at the damn door. Did he really have a shot with him? Did he really _want_ a shot with him? He had a kid and, as much as he liked kids, Balthazar wasn't really father material. Not that he had to be involved. He could just be a very good friend with very good benefits. But he was over thinking this so much. All he could do right now is hope the guy kept the appointment. If so, Tuesday would more than likely be the last time he ever saw him and he found himself hoping that he brought his little girl back, too.

As his thoughts left him, Balthazar finally looked away from the doors to scan the rest of the shop... and suddenly noticed he was being watched. Ashe, who had finished with his client at some point, and Meg were both staring at him, smirking and muttering to themselves over her own new client and even _he_ seemed to be getting in on it.

His neck suddenly got warm, so he quickly stood up and made his way to Anna. He even had to clear his throat to make sure he could talk right. "The little one wasn't too much trouble?"

The red head turned to him, not even noticing his approach and looked oblivious to most of the situation. Thankfully. "No," she smiled, "She was a little angel. Adorable, too. She really liked those hummingbirds you did on that college girl a few months ago."

He had been snooping around the desk so intently that he was hardly listening until that came up. "You showed her my portfolio?"

Anna nodded and shrugged. "The kid likes tattoos and you have the biggest binder. She loved a lot of your stuff."

He chuckled but didn't really know what to say to that. He loved the fact she had liked them, though. "Can I see those papers that client just signed?"

"Sure," she chirped, pulling it from the stack next to her. "Didn't know you were looking for that. I hadn't put it away yet. He just signed the basic stuff. The rest will be done on Tuesday."

He nodded, as if he heard any of that, and zeroed in on the signature. Balthazar blinked and flipped the page, checking to see if it was sloppy handwriting or- "Is that really-?"

"Lucifer," she nodded, "I checked. He said it's creepy so everyone just calls him Lu."

Well he was right about one thing. Balthazar wouldn't have believed that.

 


	4. Chapter 4

It was torturous to wait so long. The more time went on, the more nervous Balthazar got about Tuesday, which was stupid. It was just a client, just a tattoo, just one word, just one kiss. It wasn't like he hadn't made out at a bar before - it wasn't like he hadn't been fucked in a bar before - but he just got more and more wrapped in every time he saw Lu. Which was a grand total of two times. And yes, he referred to him as Lu now, as if he had known the man all his life.

This was getting borderline creepy. Basically fucking obsessive. He'd drawn far too many portraits of Lu and even one or two of Lily in his sketch book back home. Granted, he drew everyone he found interesting in some way or another, but these ones somehow felt like a dirty secret or a guilty pleasure or something. They felt like something he shouldn't show out of fear of being criticized or called out on for being too damn creepy. Maybe he was being a fucking creep. He sure felt like it.

The only thing that really did take his mind away was work. Thankfully, he worked a lot. Sketching, scanning, inking, it all took his focus. He just had to be careful to not let his mind wander away from him.

He was acting like a fucking preteen and everyone seemed to know.

Tuesday finally rolled around, but 4:30 p.m. felt like it couldn't come soon enough. Balthazar made himself busy. Whatever had to be done was done. He did three clients and one walk-in, reorganized where everything went on the front desk, finally updated the laptops like his employees have been begging for the last three weeks, fixed the copy machine so it scanned the whole page on the first try like it's supposed to, ate lunch in three minutes flat, ordered more supplies for the shop, swept the fucking floor- That was when his newest employee, Jo, finally questioned him on what on Earth he was doing and he gave some sort of mumbled answer before slinking away. It hadn't been swept since Friday, dammit. Sue him.

His next client was Lu and he had nothing else to do until then unless he wanted to be questioned again. Which he didn't. Desperately. He felt so fucking awkward about all this.

Balthazar parked it at his station, sketching whatever came to mind until Lu got there. He didn't even have any clients' tattoos waiting to be drawn up. He worked double time the day before so that he could focus on trying to get through today which was also stupid. It was one word and he knew the font. He had everything done for this days ago. It wouldn't even take thirty minutes to do. Why was this driving him so fucking crazy?

Well, it wasn't the tattoo that was the problem. It wasn't even Lu. Balthazar, in an attempt to let himself off gently, tried his best to ignore the fact that this was the last time he'd ever see that handsome strawberry blonde. And that shouldn't matter with all things considered, but it somehow did to him.

His sketch slowly began showing the rough outlines of the male body and he already knew where this was going, but then his name was called. "Your 4:30's here, Bal."

He turned to the front without completely realizing what that meant, so his heart did a little leap that was entirely unwarranted and ridiculous and clingy and creepy. Lu stood at the desk, laughing and talking with Adam who replaced Anna on most weekdays. Today he wore a dark, simple button down shirt - very good for the tattoo he was getting today and very flattering on those bright eyes - that made Balthazar almost bite his lip again. Goddammit, this was stupid. He was half hoping Lu would be one of those whiny, asshole clients just so he could get the damn man out of his head.

Balthazar found himself already approaching as Lu signed a few more papers. Okay, time to breathe and stop being a fucking idiot. "You ready then?"

"More than I'll ever be," Lu joked, glancing up to him from the pages. "Thanks for doing this."

"Well it is my job, love." What the fuck was that? He couldn't just say you're welcome? He had to be fucking rude? And what was that love quip? He felt like a damn id-

“And a talent,” Lu chuckled, handing the papers back. “Let's do it.”

Oh right. The job. “Have a seat. I'll just be a second,” Balthazar nodded to the chair at his station and turned away as quick as he could to catch his breath. This was so damn stupid.

He quickly reprinted the design they chose for at least the eighth time – he had to make sure it was exactly right – before going back to his client.

Lu was sitting on the edge of the chair, happy as could be, and the blonde couldn't help it. “You smile every time you see me?” He mentally kicked himself. That wasn't even _good_ flirting.

“Maybe,” Lu laughed and this was all beginning to get a bit frustrating. “I've been wanting this forever, though. I mean it, thank you.”

“Don't thank me yet,” Balthazar chuckled nervously and set to work stenciling the design. He had done thousands – millions – of tattoos, but he hadn't been so nervous to get one right in years. _Don't be scared. You'll fuck up if you're scared. Breathe._ He let his hands guide themselves, ignoring Lu staring at him as he worked but it was done quickly enough. “Okay, let's see how this is going to look...”

His voice tapered off when he turned back around, finding the other man unbuttoning his shirt. Absolutely none of this was fair. Wait, did he say something? “Pardon?”

Lu looked him in the eyes, a little confusion on those baby blues and oh good lord what was wrong with him? “Do you want me to stand?”

He felt like knocking his head against the wall. “Yes!” Balthazar jerked and stood up, wishing he could go and splash his face in water for a second, if not just drown. “Yes, that would be ideal. Let's do that.” _Shut up!_

The strawberry blonde chuckled again, but did as was bid once he pealed the rest of the shirt off. He stood and turned his back to Balthazar, waiting. After a deep breathe to force himself to chill – he's working, this is ridiculous – he placed the girl's name right where they talked about and smoothed out the image before pulling the plastic away. “All right. Go check it out and let me know if you like it.”

Lu smiled over his shoulder before slinking over to a mirror. The blonde watched his every movement as he looked over the placement, noticing the very small appreciative grin when he first caught sight of it. “That's perfect,” he said, staring at the template. “That's exactly what I want.”

His smile was getting wider by the second and Balthazar forced himself to clear his throat. “Fantastic, then. Let's get this show on the road.” Finally, he looked away from Lu to focus on actually doing this damn thing right. He leaned the chair back so that the strawberry blonde could lay across it while he got the ink ready. Though lay across it he did, resting his head on his arms, but Balthazar made sure he didn't stare. He was professional, dammit.

After putting on a fresh pair of gloves and doing a quick double take of everything, he scooted closer to the client. “Ready?”

“Absolutely,” the other breathed with a knockout smile. Balthazar ignored it – he had to – as he leaned over Lu's back and began. The strawberry blonde's face twitched, but that was all the protest he received.

Once the first line was done and Balthazar was sure his hands wouldn't start shaking like a damn leaf again, he smirked and decided to strike up a conversation. “So, _Lu_. May I call you Lu?”

The other man smiled wide, obviously trying to force himself not to laugh again. “You may. I figured you'd cheat.

“Not cheating, love. I told you, this is my shop.” There he goes with that fucking _love_ quip again. “For the record, you were right. I wouldn't have believed you.” Lu bit his lip and made a soft sound that was almost a laugh, which made Balthazar want to change the subject very quickly. Not for the tattoo's sake, for his sanity. “The little one didn't accompany you today?”

“Nah, she's with her trouble-making uncle right now. He likes to keep her on days he's not working.”

Balthazar nodded. “One of those brothers you mentioned?” Yes, he brought up that night at the Wolves' Den, wondering what reaction the memory would bring.

All he got was an upwards twist of the lips and no more before he went back to the tattoo. “That would be him, the baby of the bunch. I was out with Gabriel and Michael, my younger brother and twin in that order.”

“Twin?” That was a lovely and almost horrifying thought at the same time, but he couldn't help the lecherous grin. “Are you sure it wasn't him I was dancing with?”

He pulled away just in time for Lu to give a little laugh. “We're not identical. Besides, that memory's too stark.”

“Is it now?” Balthazar couldn't help the teasing tone, but he really had to pull it back. He can't keep flirting with his hands all over the other man's back – oh and let's not forget the damn needle gun thing.

“Which reminds me,” Lu spoke up before Balthazar could recover, “Gabriel saw us.”

Oh, did he? That was interesting. “Talking, dancing, or... getting to know each other?”

“ _All_ of it.” That almost could have been a groan, which was _way_ to heady of a thought right now. “He's been hell to be around, but he's finally chilled out. If he knew you were doing my tattoo, I'd never hear the end of it.”

Balthazar gave a laugh at that, trying to picture Lu all flustered over kissing him. That was a pretty cute image. He was just finishing up the second L and a comfortable silence followed them as he filled the second I. This was no good. He was going too quickly, at least by his standards. Lu made it clear that he was dipping into the paycheck for this as it was, so he definitely wasn't going to be coming back anytime soon. He wouldn't really be at the bar either, considering he had been dragged there and being with his little girl was far more important than maybe running into his blonde tattoo artist on chance.

When this was done, Balthazar was sure he'd never see him again. Or, if he did, it might be too late to try for that shot that's probably not even really there.

He had started on the T when the words just started pouring out of his mouth, not allowing himself a second thought. “Do you work often?”

“A good bit,” Lu answered conversationally, “Working for two, after all.”

That's right, he's working for two. He has a daughter. He's a single dad with a little girl. Why in the fuck would he ever be interested in- “What about Saturday?”

Lu titled his head to glance over his shoulder. “What _about_ Saturday?”

“Are you busy?”

“I'm working.”

Fuck. Goddammit, fuck, fuck- He just completely blew that. That was stupid- He bit his cheek, trying to think of a smooth enough reply, before Lu continued. “I'll be off by at least four, though. Why?”

Was this that shot? Balthazar started on the final letter, basically forcing himself to not shake by continuing on with the work as his mouth just did the talking. “Would you like to meet somewhere? Maybe dinner or something?” That was stupid. Dinner? That was a clear date signal. He hadn't been on an actual date in forever and besides, it wasn't a date. It was just a way to get to know Lu better and to make sure he could see him again and that wasn't at all a date. Plus, it's dinner. He'd much rather spend it with his child than the damn creepy tattoo guy he met at a fucking bar.

“Dinner?”

Balthazar didn't look at him. He felt like a damn fool. “And you're done.” Thank God.

Lu didn't move to get up, though. “I think I can swing dinner. Were you thinking of somewhere in particular?”

Oh God, he was _agreeing_ to it? Balthazar froze and racked his brain for literally anywhere that wasn't complete shit. “Have you been to Roxy's?”

“That new steakhouse? No, but I heard good things. I'd try it.”

Oh Jesus. Lord, help him. How did this happen? “Excellent.” This was a fucking awful idea. “In the meantime, why don't you go see if you like the job?”

Lu smiled and pulled himself off the chair – that act alone enough to make Balthazar glance to the ceiling. What the fuck just happened? Did he just get a fucking date? What the hell is he supposed to wear to this damn date? Was the girl going to come along? Why in the fuck did he not mind if she did? If she didn't, where would they end up? Should they even end up anywhere? This was so fucking stupid and Balthazar wanted to walk up to Lu, hold him by the shoulders, and explain to him very slowly just how fucking stupid this was. If nothing else, maybe he'd laugh again.

Instead, Balthazar put the needle gun down and heaved a long sigh. Above all, why did he feel so needlessly excited? He looked back to Lu, whose smile looked to be permanently attached now that he was looking over the tattoo. “It's perfect,” he nearly yelped, “She's gonna love it. Thank you so much, Balthazar.”

That may or may not have given him a bit too much pride, but he tried his hardest to bite back the smile. “Let me wrap you up.” He walked over to Lu and began the process while giving the same lecture of care for the new tattoo that he had to give everyone. He probably didn't need to hear it seeing as how those wings came out so nicely – and Balthazar had an front row seat of them today – but he also got the feeling that Lu wasn't really listening considering how he stared at him through the mirror. Again, Balthazar did his best to ignore it.

When he finished, he patted Lu on the shoulder and the other man turned to face him, digging in his pocket. “I mean it. Thank you again,” and handed him $25.

That _should have_ been expected. “Not everyone gets my famous asshole coupon, you know.”

“It's yours,” Lu smiled, immediately making Balthazar feel awful. He didn't want to spend that much money for this. “Besides,” he continued, “you can buy dinner.” And there was that same beautifully dark smirk that made Balthazar a little too weak than he cared to admit.

Either way, his arm went on auto-pilot and took the money. “Fair enough.”

If Lu noticed their hands brushing together, he didn't react to it. “What time?”

“How does 5:30 sound?” He would have to take off of work but fuck it. He never took off anyway.

“Perfect,” Lu purred, sauntering back to the chair to get his shirt. The once over he did of the blonde did not by any means go unnoticed. “I'll see you then.” He brushed by Balthazar and was gone, heading over to the front desk as he carefully put his shirt back on, preparing to pay Adam.

Balthazar watched him the whole time until the man was out the door, not before giving a glance and smile back, of course. And then it was over. The man was gone and Balthazar had a fucking date on Saturday evening. What on Earth was happening to him?

 


	5. Chapter 5

The only thing remotely bad about the entire ordeal was that Lu couldn't see his little girl's face when he first showed her the new tattoo. He did, however, hear the delighted gasp. "That's my name!"

"Yep," he chuckled. "You like it?"

"I love it! It's so pretty!" Her little hands padded against his back, being careful not to touch the still fresh area before her father covered it up with the bandages again. "Is it going to stay?"

"Forever and ever," Lu smiled, twisting around to her. "I just have to take care of it for a little while, then it'll be just like the others."

Lily slowly moved around him, scanning his bare back and chest (presumably for another tattoo he hadn't told her about) before climbing into the kitchen chair opposite him at the table. "I didn't know you were gonna get my name."

"That's because it was a surprise, Little Bit. I didn't tell you on purpose." He poked her stomach, making her giggle.

"When can I touch it?" she asked, always singling out the important questions.

Lu shrugged. "A week. Maybe two. It'll pass before you know it."

The apartment was small and kind of dingy, even though Lu tried to make the place look as nice as possible so his little girl wasn't growing up in a complete slum. Still, the only thing in the whole complex that made it a home was Lily, no matter how tiny and old the place was. To Lu, that shit apartment was the most perfect place in the world and he relished every second he could spend there, which made going out Saturday night a bit of a drawback. He almost wanted to call the tattoo shop in the morning and cancel. Almost.

Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Lil', how do you feel about staying at Cas or Uncle Gabe's place on Saturday evening?"

Her face instantly fell and he almost took it back right there. "Are you working?"

No, he was going on a date with some British guy he made out with in a bar. God, this was ridiculous. He wasn't eighteen. He had a kid and bills and shit. Dating random people who were more than obviously not looking for anything long term with a kid in the picture was not ideal in the fucking least. But Lu had agreed to it, and he knew he would regret canceling. Maybe, just once, he could have a night for himself where his brothers weren't involved. But only once. "No, sweety. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner."

"Who?" She still sounded disappointed but some interest was there.

"You remember Balthazar? The guy at the tattoo shop?"

She instantly nodded. "He was weird-" Lu snorted "-but he draws good."

"Does he now?"

"Miss Anna showed me," she kept nodding, "He draws really good."

Considering Lily's high bar standard, he didn't doubt that she was telling the truth. "Well, that's good, because he's the one that put your name on my back."

That seemed to win it all over for her. "Really? When can I see him? Is he still weird?"

"He's not always that weird," Lu chuckled, "but maybe you can see him again someday soon." Maybe. Hopefully. Doubtfully. He had a pretty good idea that Balthazar only wanted one thing, not that Lu minded all that much in the end. Besides, it was just once. He had to keep reminding himself.

"Okay," she happily agreed. Of course, she'd be ecstatic to meet a tattoo artist one on one.

Still, he had to go back to the issue, and Lu rubbed his hands together. "So, do you mind hanging out with them while I deal with Balthazar. We won't be all that long." Definitely won't be all night.

She shook her head, always the expressive one. "Me and Uncle Gabe were working on something anyway."

His face fell, eyebrows knitting together. "Working on what?"

"It's a surprise," she giggled. Of course it's a surprise.

"All right, then. Keep your secrets," he sighed. "We'll ask him tomorrow when we visit, okay?"

"Kay!"

* * *

It took a little doing since Lu was trying his best to not tell his little brother exactly what was going on Saturday night, but Gabriel agreed to take care of Lily once he finally figured it out. Unfortunately, when he cracked a joke about it being the blonde man at the bar, Lu wasn't quick enough on the comeback, so he figured that out, too.

It was only logical to assume that the whole town knew at this point.

When Lu and Lily showed up to Gabriel's spacious apartment, the man was very grateful to not find a surprise party waiting for them. Gabe's giant, cheeky grin was all he could stand tonight. “Well, someone looks good,” he teased Lu as soon as he opened the door.

“Daddy's meeting his friend at dinner,” Lily nodded. Good thing he didn't try harder to keep it under wraps.

Her uncle looked ready to burst. “Yes, he is! I hope he's a _really_ nice friend.”

“He's a little weird,” the girl thought aloud.

“ _Is he?_ Do tell.”

Lu picked her up before that conversation could keep going. “Okay, let's get inside. C'mon.”

Gabe gave that cheeky fucking grin, but opened the door wider to let them through all the same, pecking Lily on the forehead as she passed under his nose. Once she was deposited on a bar stool in the youngest Pellegrino's kitchen, she wasted no time in changing the subject. “Is it dry yet, Uncle Gabe?”

The one in question just finished closing the door when Lu asked, “is what dry?” He dreaded the answer.

“It's a surprise,” Gabriel answered before looking to Lily. “Did you tell him it was a surprise?”

“He keeps asking anyway,” she shrugged.

Lu rolled his eyes and dropped the subject. He desperately did not want to know, and thankfully Gabriel let it go for the time being. “It's all shriveled and ready to go, munchkin.” He walked over to her seat, pressing another kiss to her hair. “You can go check it out if you want. And Sammy's coming over later, so I recruited him to help us out.”

Her face lit up at that notion. It was no secret that she adored Sam and only kind of tolerated Dean, so she was all gung-ho for hanging out with the younger Winchester. Lu, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow and kept his mouth shut.

“Good!” she yelped, hopping down from the bar stool. “I'll be right back.” And in a whirlwind, she ran from the room in complete excitement.

That's when Lu zeroed in on his brother. “You two going to behave?”

“Please,” Gabriel snorted, stepping closer, “Me and Lil never behave.”

“I meant you and Sam.”

His younger brother gave a sarcastic look and huffed. “The new maintenance guy at his complex broke a pipe and flooded his whole place. I got a spare room and he agreed to pay some rent till his pad was back together...” Why he decided to bunk with Gabriel and not at his brother's place was probably something neither of them acknowledged. “But we're not here to talk about what goes on in _my_ bedroom tonight.” And there was the cheeky grin again as he shuffled closer, fixing the collar of Lu's jacket.

“The only thing happening in my bedroom is sleep,” Lu grumbled as his brother smoothed out invisible wrinkles and picked away imaginary lent. He did dress decent tonight, enough to warrant a comment from someone who knew him well, but he hoped it wouldn't be that huge of a deal to Balthazar. It was simple. Just a black blazer, blue button down shirt over his dark jeans and a pair of boots. Maybe – and Gabriel would have to twist his arm for him to admit this – a spritz of cologne here and there. It wasn't like it was a serious date or something...

“I wouldn't expect you to bring him back to your place anyway.”

“Nothing's going to-...” Lu rubbed at his eyes, “We'll be back by at least 10.”

“You'll be back after _midnight_ and not a minute earlier,” Gabriel lectured like a true born parent. The elder was about to argue back, before he was cut off. “I mean it. Go have a little fun, for pity's sake.”

Again, Lu rolled his eyes. “You act like my life is a miserable train wreck or something. I love my life.”

“I know that, but you really need to just... I don't know, get out more. Go have fun with the cute British guy, please.”

“ _I am_.” It was always like this. If it wasn't Gabriel, it was Michael or Castiel or even Dean. It was always _someone_ lecturing him about this. It was like there was a sign on his back that he had no idea was there. “That's why I'm going out tonight. To have fun and that's it. Nothing... like that. I don't know why you guys get so fucking concerned.” He took care to keep his voice low.

Gabriel gave a huge sigh, like _he_ was the one tired of this argument. “I'm serious, man. Look, real talk-”

“Where's the paint?”

Lu, in more alarm than curiosity, glanced down to his daughter who had covered her arms in what looked to be marker ink in the short span of time she was out of sight. “How did you-?”

“ _Hidden_ ,” Gabriel answered her. “I knew you'd try starting without me, twerp.” Maybe having her stay with the brother they had nicknamed _Trickster_ wasn't the best idea. “I'll pull them out in a minute, but we have to get a certain someone out the door first.”

“What about Sammy?” she asked with big, innocent eyes. Somehow, she had gotten way too many of Gabriel's characteristics.

Speaking of, he just waved a hand. “Now _him_ , we can start without. There's no telling when he'll show up.”

Lily turned her big eyes to her father and watched him. Gabriel started doing the same, and Lu figured that was probably his cue. To be fair, he would have idled and probably wound up late to Roxy's because of nerves. “All right, Little Bit,” he sighed, squatting down and holding his arms out, not too terribly worried about the marker ink. She grew a big smile and ran up to wrap her arms around him. “I might be awhile, but it won't be too long. You be good for Uncle Gabe and Sam, all right? Don't blow up anything.”

She giggled and pulled away. “We won't.”

As Lu stood back to full height, the girl ran to her uncle's side. “Thanks for doing this, Gabriel.”

“No problem,” he waved again, “but it's not for you. We have a project to finish.” The pair of them shared a fist bump, and Lu reconsider this date thing for the hundredth time that day. Too late now, he supposed.

Still, a rather large part of him wanted nothing to do with this big surprise. Instead, he looked down to Lily with a smile, hand on the doorknob. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, daddy,” she waved back to him. “Have fun.”

Even the kid was telling him to have fun. With one last wave to both of them, Lu opened the door and left. Before he could take two steps down the hall, Lily gave a loud shriek that dissolved into a fit of giggles. At least she planned to have fun, too.

It only occurred to him fifteen minutes later that Gabriel didn't get to explain himself about this pushing him to have fun crap, the bastard.

* * *

He wasn't late. Lu arrived at 5:20 on the dot, the sun still not even close to sinking below the horizon. If anything, it gave he and Balthazar enough time to get properly acquainted, but he did wonder why the other man set it for this early. Was he keeping Lily in mind or did he have somewhere he had to be tonight? Not that it mattered. It wasn't like Lu was going to take his brother's advice. Besides it was their _first_ -... Well, it wasn't a date and it wasn't their first date since this was their only date and it really kind of wasn't a date. They had met, talked, kind of sort of made out. What did that make this? Their first dinner? Their _only_ dinner? Probably the second one.

And if it happened to lead in the general direction of a one night stand, Lu would cross that bridge when- _IF_ he came to it.

On the walk from the parking lot to the front door, he wondered if Balthazar might already be inside. Where were they supposed to meet anyway? Did he reserve a table? Did he expect Lu to? Did they have to at this place? When the fuck did he start getting paranoid?

Forcing himself to take slower breaths, Lu calmed himself down and went right up the front desk like he knew what he was doing and wasn't having a small panic attack. It wasn't even a date. It would be fine.

The hostess looked up to him, putting on a polite smile. “For one?”

Lu glanced around the place before answering, just in case the tattoo artist had somehow gotten here earlier than- He spied the back of a blonde head that, at this point, he'd probably recognize anywhere. “Actually, I'm with him,” Lu pointed.

The woman followed his finger before giving a bigger smile. “Sure, right this way.”

He gulped and followed, wondering if they'd be here long enough for him to have a drink just to chill out a little bit. There was no point in being nervous around the guy that wanted to bang him in a bar. When Balthazar turned his head and landed his eyes on Lu, however, the latter's butterflies suddenly fled at the big, genuine smile he received. See? No point in being nervous.

Lu sat across from the blonde without a word, thankful to spy that his date- partner- _friend_ had something that looked suspiciously whiskey. “Can I get you a drink?” the hostess asked right on time.

“That, for starters,” Lu pointed again, at the drink this time rather than his, er, friend.

“Bourbon,” Balthazar clarified.

The girl nodded. “All right. I'll be back for your orders.”

Then she left. She left what felt like a full thirty minutes ago, but she probably hadn't made it to the bar yet. They just stared at one another, Lu belatedly realizing that he couldn't stop smiling and that he really needed to get a hold on himself.

But Balthazar was smiling, too, just as he put his drink to his lips again and took another sip. “So,” he began, setting the glass down, “how was your day?”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. My internet has been out.

Nearly two hours later, Lu couldn't stop laughing and Balthazar wanted nothing more than to keep him that way.

“So I look back and, of course, the fucking pack of chihuahuas is still after me through three miles of this shit. The cat is still physically impaled into my back with those bloody claws, Jason is no where to be seen, that old crone is _still_ barking Italian at me from over a mile back, and there's another thirty minutes before the DMV closes.”

The high pitched wheezes and hand motions from Lu made him pause. “Oh God, I can't breathe.”

Balthazar just smiled at him for a beat before shrugging. “When the cat decided to vacate my back in favor of a nearby limb I nearly smacked into, most of the dogs got distracted, and I managed to make it to the DMV in more or less on piece, minus my shoe, of course. But that's upstate New York for you.”

After a few quieter chuckles and a shallow attempt to catch his breath, Lu asked, “Where was Jason?”

“Ha!” Balthazar barked. “I found the bastard the next day. He said he lost sight of me, so he left to get a jug of orange juice and went home. _Orange juice!_ ”

That dissolved Lu into another fit of giggles, shading his eyes to try and keep himself from crying, too.

This wasn't so bad. Not at all, actually. The first few moments of the dinner left Balthazar with more than a few shakes. He was unsure, uneasy. Everything he did and said felt like a mistake or a slip, but he tried to keep cool on the exterior (despite the constant screaming on the interior) and it seemed to do the trick. Lu's relaxed smile and easy eyes was enough to calm him down after awhile. Even at this point, Balthazar was still a bit shy and hesitant and it was stupid – he didn't know why. He hadn't been like this before, but Lu wasn't that simple to begin with. He wasn't like all of the others, and Balthazar didn't shame him by attempting to put him in that category. The man was more of an equal than that – no, a superior force. Someone who couldn't have possibly looked at someone like Balthazar twice. Someone Balthazar never thought he wanted to be given a look at twice by. This was different. It was almost special.

Whatever it was, Lu's laugh was the best thing he had heard in a long time. Why he decided to share that particular embarrassing story with someone who he still didn't know very well was beyond him, but at least he was laughing.

Lu shook his head, trying to gain a normal breathing rhythm back. “How do you have all of these stories, man? And I thought Gabe's trip to New Orleans was eventful.”

He was still chuckling, as Balthazar shrugged again. “I've just been around, I guess. The more people you meet, the more ridiculous stories you get.”

“Where are you from, though?” the strawberry blonde asked, seeming to have composed himself, “You talk like you've been everywhere, but where's home for you?”

All the other could do was give an awkward smile. “Here, I suppose. We moved a lot when I was younger. Parents were rich hippies and thought it was good for the kids. Stayed a few years near London, stayed some time in France, even lived in Hawaii for a couple of years. As far as where I've stayed the longest, I don't think I really know.” And why in the hell was he telling him all this? Wasn't that a bit private?

“You still jump around?” Lu tilted his head, “Even now?”

“I've lived here for four years.” the blonde thought a loud, glancing to the other tables, “That's when I started the shop, then I handed the keys over to Ashe, left for some time, and came back about a year ago. Went to Ashe looking for a job, and he just handed back the keys.”

“Why leave?” The other man leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, “Why come back? Not that I'm not disappointed you did.”

He smiled at that, but shrugged all the same. “I needed time away. Personal business and all that. I came back, because... I was happy while here. Not that I didn't enjoy Paris or Dubai or any of that, but this is the only place I genuinely missed.”

Lu blinked at him. “I would have went to Dubai.”

That garnered a laugh. “Enough about me,” and Balthazar really wanted to change the subject away from him being a fucking drifter. “What about you?”

“What about me?” There was the dark, flirting smile again that made him really hope this was going to go somewhere tonight.

But Balthazar feigned innocence and laughed again. “Let's start with employment.”

That brought up a different and almost fake smile. “Well, if you ever need an oil change, I got you covered.”

Ah. “Which one?”

“That place down Bolton Avenue. The big one.” Balthazar nodded, remembering the old car shop well. Lu shrugged and went on. “Job's shit, hours' shit, but the pay is... well, that's shit, too.”

“A job's a job.” He certainly didn't have to feel bad about working and supporting a little girl, especially in this economy.

“Yeah, well,” Lu raised his drink to his lips, “I thought I'd be doing something else by now.”

That sounded almost specific. “Like what?”

After a sip of the soda, Lu not so casually gave Balthazar a stare. It was almost judging and the blonde wondered if he had just gone and fucked it all up, until he really looked back and realized Lu was debating on how much to say. Perhaps he did fuck up. “Well,” and then the look was gone, “I didn't finish college. Just had about a year left of it before grad studies.”

“What were you studying?”

“You'll laugh if I told you,” Lu chuckled not unlike the first night they met.

Suddenly, it was a challenge. “If it's art, I may have to remind you of my profession.” Lu shook his head. “History.  _Southern_ history. No, biology. Wait, economics!”

Lu was laughing again, thank God. “Astrophysics.”

That he didn't expect. “Really?” Lu nodded. “Why'd you quit? Too hard?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I had a kid.”

He had a kid. Finally, as Lu predicted, he did laugh. It wasn't exactly cynical or anything, it was just- Balthazar couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe  _him_ . The fucking astrophysicist and all he wanted was a tattoo of his little girl's name. The laughter died down and all he could do was stare at the man sitting across from him, who was just looking back with a confused expression that Balthazar couldn't really blame. This was only the fourth time they had met, and yet he could not stop looking at that wonderfully confused stare. “Would you like to come back to my place?”

As soon as the words left him, he wanted to fall to his side, roll off the seat and keep rolling until he was out of the restaurant and into oncoming traffic. It was a knee jerk reaction, honestly, one he had been trying very hard to suppress since the whole tattoo thing. He wanted to say something. His face was beginning to get hot, and he wanted to say something. But he had to see the other man's reaction first and, for that, he held his tongue.

Lu blinked at him a couple of times, apparently confused with the abrupt change in conversation. “Sorry?”

That was the end of holding his tongue. “No, I'm sorry. We don't know each other that well, and I'm sure you have a lot of other things to do, and we've been here for God knows how long that I've kept you telling stories of fucking New York. I didn't mean to overstep any-”

“I'd like that.”

The torrent of a half-arsed apology immediately stopped, and Balthazar stared wide eyed at the strawberry blonde across from him who actually just fucking agreed to it.

Lu began to stand. Balthazar quickly dug in his pocket for his wallet – the ticket had arrived long ago. After paying and joining Lu, the pair walked out of the door like nothing else was going to happen that night. The blonde didn't know what to do as they stopped right outside the entrance. “I don't live far,” he half muttered out, trying to keep a cool semblance that he somehow managed to do with  _everyone_ else. “I can go ahead and you can follow if you like, or-”

The strawberry blonde licked his lips, instantly breaking the others train of thought. Suddenly, soft lips pressed against his own, gentler and so much more in control than the last time they had made contact, but Balthazar's eyes fell closed all the same as he tried to pull the other warm body closer. Then Lu separated. “I can follow you.”

Balthazar nodded dumbly and, without a word, quickly jogged to his car.

* * *

Home was less than five minutes away, and he waited for Lu by the elevator in the garage of his complex. As an afterthought, Balthazar wondered how many dishes were left in the sink or the last time he changed his sheets, but he reminded himself that he had the proverbial stranger come by pretty regularly so everything should be just fine. For the life of him, he couldn't remember if it was or not.

This was bad. This was really really bad, and the smart thing to do would be to tell Lu that maybe they should meet again another time. Make up an excuse or something. It's not that he didn't want him. He just wanted him _too much_ and it was almost a horrifying idea. Panicking at the last second wasn't helping anyone. This was so stupid. He was being so fucking stupid.

But then Lu joined him again and they entered the elevator and all thought about postponing this whole ordeal ceased when the strawberry blonde groaned, “oh, fuck this,” and pinned Balthazar against the wall with a deep kiss. All of that gentle carefulness was gone and melted into something far hungrier. It was enough to make Balthazar's hands immediately tangle themselves into the other man's hair.

Lu's hands moved quickly, and the blonde was too preoccupied with reacquainting himself the man's tongue to notice much, but he did feel a hand trying to shove off his jacket. Reluctantly, he disentangled himself for a brief moment – never letting go of that kiss, oxygen be damned – to pull the rest of his jacket off and toss it, before pulling Lu back as close as possible.

The other man pulled away from the kiss, earning a low whine from Balthazar that he wanted to feel horribly embarrassed over if it weren't for Lu moving his lips down his neck. The blonde's head fell back in time with the elevator door opening and he was very pleased to see no one standing there, only the door of his loft.

Wanting to move this show somewhere else, he grabbed Lu's hand and tugged him out of the elevator, unfortunately tearing the man away from this neck in the process. The strawberry blonde pulled back to pause long enough to pick up Balthazar's jacket, giggling about it the whole time. Balthazar, despite himself, had a big smile, too. He couldn't look away from this guy. Lu was laughing. They had just low key made out in an elevator and were about to have what would undoubtedly be some amazing sex, and Lu was _laughing_. This was too much. He was in too deep.

Oh God, where were his keys?

As Balthazar began to pat himself down, Lu was pressing against his back and not helping in the least. In fact he was even less help since there was obviously something going on his pants and God his own jeans felt far too tight right now and why did Lu choose now to nibble on his ear and breathe silent chuckles against his neck while Balthazar was having a mental break-

Found the keys.

The door unlocked in record time, and they piled in like a couple of drunk, horny teenagers. When the door slammed shut again, Balthazar had every intention of going straight back to those lips when he realized Lu's attention was elsewhere. “Did _you_ paint that?”

Did he paint-? Balthazar glanced around his loft – all one giant room save for the closed off bathroom and closet, with a separation between his bedroom/living area and kitchen – but the only thing he couldn't find was a painting hanging on a wall. Following Lu's line of sight, his eyes landed on one of the murals he did forever ago on the brick interior wall. And why not? He owned the place now. “I- Yes.” This particular one was an imaginary nebula he had made up, but the star map that was dotted across it was real. No wonder Lu took an immediate interest.

“Did you use a map? There's like three constellations in there.” The strawberry blonde looked at the gold and green nebula with bright eyes and a small smile. He liked it. And he had enough knowledge to appreciate it... Suddenly, Balthazar remembered the sketches hiding in his desk and blushed.

He pushed the thought away. “I didn't actually. I used the view from a window one of the nights my insomnia decided to visit.” Why in the fuck would he tell him that? But Lu's smile just grew a little, so he went on. “I call it Aries.”

That's when his brow knitted together. “Aries isn't-”

“I _know_ ,” Balthazar laughed, turning the other man towards him and pressing against him again, hoping to distract him, “I figured that out later. Leave it to the astrophysicist.”

Lu laughed, giving a big, genuine smile right at him and Balthazar felt forced to kiss him again. He pushed against him until Lu was walking and hit a wall, a shuffling sound coming from the floor that must have been him dropping Balthazar's long forgotten jacket. Speaking of clothes-

Balthazar pushed off Lu's own jacket before peeling away the shirt underneath, receiving not a single protest from the strawberry blonde. He had been wanting to do this since the first time he took his shirt off in front of him. “I'm going to take good care of you,” he murmured between placing kisses along Lu's collar, before sucking on the spot where his neck and shoulder met.

A hand weaved through his hair and Lu gave a delicious little gasp that only made his hips want to rock against something, _anything_ , and suddenly they were grinding. Balthazar bit down and Lu gave a hiss and that was it. He was lost and planned to love every second of this.

The blonde backed away from the spot that would undoubtedly leave a bruise to go back to his collar and chest, running his hands over the wings he couldn't see but practically _feeling_ the feathers against his skin anyway. Before either of them knew it, Balthazar was on his knees, kissing down to the belt his hands were rushing to get off.

“Jesus, Balthazar,” Lu breathlessly said in a husky voice that just made the other try to go faster. Then his pants were pooling around his thighs and he finally slid the boxers down and Lu's next gasp could have been the only thing Balthazar could hear for eternity and he'd be happy.

The strawberry blonde wasn't exactly small – which was a lovely, heady thought right now – and Balthazar had only done this a hand full of times before. Enough to know he was pretty good at it, especially from the current feedback he was receiving, but he definitely felt out of practice and deep throating wasn't something he was about to try for the first time right now despite how badly he wanted to give it a go for him.

Lu had bucked once when Balthazar first took him in but had managed to stay still otherwise. Not that he wasn't unhappy that the bucking had stopped and the moans were enough to give him a good enough rating of how he was doing, but he still tried harder, moved faster, until a hand firmly grasped his shoulder. “Balthazar,” Lu rasped out, but the blonde had already tasted the pre-cum. The hand gripped harder suddenly. “ _Balthazar_.”

He released him, watching Lu's head fall back against the wall. The blonde kissed along the other man's hip, watching his chest heave as he caught his breath. Finally, he explained, “It's been awhile.”

With a smirk, Balthazar slowly rose to his feet. “I told you,” he breathed in the strawberry blonde's ear, feeling the other man's breathing and heart rate rise straight up again, “I'm going to take good care of you.” His teeth raked against Lu's neck and the other gave such a wanting moan that could only mean it had been far too long. Even more reason to make sure everything was right. “What do you want, baby? Tell me what you want.” He could think of several things he wanted to do right now.

Hands gripped at him, pulling on his shirt, body pushing flush against his that was almost obscene on its own. “Fuck me,” he breathed, hands clawing across his back, “Fuck me, please.”

If that wasn't the most thrilling command he had ever gotten, Balthazar didn't know what was. His lips found the front of Lu's throat, which let out the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard, before tearing him away from the wall and walking him over towards the general direction of the bed. When they found it, Lu fell into the middle of the mattress while Balthazar finally removed his shirt before climbing on top, pulling off Lu's jeans while the other kicked his shoes away at some point during it all. The blonde placed his knee between the others legs as his lips found his neck again, sucking harshly on another spot while Lu whined and tugged at Balthazar's belt loops.

While making Lu wait was a lovely thought, it wasn't nearly as good as fucking him even more senseless right here, right now, but it was all a distraction while his hand blindly searched in the drawer of his end table for lube and condoms. For the most part, he was somehow still in control even as the other man grinded against his leg and moaned like a cheap whore beneath him, even with his jeans feeling like they'll cut off the circulation at any second, and he blamed it on the base _need_ that he had to make this as good as he possibly could.

_Finally_ , he found his rewards and immediately popped open the bottle, pouring a generous amount on his hand after pulling away from Lu's beautiful neck. The first hickey was already showing up and he figured he should probably stop doing that, despite the swelling pride.

“Hold on, baby. I've got you,” he breathed against Lu's lips, who immediately gasped out, eyes wide, as Balthazar inserted the first finger.

The strawberry blonde's eyes screwed shut, head lulling back against the duvet. “Oh,  _ fuck _ . I-...  _ Fuck _ .”

“I've got you,” Balthazar said again, trailing his lips over the other man's jaw line, the urge to just start rubbing one out right now a bit overwhelming. With the thought of moving this along, he went ahead with another finger.

Lu clawed at his back, nearly screaming in pain or pleasure or something that made the blonde bite his lip. “Tell me if you want to slow down.”

“ _God_ , no. Just fuck-” Lu arched his back against him, grinding against his hips and reminding the other not for the first time how wanting he was.

Still, Balthazar kept it up with two fingers for at least a full minute or two, listening to Lu's whining and gasps, before inserting a third. If the strawberry blonde hadn't broke before, he did now, running his nails over the blonde's back and just fucking humping against his fingers and knee and _God_ this was hard to do. Still, he forced himself to keep a rhythm with his fingers, forcing Lu wider and wider, while the other man literally tried to _fuck himself_ on his hand. At this rate, he looked like he could come from just a few fingers and that thought was far too much right now.

“Balthazar,” Lu whined again, voice nearly a completely different octave from his usual one. “Please,” he groaned, pulling hard on the jeans the other still wore, “Fuck me, _please._ ”

Okay, that was enough. Balthazar quickly removed his hand, earning the best whimpering sound he had ever fucking heard, as he worked on his jeans. Why in the fuck hadn't he removed them earlier? Was it just too tempting to fuck that beautiful man or was he really a masochist? Either way, he nearly gasped when the pressure was finally released before tossing his clothes aside and grabbing the condom.

Lu was watching. He watched every second as the other man pulled the condom on and started putting on the lube. The strawberry blonde's hand moved lower as he watched, just as Balthazar grabbed his wrist with his free hand, pulling it over the man's head and straddling him again. “I said, I've got you.” The other just looked up at him, gasping for air, swallowing hard, and never looking away. That was how he entered him, wanting to watch his face when he did which contorted from pain into pleasure and melting into complete bliss.

Once he was in completely, Balthazar's knuckles turned white against the sheets as he paused, desperately not wanting to hurt the other man. He didn't know how long it had been, but it had no doubt been long enough and they hadn't really been taking their time. His jaw clenched and he closed his eyes, trying like hell to just fucking focus.

After a few deep gasps of air, Lu gripped the other's back again. “You stopped.”

The blonde opened his eyes, licking his dry lips. “I don't want to hurt you.” It sounded ridiculous when he said it. Sounded like it would kill the mood in a heartbeat.

But Lu turned his head to look at him, eyes shining so bright, pupils so wide, that Balthazar could practically see himself in them. Then then the other smiled. “You won't.”

Even so, he didn't want to rush things nearly as much as he did five minutes ago. He wanted it to be amazing, special. The best night Lu had ever had so that he would without a doubt come back for more. But his body moved on it's own and he pulled out nearly all the way before thrusting back in again, Lu's nearly calm face descending again into blissful chaos. And then he couldn't stop.

He tried as best he could to keep a rhythm, knowing full well that it wouldn't last very long. Thankfully, Lu looked like he wouldn't last much longer either, so he didn't have to worry too much about that. Balthazar kept driving into him, trying to not go harder, faster, trying like hell to stay steady, but he had to keep his lips busy as he pushed forward again and fell back into Lu's neck. The other man was gasping and moaning with hints of, “ _Oh God, fuck_ ,” being said under his breath, and Balthazar's rhythm picked up.

“Like that, baby. Just like that,” he muttered next to Lu's ear as his hips met his. “God, you're so tight. You feel so good, Lu. Feel so good.”

The other arched again, whining, and Balthazar dared to wonder if he would come like this. But the blonde himself was too close to wait and see after hearing all of these breathless moans. To give that release Lu had practically been begging for since he nearly sucked him off, Balthazar wrapped his hand around the other's cock and pumped in time with his rhythm.

“Ah, _God!_ ” Lu's arms wrapped around his back and shoulders, nails digging into the skin like he'd never let go. “ _Balthazar_.”

He was clenching down on him now, and the other's breathing skipped. “Say it again, Luce. Say my name. Feel so fucking good, baby. Say it. Say it.”

“ _God!_ ” Lu's nails dragged down his shoulder, spurring Balthazar faster and harder and basically pulling his name out of his throat as the other finally came between them, screaming the blonde's name like it was the only word he knew.

Balthazar tried his best to fuck him through the orgasm right before his own crashed over him. After one- two more thrusts, he fell into Lu with a loud groan and the world felt like it had vanished for a moment.

It only came back when he finally took in a breath of cold air, filling his lungs with the smells of sex, sweat, and Lu. He pulled out, earning another low whimper from the one beneath him, and fell to his side in beautiful exhaustion.

For a long moment, the only sounds were of the both of them breathing like they ran a fucking marathon, until Lu finally said, “Oh my God,” for something like the hundredth time that evening.

Balthazar finally opened his eyes to watch Lu catch his breath, but felt nearly speechless in that moment. His mind was blank. He couldn't think of anything to say or do, except maybe watch. The man beside him- He hadn't seen a more beautiful sight since-... He hadn't seen a more beautiful sight.

_Fuck_ . He fucked up. Through the afterglow and the pride and that wonderfully warm feeling, something cold clenched at his chest and he could only hope it was all just in his head.

Then Lu's eyes fluttered open, his head turning to face Balthazar, and those atrocious thoughts ceased, leaving only the warmth from the moment and a gentle smile he knew was going across his face. “You did say you'd take good care of me.”

The smile just grew. “I'm not one to lie in these sorts of dire situations.”

Then Lu's own smile graced across his face and he laughed again, only serving to make Balthazar bite his bottom lip.  _God_ , he loved to make him laugh. The strawberry blonde looked up to the ceiling and then to his other side, obviously scanning the rest of the apartment. Balthazar had murals painted on several walls and he watched closely as Lu's eyes presumably went across each of them, before stopping. “What time did we leave the restaurant?”

Oh. Pop quiz time. Balthazar racked his brain, trying hard to think right now. “Uhh... About 7:30 or so.”

Lu was laughing again, not that the blonde minded in the least. “Oh my God, we've been hanging out for over three hours. I swear we weren't there for long.”

Balthazar looked out a window. “The bloody sun's set.” Lu dissolved into another fit of laughter, hiding his face in his hands like it was the funniest thing in the world right now.

As beautiful as the moment was, Balthazar knew exactly what was coming, so he went ahead and did it first to save himself the hurt. He sat up in bed, glancing around the room for clothes and was about to stand when hands grabbed his arm and pulled him back into another deep kiss, as if the other man had read his mind and didn't want him to go as much as he didn't want to leave. Lu broke away entirely too soon, and the blonde couldn't stop himself if he bit off his own tongue. “We should do this again.”

He waited breathlessly for an answer, unsure if he even wanted one or not, unsure if he even spoke those words or not. “I think I'm up for that,” was finally the answer, and Balthazar bit his lip again, this time trying to hide a smile. “I'm sorry. Right now, I just have to-”

“I know,” Balthazar stopped him, not suppressing the smile anymore, earning silence from the other man. “I know.”

After a breath of neither speaking, Lu leaned in to him again, giving another deep, lasting kiss that made the blonde forget there was even a world beyond this room. When he pulled away – again, too soon – Lu said, “I  _really_ need your phone number.”

It was Balthazar's turn to laugh as he looked over the edge of the bed to find his pants again, pulling out his phone from the second pocket he checked. “What's yours?” Lu rattled it off to him, the blonde making sure it was right before entering it in to his phone.

Half a second later, a wind chime sounded somewhere around the other side of the end table. “There's my pants.”

Balthazar chuckled again. “I think your shirt is somewhere over there,” he pointed, “Not sure where your belt is...”

“I'll find it,” Lu told him, giving another long kiss before pulling away and standing, helping himself to the box of tissues on the table to clean himself up, idly reminding Balthazar about the condom before peeling it off and tossing it in the nearest garbage bin. Still, he didn't take his eyes off of Lu as he went about his loft, collecting clothes and glancing to the murals as he passed by each one.

When he was finally dressed, blazer slung over his shoulder, he came back to Balthazar again, pinning his arms on either side of the man who suddenly couldn't breathe. “Next time I come back,” Lu told him, looking at the walls instead of him, “you're going to tell me about that one with the jellyfish over there.”

“Deal,” the other murmured, taking his lips without even asking his brain if that was okay or not. Then Lu's hand traveled down his still naked ribs and over his hips, making him forget everything again except for that touch. Lu pulled away, seemed to think better of it, and kissed Balthazar another time, before standing up straight again. The blonde even half-heartedly followed for a few inches, grateful that the other didn't seem to notice.

“I'll call you,” he said, backing towards the door.

“Please do,” the blonde purred in the darkest, sexiest voice he could muster.

Lu licked his lips again, smirking, before finally turning away to open the door. He glanced back again with a smile and little, awkward wave before leaving.

The door was closed for a while. Surely the elevator had come and gone by the time Balthazar glanced away and fell back into the bed, almost giggling like a school girl. That cold grip on his chest had been long since forgotten as he looked back to his phone, thumbing quickly through his contact list and finding the number he really needed right now.

“Hey. What are you doing tomorrow? I _really_ need to talk to someone right now.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally know exactly what's going to happen in this fic. If I continue this, it'll probably be a moderately long one. Buckle up!

Should he have stayed? It wasn't like he was running late. Later than he intended, sure, but Gabriel certainly made it clear that he by no means had to be back early. Yet, at the same time, a part of him was a bit too afraid to stay. They had basically just met, after all. It was nothing besides a pretty decent fuck. Staying would have just complicated things. Wouldn't it have?

Then there was the fact that he agreed to a second date, in so many words, and had gotten Balthazar's phone number. It was a little bit more than just a one night stand, that was for sure, but he didn't mind being friends. Balthazar was a great guy, fucking hilarious, and so damn cute when he got all awkward and flustered. At the same time, he seemed so in control, so sure of himself, that he was basically dripping sex incarnate at times.

What if this second date turned into a third, though? What if he began looking forward to the dinners more than the sex? Was he ready for something like that? Like an actual relationship with someone again? It's not that he was looking for someone to sleep around with, so more than one of these nights was too much, right?

He was reading way too far into this, he told himself as he shifted in the driver's seat for the tenth time. It was just sex.

When Lu arrived back to his brother's apartment no where near the time that Gabriel lectured him to go back by, he half expected the little shit to yell at him from behind the door and leave him in the hall. Instead, when he knocked, he received a younger, far more familiar voice. “Who's there?”

“Lily?” Good lord, could Gabe and Sam not keep it in their pants for a few damn hours?

Before he could fully consider the question, the door flew open. “Daddy!” Little arms wrapped around his neck as he bent down to greet her, and all thoughts of Balthazar became a far off dream as reality crashed back.

“Hey, Lil.” Lu hiked her up on his hip, kissing her on the end of her nose and earning a little giggle in return. “Where's your uncle?”

“Sleeping.” He was going to kill him. He was going to absolutely murder them both. “We finished the project, though!”

“Oh, that's good.” With a step inside, closing the door behind him, Lu looked around and kept his ears peeled for any sickly moans, the bastard. He couldn't believe Gabe would do this with his daughter in the place, wide awake, manning the front door-

Lily pointed to the couch and giggled. There they both were, sprawled out in fully-clothed glory. Sam had one leg perched on the coffee table in front of the couch, drink precariously still balanced on the arm rest, while tiny Gabriel basically used the Winchester as a giant pillow, almost being enveloped by the larger man. Their hands were close enough to have been touching earlier, too. “I'm getting diabetes just looking at them.”

She didn't know what her father meant, but Lil' laughed anyway. “I was going to draw funny faces on them.”

“Did Uncle Gabe teach you that?”

She nodded. Good. Karma should be a bitch more often with Gabriel. Lily pointed again. “We had paint left. See?”

Lu followed her little finger to the corner of the room where newspaper lined the floor. That definitely wasn't there earlier. Neither was the little models of what looked like the entire fucking solar system. Well, the sun, eight planets, and one dog from old Disney cartoons. “Is that Pluto?”

Lily nodded. “It's not a planet, but it is a dog.”

“Okay.” Like what kind of reply is one supposed to have to that? Moving away from the _project_ , Lu went closer to the two large lumps on the couch. “Let's wake these two up first.”

All it took was a small nudge of his foot against his brother's leg, and the shortest man in the room had jumped up to sit at attention, staring at Lu like he was a stranger for half a second. “Wha- Lu?”

“Don't be back before midnight, Lu,” the strawberry blonde mocked while the Winchester was just beginning to rouse, too. “You gotta go out and have fun, Lu. You're getting old, Lu.” It didn't help much that Lily laughed along to the voice he was making.

“I didn't say you were getting old,” Gabriel corrected, grabbing Sam's wrist to check the time. “Oh my God, it's early.”

Sam had finally opened his eyes, glancing around the room. “What's happening? What happened?”

“You two are a couple of sleepy heads,” Lu smirked.

Predictably, the little one laughed louder. “Sleepy heads!”

Gabriel stuck out his tongue to her before rubbing at his face and raising from the couch. “Welp,” he began to stretch, “At least we finished up our big project.”

“Yeah,” Lu sarcastically agreed, “Good job with Pluto.”

His brother just laughed. “She wanted something to hang in her room. Figured this was much better than just buying some cheap thing.”

“Well, we're going to put it up tomorrow,” the other said, looking to his daughter and giving her another kiss on the forehead. “Daddy is tired.”

At this, Sam stood up with a loud yawn, stretching with the forgotten drink still in hand. “I'll help you load it up, Lu. Sorry we both fell asleep like that.”

The girl pouted. “I would have woke you up, Sammy. It was just a minute.”

_Just a minute_ in Lily's dictionary meant about thirty seconds tops, so Lu wasn't worried. Before he could make a comment about it, his brother clapped him on the shoulder. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you,” he said in between during a yawn. “You wanna help Sammy, chipmunk?”

“Yes!” She wiggled to get down again.

Once she was on the floor, Lu handed his car keys to Sam, who promised to watch the girl far more closely this time before the pair began to load up on planets and head out. All Lily carried was Saturn and that was just because she wanted to help so badly.

They weren't out the door five seconds, before Gabriel slapped Lu behind the head. “What the hell, man?”

“Wha- What?” He turned around, facing his shit little brother. “I didn't fall asleep with my crush while watching someone else's kid.”

“Okay, fair. I'm sorry.” Gabriel ran a hand through his hair. “I've been up for like twenty hours and he's so cuddly, ya know?”

Lu shook his head. “It's fine, Gabe. She's all right. But what the hell are you slapping  _me_ for?”

“What am I-? It's not even ten yet!”

The strawberry blonde rolled his eyes. “I don't adhere to your curfews, Gabe. It's past Lily's bedti-”

“I could have put her to bed.”

“When? Ten in the morning?”

Gabriel groaned and rubbed at his eyes. “Just-” He paused and after another sigh, looked up again to face his brother. “Just tell me how it went.”

Oh. _Balthazar_ flooded back to him, even if it all felt like a lifetime ago. A guilt gripped at him for leaving too early like that, but he told himself that there was nothing to feel that way for. Then Lu remembered that he was standing in front of his curious little brother, so he shifted his weight and looked to the wall. He could say it was just okay, but it wasn't. He could say it was pretty amazing, but that would be way too intrusive. “We, uh-” He shifted again, rubbing his neck. “We're going to meet up again sometime.”

Gabriel waited, but nothing else was said. “Like... a second date?”

The other looked around the room and shrugged. “Yeah, I... guess.”

Again, he waited for more and got nothing. “That's great.” Gabriel finally said. “That's great. I mean, you don't really sound terribly enthused about it or anything, but-”

Lu gave him a sarcastic glare, but realized belatedly that his look wasn't what stopped Gabe's words. The younger man was staring at his neck. “Oh my God.” The strawberry blonde hurriedly snugged his shirt tighter around his throat, completely forgetting to even check if Balthazar had given him a hickey. His brother didn't miss it, though. “Tell me everything.”

“Nothing happened.” He immediately wanted to slap himself for the blatant lie.

Gabriel, of course, never missed a beat. His mouth hung open, which quickly turned into a huge grin, balling his fist against his lips. “You got laid on the  _first date_ . Dude!”

“Shhhhh! Shh Shh Shh!” Lu just wanted to put his brother's fist right down his throat, but he settled for patting him on every spot he could reach as he watched the door. “All right,” he whispered, “We had sex. Happy?”

“Yes!” Gabriel was nothing if not loud. “And you're going out again? When?”

“I don't know,” Lu shrugged, still whispering. “We exchanged numbers.”

“Who asked for the second date?”

What did that have to do with it? Lu blinked. “He did.”

Gabriel took his brother by the shoulders. “Call him right now.”

“What?”

“Call him right now. Set it up right now.”

“It's been like twenty minutes.”

“I don't care!”

“Don't care about what?” Sam stood in the door way, holding Lily's hand, both of them curiously staring at the brothers.

“Nothing,” Lu managed to say first. “We're going home. Good night, Gabriel!”

After scooping up Lily, saying good night to Sam, and letting her say her goodbyes, they quickly left before Gabriel could keep on doing what he did best. Lu could only pray he didn't tell the world what he tried so hard to keep secret.

Hardly an hour later, after tucking Lily into bed, a well needed shower, and putting her solar system on the kitchen table to put up in the morning, Lu lied sprawled on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. The only thing that would bounce around his mind was Balthazar and the thought of his hands- his  _mouth_ on him. He had picked up his phone to consider sending a quick text several times before his body decided for him, and he finally fell asleep.

* * *

Balthazar rubbed at his face for the hundredth time, trying hard to pull himself together. Last night, after Lu left and he had gotten off the phone, he went back and forth on whether or not their little tryst was a good thing or not. Finally, after a moderate to abysmal sleep, he decided that it definitely was not.

His latte sat untouched while his arms held himself steady against the small table outside of the café. He felt like a fucking train wreck, but at least his sunglasses made it look like he actually had a legitimate reason for it that was nothing as stupid as this.

“Sorry I'm late.”

The blonde raised his head to see the friend he called the night before pull out a chair and sit down. “Dean insisted on me eating a decent breakfast this morning,” Castiel told him, raising a finger back to the café as if that itself was his order. Hell, maybe he came here often or something. Balthazar couldn't find it in him to care right now. “So, what's going on that's so important you couldn't talk on the phone?”

Suddenly, he really didn't want to talk about it anymore. Balthazar shrugged, clasping his hands. “Not much really. Missed you is all. The shop is running fine, but we keep having to drive away the drunk friends of drunks, so there's never a dull moment, but we haven't had to call the police yet, thankfully. I think most of them or probably on parole anyway, between you and me. And that new hire I told you about, Jo, she's doing excellent. Really getting into her style.”

“Balthazar.”

“It's more of like a surrealism, you know. She's very good at doing realistic portraits, but she seems to just have this gift with abstract art, but we hardly get anyone asking for that sort of thing.”

“Balthazar.”

“I can't even remember the last time I've done my own abstract piece. It was probably one of those damn murals. I don't even know why I painted those stupid things. What if I sell the place? I'll have to paint over them. No one likes them anyway. I hate them-”

“ _Balthazar_.” The blonde stopped at the firm voice his friend rarely put on. “What's wrong?”

There was a long pause as Balthazar contemplated what to do- what to  _say_ . Finally, his shoulder's sagged, and he pulled off the shades. “Oh, Cassie. I'm a hot mess.” He could melt into the concrete and never get up again if it wouldn't garner too much attention.

The other look unperturbed. “What happened?”

Where does he even begin? “I met this man and-” And-

“And?”

“And-” _Ugh!_ “It's bad, Cassie. It's so bad.”

“What's bad?” Cas' brows pulled together. “Is he annoying?”

“No. No, it's me.”

“You're annoying?”

“No!”

Balthazar hid his face for a moment as a waitress came by and set Castiel's coffee on the table, too. Words were exchanged, but it all just sounded like white noise to him right now. He couldn't decide if he was miserable or embarrassed or both.

“So,” Castiel continued, sipping at his drink, “I'm still not sure what you're trying to get at, Balthazar.”

“ _ Me _ , Cas.” The blonde groaned, removing his hands to look better at his friend. “ _ I  _ have it bad. It's bad. Dammit, it's so bad. I don't know what to do.”

“Wait, really?” He placed his cup back on the table. “I didn't know you were dating.”

Yes, that was part of it. “Our first date was yesterday,” he replied, shaking his head.

“Oh... You're not usually-”

“I know,” Balthazar said, still shaking his head. “I know. Love 'em and leave 'em, I know. But he's just- He's wonderful, Cas. And last night was just- It was incredible, but my God, it couldn't have been anything other than a mistake. I didn't realize I'd be like this, but I should've and I know he can't possibly feel the same. I mean,  _ who does _ this soon?”

He paused due to Castiel's furrowed brow again. “I don't understand. You regret the date last night?”

Balthazar stared at him. “There was a bit more than just-”

“Oh!” He loved Castiel, but his friend was horribly thick at times. “Oh. Oh, I see... Wait, you did that knowing that you felt something for him?”

“I didn't think it would be like  _ this _ !” Balthazar feebly tried to defend himself. “Last night, while he was there, everything felt right and perfect, but I hardly know the man and I'm tripping over myself for him and I don't do that for people, Cas! I don't know what's wrong with me, but he's so perfect and amazing and I'm so fucked up right now. I hardly know him. It was such a mistake.”

“Does _he_ feel like it was a mistake?”

Balthazar sighed, shaking his head. “I don't know.”

“Have you spoken to him since then?” He shook his head again. “Have you tried to contact him?” Shook his head. “You need to talk to him, Balthazar.”

“I can't,” he whined, leaning back in his seat until he was looking at the clouds. “I can't tell him how I feel. This is so pathetic.”

“You should at least find out how he felt about last night,” Cas sipped at his coffee again. “If he didn't regret it- if he was okay with how you felt, would you still find it to be a mistake?”

“He wouldn't be okay with how I feel.”

Balthazar heard a sigh and ignored it. “Do you truly think it was a mistake? Do you not want to see him again?”

“Of course, I want to see him,” Balthazar sat up again, avoiding the first question. “I told you, I have it bad.”

“Then talk to him.” The blonde looked into the street and watched a few cars pass in the silence that passed between them, until Castiel continued. “Tell me about him.”

Oh. Oh, no. He would never stop. “There's not much to tell.”

“You said he's perfect and amazing,” Cas reminded him, sipping his drink again. “Is he funny?”

He shrugged, trying hard to keep it in. “Sometimes. I'm usually the one telling the jokes, but the way he laughs-” and he was lost “-it makes you feel like you just made everything right in his world. And he  _ is  _ funny, the poor man. He's just the type that doesn't mean to be, and he's just that much better for it. And he's so smart, too, Cassie. You wouldn't believe it. I honestly thought he was some sort of school teacher or something before he told me what he did – and by all rights, he should be – but the man is practically a genius and seems to know everything about everything. He hasn't really been away much, though, and things seem a bit hard for him right now, but he handles it with such grace, Castiel. Anyone would be completely in awe of him. And, oh my God, he is gorgeous to look at. Absolutely beautiful. His eyes just shine at every moment, and when he's talking about something he loves- something he's passionate about, that smile on his face! And he has this adorable little girl. I've only met her once, but she's so cute, Cassie. He's raised her by himself. I just wish I knew her better, but he talks as if she's the only thing in this world that matters to him and I just cannot get over the way he looks when he speaks of her. He even came to my shop wanting a tattoo of her name, saying that she'd love it. That's when I asked him out, even though I knew  _ then _ that I shouldn't... I'm so fucked...”

He cradled his head in his hands again, waiting for a reply as he forced his torrent of praise to end. “It's a crush,” Cas finally replied with a tiny smile. “I didn't think you'd ever be involved with a single parent, though.” Balthazar snorted. “What's his name?”

At that, he sighed. “Lu. His real name is something completely different, and I think his parents were some sort of Satan worshipers or something, but he likes to be called Lu. And his little girl-”

“Lily?”

Balthazar paused. Blinked. Stared. “What?”

Castiel furrowed his brow, stunned. “Lu and Lily Pellegrino. You're dating Lu Pellegrino?”

“What?”

The two stared at one another for a moment, until Cas leaned forward and put a hand to his mouth. “You're dating Lu. I can't believe this.”

“How do you-” What's happening? “How do you know him?”

“I met him in college.”

Ah! The held breath left his lungs. “Oh, so. It's been years since you've seen him then.”

“... Balthazar, I babysit Lily at least once a week.”

His tongue turned into ash. “I need to go.”

“Wait! Wait wait!” Cas leaned over the table, nearly spilling his coffee, but just managing to grab onto the blonde's sleeve. “Hold on a minute, Balthazar. This isn't a bad thing. It's amazing.”

“Amazing?” Ha! That's not the word he'd use.

“It is!” Castiel released him, seeming to believe he would actually stick around. “I can't believe you're like this over Lu. This is incredible. Just wait until he finds out that I know you-”

“ _ No! _ ” Balthazar slapped his hand over his mouth, looking around at the other customers of the café. There was only one older man glancing at them over his newspaper, but that was thankfully all the attention he gathered. “No, please. He can't know that we know each other.”

“Why not?”

“Just-” He didn't feel like explaining anymore. “Just please, Cassie. Don't tell him yet. Please. I- I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do, and now I find out that you  _ know him _ ?”

“It's okay. This is even better.” Cas straightened back up in his seat. “I know him, so I can give you better advice. And he is a good man, Balthazar. I know he wouldn't mind speaking to you about- Oh my God, last night you two-”

Balthazar stood. “I need to go.”

“Wait, no! I'm sorry.” Chairs clattered behind him, which must have been Cas standing, too. Sure enough, the other man darted out in front of him. “Balthazar, wait. I'm sorry, but this is a good thing. I can tell you all about him, and you both have a friend in common. This is good.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes until a thought occurred to him. “You can tell me what he says about me.”

“I can what?”

“You can tell me how he feels. Tell me what to fucking do with him. Tell me what he thinks about last night.”

“But you're the one that needs to-”

Balthazar's phone chimed and he nearly broke his arm trying to get it out of his pocket, somehow just assuming it was the strawberry blonde he was freaking out over. As if it would actually be Lu texting him. As if it mattered that much if it was.

It was.

_**Hi** _

Hi. That was it. After their unholy acts the night before, after leaving early, after casually agreeing to a second go around, all he had to say was 'Hi.' Cas tried to say something, but Balthazar rose a finger for him to wait as he replied.

_**Hey** _

It was all he could think of that was even close to neutral. But after a few seconds of silence that Castiel was getting restless in, there was a reply.

_**Are you the tattoo man** _

“What?” Balthazar blinked at the text, wondering if Lu had given him the right number or if this was a sick prank.

That is, until Cas peeked at the screen and immediately said, “Lily stole his phone. She knows how to make it type what she says. I get those all the time.”

There was a long pause as he just stared back at the screen, Castiel's last few words hardly even reaching him, as he tried hard to not have the reaction he was currently having, but his eyes finally fell closed and his forehead met the phone. “That is so fucking cute.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

He wasn't sure if Gabriel decided that the solar system was a good idea or if it was what Lily had wanted, but Lu kinda loved the whole thing. They even painted Jupiter right, he thought as he hung it up on a separate part of her ceiling from the other planets. “I think this one's my favorite,” he said aloud, though Pluto was definitely up there.

When he received no answer, Lu looked down to the floor from the dresser he was balancing on top of, finding Lily sitting against her bed with his phone in her hands. Come to think of it, he did hear her chattering something a moment ago, but now she just looked confused. “What's wrong, Lil' Bit?”

“I don't know this word.” Her brow furrowed in concentration at the screen.

Usually, he would walk over and try to help her out, but he was in a bit of a situation at the moment. Still, he loved moments like this. She was so damn smart and could already spell things and knew so many words, even if she used the voice-to-text function on his phone all the time. He figured that helped a lot, so he usually didn't mind. “Can you spell it?” he asked, looking back to loop Jupiter's string over the hook he just screwed in.

“S-W-E-E-... T-H-E-A-... Not the P one.”

“R?”

“R! and T again.”

He had to blink at his hands for a second, trying to go back over all those letters that he was half listening to. “Sweetheart?”

She giggled at that name. “Sweetheart."

Lu chuckled, too, leaning back to admire his work. “Who are you talking to?”

“The tattoo man.”

“The tattoo-” The world froze. When everything started up again, Lu was jumping down from the dresser and half way across the room before Lil' looked up to him. Trying not to frighten her, the father slid in beside her to see what _horrible_ things Balthazar was sending through text as he likely assumed a fully grown man was reading them and not a five year old girl.

“What is it?” Lily asked, looking at him curiously.

Lu quickly read through the very few texts on his phone. Predictably, Lily had started it. They had exchanged hello's, and the girl moved straight on to the big question. _**Are you the tattoo man**_? Somehow, some magical way that Lu was too relieved to fathom, Balthazar had caught on.

_**I'm the tattoo man, yes. Is this Lily, sweetheart?** _

“Nothing,” Lu sighed, so thankful right now. “Nothing, just- You're only supposed to text people you know, remember?”

She frowned. “I know. But this one was new and I thought it was the tattoo man. His name starts with a B.” Lu chuckled as the girl turned back to the phone, pressing a button without him noticing. “Are you still weird?” she asked the phone. While her father was trying to figure out what she meant, the phone slowly typed her words on the screen. Once he did figure it out, though, his hand flew forward, but not fast enough before her little finger hit send.

His hand just pressed against his mouth as he waited, other hand resting on the phone. The girl looked at him strangely again. “Are you okay?”

No. “You weren't supposed to keep texting him, Lily.”

“Oh...” She looked between him and the phone. “But we were already talking.”

His hand moved to cover his eyes. “I know, baby, but-” His phone chimed, making Lu peek between his fingers.

_**I'm not weird :(** _

“I made him sad,” she pouted, but Lu decided to use the moment to take the phone from her. As he started typing a reply, she crawled into his lap and pointed at the screen. “What's that word mean?”

“Weird,” he told her. “He's saying he's not weird.” As her mouth formed a little _oh_ shape, Lu sent his message.

_**Sorry, Lily took my phone for a minute. She likes texting people.** _

After a second, he decided to send another one.

_**And for the record, she thinks you're weird because of how you two met. I never told her what actually happened there.** _

“What's that say?” she asked, looking up to her father.

He, on the other hand, stared at the phone. “I'm just apologizing in case he was confused. I forgot to tell him that you like to text people on my phone sometimes.”

“Oh,” she said again as they both stared at the phone, waiting for a reply, solar system completely forgotten. Eventually, Lily looked up to him again. “Was he weird last night, too?”

He bit his lip to hold in a laugh. “No, sweetie. He wasn't weird last night. He was nice.” He was  _ extremely  _ nice, but that was a thought for later.

“When can I see him?” she reminded him, “You said I could.”

He did say something like that. “Maybe someday soon. We'll see.” He had to figure out where this whole relationship thing was going first.

Originally, he was pretty damn sure that last night would be it, but now they have another outing somewhere in the works that may or may not happen. Did that mean Balthazar wanted to be fuck buddies? If so, was that in the same sense how he and Sam would share a bed or were they supposed to act like complete strangers until the fun started? To be honest, while the thought of having someone else's bed to go to every now and then was nice, Lu was definitely not looking for something like that, even if they were good friends on the side. Though, he couldn't imagine Balthazar wanting an actual relationship, something long-term. Lu had a kid, after all. He wasn't exactly on the market. Besides, the blonde owned a tattoo shop, was well traveled, and liked going to bars and making out with strangers. Someone like that wasn't looking for the life Lu had.

Maybe a second date was a really bad idea. He didn't want to lead this guy into thinking the wrong thing. On the other hand, Lu really liked Balthazar... But they were just too different. He mulled it over in his head before deciding that someone like Balthazar would be more likely to understand than not, but as soon as he was about to text something about it, another reply came in.

_**It's okay, she's adorable. And we were having a very important conversation about my weirdness, Lu ;)** _

He smiled, chuckled, and couldn't bring himself to do it. “I think he likes you.”

“What's it say?” the girl asked, squinting at the bigger words.

“That you're adorable.”

“Oh... I _am_ cute.”

“Yes, you are,” Lu laughed again, kissing her on the top of the head.

Maybe another date wouldn't be so bad. He can get to know Balthazar a little better and gauge a bit more properly of how this whole thing was going to go. Only, this time, he really didn't want to end up in that man's bed again. Sure, it was fucking amazing and Lu figured he would dream about it for months, but if Balthazar wanted to keep doing this, then he had to make it clear that he wasn't looking for something that was just about sex. Maybe it would bring a much needed discussion or maybe, just maybe, Balthazar would get bored and find someone else more his speed. He really didn't want the blonde to be bored of him – he would much rather end things before it got too emotional – but he didn't want to end it right now either.

Before he could change his mind again, Lu quickly typed and sent: _**Speaking of important conversations, where were you planning on taking me this time?**_

“Are you still talking about me?” Lily asked, watching the words on the screen.

“Not at this particular moment, bug,” her father answered, resting his head on top of hers as another reply came in.

_**I picked last time. Your turn.** _

Oh, that left far too many options.  _**Depends. When are you not working?** _

Lily scrunched up her brow, recognizing a word. “Why are you talking about work?” She knew that word more or less meant that dad had to be away.

He blinked down at her. “I'm asking him how often he works so that we can hang out again.”

“Can I go?” she gasped, eyes lighting up.

As Balthazar sent in his schedule for the next week, Lu frowned down to her. “Maybe next time, Lil. It's nothing against you. I'm just still trying to figure this guy out before I introduce you two.” Which was entirely true. Lily was going to no doubt be a complete chatterbox upon meeting a real tattoo artist and her dad's _friend_ at that. He just wanted to not only make sure that Balthazar was mentally prepared, but also to make sure his reactions to his daughter wouldn't disappoint Lu. His little girl came first and it would be a shame to end something that seemed so beautiful on a sour note.

Lily, however, didn't look offended in the least. “I told you, he's weird,” she replied once again. “I like him, though. He thinks I'm cute.”

Lu laughed as he looked over the new message, thinking through his own schedule and giving a small frown. Maybe this was a good thing.

_**I might be free on Wednesday around four for a few hours. Depends on if I can find a sitter by then.** _

As Lily slowly pronounced, “Wednesday,” Lu just stared at his phone. It was stupid to prolong this. Why would Balthazar want to date someone who didn't even have time for him? It wasn't like he was sticking around for the sex. Balthazar could easily have anyone he wanted. Why stick around for someone who barely lasted ten minutes, if that?

He was getting ready for the inevitable when a reply came, making Lily grumble, “I was reading that.” Lu didn't answer her as he could hardly process the new message.

_**I don't mind her tagging along if you don't.** _

Was he being serious? Did he really not mind or was he just being polite? This didn't make much sense if all he was after was sex – since Lu made it obvious that he wasn't playing hard to get – so what was he after? The man clicked his tongue as he stared at the phone, half-aware of his daughter's eyes on him.

_**I'll see what I can do. How does the park sound to you?** _

He didn't know what to make about Balthazar's willingness to be around Lily, too, but he was fully aware that since the blonde paid last time, he was going to pay this time. He was also aware that the park was free and could only pray the other man didn't catch on to that.

_**It sounds perfect. I like the way you think.** _

Lu chuckled.  _**Great. I have to go. Lily started texting you while I was busy. She's sneaky.** _

“Sneeaaaa... keeyyy... I'm not sneaky!”

Lu laughed again and kissed her on the forehead. “Yes, you are.”

His phone chimed again.  _**Sure. Keep me updated ;)** _ Updated on what, Lu wasn't sure, but he had a feeling that they'd talk again before then.

“All right, Lil',” he said, handing back the phone, “Stop texting Balthazar for now, okay? I still have to put up Neptune.”

She giggled again as he stood. “You like them? I painted Neptune all by myself.”

“I love them,” he told her, hopping back on to the dresser. To be honest, they were cute little things. It looked like painted paper maché, a project straight out of Gabriel's head no doubt. “I'm kind of surprised you kept them secret for so long.”

Lily laughed again, thankfully not paying any more attention to his forgotten phone.

* * *

Seeing as how the asshole knew every aspect of his life, Lu called Gabriel first as he perched himself at the kitchen table, keeping one eye on Lily watching TV in the next room.

“ _Wednesday's no good for me, Lu._ ” At least the other man did sound a bit sad about it. “ _I love hanging out with the munchkin, but I already made plans and those can't be stopped right now. Oh and don't call Sam! He's booked, too. He just doesn't know it yet._ ”

Wanting to stay as far away from that one as possible, Lu tried the next most likely person on his list... When his call wasn't answered after three tries, he rang up the boyfriend.

“ _He's not answering?_ ” Dean asked perplexed, the sound of traffic raging in the background. “ _That's weird. I just got off the phone with him. Maybe he has a bad signal or something... When was that? Wednesday? Cas just made plans for us to go out on Wednesday. I would try talking him out of it, but he says it's important or something? I don't know. Hell, maybe he'll pop the question_.” The Winchester laughed to himself, then silence filled the line. “ _Oh God. What if he will?_ ”

After twenty minutes of trying to calm Dean down from what could only be described as an anxiety attack, Lu tried the last contact on his list.

“ _Wednesday? Can't, man. I got a date._ ”

“You always have a date, Michael.” Which was true. Somehow, his twin brother was much better looking than himself – or so Lu was lead to believe for years by all the women falling at Mike's feet.

“ _I know_ ,” the other groaned, “ _but I kind of like this one._ ”

“Brunette?” He liked the brunettes.

“ _She's blonde, sassy mouth_ ,” Mike chuckled. “ _Her name's Rachel. She teaches fourth graders at that fancy private school._ ”

That was different. “You know where she works? And she teaches kids? Dude, are you okay?”

“ _I don't know! This is like our third date and all we've done was kiss! I'm not even mad about it, though, man. She's so cool. You have to meet her._ ”

“What?” Lu closed his eyes, shaking his head. Mike wanted him to _meet her_? “When did this happen?”

“ _A couple weeks ago. We met at Starbucks. Can you believe that? Fucking Starbucks! I swear, I'm living in a chick flick right now and I'm loving it._ ” Lu scrubbed at his eyes. “ _What's happening Wednesday that's so important, anyway?_ ”

“I-” Have a date? Absolutely not. “I'm meeting a friend.”

“ _The blonde guy from the bar?_ ”

“... Seriously?”

“ _Did you really think Gabriel could keep his mouth shut? He's making the wedding invitations as we speak._ ”

He really should have expected this. Lu groaned and scrubbed his face with his free hand. “I don't get it. Why is this such a big deal? You see girls all the damn time and no one loses their shit. Why do I keep getting these reactions?”

“ _Because you_ never _see anyone, that's why_ ,” Mike laughed, making his brother frown more. “ _I'm happy for you, really. I hope it works out._ ”

It was most definitely not going to work out. Why he was dragging it on was a mystery for another time. “Yeah, you and every single other person I tell. I'm just seeing him every now and then. We're not dating and we _definitely_ aren't handing out wedding invitations.”

“ _Either way,_ ” Michael continued, sounding a bit more serious this time, “ _I'm still happy for you whether this one works out or not. Just the fact that you're putting yourself out there-_ ”

“I'm _not_ putting myself anywhere,” Lu cut him off. “It just sort of... happened. And why should anyone be happy about me dating? I'm not eighteen, shit. I got bills to pay.”

“ _We just don't want you to... you know..._ ” No, he didn't fucking know, so he stayed quiet until an answer was given. “ _We don't want you ending up alone._ ”

_Alone?_ “What? What the hell are you talking about? I've got Lily.”

“ _I know, we all know that, but she's going to get older, Lu. She's going to grow up and move out and make her own family one day._ ”

“Yeah, when she's forty.” He knew how a young boy's mind worked. Like any of those gross little pricks was going to touch his baby girl.

Mike groaned. “ _I'm serious, Lu. I just want you to be happy, even_ after  _you throw a unicorn themed party for her fortieth birthday_ .”

“Shut up. It's rockets this year. She's on this space kick and it's so adorable- ”

“ _See? You need someone to gush with_.” Lu groaned again, having walked right into that one, when his brother continued. “ _Have you tried everyone else?_ ”

“Yeah.” Since Michael was usually out doing whatever, he was often the last option. “But he said that he doesn't mind if she comes with.” He didn't know why he said that. Maybe it was because he was seriously considering it, even before he began calling people. He did desperately want to see Balthazar interact with Lily. It would give him a much better idea on what to do with all of this and, more importantly, a very good excuse to end it when things go south.

“ _That's perfect!_ ” Somehow, his twin brother thought otherwise. “ _Bring her with you, especially if he wants to see her. Has he met her yet?_ ”

“Sort of... She came with me when I set up my tattoo appointment for her name.”

“ _Wait, he works- Is he a tattoo artist?_ ” Lu didn't answer. “ _Dude, she's going to love him. Bring her! It's going to be so cute._ ”

He didn't know what all Gabriel had told Michael about their date night, but Lu wasn't about to go into the complicated details of it all. Either Balthazar was going to immensely regret offering for Lily to tag along or he was going to try to buy her off. Either way, at least Lu will know for sure and there'll be some sort of closure. He couldn't just end it with a phone call while thoughts of what could have been rolled around in his head. He needed to see it end. He needed a reason. Thankfully, it wouldn't be hard to find one with a man like that. “I guess.”

“ _What's so bad about it? I mean, it's a second date. You must like the guy._ ”

“... Yeah, I do.”

Michael was silent on the other end for so long that he wondered if the connection was lost. “ _Are you scared?_ ”

And there it was in words. “We're way too different for each other. There's no way this is going to work out.”

“ _... Right._ ” Lu rested his head on his hands, suddenly hating every piece of this conversation. “ _I'm really proud of you, for what it's worth_ ,” his brother continued. “ _Bring her along. Let them meet each other. It can't be that bad._ ” Silence. “ _Okay?_ ”

Still silence, but Lu screwed his eyes shut and scratched at his hair line. “Yeah, okay.” _It's too soon. I barely know him. This is so messed up._ “I'll let him know.”

* * *

_**No one I knew was free on Wednesday. Are you sure you don't mind Lily coming with us? We can postpone. It's not a big deal.** _

_**I absolutely don't mind! I'd love to meet her and try to prove how not weird I am.** _

_**Okay, if you're sure. She's really well behaved. She just sometimes doesn't think before she speaks.** _

_**That's good. I like the blunt ones.** _

“How are you so fucking perfect?” Lu muttered to himself. _**All right then. Wednesday it is.**_

_**Great! :) I can't wait.** _

 


	9. Chapter 9

Dean pulled clothes off of the hangars, throwing them to the floor in a fit. None of this was good enough. He worked at a goddamn TV station and nothing he owned was good enough.

"Dean?" He heard Cas' voice on their bedroom, no doubt looking curiously to the clothes all over the floor. "Is something wrong?"

"Wrong?" Dean laughed nervously. "No. Nah, Cas. I'm good. Just looking for something to wear. That's all. Just- just, you know. Clothes."

"Clothes," Cas repeated, looking at the floor again. "Dean, we're going to Burger King."

Yes, he damn well knew that they were going to Burger King. The Burger King on Third. The Burger King where they had they're first unofficial date. The Burger King that was so important that they couldn't take Lily for a few hours. Yes, _that_ Burger King. Dean wanted to curl under the pile of clothes and never come out. "Yeah, I know. I just wanna, you know… look nice."

"… Okay." After a moment, the bed creaked, signifying that Cass had just sat down. "By the way, Dean," he continued, "I'm sorry for just springing this on you. It's been a weird few days."

"What do you mean?" Dean asked, hoping he didn't sound too shaken.

There was silence in the other room, in which the Winchester could have easily swallowed his tongue though. "Can you keep a secret?"

Oh God, he was going to die before they even got in the car. "Of course, Cas."

"You remember Balthazar, right?"

What? What did he have to do with- "Your old buddy from the Jurassic Period? Yeah, I remember him." He just hoped that sounded confident.

There was another God awful silence. "… He's the one dating Lu."

All his terrifying thoughts of wedding bells ceased as Dean poked his head out to see his boyfriend. "Seriously?"

"I don't know how they met," he nodded, "but I was firmly asked by Balthazar to keep that I know them both a secret."

Dean's brow furrowed. "So does Lu-?" Cass shook his head. "Why not tell him?"

"That's why I'm avoiding Lu," the other admitted. "Balthazar's in love with him. _Hopelessly_ in love with him. I'm not great with secrets like that."

Dean was silent for a second, trying to comprehend those two together. "But it's just been like a week?"

Cas' phone began to chime in his pocket. The Novak sighed, digging it out and hardly glancing to the name before answering. "Hello?" A faint chatter erupted on the line and, for few seconds, Castiel allowed it. "Balthazar… Balthazar, calm down... You're just going to the park. Breathe... It'll be fine… Batha-... Balthazar… Balthazar, she's going to love you. Calm down… You'll do fine. It'll be okay… No, you are funny... You're _not_ horrible with kids... Balth- Balthazar, it's-... You're not a terrible person, calm down... You're being irrational... Ba-... Balth- Baltha-... It'll be fine, okay? I'm serious, you need to calm-... It's just the _park_... He does like you. If he didn't, then he wouldn't be doing this with you... Yes, I know it's not the same, but-... I know... I know... Balthazar, I know... Yes, I know... Balthazar... Balthazar! Listen to me. Just calm down, okay? He already likes you, and you already have a lot of points with Lily just because of what you do for a living. You're just walking through the park for a couple of hours. It's going to be fine and you'll do amazing... It's not like you're proposing.”

Dean balked and hurried back into the closet, going back to his dire search for something to wear. Something that was good, appropriate. Something that he could look back on and think that he didn't completely fuck everything up.

Cas walked in behind him. “Call me back when it's over, all right?... Okay... I'll talk to you later. Have fun, _please_... Okay, bye.” The phone beeped on the loss of connection about five seconds before the raven haired man wrapped his arms around Dean. “Are you ready, yet? I'm hungry and I want to spend ten minutes not thinking about Balthazar's issues.”

“I-... I-”

“Dean, people go to Burger King in pajamas. You look fine. We can go through the drive-thru if you-”

“No!” Dean spun around to face his _beautiful_ boyfriend and grabbed him by the arms. “No, I want to go inside. I want to do this with you, Cas. I _can_ do this with you. You're all the strength I need and I love you so much, Cas. I love you.”

Castiel stared at him, making the other want to fall to his knees for a moment, until finally he blinked. “Maybe we should stay home.”

The Winchester cringed. “No, I'm ready! Let's go! I'm so sorry. Let's just go. Let's go.” He grabbed his hand, basically hauling Castiel out of the closet.

* * *

Lu purposely waited until Wednesday morning to ask Lily if she still wanted to meet Balthazar. The answer, in so many words, was yes. Predictably, she was a high voltage bundle of excitement, constantly asking if they could go _right now_ until Lu had to go to work. Thankfully, Michael had agreed to take her until his own date night/evening began, which was around three, but Lu figured that wouldn't be a problem.

He was proven right when, once again, the boss let him off far too early. At one, he picked up Lily who was still chatting up everything that moved and still wondering if they could just please go _right now_ , but Lu somehow convinced her to be at least patient enough for him to go home and wash up a little bit.

When four finally struck, Lily was bouncing by her father's side, little hand tucked in his as they made their way into the park. Really, the park alone would have been grounds for her excitement since they hardly got to go out and do things together like that, much less Lily playing with other kids her age, but none of that seemed to be on her mind right now. She just wanted to see the tattoo man again.

It wasn't long into the walk until Lu zeroed in on Balthazar, again with his back to him, and the memory of the last time he saw him swam back up, of the man naked and giddy and flushed and he really needed to put those thoughts out of his mind right now. Not only was his kid with them today, but he had to remind himself that he wasn't looking for something purely physical. Then, after that firmly registered, he remembered that this was part of a scheme to drive Balthazar away before things became too serious and needy. He remembered that this wasn't a date, this was a judgment to see how the lecherous blonde man treated the most important person on the planet to Lu. Somehow, deep down, he really hoped Balthazar would fuck it up. He wasn't ready for this. Being that close to someone in a romantic sense left the realm of possibility when that bitch put a six month old in his arms and walked out on them both.

For a moment, nerves took him again and Lu bit his lip before calling out, “Balthazar.” Might as well get it over with.

The older man had been pacing in front of a stone bench before turning at the sound of his name. When he did – and this is where things were complicated – his face lit up into a brilliant smile that seemed to make all of him glow once he caught sight of both of them. No sexy wink. No fuck-me grin. Just a huge smile like he had been waiting for this moment his whole life and Lu felt hurt over it.

He couldn't pin down whether the feeling was guilt or fear, but he didn't have long to think it over as Lily tugged on his arm harder, silently pleading for him to move his ass.

That's when Balthazar glanced away from him and down to the child, still keeping his giant smile. “Hello, darling,” he greeted her once they were in earshot.

“Hi!” She stopped in front of him, giving a big smile back, but never letting go of her daddy's hand. Lu was glad for that much, despite how excited she was a moment ago.

Then the other man continued. “I'm terribly sorry for coming off so weird before. It wasn't my intention.”

She giggled at him. “It's okay. It was a good weird.”

“Well, I'm pleased to hear that much,” he laughed, too, squatting down to her height and extending his hand, “I don't believe we've properly met. I'm Balthazar.”

Immediately, she grabbed on to his big hand and shook it as hard as she could. “I'm Lily.”

“It's an honor to finally meet you, Lily,” he said, shaking her hand, too. “Lu's told me a lot about you. Good things!”

She giggled again, finally releasing him. “You're the tattoo man?”

“Indeed, I am.”

“You drew my name on daddy?”

It was Balthazar's turn to laugh as she shook her father's arm, as if reminding him who her father was. “Yes, that was me. Did you like it? It was more for you than anyone else after all.”

“It's so pretty, I love it!” She gripped Lu's hand closer to her, “Thank you!”

At that, he descended into a short fit of laughter. Lu could just make out a red tinge to the other man's ears and cheeks. “You're very welcome, sweetheart,” Balthazar continued, “It was my pleasure. Not many people are as grateful for their name being on someone else as you are.”

She laughed again, and Lu couldn't believe this shit. Maybe it just needed time before Balthazar felt this had gotten old. Maybe this was some sort of act or- But it couldn't be. The way he was looking at her, laughing with her, _talking_ to her... Lu felt like he was a third wheel suddenly and that these two could probably chat all day if allowed. That's exactly what he was afraid of, but the little date had just begun. There was plenty of time for Balthazar to show what would no doubt be his true colors.

Then the blonde glanced up to him with that big smile and the same hurt washed over him. Lu decided it was far more guilt than fear. He was trying to find the absolute worst in this perfect man in front of him, and feeling cheated when he couldn't see anything. How was that even close to fair to Balthazar? For that matter, how was it fair to Lily? He was basically using his own daughter as bait and getting disappointed when no bite came.

But would he have let her go with them today if he truly believed Balthazar to be the malicious man he wanted so badly for him to be? The answer, of course, was no and that was where the fear came back again.

The words, “Why do you talk funny?” registered with him after a second and snapped him back to reality. Lu tugged on his daughter's hand. “Lily...”

“No, it's okay,” Balthazar waved at him before going back to the girl, “Actually, it's an accent I picked up from my home. You see, I'm from very far away. Have you ever heard of Paris?” She excitedly nodded. “I was born there, but I learned English in London, another city that's far away. That's why I sound like this when I talk.”

Her eyes could be compared to dinner plates. “You had to _learn_ English?”

Balthazar nodded, laughing. “I grew up knowing French, so I learned English when I was about your age. It's easier for a kid than an adult.”

“Do you still know French?”

“Oui, chéri,” he smiled, switching languages easily. “Je ne l'ai pas oublié français.”

Oh, now _that_ was going to be a problem. Lu felt like both of them were looking at him with the same wondrous, starry-eyed look. Quickly, she squealed, "Can you teach me?"

He laughed again, this time looking even more genuine and comfortable than the last. "Learning languages takes a long time, little one. Maybe we can do a bit here and there, at least until the day you can learn it properly in school. What would you like to say in French, dear?"

"Umm…" Lily stared hard at Balthazar, obviously trying to think of something good.

As time lapsed, the blonde's smile only got wider as he watched her concentrated stare, before finally just laughing at her. "How about this?" he began, adjusting his legs beneath him. "Je t'aime." when she blinked at him and tilted her head to the side, he said it again slower. "Je… t'aime…"

She blinked again. "Je… tame… tan?"

"T'aime…"

"T'aime," she finally said. "Je t'aime!"

Balthazar laughed again. "It means 'I love you.'"

At that, her eyes lit up like Christmas morning, looking up to her dad. "Je t'aime!"

This was probably the cutest thing Lu had ever experienced. "I love you, too, baby," he chuckled, ruffling her hair with his free hand. This was way too much to deal with when it came to Balthazar, but at the same time Lu couldn't stop smiling about it either. He was happy and that was horrifying. Wasn't it too soon to find happiness with this man anyway? Did they fuck too soon? But it was supposed to be a one night stand, not a goddamn relationship. "Hey, I figured that since we're here, maybe you wanted to go and play at the slides?"

"Yes!" This was just a thrilling day for her, then she looked at Balthazar again. "Are you coming, too?"

He nodded and stood. "Yes, I'm tagging along."

With a happy shriek, Lily grabbed Balthazar's hand with her free one and pulled him along. Lu would have used his warning voice again, but the blonde laughed like he did on their first date and allowed Lily to pull him wherever she wished. That was tough to swallow, too. Even as they fell into an easy pace, Lu on her right and Balthazar on her left, Lily didn't waste the moment. "Do you draw a lot of tattoos?"

"Oh dear," the blonde laughed again. "I must do at least three to ten a day, depending on the size and detail."

She looked up at him with big eyes again. "You draw wings, too?"

"Wings?" he chuckled. "Sometimes."

"Did you draw daddy's?"

Lu finally decided to enter in on the conversation, and did so with a smile. "No, baby. Someone else did those a long time ago."

"Oh." She frowned at Lu before smiling back to Balthazar. "Did you see daddy's? They're so pretty."

"I did," the older man chuckled in a reply, and the night that was only supposed to happen once swam back to Lu in a rush, as it usually did when he was reminded of it. Fortunately, Balthazar added, "I got a good look at them when I put your name on his back. They were extremely well done. I'm a bit jealous."

"You draw pretty, too," she reassured him. “Miss Anna showed me."

He nodded, giving another trademark bright smile. "I heard that. I'm very pleased to hear you like them, Lily. Thank you."

She giggled just as the tiny playground came into sight. Other kids were there, too, which Lu was grateful for. Though, the girl between them looked up at the older man first. "Are you gonna stay?"

“Yes, little one,” he told her again, “I'm not leaving. I'll be here for a while. Go have fun.”

With one glance to her dad – who gave a nod – Lily bolted off to the playground, immediately screaming with the other kids and headed straight for jungle gym. Balthazar laughed at the display. “She's a curious little thing.”

“Yeah,” Lu sighed, wandering over to the nearest bench. “Sorry about that.”

“No, no. It's fine,” the blonde said again, happily sitting down next the other man. “You did warn me, after all, but she's not bad in the least. Smart, though. Has she started school yet?”

She was very smart, and Lu gave a proud smile to the playground as she chatted up some other kids. “Not yet, but she will in August. She's not nervous or anything.”

“Good,” the other replied, and Lu could hear the smile in his voice, “Just wait until sleepovers begin.”

The dirty blonde snorted. “Well, it's going to have to be at my place. I don't think I can let her go for a whole night, much less with a stranger. Man, I'm going to have to stock up on Advil...”

“She's never stayed with one of her uncles before?”

At this, Lu looked to him, instantly seeing the real questions beneath. She was five, going on six, and the only times she was ever away from him for more than nine hours was when her mother was still in the picture, and then he wouldn't see her for days on end no matter how badly he wanted to. It was almost a blessing that he never had to utter the word _custody_ before she left, but it didn't change that he had no idea what he was doing at the time. Still, no matter what, it was so much better this way.

Then he snapped back to reality again, remembering the question. “No,” he chuckled, a little smile tugging at his lips, “I... don't usually do this.” By _this_ , he meant whatever the hell it was that they had, but Balthazar caught on and graced him with another one of those warm, happy smiles.

Lu returned it as best he could before the blonde looked back to the kids playing. Then he just... watched him... He couldn't do this. It had become clear that Lily had found nothing but a new friend in Balthazar and a good one at that. He was wonderful with kids and genuinely seemed to like his little girl. If that wasn't going to be the breaking point, Lu wasn't sure what would. They hadn't known each other a full two weeks, but he couldn't find a single flaw in this man. At least nothing that was a flaw in _his_ eyes. Balthazar was great with kids, loved Lily, was hilarious, very intelligent, talented, sexy as fuck, and seemed to know exactly what kind of person Lu needed most. Worst of all, every so often when he would look at Lu and smile or laugh or be in the middle of one of his stories or when the strawberry blonde was cringing and panting beneath him in that loft, there was a softness in Balthazar's eyes. It was familiar and inviting and warm and it terrified Lucifer to his very core. Even worse than that, he felt like he returned the look at least half of the time.

He could not do this. He couldn't do this to himself, and he sure as hell couldn't do it to Lily. She didn't remember her mother, but she would remember Balthazar and he just could not let her go through that. This had to end, Lu thought to himself as he watched the blonde man beside him, silently and happily watching the kids play like he could do this every day of his life. This had to end _now_.

“Balthazar.”

The other turned his full attention to Lu, bright blue eyes locking with his immediately and smiling a little broader. When nothing came after a beat of silence, he gave a snarky grin. “Yes, Lu.”

The strawberry blonde smiled and even breathed a laugh, before licking his lips and frowning again. “I don't think it's best that-”

Screams erupted from the playground, but instead of the usual kind, it was the sort that got the attention of every parent in the area, plus Balthazar who had just jolted forward to stand when he caught sight of Lily. She hadn't been the one screaming – in fact, she had a big smile on her face and something in her little hands. It was everyone _else_ screaming and scrambling away from her as she trotted up to her father.

“Daddy, look!” She pulled one hand away far enough away for the two men to catch sight of a tiny, likely _terrified_ , bright green tree frog.

“Lily!” Lu's eyes went wide, wondering where on Earth she could find this stuff. Sometimes he could swear that she was more Gabriel's than his. “Where did you- Put that back!”

While his voice was loud, his tone was very non-threatening so her smile stayed on. Balthazar's sudden hyena-esque giggles didn't help. “I can't, daddy. One of the boys was about to eat him.”

The blonde was on the fast track of losing oxygen. “Let him!”

She gave Balthazar a disgruntled look just as another kid, a boy about Lily's age, ran up to them. “You saved the frog?”

“Yep, see?” She showed the other boy, who promptly poked the frog on the head. “I don't know what to do, though. Daddy says to put him back.” At this, she looked back to Lu. “Can we keep him?”

Can they keep a frog? A fucking frog? Absolutely fucking _not_. Lu was about to make some sort of negative sounds, when Balthazar's chuckles cleared up and he broke in. “He won't make it in a home, little one. He has to be outside with other frogs to live.” More or less a lie, but Lu was grateful nonetheless as the blonde looked around and pointed at a nearby tree. “He would like it over there. Shady and still damp from the dew. A playground is no place for a frog.”

“Okay!” She rushed off with a smile, the young boy right beside her as they hurried over to the little tree. The two kids huddled together by the roots, letting the frog go and poking it every time it decided to not hop away fast enough.

“Poor thing almost got eaten,” Balthazar chuckled again, watching as the kids got bored and hurried back over to the playground. Lily waved to them as she ran, and Lu watched as Balthazar happily waved back. Finally, after a beat went by, the blonde turned back to him. “Anyway, what were you saying?”

The dirty blonde blinked and looked back to him, feeling like the question was an unexpected slap in the face. It must have showed, too, because Balthazar's eyes suddenly reflected a hint of worry though his smile never wavered. “I was going to say that-” Maybe-... Maybe he shouldn't today. Lily was with them and both of them were having such a good time. They _all_ were enjoying themselves, and Lu didn't want to see whatever fall out this would cause, if any. Plus, he would need a very firm drink afterwards to remind himself that breaking things off is the right thing to do for everyone involved, even if he felt so fucking shitty just thinking about it. But not today. “Actually, man, I can't even remember.”

Balthazar laughed at that, the worry immediately draining from his eyes as he glanced again to the playground. “By the way, how's your tattoo doing? I didn't get a chance to look at it the other night.”

The tone of voice was only lightly joking and that made Lu smile wider, pushing from his mind every horrid thought about leaving this wonderful man. “It's healing great, actually. Lily wants to see it all the time, so I don't exactly forget to check on it.” That made the blonde chuckle. “It's beautiful, too. You really did do a great job on it.”

“Please, anyone could have done that.” But that red tinge came back to Balthazar's features, making his heart soar despite himself.

Lu's smile grew wider as he finally just allowed himself to enjoy this. Before the words could even filter through his mind, he asked, “What are you doing this weekend?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting that I can actually reply to reviews on AO3, so I'm sorry for not answering you guys! lol I will from now on, but I appreciate every kind word I've been given thus far. Thank you very much for reading. :)


	10. Chapter 10

Lu's back crashed into the same wall it usually did. Two weeks had passed since that day at the park and every morning Lucifer woke up thinking, _this has to end_. But that was quickly followed with _not today_. It was never the right moment to end things, but he knew he was stalling. He couldn't help it. If this could just last for _one more day_ , then surely things would begin to feel over and complete by sunrise. But it never did. It just felt worse or better or-

Balthazar's teeth raked along the front of his neck, making Lu's head fall back in a groan. They had already gone through a few of the murals in the blonde's loft. The white and blue jellyfish swimming over the TV and bookshelf was aptly named  _Spineless_ and was done simply for the sake of painting something that flowed so beautifully.  _Darkness_ , which was a collection of tall birch trees that rose from the floor near the corner closest to the elevator, was a concentrated forest at the base that extended into long needles that nearly touched the ceiling. He painted that one to help himself through a hard time, though Balthazar never elaborated further.  _Archangel_ rested on the wall separating the living area and kitchen, and that was merely a splash of color that became more dense towards the center in the very vague shape of a human being. It was almost horrifyingly beautiful, but Balthazar told him he saw it in a dream and left it at that. Then there was  _Jehovah_ resting on the floor between the bed and couch that looked to be done in charcoal but never seemed to rub off. This one was a simple painting containing a mesh of circles, hexagons, and triangles. Lu recognized it, but asked on the origin anyway. “Sacred Geometry,” Balthazar chuckled, “Some assholes out there believe that God created the universe with fucking math. A geometric plan, they say. I'll suppose that math is the only real universal language out there, but the actual fucked up thing about all of it is that I did that whole bitch free handed.”

Lu felt that there was a pattern to these, some deeper meaning that led the older man to paint them on his walls when he couldn't sleep, but he seemed to always get distracted by – the strawberry blonde grunted at the other man's hand suddenly down the front of his pants – well, that. Every time that it occurred to him that Balthazar never really talked much about himself aside from funny stories, something would distract him from the thought. Every time that things would get a bit too deep or too personal on the older man's side, something would happen. Usually that something was _Balthazar_.

So that just confused Lu more. What the fuck did Balthazar want? Not a one night stand, evidently. A fucking buddy went out the window when he met Lily and Lu became the forgotten third wheel half of the time. A relationship-... If that's what he wanted, then he wasn't being very open about himself. Maybe he thought it was too soon, but he probably just didn't know how soon it would be over. Which was as soon as Lu got up the balls to tell him to get out of his life, that he didn't need him, that his family was complete and perfect without him. Every single day those words seemed more and more like a massive lie and he hated himself for it. When this came crashing down – and it would – Lily would be in the crossfire. Why set up something that was going to hurt so much? Every beautiful day spent meant more and more pain to come. Why the fuck was he doing this to them?

“ _Luce_.” Balthazar purred in his ear and he remembered once again, _that's why_. The way he said his name. The way he looked at him, kissed him, laughed with him. The way he talked to Lily, the way the two could hang out for hours without noticing the time lapse. The way he promised breakfast if he would just stay one night, talked about his murals as if they weren't a part of him, listened to whatever nonsense Lu had to say, ready to do anything if it meant being with them. The way he _made_ time. The way he silently worried about small things. That _fucking way_ he said his name. Lu nearly sobbed against the man that could only be described as his lover and gripped hard at his shoulder.

Balthazar moved slowly from Lu's neck back to the man's mouth, sucking on his lips with every kiss. While that was slow, his hands certainly weren't and, for what felt like the hundredth time, the strawberry blonde was about to lose his mind because of this man.

“Wait,” he panted, removing his claws from the blonde's shoulder to position his palm at the base of his ribs. “Wait, wait.” It was all he could do to catch his breath before he could even elaborate.

But Balthazar, perfect as he is, had stopped on the first breathless pant and inched back far enough to give a worried look back. He didn't bother with asking questions yet, likely knowing that Lu couldn't do much in the way of answering anyway.

Finally, Lu opened his eyes, absently running his hand over the bicep that held the other man's half sleeve tattoo. He did love that one for some reason, but he mostly did it to calm Balthazar down and convince him that he had done nothing wrong. It seemed to work, as he immediately relaxed at the touch. “You're always making me lose my shit,” he finally said, watching the spark revive in those bright blue eyes.

Balthazar's lips twisted into a mischievous smirk and he shrugged. “I've gotten good reviews.”

“Don't I know it,” Lu purred in response, both hands finding the blonde's hips as he slowly walked Balthazar backwards. The other looked visibly confused, but never spoke on the off chance that this was going to be something good. Lu knew that the question of kinks was just on the tip of his tongue – which was another conversation they should probably have soon if this was going to continue – but he decided to speak up before the blonde could start trying to make guesses. “How come you don't ever get the chance to go crazy, too?”

At that, the Brit gave a chuckle, bright blues sparkling at the notion. “Oh, I _come_ crazier than you think, darling. You're usually so enraptured that I doubt you even hear the filthy things I breathe in your ear.” He smoothly looked the other man over, pausing a breath at the apparent bulge in his pants, before attempting to lean forward, probably to do just as he said.

But Lu held fast to his own senses for once, and pushed back until finally it was Balthazar that fell against a wall. The strawberry blonde approached slowly, feigning to go for the other man's lips just as he moved to that lovely neck at the last second, kissing over the blonde's jaw as slow as he liked. It wasn't often he was left in control. “I want to make you feel how I feel,” he all but growled into Balthazar's ear, listening to the other man try hard to stifle the deep whine. “I want to make you pant and moan and _beg_ , just like you do to me every single fucking time. I want to make you lose your goddamn mind.”

Balthazar shivered beneath his touch, making the other even more aroused at the thought as he began sucking at the neck offered to him. Lu's hands started to travel further south when almost the unthinkable happened. The blonde froze. Testing the waters, Lu casually ran his lips along the other man's neck up to his jawline, but it didn't change matters. Balthazar wasn't moving and seemed to have all but forgotten how to breathe. That's when Lu pulled away. “You don't want that.” He could have just said something. As if it would be an actual issue. “We don't have to-”

“No, no, no. I just-” The words seemed to pour out of Balthazar's mouth before coming to an abrupt halt as the blonde blinked at the floor. “I really don't have an explanation.”

“All right.” Lu felt that was plenty of an explanation. Yes, he definitely wanted to see Balthazar squirm and pant and beg until he couldn't think straight anymore, but he mostly wanted to do it as a sort of pay back for the last few weeks. After all, the blonde had been so good to him in the bedroom department. Lu fell into him again, leaning close to his lips. “What do you want, then?”

Unfortunately, it was quite clear that Balthazar had been knocked clear off balance by this turn around and even now couldn't seem to recover. His mouth moved in a silent answer against the other man's lips, but otherwise stayed silent as his entire being just seemed to stall. Finally, he answered, “Tea.”

… Did he mean teabagging or- “Tea.”

“I need some tea.” He grabbed Lu's shoulder and gently pushed the very confused man to the side before making a couple of quick strides to the kitchen. Either this was some seriously kinky shit or something kind of big just happened that Lu completely missed. “Would you like any?” the blonde called from the other room, not helping the confusion at all.

Now a bit off center himself, the dirty blonde gave a shifty look around the loft. “No?” Judging from the sounds in the kitchen – cabinets closing, pots hitting other pots, the clicking of the ancient gas stove – Lu highly doubted his answer was even heard. After a few tense seconds of just fucking standing there like a moron, he finally decided to slowly approach the kitchen after zipping his pants back up, honestly not entirely sure what he'd find.

What he did find should have been the expected picture. Kettle on the stove, a couple of mugs with teabags on the counter, Balthazar walking around and pretty much just making fucking tea. The blonde turned back to him. “Sugar?”

After a quick glance to the _two_ mugs on the counter, Lu began glancing around the kitchen for an explanation. “Uh, I-” Balthazar added sugar to both mugs. “Okay.”

All right, something just happened, that much was painfully obvious. To top it off, Lu felt absolutely _horrible_ about it. He obviously made Balthazar incredibly uncomfortable in his own home when they were supposed to be having fun and enjoying each other's company, in every sense of the phrase. But it's not like he would have known about something unless he was told about it. Was there some sort of trigger he just stepped on? Should he just fucking leave? Would it be best if he left? What they should do is have a talk about whatever the hell just happened, but that would have to wait until Balthazar was calm again.

From the looks of it, he wasn't. Lu felt like a giant piece of shit as he watched the other man lean forward against the counter, bowing his head and apparently waiting for the goddamn tea. He glanced from the kettle, to the mugs, to one of the paintings, and back to the blonde. “Balthazar?” The man turned back to him, the complete face of innocence written all over him. Lu didn't even know how to proceed, so he just glanced around the kitchen again.

Suddenly, Balthazar's face descended into a tense mess as he rubbed at his eyes, turning fully around and leaning his back against the counter. “I am so sorry,” he said, shaking his head, “I have no idea what happened. That's-” His hands flew in the air and he himself looked a bit worried about it. “I've never done that before.”

Lu blinked from the stove to the blonde. “Had the spontaneous urge to make tea?”

“No, no. Just... freezing. Just- I don't know.” He shook his head again, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I truly am so sorry about that.”

That much, Lu had no doubt, but he stayed quiet for another pause before deciding to ask the big question. “Is there something you need to talk about?”

Again, Balthazar shook his head and gave a long sigh, allowing both of his hands to rest behind him on the edge of the counter. “Nothing happened, if that's what you're wondering. I really just- I don't know.”

Lu tried waiting through the pause, but it didn't seem like it was going to end. No, there was something more to this and words needed to be spoken. Was Balthazar just not comfortable talking about something like that to him? That kind of stung, despite how badly he wouldn't admit it. “Did I do something wrong?” This is kind of a thing he needed to know.

“No! No. God, no. No.” Balthazar waved a hand, shook his head, all in the negative. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. I- I just truly never did that before. And I've done some kinky shit. I don't know why I-” He paused again, hands going back to his eyes and groaning in frustration. “I'm a mess. I'm sorry. It's me. You didn't do anything, Lu.”

Several things about all that made him frown. First off, he was pretty sure Balthazar knew exactly what happened and wasn't telling him for some reason. It wasn't that he was offended, but he did think they were a little closer than that. Then again, Balthazar never liked to really talk about himself anyway. Secondly, he called him _Lu_. The nickname _Luce_ had traveled out of the bedroom, being used whenever there was even a semblance of an intimate or happy moment. So, yes, he was definitely being guarded right now. Whether or not he was lying about Lu doing something wrong, he couldn't tell.

Lu shouldn't feel much of anything about all of this, but he did. After all, he was the one trying to find a way to break up. Now Balthazar was shielding himself from him, and all Lu wanted to do was rip open those walls and make sure that the Balthazar that was deep in there was actually okay. He wouldn't say, wouldn't admit it or even think on it for long, but some of the context behind the murals had given him worry. This didn't help things.

A strong silence had fallen over the kitchen that Lu hadn't noticed before and regretted now. “We should-” He had to pause and clear his throat. “Maybe we should talk about what both of us are comfortable with, since we seem to be... having sex.” He couldn't find a good enough phrase for that last bit. Now everything seemed infinitely more awkward.

But Balthazar sighed in resignation and shook his head. “I'm usually comfortable with anything,” he said again, this time quietly as blue eyes roamed over the tiled floor, “I don't know what that was.”

Maybe he couldn't rip down the walls, but gently brushing against them might not be a bad idea. Lu reminded himself that this relationship wasn't going to even last through the rest of the week and there was absolutely no point in doing this, even as he slowly approached Balthazar. His steps were sure and measured and it looked like the blonde hardly even noticed him getting any closer. Still, Lu kept an eye out for anything tense, but the other man stayed so relaxed that the dirty blonde man stopped just short of touching him, hands on either sides of his hips and resting on the counter. “Are you okay?” The question was quiet and sincere and serious as a heart attack. He needed to know that Lu was serious.

“I'm fine, like I said. I just-” Then he looked up to him, voice dropping off into nothing as his bright blue eyes slowly melted into something that was finally honest. Like a shot, Balthazar suddenly straightened up, putting his hands on Lu's sides and looking so terribly worried that it threatened to break Lu's heart. Why was _he_ worried? “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm all right, Luce. Honestly.” But he wasn't. He was tense again, hands fumbling against him and – dare he believe – lightly shaking. Suddenly, for some reason, Balthazar was uncomfortable with the close proximity. Why couldn't he just _talk_ to him?

Lu backed off, as was silently bid of him. Now everything seemed like a landmine and Balthazar didn't even want to trace out a map of where to safely tread. When did all this happen? “You're sure?” Maybe this was never a relationship. Maybe Lu really was just the most recent fuck buddy to come around. If it were a relationship, wouldn't Balthazar be even a little honest with him about something like this, a hurt that he could possibly cause? Instead, it felt like Balthazar was too polite to tell him to get the hell out of his place. This should have ended a long time ago.

“I'm positive, Luce.” Balthazar shifted against the counter, using that nickname again as if he were forcing it to salvage the situation. “I just- I don't know.”

The kettle whistled, drawing both of their attentions away from whatever this is. Balthazar gasped like he was trying to catch his breath before pushing off the counter and grabbing the noisy thing. All the while, Lu chewed his lip, trying to think. “Do you-” The blonde poured up both mugs, making the question of _Do you want me to leave?_ catch in his throat. Is that why he ignored his answer earlier? Did he do that on purpose?

Balthazar finished up and sat the kettle down on a cool eye of the stove, glancing to Lu as he stirred his own mug. “Do I-...?”

He wanted him to stay? God, he couldn't tell anymore. “Nothing. Never mind.” Now he was lying, too. Lu walked forward and took the remaining mug, playing with the little teabag as he moved over to the small table and sat down. He needed to process some of this.

It seemed another century before Balthazar mumbled, “Sorry,” before walking over and sitting down across from him.

“It's not you. It's not your fault.” Lu shook his head, reciting what he was told just a few minutes ago. “I'm just... confused... right now.”

“I-...” Balthazar watched his mug and scratched at his neck, making Lu wonder if he had even spoken up in the first place. “I wasn't uncomfortable or anything,” he finally said, getting that little red tinge back that Lu had grown to love so much. “It's not that I'm not used to not being in control either. It's not really a sex thing. I just-...” And here his voice got so low that Lu wondered if he was supposed to hear it at all. “-don't like feeling so vulnerable.”

Didn't like feeling vulnerable? Welcome to his world! But Lu bit the remark back, recalling again how little Balthazar seemed to share. It irritated him on some level, but at least he understood the hesitation now. “I make you feel vulnerable?” Not to mention he felt vulnerable in a bad way. He didn't want Lu to see him open like that, but he just said he did that sort of things with others so- Why the fuck were they doing this dating thing again?

Balthazar looked at him in what was obviously fear. “No, not- I mean, not all the- Ugh!” His head fell in his hands, and Lu's mood once again did a one-eighty. The blonde was  _ trying _ , so there was that much. “I don't know  _ why _ I feel like that,” he went on, blurting everything out while staring at his tea, “I don't with anyone else, but most people don't exactly try to get this close either and now you're trying to and I just don't seem to know what the hell to do with myself.”

Oh. So he was wrong. This was  _ never  _ about sex. Lu didn't know how he wanted to feel about it, but something close to relief settled in him as his shoulders sagged. Did that mean whatever that hung between them was real? That should scare the fuck out of him but it didn't. It would when he would be alone at two in the morning, though. “When was your last relationship... if you don't mind me asking?”

Balthazar shrugged, scratching at something on the table that wasn't there. “My last fling was with a woman named Bela a couple of years ago, but that was nothing but mutual physical contact. Then there was this bloke when I lived outside of Bristol, but that was years ago and ended about the same way a space shuttle might crash.”

Lu frowned. “What happened?”

“To sum up, he dumped me,” he said evenly, calmly, assuring Lu that he might be over the guy but not entirely over the incident. “But I was fucked up back then.”

That set off warning bells. “Fucked up?” Drugs, presumably, but Balthazar didn't seem to be into anything like that now. Lu hung out with that crowd once, even the serious users. Even though he never touched the stuff, he knew the tell tale signs.

“Just a general lunatic. People said it was too much stress.” He shrugged again. “I'm not like that anymore, but I still don't care too much for sharing.”

Lu glanced into the living area, getting a good view of  _ Spineless _ over the other man's shoulder. “Why?” That felt like a loaded question even to him.

“I just don't like getting too personal.” The blonde stopped picking at the spot and just turned his head to stare at the wall.

What did he want to do then? A relationship was what they seemed to have, but was that what he wanted? Lu suddenly felt like he was willing to be flexible, and he considered it while stirring the drink with the teabag. “Which lines should I not cross, then?” He took a sip of the hot liquid, letting it sear down his throat, before looking back to the other man. Balthazar seemed to stare at the wall in shock, but eventually turned to look at him. Lu shrugged this time. “I don't want to do something you're not comfortable with. I mean, I wish you did feel better about telling me stuff, but I'm not going to wring it out of you either. We can go as slow as you want.”

It took a moment for that to register with either of them and Lu wanted to bite off his tongue. Go slow? That implied that they were at least going steady. And maybe they fucking were, but they shouldn't be. Balthazar literally just told him that a past relationship ended horribly. This wasn't a good fucking idea at all.

But Balthazar was still staring at him with just that utter look of wonder and shock in his eyes and Lu suddenly had no intention of taking back the statement. “Okay,” was the only muttered answer he received, and suddenly things felt way too personal for both of them.

“Since I'm here,” Lu began, taking another drink from his tea, trying to be casual and steer away from the topic, “What can you tell me about that one above the cabinets?”

It took a long moment before Balthazar even blinked and looked up to the painted sparrows flying between his cabinets and the ceiling. “Ah.” He cleared his throat and almost chuckled. “That one's kind of gross. I doubt you'd like it.”

“I have a five year old daughter,” Lu deadpanned, “Nothing is gross anymore.”

Balthazar chuckled again a little more heartily, before scratching his head and looking at the forgotten tea in front of him. “I travel a lot,” he began, “and once I was gone for two weeks visiting relatives in France. When I got back, I realized that I had left a window open just large enough for a couple of damn birds to get in here and make a nest.”

Lu chocked on the tea. “Are you serious?”

The other man laughed, relaxing more and more at every word. “They had it right up there in the corner,” he pointed on the side of the kitchen near the door, right on top of the cabinets, “By the time I was able scramble up there with those things dive bombing me, I realized there were four fucking eggs in it... I tried, but I didn't have the heart to tear it down and throw it out.”

“You left it...” A bird nest in the house. Absolutely not.

“Oh, it was hell, Luce. I had to get a new TV.” Still, his eyes were filled with joy again as his fingers combed through his hair. “Just got worse when the damn things hatched. They were so fucking loud. And I had to leave all the windows open for the parents to get food. That was the hottest summer of my life.”

Lu covered his mouth to keep from laughing. This was ridiculous. “What happened?”

“They grew their wings and took off,” Balthazar laughed, “but it still took some time before they stopped coming back to the nest every night. When they did, I finally took it down and rented a steam cleaner.”

That seemed to be all it took. The strawberry blonde started laughing, imagining Balthazar grumbling about bird shit as he Cloroxed every inch of the loft. When he looked back to him, the older man was watching him laugh, their earlier conversation completely forgotten as he seemed to just glow with happiness from the moment. “I'm surprised you painted them up there,” he said, trying to ignore that perfect moment, “I would have wanted to forget that nightmare.”

Balthazar's smile grew. “I thought I would, too,” he looked up to the birds, the two bigger parents with four little ones trailing behind, all of them in flight. “But I came to realize at some point that I missed them. So, in a way, I kept them.”

“I'll get you a birdcage next time.”

Balthazar laughed again, but his hand suddenly found Lu's resting on the table in front of him. “I mean it. I'm sorry about before.” At least he seemed a lot less anxious now.

“It's all right, I said,” Lu entwined their fingers, ignoring that voice that wouldn't stop nagging about the length of this relationship. “Happens to everyone at some point.”

“Still, I told you about one of my paintings. Now I feel that something's owed.” Lu could take one look at him and tell he was joking, and he definitely wanted to stress that Balthazar owed him nothing, but he felt like the older man meant that the other way around. If he was okay with it, Lu didn't mind one bit.

“You're probably the only one I like paying my debts to,” he said, earning a chuckle just like he wanted, “but I don't want earlier to be construed either. I would like to hold you down and do what I want, but I really love it when you get all demanding, too.”

Balthazar rose from his seat, the untouched tea completely forgotten while Lu had polished his off. “So,” he said, never letting go of Lu's hand as he came to stand close beside him, “What do you want, love?”

That was another nickname he liked. “Like I said,” he stood to face him, standing just a few inches taller, “Whatever  _ you _ want.”

The blonde growled and the mood snapped back like a cut rubber band. “There's plenty of things that  _ I  _ want.”

As he moved forward, Lu moved back with a little smirk, causing confusion to cross that beautiful face. “You didn't tell me the name of the painting.”

Balthazar smiled and laughed darkly, somehow entrancing the dirty blonde into never looking away. Then, those blue eyes suddenly had a deep spark of sincerity to them. “ _ My Family _ .”

* * *

Dean had made dinner tonight and it looked absolutely delicious. Grilled salmon steak and sweet potato fries, and the steak had some sort of sauce on it that made Cas want to lick the plate.

The Winchester sat it in front of him on the table, making his boyfriend want to drool. “By the way,” Dean began, “just so you know, this is kind of an apology for freaking out at Burger King in front of all those people a few weeks ago.”

“I'm not sure why you did that, but it's okay,” Cas said, eying the steak and trying to pick where his first bite would be.

“Yeah, uh.” Dean coughed, sitting down. “I'm not sure either.”

The Novak gave a reassuring smile and picked up his fork... when his phone rang. They both looked at it, buzzing away on the table and singing the opening of Journey's  _ Faithfully _ like it meant to be invading.

Dean sighed and put his fork down. “You know it's him.”

“I know.” Cas frowned, watching the phone for another second before grabbing it. “I'm sorry. He's needy.” With a nod from his boyfriend, he answered the phone with a clear conscious. “Good evening, Balthazar.”

“ _Cassie_.”

He waited for more to no avail. “Yes?”

“ _I'm in love with him._ ”

“I know,” Cas easily answered, nibbling on a fry. It only occurred to him during the very long silence that that probably wasn't the best response. “Um, I mean... Really? You sure?” The silence wore on.

Finally, it rang out so loud, Dean could hear it loud and clear. “ _ THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU KNOW!? _ ”

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be strictly adorable and then it turned a little bit angsty. Ugh.

He had been in love with Lu for awhile. At what point he actually fell for the other man, Balthazar couldn't say, but he could say the exact moment he realized it. He had been afraid when Lu pushed him against the wall. So much so, he panicked. It wasn't a fear of the other man, of course. There was just something about the moment. What Lu offered was the same thing he admittedly had been dreaming about for the past few weeks, but he knew himself far too well. He would get caught up in it, completely lose himself just like that wonderful man had wanted, and he would say something in the throes of passion that he would quickly live to regret. It was that fear of losing him over the simple fucking truth that drove him to face it.

Now that he had, the dream was quickly beginning to collapse, and all Balthazar could do was just watch. Lu wanted in – and he sure as hell realized that he was being kept out – but once he was in, how would he react? He didn't have the greatest past, but neither did Luce and the man had his feet firmly on the ground. Something told Balthazar that he would understand. It wasn't about the past, though. It was the present. It was how he felt. He couldn't stop thinking about it because such a large part of him needed Luce to know at all cost but he can't know. As soon as Balthazar said something, it would be over. They might remain friends, but never anything further. Lu's family was perfect without him and, while he loved them both so dearly, the thought hurt far too much. The last thing he needed was to hear it from the man he loved.

Since their last tryst, Balthazar stayed busy, trying hard to keep his mind away from it. He worked a good ten hours the next day and even brought home work to do late into the night. His sleeping pattern had gotten much better lately – even before he started seeing Lu – so he was pleasantly surprised to find that he had fallen asleep on a mound of sketches in his bed the next morning.

After fixing up everything he may or may not have drooled on, he quickly had breakfast, debated going out, nixed the idea, and sat to work trying  _again_ to connect his TV to the new DVD player he had bought something like a month ago. Art he understood. Hardware? Forget it. Maybe he mastered the copy machine at work, but the damn thing didn't have this many wires.

It was then his phone began to ring, but Balthazar was so focused on the task – laying on his back with just his legs sticking out from behind the TV – that he merely grabbed for the phone after a few tries and answered without looking at the ID. “Hello?” He figured it would either be someone at the shop or another damn marketer.

“ _Balthazar?_ ” It was neither. “ _I'm really sorry about this. Are you really busy right now?_ ”

The blonde blinked up at the different colored wires hanging deftly in his hands. “No. No, not really, Luce. Is there a problem? Are you all right?” He sounded a bit worried.

“ _I'm fine. I'm fine_ ,” he thankfully clarified, “ _I just- The bank called earlier and I have to run down there and it'll probably for a few hours or something, but it's nothing major. I already had my game plan set up months ago. The money issue is fine. It's not that. It's just that it's going to be for like three hours minimum and they'll probably want me to stay there the whole time and Gabriel's working today and Sam is doing his damn grad school thing and Dean is out on location God knows where and Cas is at a meeting like the next state over and Mikey is just plain not answering his phone – I think his girlfriend is some sort of succubus or something, man, but that's later – and I literally have no one else right now, but if you're busy then it's totally fine. I understand. I mean, we can cope, it's okay. It's not like the end of the world of something. So it's fine. I just hate having to ask you in the first place, but Lily mentioned you earlier and I figured that I might as well try, but I don't know. I mean, it's okay if you're busy or you just plain don't want to. It's cool. I understand._ ”

“Luce, sweetheart, for the love of God, slow down” That was a lot to process at once and Balthazar just blindly blinked at the chords, trying to follow where this was meant to go. “I'd love to help, darling, but what on Earth is the actual favor?”

“ _Can you... watch Lily while I handle this..._ ” Balthazar stared at the space in front of him, unmoving. “ _It's okay if you can't. It's absolutely okay. Even if you don't want to, it's fine. You don't even have to give me a reason. I mean, we're good. They'll probably give her a sucker or something to chew on, I don't know. We'll be fine, you know. Just don't worry about it. We're good._ ”

Finally, he blinked himself back into the present. “Luce, Luce. It's okay. I don't mind. You just... haven't asked me before.” The fact that he was the only option left was horribly noted, though. Maybe if he made a good impression, he wouldn't have to be last anymore... But didn't he already make a good impression? He thought Lily liked him just fine. Was he wrong? Did Lu not like him around his daughter? Yeah, they were banging, but not in front of the child, good lord.

“ _Really? Are you sure? It's okay if you_ -”

“I'm sure, Luce.” Balthazar disentangled himself from the cables, sitting up. “It's not a problem at all. We can watch a movie or play a game or... whatever she'd like to do, I suppose. I wasn't really doing anything today, anyway.” Lily would also be a great distraction... or a God awful reminder. One of the two.

“ _Okay... Okay, yeah. Okay. I'm so sorry about this being short notice._ ”

“Don't worry about it, Luce. It's all right, really.”

“ _Okay... Okay! We'll be there soon. I'm sorry, bye!_ ”

The line disconnected, likely before Balthazar had the chance to tell him no. Pff, like he actually would. During the last few weeks or so he had seen Lily a hand full of times and they always seemed to have a nice time. This would just be their first time hanging out unsupervised... He had to forget that he was the last choice for this.

Standing up in a huff, Balthazar just put all the wires he was dealing with back in wherever the hell they were behind the TV before pushing the flat screen back against the wall again. Then he quickly set about doing a little tidying up, not that his place needed it. The only time a mess was ever made was when Lu came over and they knocked a drink or picture or vase or standing lamp over in their excitement. It was only after he smoothed out the sheets that he wondered what on Earth he and Lily could do for a few hours. Maybe he could take her to a movie or something. She'd kill for something like that.

Just as he was thinking a theater trip through, a quick knock sounded on his door that was far too soon to be Lu. Yet, when the door opened, the man of his affections stood there looking as haggard and sorry as possible with his daughter on one hip who grew a big smile at seeing her buddy. “Balthazar!”

Well at least one of them looked happy to see him. “Hello, darling,” Balthazar greeted, stepping aside for them to come in. “I hope you aren't actually surprised to see me.”

“Daddy said we were going to visit you last week but we went to the dentist instead,” she explained with a twisted face as her father walked on in.

“You wouldn't get in the car otherwise,” Lu groaned, “and I told you when we were halfway there. _And_ I gave you ice cream after.”

As her father put her down and Balthazar cheerfully closed the door, she looked up to him. “You shouldn't lie to little girls, daddy.”

“And you need to stop spending so much time with Uncle Gabe,” he grumbled back, ruffling the top of her hair over the two neatly done braids.

She giggled and turned to Balthazar. “Are we gonna visit?”

“That's the idea, little one,” he smiled back, crouching down to her height. She seemed to like someone getting on her level for a change, so he did it when he got the chance. “I don't know what we can do, but we'll figure something out. Your dad has some adult something and other to go handle somewhere.”

Lily nodded in confirmation. “He said it's boring, so he took me here instead. Daddy says it's never boring here.”

“Okay!” Lu stood up straighter, clapping his hands together. “I should go.”

With a chuckle, Balthazar stood up again. “If you get too bored, love, just call us.”

“Funny,” Lu grumbled, kissing his daughter on the forehead. “I love you, okay? I won't be ridiculously long, I promise.”

“I love you, too, daddy,” she replied, leaning up to give him a hug.

After a deep breath, he peeled away from her, seemingly happy that she was all right with staying here before approaching Balthazar. “She just ate, so she should be fine,” Lu began, “Everyone says she's good when I'm gone, but you're still kind of new so don't let her flip out or something. If she does something wrong, a stern voice goes way further than a firm hand. Hurt her feelings and she'll never do it again. Just don't give in to those damn eyes. For the love of God, don't give her soda. You'll pull all your hair out. And don't let her near any flame once or ever. This one's a pyro, I promise you. Oh, and if you have literally any cartoon like thing known to man, I don't care if it's Howard the Duck, just put that on and she'll love it. Just distract her at the bad parts.”

“Like the entire movie,” Balthazar nodded, clapping Luce on the shoulder, “We'll be fine, daddy.”

“Please, don't call me daddy.”

“We'll be fine, love,” he repeated with a laugh, lightly leaning in to peck the dirty blonde on the lips like it was the most natural thing in the world. For the last few glorious weeks, it had been. “Go do whatever boring thing it is you need to do and we'll be here when you're done.”

After another deep breath, Lu nodded. “All right. Call me or text me or something if you need absolutely anything. I'll be right there, I swear.” He continued even as Balthazar steered him to the door. “Okay, I'll see you both soon. Bye, Lil' Bit!”

“Bye, daddy!” she called from behind Balthazar.

“Okay,” Lu said one more time, kissed Balthazar again (presumably for luck), and finally headed out with another final, “I'll be back soon.”

Finally, the door had closed and Lu repeated his farewells a hundred times over. With that done, Balthazar turned back to Lily who... had her head tilted to the side, staring at him curiously. He blinked. “What is it, darling?”

She stared at him for a moment before shrugging with some 'I-Don't-Know' type of sound, before looking around the loft. “What are we gonna d-” Lily quickly spotted _Aries_ on the wall. Her eyes went big first, then a smile rose to her face and she squealed, “That's so pretty!”

Of course it had to be the same one Luce saw the first time. Dammit, she wasn't going to be a good distraction at all. Never mind that he still felt on high as if Lu was still with him. He supposed that, in a way, he was. Balthazar approached the faux nebula, getting a bit of pride out of the way her eyes were lit up and her heads padded over what she could reach. “I painted that a while ago,” he explained, “Took me an entire night to do. I called it _Aries_.”

Before he was even done, her big eyes turned to him. “You drew this?”

“Painted, drew,” he shrugged, feeling his ego soar, “same thing.”

Lily gasped, looking up at the yellows and greens again before something caught her sight out of the corner of her eye. “What's that? The trees are so pretty!”

“That's _Darkness_ ,” he chuckled, following along beside her.

Every time he explained that he was the one that painted whatever mural she had pointed out next, her eyes grew alight with wonder and astonishment. Then, of course, they had to go through every single piece in his loft, even the ones Lu hadn't gotten to. She liked _Aries_ a lot, but her favorites by far were the ones featuring animals or lots of colors. Every one she passed by was “the prettiest” for the moment, but she seemed to like his sparrows the most since he had to put her on his shoulders so she could see them better. In her insightful opinion, she liked it because it was happy, but didn't know whether or not to believe him when he told her the back story.

Finally, after going through the whole loft in about ten minutes, she scrambled on to the end of Balthazar's bed to give _Archangel_ a hard stare. He sat down beside her. “It is kind of creepy, huh?”

“Angels don't look like that,” she told him again after the first time they had come across it. “You said that one did, though. When did you see it?”

He sighed and drew his legs up, crossing them indian style as he thought about the answer. “A long time ago.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere.”

She stared at it for another drawn out moment. “Is it real?”

“No, darling,” Balthazar lightly chuckled. “That was a long, long time ago. What I painted there was just a really old memory.”

“Oh...” She stared at it longer, to the point where Balthazar feared he might have scared the poor girl until she finally asked something that terrified _him_. “Why'd you kiss daddy?”

They had been alone in the loft for about ten to fifteen minutes and she only now brings this up. He balked. “Wh- What?”

“Cas and Mr. Dean kiss,” she explained, still watching _Archangel_ , “but they're boyfriends. But you're not boyfriends with daddy. He's daddy and you don't live with us.” His entire life was crumbling before his eyes as she looked up to him oh so innocently, “Why'd you kiss then?”

Had he not- He didn't _tell_ her? He didn't _explain_? Lu didn't tell her _anything_ that was going on between them? He didn't tell his own _daughter_? Maybe he thought she was too young for that sort of talk. Maybe he thought she wouldn't understand. Maybe he was ashamed of him. Maybe he was keeping it a secret. _You're not boyfriends. You don't live with us._ “I- I don't know.” She didn't meant to be hurtful. Balthazar was still trying to decide if it even did hurt him or not, despite how badly it scared him.

Lily's little brow furrowed. “You don't know? Daddy says I shouldn't kiss boys. Why does he get to?”

Oh God, he wasn't going to make it. “I don't- Lily, I don't know what we- It's complicated, sweety.”

“Complicated?” She gave a big pout, indicating clearly that she had heard that one before.

“I think you should ask your dad about it.” That was the best possible answer he could give.

Still, she didn't look thrilled about it. “Oh...” Lily pouted for another moment. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I- I'm fine.” He cleared his throat, hoping and praying that her little question didn't come back around on him. Instead, Balthazar played with his fingers. “What if I... was his boyfriend?” God, this was awkward as hell.

“You're not. Boyfriends live together,” she explained simply. That must have been how Dean and Cas were explained to her.

Balthazar blinked. “Oh... Well, what if we... didn't live together but still... acted like Dean and Cas did... with each other?” Not that he had seen Dean in the last few months.

She stared back at him, probably trying to process that convoluted question before saying, “But he's daddy.”

“... So?”

“Daddy can't have a boyfriend. He's daddy.” As if that alone made sense. “He's got me.”

His heart was totally not being ripped to shreds right now. “Some-” He cleared his throat. “Some people like having more people in their family. Their, um... close family, I mean. Living with them or... I don't know, kissing or something.”

“Yeah, but not daddy.” _But not daddy_. Okay. No, that's okay. Maybe they got along fine as friends, but as far as sharing her father went- That's okay, though. That's perfectly normal. “He said so.” Wait.

“Wha- What do you mean he said so?”

“He said so,” she shrugged. “Daddy said that mother isn't here, and he's not going to get a boyfriend or girlfriend cause he's got me and I'm all he needs.”

Whoa, what the fuck? Balthazar stared at her, trying to figure out what to pick at first. “Mother?” Not mom or mommy or mama. No. _Mother_. He had never asked about the missing woman, but he didn't this was how it would come up.

Lily nodded and said just as matter of fact as she had through the whole conversation. “She left a long time ago.”

Well, that explained that. “Uhh...” He tried to find another thread to grab and quickly. “That's... all he said about it? The boyfriend bit, I mean. He just said he wouldn't be with anyone?”

She nodded again. “I asked why I don't have a mommy and that's what he said. I know that mother's not here, but I wanted a mommy anyway. He said that we were all we needed.”

“Oh...”

They stared at each other as another silence passed before she asked again, “So, why'd you kiss?”

“I- I don't know.” He cleared his throat another time, looking away and giving himself a deep breath. “Ask your dad.”

“Okay,” Lily sighed, turning back to _Archangel_. Any conversation of her mom didn't seem to phase her one bit and Balthazar was happy about that much. “You drew that on your wall?”

He nodded and just tried to breathe. “Yes,” the blonde answered again, far more put out than when she first arrived.

“Can you draw on my wall, too?” Balthazar turned back to her, doubting that Lu would allow that for several reasons, all of which included his rent and several probably included that he just didn't want him in their home. God, when did he start feeling like this? He needed to pull out of it. But at least Lily wanted his art at all. “They're a funny pink color and I don't have posters or anything.”

He smiled sadly at her grumblings. “You'll have to ask your father about that, too, dear. If he says it's okay, I'll paint whatever you like.”

“Really?” She perked straight up at that, eyes going bright again, “Anything?”

“Anything you want.”

She lunged at him, tackling his waist in a hug. “Thank you! It'll be so pretty! I can't wa-” She gasped again, catching sight of his arm. “You got tattoos?”

“What?” She hadn't seen them before? “Of course, dear. I enjoy them, too.”

“Let me see!”

She poked at his half sleeve tattoo for half an hour, chattering endlessly about what she wanted on her wall while his mood slowly picked back up. If nothing else, at least Lily approved of him in some way and that, for the moment, seemed like the most important thing.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one weekend. I'm on fire.

After dealing with the assholes at the bank for three and a half hours, Lu finally made it back to a tired Balthazar and excited Lily. Both still seemed happy with the others presence, so his fears of this being way too soon for them to be alone with each other had thankfully been squashed. He shouldn't have been surprised when the girl had started to excitedly ask if Balthazar could paint something in her room and since he was on the spot and the landlord did say they could paint the walls whatever they wanted, he said yes, much to her squealing. Balthazar seemed more than compliant to her little demands, so it had all worked out.

Yet, there was something hanging in the air between them all. Something unsaid and nervous that wasn't there before. Lu probably would've brushed the feeling off if Balthazar didn't have the defeated look of sadness in his eyes, but the blonde directed away any sneaky questions Lu could think up and neither of them wanted to have the discussion with Lily there. Whatever it was couldn't have been terrible, so he decided to call Balthazar whenever he got the chance later and promptly just forgot that the situation ever happened in the first place.

Until he was putting Lily to bed. “Why'd you kiss Balthazar?”

He still held the end of her little pink and orange blankets, just lightly hovering over her and stalling in the process of tucking her in as the question slowly washed over him. “What?” Had- Had they kissed in front of her? Maybe they- No, they must have. When he left her at his place and when he picked her up. They must have given each other a peck or two at some point. He vaguely remembered something like that... The fact it felt so natural was scaring him a bit more than her question was, which she quickly repeated.

“Why'd you kiss Balthazar?”

“I... Uh...” Lu pulled the blankets over her and sat down on the edge of her bed. “Well, I... guess we've been... really good friends lately.” No, don't tell her that. “Like really good _adult_ friends. Like- Like better than-...” She sat up. “Just really good friends.”

Lily stared at him, eyes narrowing almost suspiciously. “Friends kiss?”

He did not want to get calls from the local school board about Lily's kissing problem this August. “No. No, not regular friends. Just... when they're... dating.”

“Like boyfriends?”

“... Umm-”

“Is Balthazar your boyfriend?”

“I-” He scratched the back of his head. “No? No. No, we're not boyfriends. We're like... somewhere between friends and boyfriends.” She stared at him and Lu really didn't know what else to offer. “You'll understand when you're older, Lil. It's just complicated.”

“Complicated?” She gave the same pout she usually did when that word came up as an explanation. “But that's what Balthazar said. He told me to ask you.”

But that's what- But that's- “You asked Balthazar?”

She nodded, looking for all the world like she had been frustrated about this all day and folded her little arms over her chest. “He said he didn't know and that it was complicated and that I should ask you.”

Okay, it was clear that they should very soon all get together and have one big family talk about this... Or, um, a family plus Balthazar talk about this. Because they aren't  _boyfriends_ . They were hardly even dating. Mostly just hanging out and randomly having sex sometimes. Was that a relationship? No. No, it wasn't. Was it?

His mind had been going back several times to Balthazar's panic induced tea episode and the moment he admitted that Lu was getting too close. Closer than others. He just couldn't figure out if he should back off or stay where he was, because going further was definitely not the answer. Right? Right, it wasn't. It would just end horribly.

“Daddy.” Her annoyed voice rang through loud and clear, making Lu blink back to the present just as she continued. “If you're not boyfriends and you're not friends, then what are you? How come you can kiss him? Do you want to be boyfriends? You said you won't.”

Where the hell were all these deep ass questions coming from? He wasn't ready for this third degree shit! “It's complicated, baby,” he said again, almost in a whine. “I don't know what we are, okay? But we aren't boyfriends.”

“Why not?”

“Because. We just aren't.”

“Why, though?” If her brow knitted together anymore, she would end up with a permanent uni-brow.

“We just aren't, baby. I don't know what else to say.”

It was quite clear that she was very unhappy with that answer. Lu wondered if she'd burst a blood vessel just from staring at him like that. It honestly looked like a tantrum was about to occur. “Is it because of mother?”

That shocked him. “What?” Where in the hell did she get that from? Did Balthazar tell her something? “It has nothing to do with her. Why would you think that?”

“You said mother's not here and we were all we needed. You said you wouldn't get a boyfriend or girlfriend because you had me. Is that why you can't be boyfriends with Balthazar?”

Oh God, where was all this coming from? She was fine literally twenty minutes ago. “It's not that I  _can't_ , baby. I can find a boyfriend or girlfriend whenever I wanted. I just don't think it's a good idea.”

The irritation drained from her in a heartbeat and the look of confusion reappeared on her face. “Why?”

No, not the  _why_ again. “I just don't,” Lu sighed, but knew that wouldn't be enough to appease her, “You and I have each other, right? Getting someone else would just make things complicated, especially if I broke up with whoever I was dating.”

“Broke up?” The words seemed to confuse her. Rightfully so, honestly. The only couple she really ever knew was Dean and Cas.

“Like-,” Lu thought about it, waving his hand. “Like me and your mother.” No, that was a horrible example. “Or like Uncle Mikey and all the girls he dates. He has break ups all the time and some are worse than others.”

Lily stared at him, still looking confused. “But mother left. We see Uncle Mikey's girlfriends sometimes, but not mother.” Which was true. Lily knew some of the ones that lasted the longest and, if they bumped into one somewhere in town, it was quite clear that they happily remembered her. Her mother on the other hand...

“Some break ups are worse than others. Me and your mother had a really bad one. I don't want us to go through that again.” Not that her leaving was the actual break up. Things had run the course before he even found out she was pregnant. Still, it had stung more so for Lily's sake than his. “It's just easier if I don't get a boyfriend at all... Or a girlfriend.”

She pouted, sadness and shock written all over her. And it was a  _real_ pout, not one of those fake things when she didn't get her way. “Balthazar would  _leave_ ?”

Again, where the fuck was she getting this shit from? But he had to focus on answering this damn question. If he said yes, she would start crying and wouldn't stop until Balthazar was in biting range and then there would be blood. If he said no and Balthazar did leave, Lu would be the one that she placed the blame with... and it probably would end up being his fault anyway. “I don't know what would happen, Lily. If me and Balthazar dated, I don't even know if we would break up. All I know is that a break up is possible with any relationship like that and I don't want us to go through something that's so avoidable. If we don't date, then we won't break up and everything will just stay like it is right now.”

She still looked sad about it, though. “But you kissed,” Lily said again and all Lu could do was nod. “And you're not boyfriends.” He nodded again. “And you're not going to be boyfriends.” He nodded. “So why did you kiss him?”

Lu's head fell in his hands. “I don't know anymore, Lily.”

The room fell silent for a second as Lu thought of a way out of this conversation and Lily thought of some way to get more answers. “Do you  _want_ to be boyfriends?”

“I just said,” he sighed again, his patience beginning to wane, “It's not a good idea for us to date.”

She nodded. “I know. You said you might break up and you might not, but if you didn't break up would you  _want_ to be boyfriends?”

“No.” It came out of his mouth before he could even think on the question, wanting to claw his way out of the room and away from this conversation. But the expression of more confusion and a little pain crossed her face, then he realized exactly what he had said.

Lu stood before he allowed himself a moment to think and kissed her on the top of the head. “It's time for bed, Lil.”

“Don't you like him?”

He pulled away just far enough to give her a stern look. “Good night.”

Lily stared back at him, trying hard to be defiant, but ultimately grabbed up her little blankets and fell back into bed again, facing away from him.

Lu tucked away the hair from her face and kissed her one more time on the temple. “I love you,” he said, finally straightening up, “I'll see you tomorrow.”

He was walking away, hand over her light switch, when she got up the nerve to say, “ _I_ like him.”

After a breath of hesitation, Lu cut the light off and pulled the door to him just enough to leave a crack for the hall light.

* * *

After a few days had passed and the conversation didn't come up again, Lu finally called up Balthazar on a day that just so happened to be one where neither of them would be working. During the few weeks of getting to know the blonde's loft, he had learned the man's work schedule.

Though, it was as he stood to answer the knock at the door that he wondered at what Lily's reaction would be. They hadn't talked anymore about the weird relationship the two men shared and the girl had pouted herself through most of the next day because of it. Perhaps they should have talked, but Lu just didn't want to. He didn't want to bring it up again. Didn't want to think about it. Especially after what he said. But he  _didn't_ want a relationship with him. That was why he was trying to figure out how to break things off. He told her the truth. So why did it hurt so much?

All thought of the offending topic ceased when he opened the door and was greeted with a smile. “I can already tell, you have a lovely place,” Balthazar joked, never looking away from him.

Lu rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the laugh. “Good morning to you, too.”

“Well close the door again if you want a do-over,” the blonde smiled. “I've got a lot of cheesy lines I've been waiting to use for this.”

“Just get in here,” Lu laughed again, tugging on Balthazar's shirt and belatedly realizing he had brought a laptop along.

“I figured you'd say something like that,” he said, following quite willingly.

Lu kissed him as soon as he was in reach, once again not even thinking on it first, but it was much more than the little chaste things they had shared last time.

When he heard the door closed, Balthazar immediately pulled away, but still kept the happy smile on his face. “Not in front of the little ones,” he jokingly chastised, but then gave a look around. “Speaking of...”

Right... Right. He gave himself a brief pause to hope Lily wouldn't react badly before calling over his shoulder. “Lil, come see!” He looked back to the man in front of him, “I didn't tell her.”

He was about to make a remark when he was swiftly interrupted by a shrill, “ _Balthazar!_ ” Yes. Lily did like him very much. She ran at full speed before Lu could stop her, but the blonde had crouched down to her level for the interception as she crashed into him with a hug. “You came to visit!”

“Of course, darling,” he chuckled, giving her a one armed hug in return and trying to not drop the computer. “You can't keep me away for long. Besides, I'm here on business.”

She yanked away, big smile on her face. “A tattoo?” Who she thought was getting a tattoo, Lu didn't want to ask.

“No, dear,” Balthazar laughed, “The painting on your wall. You haven't forgotten already, have you? I was hoping you had thought about what you wanted.”

Lily's eyes lit up far brighter than Lu had seen them in days and he really didn't know how to feel about it. “I didn't forget!” she protested, grabbing Balthazar by the hand. “I know what I want. Come on. I didn't forget, I promise!” That surprised Lu. After that horrid conversation they shared, she hadn't spoken to him at all about any paintings or tattoos or... really anything to do with Balthazar... He was only just now realizing it.

Balthazar stood up before he could keep on that train of thought. “All right, darling. Let's go. Show me what it is you like.” He followed her, but slowly, purposely making Lily tug at him harder. Lu deftly followed behind him, already forgotten by the duo, but the smile on his face felt more permanent than the rest of the world.

As she tugged him down the hall, Lu watched as Balthazar looked this way and that at the few pictures before she finally got him in the room. “Oooh, you're right,” he said, “it is quite pink.”

“I know,” she answered, still tugging until she had him standing right in front of the wall opposite the door. Lu leaned against the doorway, happy to observe from afar. “Can you draw it here?”

“I don't see why not,” Balthazar answered, resting his computer on top of her dresser and lightly touching the wall, moving around to look at it from different angles, but never letting go of her hand. “It looks like a good place. You sure this is where you want it?” She furiously nodded, making him laugh. “All right then, darling. What do you want?”

“Mystic Mountain!” she answered without missing a beat.

The answer surprised Lu, who's smile wavered for just a moment before coming back again, especially after seeing the other man's face. Balthazar had been all over the world, so the blank look he gave her was a bit priceless as his mind visibly tried to place it.

“Mystic Mountain?”

She nodded again with a big smile. “It's in Carina.”

Balthazar stared at her and slowly turned to Lu for help, who had to bite his bottom lip to keep from laughing. “I'm afraid,” he started to say, slowly turning back to her, “... I'm not familiar with that one. I can look it up on the computer?”

“Okay!”

Balthazar gave one last glance to Lu, obviously wondering if this was a real thing or not, before grabbing at the computer. “You mind if we sit?” he asked her. When she shook her head, their hands finally separated as Balthazar settled himself on the floor with his back to the wall, opening and starting his laptop. “Now let's find your Mystic Mountain.”

Lily climbed into his lap as Balthazar typed, the man seeming to hardly notice her doing so. Meanwhile, Lu rested his head against the wood, watching this perfect picture of the pair of them, looking so intently at a computer screen and so comfortable in each others presence. The moment broke for Lu when she poked at something on the screen. “That! That's it!”

If anything, the older man looked even  _more_ confused as he clicked on whatever picture she had found. “The Carina Nebula,” he read in a mumble before leaning back and looking up to Lu with a smirk. “Mystic Mountain. Thank you so much for the help, Lu.”

He shrugged back to them. “You found it.”

Lily quickly took his attention away. “Can you draw that?”

“Absolutely,” Balthazar answered, going back to the picture. “I'll have to run back home later for supplies, but there's no reason I can't get it done today. For now, let's figure out exactly how you want it.”

With a content smile, Lily leaned back into Balthazar, watching whatever was on the computer screen. The perfect moment came back again, but this time Lu had enough sense to push himself away from the doorway. “I'm going to get you two something to drink. Want anything?”

“Juice!”

“Can I just have some water?”

“Sure,” he smiled, leaving the two of them at it.

He was almost at the end of the hall when he heard Balthazar's quiet voice ask, “Is there something wrong, darling?” It wasn't confused and panicky. It was worried, sincere.

Lu immediately turned back as quietly as he could, but stopped just short of the door as no answer came. Surely it was about the painting and not- “Do you like daddy?” Fuck.  _Fuck_ .

“What?” Balthazar asked, this time sounding legitimately confused. “Of course, dear. Why are you asking that?”

He should interrupt. He should walk in there and interrupt right now before she said something terrible. Something horribly untrue. Something that would drive them apart exactly the way he had wanted before. A coldness clutched at his chest, squeezed at his heart,  _choked him_ , but Lu didn't move.

Her little voice said, “I asked him.”

Predictably, the other sounded even more confused. “Asked him? Asked him wha- Oh! Oh... Oh. Um...” Lu bit his lip again. “Lily, whatever he told you... perhaps it's best not to repeat it. If he wanted me to know, he'd tell me himself.”

That felt like a slap in the face. Did Balthazar already suspect it, then?

There was a quiet moment that Lu had to grit his teeth through, knowing that they weren't done yet. Finally, she asked, “Do you  _want_ to be boyfriends with daddy?”

Again, he had to struggle with himself to not burst in before the other man safely answered, “That, darling, depends on a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“Like... what Lu would want. Or what you want.”

“What _I_ want?”

“Yes. You're the most important thing between us. Your opinion matters most.”

Lu shifted back and sideways in place, rubbing at his forehead from an answer like that. How could he say that? How could he just so casually say things like that? Why is he like this? Why is he so goddamn perfect? Why is he trying so fucking hard to destroy everything? He could do it. He could do it so easily and he didn't even fucking know.

“If daddy wanted to,” she asked, “and if I wanted to, would you want to be boyfriends with him?”

He couldn't help it. Lu waited for the answer even as it felt like time stood still. He didn't know what to expect. What to  _think_ . Even what he  _wanted_ anymore, but he held on, just waiting for the moment to end, even as something deep inside hoped for one answer in particular.

“Yes.” It was quiet, thoughtful... _final_. No second guesses, no hesitation. Just _yes_. Lu closed his eyes, allowing that coldness to choke him harder.

Shifting was heard, then, “I love you, Balthazar.”

He breathed a laugh. “I love you, too, little one.”

“Really?”

“Yes, of course, I do. I love you.”

Lu turned away. He couldn't listen to this.

 


	13. Chapter 13

For some reason, a part of Balthazar screamed to get this done today. After explaining to Lu that she should sleep elsewhere for the night until the paint was fully dry – which the other man was completely okay with – and a quick drive back to his place for the proverbial supplies, Balthazar had started on the nebula using the pink color already on the wall as a base. The lighting in her little room was perfect for this sort of work and since he was in his right mind, he could paint it properly for once with the right sort of paints. Painting on the wall of your loft while in the middle of a battle with insomnia isn't exactly the best thing.

Lily had been extremely enraptured with his work until a few yawns escaped her. Even though she put up quite the argument and denied all accusations towards her, the little one fell into a nap in her father's room. Since then, it had been Luce himself watching from Lily's bed.

At first, Balthazar didn't mind him watching. He didn't mind for awhile of it, actually. Lu hadn't talked at all since he plopped himself down on his daughter's bed, but the company was appreciated as well as the silence so that he could concentrate on getting everything just so. It wasn't until Balthazar had backed off to take a good look at everything he had done so far and to mix a couple of paints that he glanced over to Luce without thinking much on it.

But he wasn't looking at the painting or watching him or really looking at anything really. His legs were crossed on the bed, head resting on his propped up arm, as Lu played with a string on his pants' leg. Balthazar wondered if he was playing the flirty shy game, but that wasn't it. He looked too deep in thought, too tired and too sad. It was the same far away look Lily had given earlier and the recognition made his throat close.

Whatever father and daughter talked about concerning him, it wasn't a good conversation. Perhaps this was the end right here or maybe Lu was waiting until Balthazar was done with the painting. Maybe he thought Balthazar would ruin it or charge him for it or something, like he would be that much of a dick. Like he didn't see this coming for miles. Why would a man like Lu ever want to be with someone as fucked up and miserable as him? It did hurt, but somehow not as badly anymore and that was a good thing. After all, he did understand.

However, it looked like Lu wasn't going to bring it up anytime soon, so the current mood he seemed to be in was absolutely unacceptable. Since he had obviously not seen Balthazar glace to him, the blonde finished with his colors and went back to the painting. “If you stare any harder at my arse, you'll put a hole through it. Literally.”

There was a beat of silence followed by a, “Wha-,” and a peal of laughter. Balthazar couldn't fight his smile even if he wanted to. “What are you talking about?”

_"Please_ ,” the blonde mocked, shaking his hips, “I know what you're daydreaming about over there.”

Lu laughed again. “I'm in my baby's room, Balthazar. Stop.”

At least the horrible moment had fled. The older man smiled to himself in pride even as his chest ached. He knew what was coming, but it wouldn't change how he could make him laugh. If they could, Balthazar would like to end things on mutual means, if for nothing else than to make things as easy as possible on Lily. Maybe they were just classified as fuck buddies in Lu's mind, so if he could just act through the worst of it then everything should be fine.

“Balthazar.” The laughing had died away, and Lu's voice almost sounded sad. Maybe he was going to go ahead and do it now. “We should talk.”

Should he feign ignorance? It's the easiest way to play things... but Lu didn't deserve that. “About Lily and her questions, you mean? She told me that she had asked you about it.” A small part of him worried if he was wrong about the topic and he was the one to doom them unintentionally, but the rest of him knew it to be true.

“Yeah,” Luce sighed, confirming the unspoken suspicions. “I'm sorry about all that. I never even thought about explaining things. As long as she's been around, I haven't been in any sort of relationships. This is all new to her.”

“Don't apologize. Neither of you did anything wrong.” And it was true despite how much it may have hurt. For now, he focused on painting. Art was always the easiest thing to him. “The child was curious. Honestly, I would have tried to talk to her about it, but I wasn't sure what you wanted to say. You're her father. You might as well get first dibs.”

Luce breathed a short, false laugh. “Yeah,” he said again. “I hope she hasn't bothered you, though.”

“Bothered me?” That was a bit of a surprise to hear given whatever their current topic was. Balthazar glanced back to him. “Absolutely not. Never let it be said that I'm great with children, but Lily's a sensible girl. Smart, blunt, honest... Possibly sneaky. I like those sorts. It's the gross ones I can't handle.”

Another chuckle was heard behind him. “She really likes you a lot.”

It almost sounded like he was breaking the news to him or something. “I hate to tell you this, Lu, but I think we might be besties.”

He had turned just in time to catch Lu laughing again. Good. Keep it light. Unfortunately, the good humor died as quickly as it came. “Look.” This time his voice was firmer if still resigned. Balthazar turned away to the painting again. “I don't want to-... I've made a lot of mistakes.”

“Haven't we all?”

“No... Well- I meant lately.”

“Lately?”

Another silence fell over them. It was so obvious that Lu was struggling with this, but Balthazar was too torn to do anything. Staying quiet and ignorant was the best option, but getting it over with quickly would save him in the long run. He just couldn't bring himself to do it.  _He_ didn't want to let go. Maybe Lu didn't feel the same for him, didn't think he could raise Lily, didn't think he was good enough for their family. Balthazar couldn't even say if he was or wasn't, but dammit he wanted to try. He wanted this. All of it. He had known them for just a few weeks, but he wanted this so badly.

Besides, making the move first would just make him out to be a liar. If Lu wanted to end things, then  _Lu_ needed to do it. He wouldn't help. He couldn't.

But it seemed Lu wanted to force him anyway. “I don't really know how to-... I don't even know what to do right now.” His voice dripped away to a mumble at the end, but Balthazar could still hear every word. “I don't know what's the right thing to do or the wrong thing. I'm at this crossroads and I don't know what's the best way to go from here... But the longer it takes to make a decision, the harder the consequences are for every answer... I just don't know what to do.”

Was he asking him? “It sounds like you need to do a bit of soul searching, love.” He could have bit his tongue off for the pet name.

“I thought so, too, and I tried that, but I'm just-... I don't know...”

God, could he make this any harder? Throwing things and screaming would be better than this muddled mess. But, no. He couldn't do this for him. He couldn't hurt himself like that. Especially with Lu somehow being indecisive about it. The last thing he needed was an on again off again relationship with him, and it would be far too easy to do. He was already at the whim of whatever Lu decided. He could hurt Balthazar so badly and he didn't even know.

Lu continued after a moment when no answer came. “I keep putting things off, but it just makes it worse.”

Goddammit. “Luce...” Balthazar watched his hands, just hoping they were doing the right thing as the rest of him went on autopilot. “You need to figure out what decision you would come to regret most for making and which one you can't live without trying. Hard decisions are called just that for a reason, love.”

Another silence. “Yeah... Yeah, I just- I don't know anymore... Lily's birthday is coming up. Maybe I just need to get pass that first. Or... I don't know.”

“You said the longer it took, the worse things were. Sooner is best. When's her birthday?”

“Next week.”

Well, this was the first he was hearing of it. “And you're only just now telling me?”

“I'm sorry,” the chuckle was small, but there. “So much has been going on and Gabriel's been planning most of it anyway. I've just been so... tired thinking about this that I never brought it up. I try not to around her anyway. She doesn't realize when it's getting close.”

A little surprise party then. The thought made him smile, but it broke his heart that he couldn't attend. Not with this decision bouncing around Lu's mind. He couldn't make things worse. After all, he knew what the decision would be in the long run. It was all a matter of how much he could hold on to at this point. But still... he just wanted the chance to  _try_ .

He swallowed and turned back to Lu. “Are you certain you want to wait that long?”

“It's not about what I want,” the other shook his head, “It's about right and wrong.”

That was definitely not going to fly right now. “Sometimes you have to do what's best for you.”

“What's best-...” He mumbled and sighed. “I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic about this.”

Balthazar shrugged. “I'm an artist. I don't mind.”

Lu just breathed a laugh and shook his head again, looking back to his pants' leg and seeming to just want out of the situation completely. Figures. Balthazar couldn't help but wonder just how much he regretted. Instead of wasting time with that idea, he sat down the makeshift easel and walked over to the bed, sitting beside Lu and admiring the painting, careful to not get any of the substance on the girl's bed. Lu glanced to him, then to the wall. “Wow,” he sounded genuinely impressed, “that looks great.”

All he could do for now was nod in thanks. “It's not finished yet. I still need to add the aura bit around it and a few stars.”

“I don't care. It looks amazing.”

He smiled at the praise, but couldn't help to feel so hollow. “What do you want, Luce?”

Time seemed to lapse forever, but the eventual answer should have been the most expected one. “What's best for her.”

And Balthazar clearly wasn't that. “Well, you've been nothing but a brilliant father,” he managed to get out in the best monotone he could handle, “I'm sure you'll figure it out.”

He made to stand, to distance himself, to  _remove_ himself, when a hand gently stopped him from rising. “What are you doing this afternoon?”

“Watching paint dry?” Of course, the question caught him off guard. “Why?” Did he not want to do it here? Did he just need a few more hours? What?

But then Lu leaned forward and kissed him, slowly, gently, hauntingly... When he pulled away all too soon, Balthazar was left visibly confused. “We haven't had time to ourselves in awhile,” he answered in a hushed, collected voice, as if they had been talking about two completely different topics. But they couldn't have. He wasn't stupid. He  _knew_ what the real issue here was. He knew it and Lu knew it, but- but Lu didn't know how he felt. He couldn't know, he had no way to. For all he was concerned, it was about sex and nothing to do with emotions. Why wouldn't he try this?

Balthazar kissed him back hard and slow, before finally standing. “Be patient, love. At least let me finish painting first.”

Lu smiled again just like he usually did, before Balthazar was forced to turn away. Well... at least he had him at all.

* * *

Balthazar had been with many partners in the past, only one ever in a romantic sense. Yet, it was somehow different with Luce. It was part of the reason he had panicked when being faced with losing control. Every time they fucked – or did anything together, really – he felt another little piece of himself fall into Lu's servitude. He would do anything for this man who hardly thought of him one way or another. If they stopped speaking now, Luce would forget him within the year. But Balthazar wouldn't. He would never be able to and, fuck, he hated himself for it.

But as of now, whether he was in control during sex or not, he was Luce's all too willing bitch.

Balthazar liked to go slow with Lu, mostly because the strawberry blonde hated it and always descended into whimpers and moans that were just so beautiful to hear. But tonight, he couldn't bring himself to. It was hard to even keep his head on straight with the way Lu was talking to him.

Praises and promises filled his loft. " _God_ , just like that!” Lu cried again as Balthazar grazed over every spot he knew lit a fire in that unholy man. The blonde panted against his neck as he marked him at will, completely disregarding any possible consequences right now. He just  _needed this_ . “I want you so bad,” Lu would moan again, “I need you, Balthazar. I need- Ah, God, please.  _Fuck!_ I want you, please! _Balthazar!_ ”

And give himself over, he did. He pounded into him so hard and fast that there were bound to be bruises the next day, not that either of them were complaining right now. Balthazar just couldn't get enough. All of this was about to go away. He had to hold on to something, even if it was just rough sex. Maybe – he considered in the back of his mind – if he gave him what Lu wanted, he would keep him for at least that much. Maybe that was what he thought... or maybe he just needed to own a piece of something right now.

“Scream, you fucking slut.” He had never called Lu anything of that sort, nor had he ever wanted to before, but the words fell out in an all too satisfyingly way right now. By Luce's arch and wanting groan, he wasn't arguing about it. “Scream my name!”

He did scream, though no words could be made out, so Balthazar bit his shoulder hard, hoping to drag it out of him as he drove into him, trying hard to move his hands in the same rhythm. Luce clenched down on him and the scheme worked as his name echoed off the walls once again. It didn't happen every time, but when it did, there was something far too perfect about it. Balthazar came right behind him, nearly sobbing into the man's neck, feeling arms go from clawing into his back to simply wrapping around him and holding him there as tightly as possible. It was too much. By the time the orgasm washed away from him, another piece had fallen away.

The way Lu held on made Balthazar want to stay right there forever, in a place that was so warm and comfortable and loving and _needing_. As soon as he caught his breath, the blonde pulled away to fall to his side. “Sorry for calling you a slut.”

Lu laughed, a more beautiful sound than anything else that had escaped him that night. “I'm nothing but, baby,” he sighed contently, eyes still closed from the high.

Balthazar smiled again, close to making a remark when he noticed Lu's shoulder and the bite. “Does it hurt?” His fingers found the edges of the wound, getting a better look at it. At least he didn't break the skin, but he didn't know whether to feel pride or guilt.

The other happily shook his head, finally opening his eyes and turning on his side to face him. “No, it doesn't hurt. I loved it, actually, but that's not like you.”

He smirked and shrugged. “I felt like being rough. You usually like the sort of thing anyway. Was it good? Are you hurt?”

“I've never felt more perfect,” Lu mumbled as he pulled closer, gently leading Balthazar into a deep, slow kiss. It was a bit unfair. The way he moved closer to him, the way his hand combed through his hair, the quiet moans and the deep tugs in his chest. He could fall into this and get lost. Maybe that's what Luce intended all along. One final night together that was slow and perfect and beautiful.

Balthazar pulled away before he melted, quickly hiding his intentions. “You're going to have to tell me what she wants for her birthday.”

Again, he smiled, breathed another laugh. “She's into space this year, as you well know. That painting you did for her is more than enough.”

The blonde shook his head. “Mm, no. That doesn't count. I didn't know.”

“It counts,” Lu laughed, “She'll love anything you got her. She loves you.”

She did. That memory warmed him, at least. Lily didn't want him to leave. “Love isn't an excuse to slack. I have to live up to it, go beyond expectations.”

“... She's really got you wrapped around that finger, doesn't she?”

Balthazar laughed. “I'll get her something nice.” He just hoped, when this was all over, Lu was willing to still be friends. It was all he could ask for anymore, even as their fingers entwined together in the hazy pillow talk.

Too close. He pulled his hand free. “I'm going to make some tea or something,” he said, sitting up to get out of this bed as fast as possible. “Want any?”

* * *

He was being pulled between two sides: what he knew was right and what felt right. And Balthazar couldn't make the decision harder if he tried. The closer Lu tried to get, the further the older man seemed to be. He didn't know which route to take anymore. Did Balthazar want a relationship? Would he be committed to one? What was best for Lily? She was still so young, not even in school yet. Should he really be dating right now?

They were too different and he reminded himself that things couldn't go on – this needed to end. And he tried, back in Lily's bedroom. He tried to bring it up. To say it. To ruin it. But Balthazar was... his _fucking self_ again, and he just couldn't. But he had to. But he couldn't. What was best? What was right?

He needed to sleep.

Cas, surprisingly, was the one who opened the door with a smile. “Lily and Dean are almost done with their movie.”

“ _Meet The Robinsons_ again?” Lu smiled, walking on in to the offered doorway.

“As usual,” Cas chuckled, closing the door behind him, “I'm sorry for being so busy lately, though. We haven't had the chance to take Lily much.”

“Sorry?” Lu turned back to him, a little surprised. “Man, I should be paying you for this. You don't need to apologize.”

“And you definitely don't need to pay us,” Novak waved, moving towards the kitchen. Lu followed. “We don't mind babysitting at all, especially with my job the way it is. And it's not like she's bad or anything.”

“Thank you... Really.”

Castiel smiled and gave a little wave again, sitting down at the bar. “So,” he began, “how have things been lately?”

Oh, so he talked to Gabriel, had he? Lu shrugged. “Not much. Same old same.”

Cas paused, almost shocked. “Really?”

Dammit. “You've been talking to Gabe, haven't you?”

“What?”

“Don't play dumb, Cas. Did he tell you I was dating? He's been telling everyone.”

His eyebrows raised, but the surprise left him. “Well, _you_ haven't mentioned anything, so I'll admit that I've been a bit curious... Is it... serious?”

Serious? God, that was the whole fucking problem. Lu barked a laugh. “Hardly. I was hanging out with him tonight, but I wouldn't exactly call it serious.”

“Oh...” That seemed to confuse the poor guy again. “But it's been a little while, hasn't it?”

“Some odd weeks,” Lu shrugged, “I know I don't exactly date or anything, but this all just happened and I don't know what to do with it anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Lu looked up to him then glanced in the general direction of the living room. All he could hear was the T.V. The one person who really shouldn't know about this was Lily. “I'm going to call things off soon.”

When he looked back to Cas, the other somehow looked absolutely mortified. What the fuck did Gabe tell him? “What? Why?”

“We're too different,” was his usual argument.

“Too-...” Cas glanced around, trying to lean a look into the living room. “Is it Lily?”

“No. God no.” Well, sort of... but not like that. “She loves him. And he really likes her, too. Like a lot. You get those two in the same room and they just talk all day and ignore me... It's kind of cute, actually.”

“So...” Castiel furrowed his brow. “You just don't feel that way for him, then?”

Again, he shrugged, casually wondering why he was explaining in the first place. “I do like him. I mean... he's really funny. Extremely good looking and so smart. So talented. He's been everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if he told me he's been on the moon once. And he cares so much. Like, just about little things that no one else even wonders about. And he loves Lily so much. They get along so well, it's unreal. He's so...” _Perfect_. “I don't know. But he's amazing, Cas. If you met him, I know you'd like him. He's so artistic and creative and so damn funny. You'd love him to pieces.”

If anything, Cas looked even more confused, all squinty eyed and head tilted. “I don't understand. If you like him so much, why would you want to break up? Why do you think you're too different?”

Seriously, why the fuck did he have to explain himself? “I don't know, man.” Again, he wanted _out_ of the situation, but he took a deep breath and tried anyway. “I mean, he's on his own, bar hops, owns his own shop, travels the world... I'm younger than him, and I'm already settled with a kid. He loves Lily a lot, but he deserves better than this. If I don't let go of things now, he'll just figure it out later and leave us. I can't allow him to put Lily through that. She thinks too much of him.”

“Wait...” Castiel took a moment to close his eyes, mouth agape, before opening them again. “You want to break up with him now, because you think he'll break up with you later?”

“I don't think, I _know_. It's just a matter of time.” Lu glanced to the living room again, remembering how he dodged her question about Balthazar leaving them before. She really shouldn't hear that. “And it's nothing against him or anything. We're just not good for him. He needs someone who, I don't know, has more time for him. Someone who won't hold him back from anything, you know. He's such a romantic that I don't even think he sees the bigger picture. Besides, it's not like he won't be cool with it. He cares about me enough, but he's not like drooling or something. Trust me, I won't be breaking any hearts. Tonight he was so far away that I could have been hanging out by myself.”

Cas was gaping at him so much that a fly could go in at any moment. It was like he was trying to convince him the world was flat or something. Poor guy was so beside himself... He really needed to have a chat with Gabe later about this crap. “Lu...” He was quiet for a moment again. “Lu, I think that logic is flawed.” Before he could even ask, Cas continued, “Shouldn't he be the one to decide that _he's_ had enough? That he deserves something different? And why did you go out with him tonight, anyway? Does he know what you're thinking about doing? You're leading him on.”

A lecture? Really? He had never layed eyes on the man, and he's trying this “It's not like that, Cas. He doesn't feel that way.”

“How do you know? Have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him?”

“I know, okay? If I don't stop this now, then he'll just do it later. I won't put Lily through that again. She'll remember Balthazar. I don't want it to end badly for her.”

At this, Cas' face went through many phases. His eyes squinted, and his head tilted. His mouth opened and closed several times, and he glared so hard a vessel could burst. “Is-... Is this about Ruby?”

It didn't. He told himself it didn't as he felt the blood drain from his face. “Why in the hell would you say that? They're nothing a like. You don't even know him.”

“Then why are you putting them on the same pedestal? You care about him, but not enough to give him a chance to prove that he's better than that? You won't even talk to him about it? Try to explain?”

Lu shook his head. “I'm not doing this.” He couldn't. Not with fucking Castiel who suddenly acted like he knew it all. He turned away to scoop up Lily as quickly as possible so he could leave, sleep, confirm with himself that this was the right fucking thing to do, and end this nonsense.

“It's not fair to him- Lu!”

He ignored him as best as he possibly could. Cas didn't even _know_ him. He didn't know anything. “Lily, let's go home!”

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing two chapters in one weekend.

It was only two days later when they met again, though any word in between had been silent. Balthazar had been nothing if not kind, but since their almost-talk, he had been even more distant than before. Lu couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he just figured that the other man knew the truth.

Castiel's words had haunted him, mostly because he was right. He was afraid of Balthazar leaving and he wasn't even going to allow the man a chance to prove how perfect he could really be. Even worse, he still didn't talk to him about it. He didn't end it or ask his opinion or anything. Things were just continuing on as they had been. While he felt a bit guilty about it, it didn't seem to hurt Balthazar in the least. He loved Lily, but his relationship with Lu seemed to be exactly what it looked like. Friends with benefits. Really, it just made ending things easier. But he didn't  _ want _ to end things. But Balthazar was clearly not dedicated to this.

They needed to talk. Maybe not break up, but just fucking  _ talk _ . The sooner, the better.

But, of course, not today. Lily was with them today.

She held both of their hands again as she walked between them, swinging Balthazar's arm and casually chattering to him as they went. They hadn't told her what they were doing today, though the blonde had broke his present idea to Lu before hand. Really, if Balthazar was okay with it, then he was. Besides, if all this did end, he had hoped they could at least remain good friends.

They stopped in front of a pet store. “Lily?” She looked up to Balthazar, confused and curious, “I remembered what you told me about Alfie living with your friends and all, but I thought I could get you another pet for your birthday.”

Instantly, her face lit up before glancing to her father and going sad again. “I can't have one, though.”

“No, but I can,” he continued, her eyes slowly beginning to light again. “You pick out whatever you want – provided it won't kill me – and you can visit it whenever you like. How does that sound, darling?”

Her head whipped around to her dad again and Lu could do nothing but smile and nod. She looked again to Balthazar, then the door, then her father, before  _ finally _ deciding it was okay to enter the pet store. The blonde muttered, “Please, don't get a snake,” to himself as Lu chuckled.

This was nice, he decided as they entered the store. Lily looked around with a lot of  _ ooh _ s and  _ aah _ s, though not as many when she first walked into Balthazar's shop. This was almost perfect, he reasoned as he let Lily's hand go so she could drag her proverbial  _ bestie _ around by the arm. Lu watched them close, following lazily behind them as she tapped on every glass and tried to stick a finger through every cage.

“Can I get a parrot?”

“That's $800, Lily...”

“What about the fuzzy spider?”

“That'll give me a heart attack.”

“What about the long, slinky thing?”

“That'll eat me.”

Any second now, Lu expected her to raise a fuss. After all, he said the magic words. “Whatever you want.” Instead, Lily was still happily poking about tanks and cages, imitating bullfrogs by puffing out her cheeks and making the same screech as the finches whenever they let out a call. Honestly, she was just enjoying being there.

Finally, after he caught on without any help from Lu, Balthazar casually steered her away from the tarantulas and closer to the gerbils. She glanced at one and puffed out her cheeks again just like the animal, when she turned her head in a bad direction, eyes going alight. “What's that?” she asked, poking at the tank housing a ferret.

The long gray thing popped his head up from the  _ thud _ and away from the giant hole he had created through paper towels and newspaper. It and Balthazar stared at one another, before the thing hissed at him, showing his rows of teeth. “Lily, please, no.”

“Fluffy!” she cried, tugging his arm in another direction as Lu laughed behind him.

Balthazar turned and noticed the kittens that had taken her attention. “Oh, thank God.”

Lu approached them as Lily squealed and coo'd. “You said  _ whatever you want, Lily _ . You sure you're against the ferret?”

“For that thing to crawl up my pants' leg while I'm cooking with hot grease?” Balthazar muttered back to him, making him chuckle again.

This was perfect, he thought again to himself. How could he ruin something as perfect as this? This was so hard to do... but he could ignore it for now. That much was certain. He didn't have to think about it here, as he watched Balthazar squat down to Lily's level and she pointed out every kitten in the cage while they mewled back at them.

“They're so pretty,” she gasped every time one would pass by. “Can I get one?”

The blonde nodded. “If this is what you want, yes. You can get a cat, darling. You just can't play with one of these like you would a dog.”

“But they're so pretty,” she reasoned just as one came up to them at the edge of the cage, meowing it's face off. It was a calico thing with black, gray, and brown spots. Lu took a good look at it, because from his daughter's reaction, they weren't leaving the store without it. “He loves me!”

“I certainly hope it's a _he_ ,” Balthazar muttered quietly again.

She looked to him with those big, pleading eyes. “Can I get him? He loves me, Balthazar.”

By looking at him, one would think the man was completely immune to those eyes, but Lu knew the truth even as the older man asked, “Are you sure, darling? You can only get  _ one _ pet.”

“We love each other,” she provided in lieu of an answer.

With a little laugh, Balthazar stood up. “All right. Let's invest in cat food, litter, and lent rollers before we leave, okay?”

After being reassured by a worker that, yes, it was tom cat, and turning away Lu's offers of payment or reimbursement (at least the kind that didn't include sex), Balthazar bought Lily's pet that she decided for some fucking reason to name “Cocoa.”

* * *

Thankfully, Cocoa was a very compliant kitten. He may not have cared for being packed around by the torso like a teddy bear, but he seemed to allow it for the most part. Even so, Lu kept a very close eye on the pair as Lily toted the cat around Balthazar's loft to every single painting he had. All it would take was one scratch and Lily would decide that she didn't love Cocoa as much as she thought she did.

“I was going to give her a tour of the shop.”

Lu blinked, turning to Balthazar. “Huh?”

The other pointed happily at the pair from their seat on the couch. “I was going to show her around the tattoo shop, but that's not so much a gift as it is a memory. I'll do it sometime soon. She'd like that.”

“Like that? She would _die_.” Balthazar chuckled, keeping his eyes on them as Lu continued. “What made you decide on a pet?”

“She loves animals,” he shrugged, “and I could always use the company. Haven't had a pet in ages.”

Company. There was something about the way he nonchalantly said it that didn't set well with Lu. Then he had to wonder about all that traveling the other man supposedly did. Did he think this through or was there something more going on? God, Lu thought too much about these things... He looked back to his daughter. “I think we need to talk.”

Balthazar turned to him, though Lu didn't look to make eye contact. “About what?”

Lily was with them. They couldn't break up now, but fuck they needed to have some sort of conversation. “Just about everything, I guess.”

He was quiet for a moment before asking, “Is this about that decision you were trying to make?”

“... Yeah.”

“Did you decide?”

“No.” Balthazar looked away from him and he felt like a bigger ass than usual. “I just wanted to talk, though.”

“Okay...” They both waited. “Begin...” Balthazar waited and Lu couldn't get anything out. “Luce, you told me that the longer you wait, the worse things are. If talking helps, then by all means, talk. This decision is hurting you. Whatever you need to do, get it over with.”

“But I can't, I- I don't know what's right, like I said.”

Balthazar sighed. “... Then what did you want to say now?”

That was a good question. He had no idea what to say right now or even what he  _ needed _ to say. Perhaps just explain what he felt was going on, but God he didn't want to get on that track and lose this. But that was the point. This had to  _ end _ . Why did he keep losing sight of that? “That I'm scared.”

“Of what? This decision.”

“Of everything.” The other was quiet, and Lu's shoulders slumped. “Of you, of either decision I make, of everything.”

Balthazar's voice fell quiet. “Can we talk about what you're deciding on?”  Then Lu looked to him and found no curiosity or confusion. Balthazar just looked tired and hurt. He knew. The bastard  _ knew _ . He had to. “We don't talk about it and we need to,” he continued, being rational and logical and completely without regard for the topic at hand, but absolutely right at the same time. He didn't want to continue bouncing around the subject either.

“I'm sorry,” he finally settled on, “I'm sorry for being scared. I'm sorry for everything.”

The older man nodded and looked away again, back to the girl showing her cat around. “Is that it, then? It's done?”

“No.” It fell out of his mouth before he could think on it. “We- We need to talk. Just not... _now_. Some other time when she's-”

“Okay.” Balthazar nodded, ending the conversation. A stab through the throat would have felt better than that. Yet, he stayed quiet anyway and allowed that to be the end of it for now.

That is, until little feet padded up to them, Cocoa swaying in Lily's grip. “Balthazar!”

A soft smile graced his face, if not a sad one, when she approached him. “Yes, darling?”

“It's my birthday,” she announced, even if she was off by a few days. “Daddy had a party for me last year. If he does another, are you gonna go?”

The smile fled just as quickly as it appeared, though not nearly as gracefully. “I'm sorry, sweetheart. I can't.” He can't? Lu never even considered that he wouldn't, for some reason. Of course he wouldn't. Everyone knew something was happening between them. If things were about to end, it would be a little confusing for them all if they looked like a happy couple at his daughter's birthday.

She looked shocked and absolutely devastated, though, which reflected on to Balthazar as well. “Why not?”

“I have work all next week. I won't have time. I'm sorry, love.” That was a bullshit answer, but only Lu knew it. Still, it looked just saying it tore the blonde. It was clear he wanted to be there... but Lu kept his mouth shut.

Lily still looked saddened, but not as if she was about to burst into tears anymore. “Oh... Daddy says work's important. That's okay.”

Balthazar's head turned towards him, but he couldn't meet his gaze for anything. “I swear, darling, I'll make it up to you.”

She smiled at that. “What'll I get?” Her little arms constricted just tight enough for Cocoa to meow and paw at her arm.

“Don't crush him,” Balthazar laughed, making her loosen her grip a little. “And I don't know yet. I'll think of something.”

“Okay,” she smiled up to him, adjusting her hold on the cat. “Thank you.”

Balthazar leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. Lu looked away to stare at the floor.

* * *

“Cas, calm down.”

The Winchester and Novak had just left Lily's little soiree party. Only the usual showed up, though a girl named Rachel had tagged along with Michael, so that was different. However, Cas had expected that he would be playing the part of a double agent as he would have to act like he didn't know his friend at all. Unfortunately, his friend hadn't been there, though that didn't stop Lily from prattling on about him endlessly. She showed everyone the painting he did in her room – which was beautiful, to be honest – and told them all about him, his other paintings, his tattoos, some cat named Cocoa, and the only thing that made her stop was a cake.

Of course, Gabriel was the first one to ask where he was, giving an eyebrow wiggle to Lu in turn, but he took the answer of “He had to work” just as calmly as everyone else did. Everyone that didn't know he  _ owned  _ his business. Everyone that didn't know that he had taken off of work for less things. Everyone who didn't know that he was in love with Lu and probably had his heart broken into millions of pieces.

Castiel hadn't told him about the conversation, praying that Lu would see the error of his ways and try to work things out. But he hadn't heard from Balthazar in days and this was the last straw. Especially with Lucifer avoiding Cas' pointed glares.

“Cas, it's none of your business.”

“Balthazar made it my business,” he grumbled furiously as he dialed the stupid man's number.

Dean sighed in the driver's seat as they made their way home from the party. To be fair, he had to listen to Castiel's rant through a hallway walk, an elevator ride,  _ and _ through the parking lot. “Cas, your blood pleasure.”

“Quiet, Dean,” he grumbled again before nearly screeching, “Answer your phone!”

Finally, the accented voice hit his ears. “ _ Hello? _ ”

“Are you working?”

There was a beat of silence. “ _ Yes, I'm at work. Why? Dean finally wants that hand print he's been talking about? _ ”

“We just left Lily's party,” Cas huffed, brow furrowed together, “She wouldn't stop talking about you. Why weren't you there?”

“ _Because I'm working_.”

“That worked on Lily. It won't work on me.” No response. “What happened?” Did he hang up? “Balthazar, what did he do?”

“ _Why are you so fucking suspicious? Shit. I'm working, Cas. What else do you want?_ ”

“The truth! Tell me what happened. What did he tell you?”

Dean sighed again beside him, but he ignored it just as easily. This was too important. Balthazar cared too much for this to just be so simple.

“ _We didn't break up, if that's what you're asking._ ”

“... You didn't?” That was a surprise, but at least the anger drained from him.

“ _No, but he's going to. Tomorrow, I think_.” Then his anger flared back. “ _You knew, didn't you?_ ”

Dammit. “He talked to me the other day, but everything he said was nonsense. I don't know what he's thinking, but you can't just let him do this. You have to fight him on it. I know he cares about you. He wants to be with you. He's just- I don't know! He's just not thinking straight or something. He's just hurt from the past and he's afraid that he'll mess this up, too.”

“ _I highly doubt that's his reasoning. I feel too deeply about him and his daughter, and things have gotten too serious now. I'm not exactly someone you settle down with, Cassie_.”

“That is not true!” If he knew he could talk Dean into it, he would demand they turn around so he could drag Lucifer into the street by the scruff of his hair. “You can't allow him to make you believe that. You have to get him to tell you the truth, because that's _wrong_. That's not how he feels. That's not how anyone feels about you.”

“Cas,” Dean whispered beneath his breath, hand finding the others knee. It didn't help.

“ _Would you stop talking like I'm a depressed maniac? I'm fine. I do... greatly wish I could have been there tonight for the little one, but I know Lu wouldn't have appreciated it with everyone else there as well. We'll stay friends. It's fine._ ”

“Balthazar-”

“ _I'm fine, Cas. Stop. I have a client._ ”

“Balthazar, you're-” The line went dead. “These idiots!”

Dean looked worried, but hardly for Balthazar and Lu's sake. “Are you okay?”

“I can't let these two morons do this to each other,” Cas fumed, dialing another number.

“There's really not much that we can- Who are you calling now?”

He didn't answer and the phone rang twice before he picked up. “ _ Hello? _ ”

“Lu.”

“ _Cas? What's-... Oh God, this isn't about my relationship crap, is it? We didn't break up, if that's what you're thinking. You could have just jumped down my throat here, you dick._ ”

“You shouldn't break up with him,” Cas commanded, earning an eye roll from Dean. “I know you plan to, but you care about him. You said you did. And Lily loves him.”

“ _Did you even listen to a word I said back at your place?_ ”

“You can't break things off with him just because you're scared he'll turn into another Ruby!”

Dean finally balked. “Whoa, what? That chick was crazy.”

“ _I didn't say that! I said that he deserves better and he'll figure it out eventually. I really don't know how this is any of your damn business, Cas._ ”

“You like him and you're making a mistake.”

“ _That's_ still _none of your business._ ”

“So you admit it!”

“ _Cas_ ,” Lu hissed through the phone, “ _This is hard enough on me as it is, all right. I like him. I said it. He's perfect and I'm fucking in love with him and I can't do this, okay? I won't do it to myself again and I sure as hell won't do it to Lily. Not with him. Not with someone I care so much about. So, get the fuck off of my back and let me protect my family, okay?_ ”

Surprised, Castiel blinked at the dash in front of him, finally managing to mutter out, “Lu, he would never-” The dial tone buzzed.

Cas pulled the phone away in a stunned trance, obviously worrying Dean. “What happened?”

He ended the call and looked over to him. “I think I made it worse.”

“Fantastic. Good job, Cas.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm sure you are all aware, gishwhes starts next Saturday. I have signed my soul to Misha Collins for that week, so I highly doubt there'll be an update from me. I hope there will be! But we'll have to play it by ear for now. Wish me luck (and sanity).
> 
> Next chapter is going to be The Talk (TM) and then lots of stuff is gonna happen and I hope you're ready. You guys have been a great crowd to write for. ♥


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After finally figuring out the dreaded T11fJ-bSWI0, throwing a tin foil hat party, and having a rave at the local zoo with a sloth, I am back to the two Desperadoes that make me so miserable! Let's begin. I've missed writing this so much.

“Okay, you haven't even touched your peanut butter and banana sandwich.” Sam looked up from his plate to see that Gabriel was right. Lily hadn't touched her food. She gave the shorter man on the stool beside her an innocent look as he asked, “What's wrong?”

Sam slowed his chewing from across the bar as the girl shrugged, his eyes quickly darting over to the man of his interests.

Predictably, Gabriel wasn't satisfied. “What do you mean-?” He shrugged, mimicking her.

Lily shrugged again and looked down to her lap. “I don't know.”

“Wanna try that again?”

She looked up to the sandwich before glancing between Sam and her uncle. “Daddy doesn't like Balthazar.”

They both just stared at her, completely confused about that statement since the current rumor mill seemed to suggest otherwise. Lily had been at Gabriel's apartment more times than he could count in the last month or so, and every time (when Lu dropped her off _and_ picked her up) Gabe was met by a man that looked suspiciously like his brother but was far too happy and cheerful to be Lucifer. “Somehow, I don't think that's the case, chipmunk.” Then again, Lu didn't seem all the chipper when he left thirty minutes ago...

“I thought so, too,” she said with a big pout, “but he told me so.”

Food momentarily forgotten, Sam entered the conversation, brows set heavy in confusion. “What exactly did he say?”

Finally, the flood gates opened. “Daddy dropped me off at Balthazar's house and they kissed when he left so I asked Balthazar if they were boyfriends and Balthazar said it was complicated and that he didn't know and I should ask daddy, so I asked daddy when he was tucking me into bed but he said that it was complicated and he didn't know either, so I asked if he wanted to be boyfriends and he said no but when I asked Balthazar the next day if he wanted to be boyfriends he said yes and told me he loved me, but daddy doesn't like talking about Balthazar but Balthazar likes talking about daddy a whole lot, but daddy says he doesn't want to be with anyone 'cause he's got me and he doesn't know if Balthazar would leave or not and I don't know if he would either, but I love him, too, but daddy doesn't love him 'cause if he did then he would try but I don't think he's going to 'cause he hates talking about him and Balthazar said he couldn't come to my birthday party and I miss him-”

“Okay!” Gabriel held up his hand, trying to stop what looked like the beginning of some waterworks, “Slow down, okay? It's all right, Lily.” She sniffled and blinked her watery eyes a few times, but otherwise looked stable enough for him to attempt explaining. “People like your dad don't always know what they want. He might just be acting like that and saying those things, because he hasn't figured it out for himself yet. I'm sure he likes Balthazar very much. Has he looked happier since they met?” She nodded. “So he must like him, right? Even if he said something different.”

“But he hasn't been happy lately. Even after Balthazar got me Cocoa. He's always frowning and looks real sad and it's 'cause of Balthazar, but daddy hates talking about him.” With her frown, Lily looked away from her uncle and down to the floor. “I don't know what to do.”

Gabriel's phone began to buzz beside them, as the two men sighed. Sam provided a bit of an answer, while the other reached for the offending mobile. “There's not much you  _can_ do, Lily. This is something that they have to fix themselves, but I'm sure you'll still be able to see Balthazar no matter what happens.”

“But I want daddy to be happy, too.”

“Slow down, Cas. What?” They turned to look at Gabriel, whose brow was furrowed together as he stared at the wall with the phone to his ear. “Wait, what do you mean you know him? How-?... Why didn't you say that you knew him when they started-? Wait, what?” His eyes grew wide. “ _What?_ She's gone! It can't be about-... Are you crying? Calm down, man. You didn't-... He left to meet him a little while ago. Lily's here with me... They're _what?_ ”

“Uh...” Sam looked on as Gabriel hopped from his bar stool, still screeching in the phone. “... Just eat your sandwich, Lily. Don't let us stupid adults ruin your day.”

She pouted at him as another of Gabriel's echoes bounced in from the living room. “That  _idiot!_ ”

* * *

It did turn out to be the next day... Lu had left Lily with someone while they handled whatever was going on between them. It was best without her around, just in case. It was someone's idea, he couldn't quite remember whose, to have this conversation in the park. They both agreed that it was neutral ground and fairly private during the weekday afternoon.

He wasn't nervous. He knew exactly what was going to happen, just still faintly hoped that they could stay friends, even if it was just for Lily's sake. But the first problem came to light about twenty minutes after Balthazar sat down on a bench furthest away from any lingering groups of people. Lu was late.

That alone threatened to make him anxious. Coming here and being left with his thoughts was enough of a pain, but now he had to sit down and just wait for the inevitable. He felt like he should do something. Maybe leave or figure out a good argument to fight back with or move close enough near people so that either of them wouldn't end up making some sort of scene... Something. Something that didn't mean he was just going to wait for the perfect world he _apparently_ had just imagined over the last few weeks to get annihilated.

Which, he did just imagine it. Reality was finally staring him in the face. Lu was looking for a fling with someone and had assumed that was all Balthazar had been after as well. He must have – at some point, despite how careful he tried to be – revealed what he felt for the other man and his daughter. Of course, that wasn't going to fly. Never mind that Luce didn't feel the same, but Balthazar had never been nor would never be long-term relationship material. Add the word “parent” to that idea, and the thought was just laughable. He was a tattoo artist, for Christ's sake. Maybe he owned his own shop and held a reputable business, but the snobbier people of the world still turned their noses up at the career choice. Plus he was an artist that painted on the fucking walls of his loft because of insomnia and the things he used to think and hear and  _see_ ... Maybe he let Lu get too close, and the other man was appalled at what he had found. That's what happened last time.

Right now, he just really hoped Lu would hurry the fuck up.

Like an answer to his call, leaves and dried grass crunched beneath the feet of someone approaching him who stopped beside the bench but didn't bother to sit. “Hey.”

Finally, he looked up, hoping to Hell that his expression looked more or less normal. “Hey.” Lu looked saddened, though, but Balthazar attributed it to tiredness and didn't think on it again. “Care to sit?”

Lu looked at the bench like he was only just noticing the thing before nodding and sitting down beside him, careful to leave some distance between them both.

With a deep breath, Balthazar looked away again, waiting for it to begin... and waited... and waited... “Luce...”

“I- I'm sorry,” Lu shifted in his place, clearing his throat. “I'm just-... I don't know. I'm just... still a little-... a little scared of all this.”

Why? Why was he scared? Did he think Balthazar was going to be a crazy ex or something? Probably... He looked to him, knowing he would hate himself in the morning for helping him through this. “You have nothing to be afraid of, Luce.” Lu glanced to him and looked away again, genuinely looking terrified. “How did the party go?” he asked in an attempt to relax him.

Lu's eyes flew back to him, almost surprised, almost like he had forgotten his daughter's birthday completely. “It was good... She had cake and everything. Um...” He looked away again. “Had loads of presents. I mean, she's... so spoiled. Princess of the family and all that.”

Balthazar nodded, not doubting for a second that the herd of them spoiled her. She seemed the only child between them after all, considering how much she grumbles about not being around other kids. “I hope she didn't forget her cat already. That thing eats like a vacuum,” he smiled, trying to joke with him.

“No, she-” Lu shifted again. “She hasn't. She told them about him...” Then silence slipped between them again.

After another glance to his shoes, Balthazar tried ushering this along again. “Luce...” Nothing. “Whatever you need to say, you need to just start talking and say it. Letting it hang between us isn't doing you any favors... Whatever you say, you truly have nothing to be afraid of, and I mean that.”

Lu swallowed hard and looked straight ahead. “I still don't know what to really do. I mean, well- I feel like I can't do either one... I'm so sorry. I'm usually not like this. Just-... Thanks for being patient with my stupid ass.”

At least he was thankful. Balthazar smiled to himself, but it was small and weak and he knew it. “You're hardly stupid, Luce. Just do what I said. Just start talking.”

Lu stared at the trees, his eyes slowly lowering to the ground then his shoes, obviously not knowing where to begin. Then, after what felt like years, he finally spoke. “I met Ruby at a bar, too, in New York City.” Balthazar's features fell, but he remained silent. “We had our little thing, but I didn't love her. I don't even think I really cared about her. It was my second to last year as an under grad and shit was finally getting tough. Drinking and partying fucked me up too much in the mornings, so sex was the only outlet I really had. She didn't love me either, though. She was basically the same as me, just a different background and a different major, that was all. Our little thing might have lasted two months, I don't even remember. I didn't really see her after that and I didn't really think about her, either.

“Then, sometime later, she calls me up out of the blue in the middle of the day. I answer, thinking she wants a quickie and can't find anyone else on the spot, but instead she just tells me that she's pregnant. It didn't even register until she said she hadn't been with anyone else since me. I figured she had to be lying, but I couldn't figure out why. Even then, I was never some sort of sugar daddy, but I met up with her later that day and she was actually fucking sincere for once and so worried. Maybe she just needed someone else with her through it and figured I would go along, and I did without a test or anything. I didn't need it. I wasn't exactly ready, mind you, but we did have sex and she was definitely pregnant, so why not?

“We both kept going to school and everything continued like it always had. We met up every now and then and I brought her to all the doctor appointments. We talked about names and diapers and structure and all this other shit. Even ways to opt out, but neither of us wanted to. We still weren't together though and we didn't want to be. We didn't fight or hate each other, but we didn't really like each other either. We were just... getting through it together, I guess. Then she's born and... I don't know what the hell happened.”

Balthazar, who had been listening quietly the whole time, furrowed his brow at that statement. For a moment, it looked like Lu may not continue, but he stayed quiet and eventually the story went along.

“I don't know if Ruby had the wrong idea about me or what, but she kind of just stopped... talking to me. Which would have been fine, if she didn't have my kid... I didn't get to see Lily except when I managed to catch Ruby with her. I argued with her a lot about it. I told her I wanted to be a part of Lily's life. That I was willing to pay child support or just buy them a place near me once I graduated and got a job, but she wouldn't listen. She didn't want me there at all. I don't know why. I don't know if she suddenly hated me or thought I was being an awful father. I don't know. I fought with her like that for five months, trying to argue my point, trying to give her a chance... On the sixth month, I called a lawyer. I didn't want full custody of Lily, because I didn't want Ruby out of the picture either. I just wanted to see my daughter that I had probably held all of four times since she was born.

“A couple of days later, before I could even make it known that I was getting the law involved, Ruby shows up at my door. She's got a bag at her feet, Lily on her hip, and some guy I didn't know with his arm over her shoulders. I barely have time to even take the picture in before she practically throws Lily in my arms and says, “If you want her so badly, then take her.” They turn and walk away before I can even speak. And that's the last time I've seen or heard from Ruby...”

He wants to intervene, but Balthazar couldn't decide on what to say after that. Lily mentioned that her mother left a long time ago, but that's a hell of a way to do it.

“It quickly became apparent,” Lu continued, “that she was definitely not coming back, and I couldn't go to school and raise a kid at the same time, no matter how much I had left. So I quit and moved back out here where my brothers were. She couldn't grow up with just me. She needed a family that I didn't have, so I just... tried to make the best of it, I guess. She's turned out beautifully so far, but she asks questions sometimes about her mom or about other families and I just don't know what to tell her. The older she gets, the more she'll understand, but I don't want her to have some sort of resentment or... abandonment issues... Especially if we somehow figure out that I'm not actually her father...”

“Luce...” Balthazar slid closer, unsure of how all that pertained to them, but reached out anyway, wanting to comfort the man nonetheless. That is, until his thought were cut off.

“You can do better than us.”

The blonde blinked back at him, freezing, wondering if he heard that right. “What?”

Then Lu finally looked at him in sadness and pain. “You know you can. I know it. You're so smart and talented. You can go anywhere and be whatever you wanted to be. I'm not about to even attempt to hold you back from that, because you'll realize it in a month or a year or four years and you'll either regret being stuck here or you'll leave. You have to understand, Balthazar, I can't put Lily through that.”

What the- His hand pulled back. “Lu, what-”

“She doesn't remember Ruby and she's always asking questions. I can't let her-”

“What the fuck?”

“Balthazar, I can't let someone else walk out on her. I'm sor-”

The blonde quickly stood just to fucking  _distance_ himself from this. Walk out on them? Is that what Lu thought he was? Did he think he was just like her? And why not? He wasn't the best fucking person for this job. Of course Lu could find someone better to raise Lily with. But why in the hell would he say it like that?

He heard Lu stand behind him. “Balthazar-”

“Stop. Just fucking-” He rubbed at his eyes, his face. What the hell was he supposed to make of this? “How can you actually believe that I would do that to either of you? To anyone?”

“There's nothing you can say or do to make me know for sure you'd never leave.”

Balthazar finally looked at him with what he knew was an incredulous look on his face. He couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe that  _this_ was Lu's excuse. It begged the question, what the fuck was the bloody truth? Lucifer, on the other hand, looked to be on just this side of composure. He looked worried and anxious and frightened, like he may burst into tears if Balthazar spoke too loudly. It wasn't fair. He wanted to scream and throw something and demand the fucking truth. If he didn't love him, then why not just fucking say so? “Minds change from day to day,” Balthazar said as levelly as he could right now, “but if I did leave, it wouldn't be like that. You just said that I basically don't deserve you and then follow up with an accusation of something some bitch did in New York? Something you have no idea that I would ever do to you? If you don't want to be together, Lu, then for God's sake, say it! But I won't be held accountable for something like that, even if that is what you  _think_ of me!” And that thought hurt worst of all. Lu really thought that lowly of him. He didn't love him. He  _hated_ him.

Yet, the entire time, Lu was shaking his head, looking for all the world like he was about to have a meltdown. “It's not,” he tried to tell him, one hand absently reaching towards him. “It's not. I- I can't- I'm sorry. You're not like her. You're nothing like her. I'm just not- I can't put Lily through it. She loves you. I can't let this hurt her.”

“Let _me_ hurt her, you mean.” He was fuming. He was furious. He never thought he would – _could_ – feel this much pain again. “I know I'm a shit excuse for a human being, Lucifer. You don't have to fucking spell it out!”

“It's not you-”

“Then what the fuck is it?”

“ _ME!_ ” he finally screamed, letting that last shred of composure slip and fall. “Everyone leaves _me_! And Lily cares about you too much- _I_ care about you too much just to get fucking comfortable and then watch you walk away like every fucking body else! I'm already in goddamn love with you! I can't do this! You're going to see it! You're going to see how fucking beautiful and perfect you are and you're going to see the kind of shit you're with and you're going to leave and I won't even fucking hate you for it! I don't even fucking blame you! You need more than this and I'm not going to do this to myself so _stop fucking trying!_ ”

After that, Balthazar was out of words to say. A short silence stretched between them until Lu realized what all had come out of his mouth, then his hands flew to his face and he cursed a few more times as he turned to the side. Balthazar just watched. “You love me-?”

“That's not the fucking point!” Lu blew up again. “I won't let you fucking do this to me! I can't!”

“Luce-”

“ _Stop it!_ ”

Lu cradled his face again and Balthazar dared to approach him. “Luce...” This time, no screaming answered him. Lu just dropped his hands and tried his best to look away from him, obviously a bit over emotional from that mountain of confessions. Finally, he was in front of him, slowly grasping at his arms and sides, even if Lu wouldn't meet his gaze. “Luce, I love you.”

“No.” The other shook his head. “No, don't do that. You stay so distant from me. Don't try that.”

“I was scared of you finding out. I was scared of you leaving.” Lu turned to look to his other side, still trying to avoid him but still held in his grasp. Balthazar pressed on anyway. “My past is riddled with bullshit and I was terrified of you finding out. If you're leaving anyway and claim that you love me, then you have to know that I love you, too. You have to know that I would never hurt you like that. You or Lily.”

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime too long, Lu looked up to him and finally met his eyes. Yet still he didn't seem to be able to speak, so Balthazar tried to go on. “I'm sorry I've kept things from you and I'm sorry that it was so obvious. I'm sorry I've made this worse than it ever had to be. I know I wouldn't make even a decent parent and I'm not anyone's first choice to settle down with, but you are wonderful and smart and funny and so beautiful and you need to know that's what I think of you. I wouldn't hurt you and I wouldn't hurt Lily. I'm terrible. I'm shit. But I would never-”

“Why do you keep saying that?” It seemed he finally found his voice, as quiet and fragile as it was. “I just told you that you're perfect. You're so amazing. Why do you keep saying that shit?” At that, Balthazar didn't have an answer to give him. “I'm sorry...” Lu looked to be on the verge of tears just before wrapping his arms around the older man, nearly knocking them both over. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Balthazar. I'm so fucking stupid. I don't want to break up. I don't want to lose this. I'm just so scared. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.”

Not entirely sure what happened or how the subject managed to twist in this direction, Balthazar slowly wrapped his arms around Lu, holding him tightly. “You want me to stay?”

“ _Yes_ , God.” It almost sounded like a sob against. “I never wanted you to _leave_. Balthazar, goddammit, I'm sorry.”

Luce loved him. Luce wanted him to stay. Luce  _loved_ him. But he was so sure a second ago that he hated him. Balthazar was getting whiplash... but he had him for now. He had him in this moment, and damn if he wasn't going to let go. “I'll tell you everything,” he said in a hushed voice, “I'll give you all of me. I'll tell you everything. I promise, I won't hold back anymore. I swear.” If Lu claimed to love him in return, then he was going to love him with everything he had, even if it all turned around and killed him.

“Tell me later.” Lu pulled back from him, cupping the back of the shorter man's head for their eyes to meet. “I don't care. It won't change anything. I love you. I'm not going to fucking ruin this-”

Balthazar kissed him and Lu immediately returned it. It probably should have been gentle but it wasn't. It was powerful and heated with a whole different passion from their usual. Balthazar parted his lips for him in a second, but it all ended too soon when Lu pulled away, even if it was to dart a few kisses on his neck.

“Your place,” Lu commanded in a breath, lips trailing the soft skin under Balthazar's jaw.

The other gasped and broke free, dragging Lu by the arm to his car. He'll just have to bring him back to the park later for Lu to get his vehicle, because there was no way in Hell he was going to separate from him for even a second right now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it sounds like we're close to a resolved ending, but we have miles to go before we sleep, everyone. Don't start the goodbyes just yet. There's lots left to do.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4,000 words worth of porn, a forewarning.

The drive to Balthazar's loft had been a distracting one. If Lu wasn't so sure they would wreck and kill themselves, he would have climbed onto the blonde's lap a long time ago. Even the thought of just fucking in the parking lot was a pretty heady one that he might have considered a couple of times, but no, it wouldn't be good enough. He wanted room to move. He wanted to go slow and hard, and he wanted Balthazar to scream so loud he'd be hoarse for a week. The last thing they needed was some fucking kids peeping in on them.

So, Balthazar's place it was, as it always had been. He could count on one hand the times he had gone there and they hadn't fucked, but he somehow never left unsatisfied. Back then the thought terrified him. Now it just forced his hand to fumble with the other man's shirt over his chest and trace his lips along his neck. God, riding in the same car was probably the best idea either of them had in awhile.

“Luce,” he warned as the hand on his shirt slowly moved down to his stomach, “Above the belt, _please_. You're going to kill us.”

“But doesn't it sound hot, though?” Lu half-whispered, half-growled in his ear. “You driving down the freeway while I suck you off, trying not to lose control of yourself. Hand tangled in my hair so tight and you can't decide if you want to pull me off or slam me down on your cock, so you settle for just fucking into my mouth instead, trying so _hard_ to keep your eyes on the road.”

“Oh, fuck, _stop_.” He didn't miss the way Balthazar shifted in his seat, subtly spreading his legs to more than likely make some room.

Suddenly, teasing him was a whole lot of fun. “We never did talk about what we both wanted,” Lu kept murmuring, being good enough to at least adhere to the above-the-belt rule, but not removing his hands either. “ _Fantasies_ and all that.”

Really, he just wanted to forget what he had just nearly done. More importantly, he wanted  _Balthazar_ to forget it. No matter what the nagging anxiety told him in his head, he still wanted him. He still wanted to just try, just give him a chance, even if it would be just to see where things ended up. It was better than never knowing. It had to be. He was still scared of everything that Balthazar could do to him and his family, but trying things was better than going through with whatever the fuck that had been. They hurt each other. Or, to be more accurate, Lu had single handedly hurt them both. He never wanted to do that again, fears be dammed. It was much more fun to watch Balthazar squirm and stifle moans from just the things Lu could think up.

“Right now,” Balthazar paused to swallow, inadvertently training Luce's eyes in on his neck, “my _fantasy_ is to get back in one piece so that I can turn you into a moaning mess in my bed... or the elevator or the parking garage or any bloody place where I'm not bloody driving.”

Lu smirked. “I like it when you start talking like that, all  _bloody_ this and  _bloody_ that.”

“Stop,” Balthazar said again, this time laughing at the awful accent Lu tried and failed to impersonate.

With a chuckle himself, Luce trailed his hand back over that rock hard stomach, heaving chest, over his collar bone and onto his neck, pulling Balthazar closer to suck hard on the skin. He heard the blonde give a heated moan, felt a hand fly to his shoulder to faintly push him away, even as the other man unconsciously offered more of his neck. Still, he did as told and let go of the smooth skin with a little _smack_ , allowing his other hand to roam over himself. “Or maybe I did leave you alone, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself. You know how I am.” As Lu muttered again to him, lips brushing against the shell of his ear, the hand moving down Balthazar's neck lower and lower ever so slowly. “I would be sitting there just _thinking_ about you. Thinking about how your lips feel around my dick, how you fill me up so _fucking_ tight, how slow you go, how hard and fast. _Nghh_.” He bit his bottom lip, not sure anymore if he was doing it for the show he was putting on or just those thoughts in general. “You'd hear me moaning and gasping your name, and I'd be sitting next to you with a hand down my pants, and you wouldn't be able to do anything except listen and watch as I jerk off to you.”

“Luce,” Balthazar's warning voice sounded far more unsteady this time, especially when he glanced over and found Lu's other hand palming himself. The blonde's own hand found Lu's side, but neither seemed to be sure what he intended to do with the contact until he looked back out the front window. “Oh, thank _Christ_ , we're here.” If he turned into the garage any sharper, he might have broken someone's neck.

As it was, Lu was chuckling again. “You need to tell me what you want before we even get out of this damn car.” It was risky business, bringing all that up again. The last time he asked what Balthazar had wanted, it ended in a panic-induced tea episode. All the other times had just been basically “which way you want me to turn?” or “is that comfortable for you?” or something to that effect. Or, worse, Balthazar would playfully bring the question back around and Lu would never get an answer. “I mean it this time,” he said, watching goosebumps appear on the man's neck, “I  _need_ to make you feel so fucking perfect, Balthazar. I need to do it. You have no idea. Just tell me, baby. Whatever you want.” But Balthazar didn't like feeling vulnerable. He didn't like losing control like he always made Lu do. They had talked about it, so maybe asking  _again_ was toeing over the line. Maybe it was inconsiderate of him, especially after all those screams and confessions and bullshit that led them to this in the first place. The last thing he wanted to do was have all of this crashing down again.

But  _fuck_ . Balthazar fucking deserved to let go, to feel good, to be fucking  _loved_ . After all that shit he was saying about himself – Did he think that, too? Had he always? – Lu couldn't resist anymore.

“I- I don't know,” was the shaky answer he received as Balthazar parked the car, “but, _fuck,_ I want it now.”

As soon as both of their seat belts was off – not that Lu's was going to do much anyway with the way he was sitting – the younger man quickly found his mouth, pressing them both against the driver side door. “Good enough answer,” the strawberry blonde muttered in between kisses and breathes.

Apparently, Balthazar had been fumbling for the door handle the whole time, because suddenly he wasn't there anymore and the door was falling closed on him. Lu scrambled out of his side of the car, quickly jogging to his lover who was already smashing the button for the elevator. “Running away?” Lu asked, wrapping his arms around his waist.

Balthazar pushed back against his hips, laughing with a hint of a growl in his voice. “I'm definitely running  _towards_ something, if that's what you mean. And you're very bad at helping.”

“Well, you did say something about fucking in an elevator... Can I still not go below the belt?”

The blonde sucked on his bottom lip – which was fucking hot – seeming to think about the idea and all the people they may or may not run into between now and when they finally got into his loft. “How about,” and this surprised Lu quite a bit, “you keep telling me what you plan on doing to me.”

A lecherous smirk quickly spread across Lu's face as the elevator finally opened for them. They both entered, not releasing contact as Balthazar blindly pressed the button for his floor. “Well, if it's all up to me,” Lu breathed in his ear, hitching his hips just to elicit a beautiful gasp from the other man, “I'd keep on giving you a whole hell of a lot of promises. Tell you how hard I'm going to fuck you, tell you how much of a complete mess you'll be,  _promise_ you that you won't even know your name before I'm through.” Balthazar gasped again as Luce's hands traveled down his sides. “And then I'd finally get you to myself, have you all hot and bothered and ready for me to take you and do everything I've promised... Then I'd kiss you so slowly... Move my hands from your hair and over your back so gently...” His hands went along with the story, getting a heavy moan from the other man as his knuckles ran down his spine. “I'd lay you down and move my lips over every surface, leave bruises everywhere I could reach, mark you so  _everyone_ knew you were  _mine_ , until you just started begging me for more. I'd tie your hands up and start with one finger and keep going until you were so wide and moaning, then I'd go to two and three just like that. I'd bite your neck, grip your ass, and let my fingers fuck you so slowly until you were sobbing into the bed and begging for my cock and  _then_ I'd give it to you.” He started rocking his erection against Balthazar in time with his words, gaining another moan from the man as his hand flew back to Lu's ass and he practically leaned into him. He panted against Balthazar's ear, letting his fingers scratch down his sides and down to the front of his hips, holding him in place as he rocked slowly against him, careful to not even brush against the obvious erection there. “So slowly,” he whispered to him, softly thrusting in time with his words, “Just... like... that... I'd make it last... for  _hours_ ... And when I did  _finally_ let you cum-” The fingers of one hand brushed lightly against the erection, and Balthazar whimpered, hitching his hips. “But that's if it's up to me,” Lu muttered again, removing his hand but not stopping the thrusts as he kissed Balthazar's neck.

“You want to fuck me like that?” the blonde asked, voice huskier than he'd ever heard it.

“I want to give you what you want.”

For a moment, the only sound between them was the heavy breathing. Then the elevator opened to Balthazar's door and the older man swallowed. “I want you to fuck me like that.”

Lu's hands quickly started digging in Balthazar's pockets, eventually finding his keys. “Reminds me of our first time,” he nearly laughed as the other man tugged him along to the door, “You know, making out in the elevator and all.”

“Oh, don't start making fucking small talk,” Balthazar grumbled, despite the little chuckle he tried to suppress.

Lu could hear the smile as he unlocked the door with one hand, the other still on his lover, whose hands were  _finally_ trailing along his torso. “It's part of my charm,” he said as the door opened for them.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Balthazar was kissing him hard, either forgetting about the earlier promise or just way too excited to not get a move on right now. Both of their shirts came off in a rush, and Lu had to remind himself to slow down, no matter what the other man was trying to do. He had a mission tonight.

But then his legs- his  _back_ found Balthazar's bed as the blonde scrambled on top of him in a heated frenzy, sucking on every piece of Lu's neck he could get. Catching the small glance of Balthazar's pupils blown so fucking wide also didn't help with Lu himself being so turned on. Finally, he just threw his hands to Balthazar's back, basically slapping him and finally gaining his attention.

When the blonde looked back to him however, his gaze lingered on his face for about half a second before he glanced over his head. Lu tilted his face up just in time to see the bewildered kitten starring at them and Balthazar scaring him with his hand. “Cocoa, shoo!”

_That_ just caused Lu to descend straight into a fit of giggles, not matter how un-sexy it might have been. The cat quickly jumped off the bed, and the distraction lasted long enough for Lu to remember all his promises. His knees locked around Balthazar's hips as he easily flipped them over, putting him on top.

To his surprise, Balthazar looked to be in the same humor with a giant smile on his face and the happiest fucking look in his eyes Lu had ever seen. “I love it when you laugh like that.”

He knew there was a smile on his face, too, as he looked down at that beautiful man beneath him, just looking so fucking  _happy_ right now. It was so much at once. This was all just so much to take in right now. “I love you,” Lu said again, leaning down to quickly capture Balthazar's lips. The older man leaned up to meet his kiss, but he didn't dare rush it. Even after their lips spread apart for one another, Lu's tongue moved along slowly, lazily, accidentally gaining a deep moan from the man beneath him. There was only so much slowness he could take right now.

Lu leaned back up, taking off his belt and grabbing Balthazar's wrist, pulling them over his head. “Tell me if I hurt you,” he muttered, tying the old, soft leather around his wrists, trying to make it secure but comfortable.

“I will,” Balthazar muttered back, and Lu couldn't help but kiss him again when the belt was finally around his wrists.

“Does it hurt? Is it uncomfortable?” Balthazar shook his head. “Your shoulders-”

“ _Luce_...” The blonde bucked between them, “It's fine. _Please_...”

He really hoped that, somehow, Lu gained a little more patience with this later on. For now, he just started working on Balthazar's jeans, forcing himself to  _slowly_ undo them and pull them off, even as the other man breathed heavier and helped as much as he could by bending his hips this way and that. This was going to be unbearable for them both... but so worth it... He twisted around to find the lube and condoms, quickly coming back to Balthazar's waiting neck. The man was naked and tied beneath him, and he loved it  _so_ much.

Still, Lu did as promised even after acquiring the lube he needed to move things forward, but he mostly just wanted Balthazar to know that he could go faster and refused to. He traced his teeth down the blonde's chest, leaving bruises and bites wherever he fancied, leaving a line down his stomach. By the time he started sucking hard at a spot right below Balthazar's naval, the other man was whining and subtly hitching his hips against him. He wasn't begging or panting his name or anything, but when Lu looked up to see his face, Balthazar was staring down at him, sucking hard on his lower lip.

If that wasn't debauched- Lu kept his eyes on his, slowly moving back up the way he came, making sure to leave a well placed bite next to his ribs. Balthazar whined again, eyes closing and head falling back, allowing Lu to grab up the bottle of lube without him knowing and slicking his fingers. By the time he made it to Balthazar's collarbone, the man was moaning beneath him, bucking his hips harder between them for any bit of contact. Without much in the way of a warning, Lu quickly found his entrance and inserted the first finger.

Balthazar gasped beneath him, eyes flying open at the surprise. “Oh, Luce,” he moaned, rutting against his hand, “Oh God, more.”

Finally, he was begging. “More? Already?” Lu moved his finger in and out at a respectable pace, not even surprised at how easy it was. “But we just started.” He moved his finger as deep as he could inside him.

The blonde's head fell back against the bed, and Lu could see the muscles in his arms twitching from want. “ _Luce_ ...” He moved his hips in time with the rhythm, trying like hell to get more friction.

_He's already gone_ , Lu thought to himself with a bit too much pride,  _He's already lost it_ . With that heady thought, he entered the second finger, earning a beautifully wanting gasp. Maybe Balthazar was well over the edge for the first time since Lu met him, but he still didn't want to rush this. He still wanted to go just as slowly as he promised.

After a few more pleas and begs, he finally entered the third digit, his fingers moving so obscenely easily inside of the other man. “Oh, Luce,  _yes_ , keep moving. Oh God, more, please,  _more_ . Oh love, yes.”

Lu leaned forward, even keeping the state of mind to check on the belt – still secure and didn't seem to be leaving any marks – before kissing his jaw. “What do you want, Balthazar?”

“I want you,” he gasped louder, “Oh Jesus, I want you so badly. Luce, I need you.”

Lu licked his way from Balthazar jaw to his earlobe. “What do you want me to do?”

“ _Fuck me_. Please, Luce. I want your cock in me. Please. Oh _fucking_ \- Please, Luce. I want you to fuck me. I want- _Oh God_ , please.”

Lu was already pulling down his jeans and boxers with one hand from Balthazar's pleas.  _Finally_ , something that he wanted. He pulled his hand free – earning an almost heartbreaking whimper from his lover – to finish removing his clothes and to roll on the condom and apply a heavy amount of lube. He wanted this to last awhile.

His mouth, suddenly feeling extremely dry, found Balthazar's in a heated kiss as he slowly entered him. The cry of pure pleasure against his lips sent shivers down his spine and he vaguely felt the blonde pull against his confines. Lu broke from the kiss to gain some breath, leaving Balthazar to moan wildly beneath. “Oh, Luce, yes _, yes_ . Move, fucking hell! Move, please,  _fuck_ .”

Gripping at the sheets until his knuckles turned white, Lu obliged him and moved out so slowly and so far that he almost threatened to leave completely before thrusting hard back in. Balthazar cried out loudly, “Oh,  _yes, Luce_ . Oh God,  _yes_ ,” so Lu kept up the pace, moving slow but going hard, turning his lover into a moaning, gasping, begging mess beneath him. He let his ears burn with Balthazar's words for a long while as the  _harder_ 's and  _faster_ 's were noted but ignored. Lu licked his lips and just watched him writhe beneath him as he purposely brushed against the spot he knew his prostate was every time, slowly trailing his nails over Balthazar's skin and over the marks he had left behind. It was so fucking  _hard_ to keep going this slow, listening to that man, watching him squirm and cry and moan, knowing that he nearly  _missed this_ . Balthazar never lost control with him like this and he never planned to... Maybe Lu's stupidity was somehow a good thing...

Then Balthazar's moans suddenly changed. “I love you. I love you. Oh God,  _yes_ , please.  _Please_ . I love you.  _Je t'aime. Je t-_ _Ah, Luce!_ _Je t'aime!_ ”

Lu's nails dug into the skin and his pace quickly picked up without his consent. Whatever slow pace he was torturing Balthazar with was completely forgotten. “You're so fucking beautiful,” he ground out through gritted teeth, watching the other man arch beneath him, trying to literally  _pound the words_ in to him. He bent down, changing the angle just so he could whisper it into his ear. “God, you're so fucking perfect, Balthazar. You're amazing, so beautiful, feel so good. I love you so much. You've no idea, no idea. I love you so much. You're so perfect, so perfect. I need you so badly. I need you forever. I love you, Balthazar. I love you. I love you.”

With another hitch of his hips and a loud, sharp cry out, Balthazar came between them in hot jets without ever being touched, tilting his head to the side as he came so hard. The sight alone was enough for Lu to follow after him, falling into Balthazar's neck in a loud moan of his own.

They stayed that way for a long time, just panting and breathing and trying to get their bearings together. Finally, Lu pulled out of him, a beautiful sigh ringing against his ears as his hands traveled over Balthazar's arms and to the belt. Another sigh came when he undid the knot and began to massage the blonde's wrists. “How does it feel?”

Balthazar took a few more deep breaths before answering. “Stiff,” he finally said, barely opening his eyes, “A little sore, but I'm okay.”

“Good,” Lu breathed, slowly taking Balthazar's lips again in a languid kiss before rolling to his side and pulling him close in his arms, feeling his lover do the same. He could fall asleep just like this and never wake up... if only he didn't have other commitments... Speaking of- “I gotta know, because she's going to ask...” Balthazar only hummed beside him, nose buried into his neck like he didn't plan to move for the next week. “Would you say we're official now?”

He felt a smile form against his skin. “Only if you think so,” the blonde said, pulling away just enough to look at him, “ _boyfriend_ .”

“Oh, please don't.”

Balthazar chuckled and lightly kissed his lips, pulling Lu in closer to him. “I love you,” he said again, making Lu just kiss him back.

They could have stayed that way for at least a day or two if the Black Eyed Peas didn't interrupt them. They both groaned in annoyance, recognizing Balthazar's ring tone before the blonde muttered, “fuck it,” and began kissing him again.

Then ACDC's Back In Black started playing and they both grumbled while pulling apart, half-heartedly going through their clothes. Lu accidentally found Balthazar's phone first and handed it to him just before he found his own damn thing. To be honest, he would have quickly hit decline if it had been anyone else, but he answered. “Better be good, Gabriel.”

“ _Damn right, it's good_ ,” his younger brother began with way too much attitude. “ _I know you're breaking up with that guy before I can even meet him. Do you even know how fucking happy you've been lately? Besides, Lily's all upset-_ ”

“What? The hell you mean she's upset? What are you talking about?”

“ _Cas told me everything!_ ” Lu's fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, vowing to murder Castiel as soon as he got the chance... He'd probably have to kill Dean, too, though and that was where the problems started. His train of thought was derailed by his brother. “ _You can't break up with that guy just because you're fucking scared! Everyone's scared of big relationships like that! And Cas even told me how much this guy cares about you. He says this Balthazar doesn't shut up about you and you're just going to casually go and break his damn heart all because you're scared?_ ”

“We didn't break up, you ass!” Lu didn't like all the assumptions flying around his group of friends lately, but something else occurred to him before he could finish the thought. “And what the hell you mean he's talked to Cas? They don't know each other.”

“ _Like Hell they don't! Cas says he's known him for years!_ ”

“That's stupid. I would've-”

He looked over to Balthazar, who was arguing through his own conversation. “Cas, calm down. We didn't break things off. Everything's fine. You're being so melodramat-” Their eyes met and Lu could faintly hear Gabriel's screeching through his own phone and Castiel's sobbing apologies through the other. They stared at one another until Balthazar brought said phone to his ear, “I have to go,” and hung up.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter contains talk about mental illness, hallucinations, and a mention of suicide as an fyi. Also, this is going to be my only chapter for this weekend. Sorry, folks!

“You know, everything makes a whole lot more sense now.”

“I am so bloody sorry. I completely understand if you're angry. You have every right.”

“I'm not mad, Balthazar. Confused, but...” Lu was pretty sure he couldn't really be angry at the other man right now even if his emotions would have been completely valid. After everything they said, after that beautiful round of sex, the most negativity he could feel right now is confusion and mild annoyance. For now, he just sat in the middle of Balthazar's bed – completely naked – having just gotten off the phone with his also confused but far more annoyed brother. “I really can't believe I didn't just figure it out, but why didn't you two ever say anything?”

“I asked him not to.” Balthazar's frown couldn't get much deeper and Lu just wanted to kiss it off of him, but that would distract from getting some answers. The blonde rubbed the back of his neck, sitting on the edge of the bed and obviously avoiding looking at Lu. “I was telling him about you and he figured out that we all knew each other. Cassie wanted to say something, but I basically begged him to keep it secret. Shouldn't have, I suppose. Too much mess.”

Cassie? That's new. “But why?”

The blonde shrugged, not unlike the five – no, _six_ – year old. “I- I wanted to know... what you really thought of me... Sort of a man behind the curtain and all that... I don't think Cas saw it that way, but we had just started seeing one another and I was being stupid again.”

“It's not stupid.” He waited a moment, but Balthazar didn't respond or make a move, so he frowned and continued. “I just wish one of you would have told me before... all of this started...”

Finally, the blonde turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“The whole-” He hated putting it in words. “-will we or won't we thing. Cas was all over my business about the two of us, so the fact that he actually knows you makes a lot more sense now.”

“What the hell did he do?” Clearly, Balthazar had gone from sheepish to annoyed on a rather quick dime.

Lu didn't like that either, but it was better than the shy and nearly abused look. “Told me I was an idiot for breaking things off with you,” Luce shook his head. “Nothing major, though I'm surprised and almost disappointed he didn't give me a broken nose.” Again, Balthazar said nothing. “How did you two meet anyway? I knew him in college.”

“Oh, um...” The other man cleared his throat and looked away again, falling on his back in a way that could have been disguised as a comfortable deposition if his eyes wouldn't look so damn worried. “Hawaii. We met when we were young.”

“Hawaii?”

“He's from there. Or his grandparents are, rather.” Suddenly, in some massive twist, Balthazar seemed to already know far more about Cas than Lu ever did... which was still strange since he only just found out that they knew each other at all. “I lived there for a year and we became fast friends,” he went on, “After we left, I ran into him again about three years later, then again after another two. We eventually exchanged numbers and kept in touch. To be perfectly honest, he was the one that had me move here in the first place. Told me it was quiet and all that. Out of the way.”

Now this part, Lu knew, but it just brought up a few more questions to mind. With the way he was talking-... “Cas didn't move here until after he and Dean started dating.”

Balthazar nodded. “Like I said, I've only been here a few years myself.”

“So... you two weren't together?”

Those blue eyes finally shot to Luce and a big smile spread across Balthazar's face. “Oh,  _please_ ! I love the man to death, but Castiel is way too tame for me.” He laughed, but the smile eventually deteriorated slowly and softly. “No, Luce. We didn't date.”

One night stands weren't out of the question, though, and Lucifer knew it. Maybe there were unresolved feelings there, too. It was the only thing he could think of giving that stressed out state Balthazar seemed to be in. “Then what is it you aren't telling me?”

He didn't even bother to feign ignorance on the topic. Luce watched him give another hard swallow, a somewhat nervous tick Balthazar had that made Lu want to lick his lips. Then his chest heaved a deep breath and Lu was momentarily thrown back to their situation about eight minutes ago. “It's nothing,” Balthazar said, pitching the strawberry blonde back into the present, “At least, it's nothing about Cas. There's just a lot more that I purposefully haven't told you about, and I feel that I should before we... continue this.” The last words were dropped off into an uncertain whisper, like he was suddenly unsure of what to call this when just a second ago they were giggling like teenage girls over the word  _boyfriend_ .

“Are you scared to tell me?”

“Yes.”

Lu bit his lip. “Does Cas know about it?”

“... Yes.”

But he was still afraid to tell  _him_ and the reasons were obvious. It didn't seem to matter how hard they fucked or how many times Lu said it, Balthazar still didn't feel loved enough by him. “You don't have to say anything now. You can take your time. It's okay.”

“No,” he shook his head, “I need to before we keep going. I should have before we even came back here. I should have stopped you at the park or- or something.” Balthazar turned his head to stare at _Archangel_ and away from Lu.

This didn't look like it was going to be an easy conversation. “You've been telling me to talk for days...”

“I know. I know. It's just that I... don't really know where to start... And I mean- I don't know, Luce. I didn't expect to have to tell you this.”

“It's in the past, whatever it is.” Maybe it was the new found love and the rose tinted glasses of the situation leading Lu to say this, despite his burning curiosity. “You don't have to if you don't want to. I trust you.”

At that, shockingly, Balthazar began to laugh. It wasn't the usual breathy, happy, deep sound. It was sarcastic, hurtful, and Lu's frown deepened. The older man put a hand to his face, taking another deep breath. “No,” he muttered and everything suddenly seemed a lot more serious, “I need to tell you... in case it happens again.” His arm fell back to his side, taking another deep breath, but keeping his eyes closed.

Luce didn't know what to say anymore. He didn't know what this was about, but he hated all of the depressing tension suddenly with them. Why couldn't they go back to the lighthearted feeling of before? They could hold each other close while Balthazar told him between kisses, “By the way, I'm divorced” or “Me and Cas slept together quite a bit” or “I'm actually an alien from the planet Gliese 581d and I'm here to eat your brains” or literally anything, so long as they just got it done and over with. It was all he could do to just stay quiet, sit still, and wait.

“I-... Um...” Balthazar rubbed his thumb over his knuckles with furrowed brows, never actually opening his eyes. “I had a break some years ago. Ended up having to go to a long term residential place. That's pretty much how my last relationship ended, too. The one that I said ended like a shuttle might explode, remember?”

He did, but it didn't help his understanding. “Yeah, but-... What are you talking about? A residential place?”

“A mental hospital, Lu.”

His face fell... and he was  _still_ confused. “What?”

“There was just a lot going on at the time...”

“Wha-” Okay. Okay, okay. He had to shut his mouth for a second and think. Balthazar's been in a long term mental hospital... _somewhere_ in the world, God knows where. Did the guy think he'd have some sort of problem with that? But Balthazar was talking about it in such a rushed summary, sparing any details that might even make it seem plausible. “What happened?”

“I was seeing things.”

Why the fuck was he staying so distant from the subject? He would understand if the blonde just didn't want to talk about it, that's completely understandable, but it somehow didn't feel that way. The issue wasn't telling someone, it was telling  _Lu_ . “Balthazar...” The other's mouth twitched, licking his lips, and slowly clenching, unclenching his hand over and over. “If you don't want to tell me the rest-”

“No, I-!” Balthazar swallowed again and took a few more deep breaths. “No, I need to tell you everything. I'm sorry. It's just-” He shook his head, but Lu was smart enough to fill in the words. He wanted to reach out and hold him, but somehow he was almost sure that Balthazar wouldn't be okay with that. “I, um... lost my family. My mother of cancer, father of suicide, sister and brother in the same car accident, all in the span of about a week. When mum was diagnosed, we settled down near Bristol for her to get treatment but that's how well that went. After traveling for so long, there was no one else in the world other than us, so when they were all gone...”

He spoke of it all far too nonchalantly for it to seem real. Luce bit his lip again, watching Balthazar closely in case he... may be needed. For now, he didn't seem to be... but Balthazar also seemed like he was the only one in the room, talking to damn ceiling instead of him.

“I had already shacked up with someone. Bartholomew. Called him Barty. The man could be an arse at times, worse than you could be, but he was funny and smart and knew his wine well enough. I cared about him more than I had in any relationship before then, but at the same time I'm not sure if I was ready for wedding bells or something of the sort. We got along, but I don't know. Maybe that's time talking... I don't know. But he was good to me when it all happened. Patient, quiet, listening, all of that. It just wasn't enough, so I poured myself into work or reading or video games or television or anything that wasn't reality and before I knew it, it was Thursday.”

Lu furrowed his brow. “Thursday?”

“I hadn't slept in five days,” Balthazar sighed. “He tried to make me sleep. Took me to the doctor and everything when he figured out what was happening to me. It didn't work, whatever they did. I don't even remember anymore. I just remember the voices and- I don't know how long I didn't sleep. Or if I did or not. I don't know. It just got worse from there...”

Balthazar trailed off, his eyes open now just enough for Lu to see a spark of blue, but nothing else was spoken. He glanced around the loft for a moment... “What happened?”

Again, the blonde licked his lips and took another hard swallow, but Lu wasn't distracted this time. “They said it was stress,” he sighed, “After about a week I began to see shapes and shadows. Ten days, the voices started. Just something calling after me or people talking to one another in the next room. I would search the house, turn everything upside down to find the sources. I couldn't really understand them at times, but I could hear them and I just assumed... everyone else could, too. I didn't realize it wasn't real, I just-... Then they started talking to me... Then I  _really_ started to see things... That's when Barty left me.”

Suddenly, like a switch being flicked on, Lu was filled with anger. “He fucking  _what_ ?”

“He got me help first,” Balthazar went on, unaware of Lu's temper. “I had plenty of money after all the life insurance and he knew it. I still do, actually. That's how I still get around so much. I'm surprised you hadn't wondered that. Tattoo's aren't exactly a gold mine.”

“ _Balthazar_.” No. Hell fucking no. He needed to back up right now. “The fuck you mean- What the hell happened?”

“It wasn't- _argh_...” He put a hand to his forehead, looking defeated for some reason, before turning towards _Archangel_ again. “It started talking to me.” Lu looked between him and the painting twice before catching on, but Balthazar continued quietly and slowly before he could say anything. “Said it was an angel... Never gave a name, just that it was an archangel of God or some bullshit nonsense... Anyway, it told me that it was brought here to guide me. I still don't know where to, but it hated me. It didn't tell me to do things or anything like that. That was everyone's first question. It just told me things. That I deserved to die with them, that I should be gone and not them, that I didn't deserve to continue living. Things like that.

“I kept it to myself for nearly two days, but talk like that wears a person down when it's so constant like... and from an angel at that... Barty was very religious, one of the many ways he and I differed, so I went to him first for help. I didn't know I was hallucinating. I just told him that an angel had come down from Heaven to talk to me, to tell me those things. He said it was the devil speaking to me like that... He called an ambulance, afraid I would hurt something, and I was in the hospital that afternoon. He made it clear that we were through. It was sudden and should have shocked me, but it didn't, not with my angel there.

“Ever since then, I've had bouts of insomnia. It's never talked to me again, but I would still see it every now and then. Eventually, I painted him on the wall, thinking that I could trap him there or something of the sort. I don't know. I think I was on day nine when I did that... but it worked. I never saw him since. I told Cas everything after I was out of the hospital and that's why he suggested I move here. When he first saw this painting, he said it was disturbing, told me that he would help me paint over it if I wanted. I understand why people would think that, but it's really not. I mean... I beat him. I know it's not real. It's just a painting. Honestly, it just makes me feel better on most days.”

Every painting on these walls was done because of insomnia, Lu knew. He just never thought it was that bad or-... Did he still see things sometimes? Hear them? Lucifer moved until he was on his hands and knees, inching closer until one arm was on either side of Balthazar.

Again, before he could get a word out – he was trying to figure out what the right word was – the older man looked up to him with his bright blue eyes, almost terrified but still stable. “Look... Luce, I know that... this is weird. I understand if it freaks you out, honestly I do. I just needed you to know... but I should have told you much sooner and I'm so sorry that I didn't.”

“Balthazar...” Finally, he got him to shut up for half a second. The anger from fucking _Barty's_ exit was gone and forgotten, especially while looking at those tired, sad eyes. “It's okay.”

It was almost as if he was terrified of putting his guard down. Balthazar chewed on his lip, flexing his fist again. “Luce... Sometimes it-... It still-”

“It's okay,” he said again, softer, closer, letting one of his hands rub circles into his shoulder. There was a lot he wanted to say. That he loved him, that hallucinations and insomnia weren't enough to make him run from this, that he was better than whatever the fuck kind of asshole Balthazar had once dated. That if it did happen again and it did get worse, then they would go through it together. That if Balthazar was willing to hold on to him after being a jackass for the past few weeks, then he was definitely not going to be the first one to let go. He wanted to say all that and more, but... Balthazar was crying.

He had only caught sight of one tear and had no time to react before the blonde flipped them over in a kiss. It was hard and rough and rushed, and Lu had to turn them both on their sides before he could gain any control over it. He broke free of the kiss twice, three times before slowing to a short, soft kiss on the side of his lover's mouth, feeling his lips give such a small tremor in the process. Lu didn't even bother to open his eyes. He just kissed slowly and softly up Balthazar's cheek, kissing away the tears he found as his fingers traced shapes along the sides of his face. When he made it up further, brushing his lips against each eyelid so softly that he vaguely wondered if Balthazar even felt it, a sob met his ears. Lu pulled him to his chest, kissed his temple and hair more times than he could count, and held him until the tears stopped.

* * *

After another softer, slower round of sex and over two hour's worth of talking, Balthazar offered to drive him back to the park for his car. Lu, however, had a different idea in mind and only prayed he wouldn't live to regret it as he knocked on Gabriel's door. It took another knock and the sounds of grumbling on the other side before the thing flew open and his brother instantly locked glares with him... until his brown eyes found the companion beside him.

“... Well, this is a twist.”

Lu's smile went from conniving to soft when the blonde chuckled beside him and stuck out his hand, almost looking to have all the confidence in the world. “Balthazar. I'm suspecting your Gabriel.”

“You'd be right,” the youngest brother answered, giving his signature shit eating grin and shaking Balthazar's hand. “I know _exactly_ who you are.”

Lu smirked as their hands released. “Yeah, thanks to Lily.”

“More like thanks to you two making out in freaking barroom,” Gabriel barked a laugh, “Classic! Who knew you were Sammy's tattoo guy, too.”

The blonde grinned as Lu subtly remembered that whole ordeal. “Everyone walks into my shop at least once in their life.”

At that, Luce couldn't suppress a snarky grin himself. “Was that a sales pitch? Really?”

Balthazar shrugged. “Man's gotta make a living.”

“Anyway,” Lu rolled his eyes with a laugh, “we came by to pick up Lily. Thought we'd bring her out to eat or something.”

“Well, you came to the right place.” Gabriel turned to look back in his apartment. “Chipmunk, guess who's here?”

He heard Balthazar laugh, “chipmunk,” right before the inevitable, “Daddy!” Then the little feet peter patted against the floor and stopped just as she came into view and caught sight of their guest. That's when she really broke out in a run. “ _Balthazar!_ ”

The blonde made an “ _oomf_ ” sound as she collided with him at top speed. “It's good to see you, too, little one,” he chuckled, reaching down enough to grab and haul her up to his level, resting her on his hip. The whole time, Lily's face stayed buried on him somewhere. “Did you enjoy your party? Get lots of presents?”

“Yes!” she said, finally breaking away to look at him. Surprising to Lu – though he was happy about it – there was no waterworks in her eyes. “I got lots of toys and movies and stuff. And we had cake and ice cream, too!”

“You did? I'm terribly sorry I didn't go, darling.”

“It's okay,” she mumbled against his shirt, already hugging him again, “You can go next year.”

The smile that broke across Balthazar's face, the complete and utter happiness in his eyes, made Lu grit his teeth though only to bite back his own swelling heart beat. The day had already been an emotional roller coaster, but his hand found the small of the blonde's back anyway as the other man kissed his baby on the top of the head. “Next year it is, then.”

When Lu looked back to Gabriel, who now seemed to be joined by Sam, it was obvious that the small moment wasn't lost on the younger brother. Instead of the usual blackmail grin, though, it was borderline sincere. Lu cleared his throat. “Thanks for looking after her, Gabe.”

He just waved off the gratitude. “You kids go have some fun. I'll give your man the full twenty questions later.”

Balthazar was the first to react, but it was just a chuckle as he turned away with Lily in his arms. “I look forward to the challenge.”

“Bye, Uncle Gabe! Bye Sammy!” she called, finally looking up from her hiding place and waving over Balthazar's shoulders.

Lu gave a wave, too, following the pair as the blonde man asked her, “remember when I said that I'd make missing your party up to you?”

Sam watched them leave, a permanent confused stare etched into his face. Finally, he pointed at the retreating figures. “Isn't that guy-....?”

Gabriel nodded. “My future brother-in-law, yes.”

* * *

True to their word, they had taken Lily out to meal on the town. At first, Lu couldn't decide if it was a date or not, but while watching Balthazar and his girl mock fight over the last bite of the cake they just shared, he decided he really didn't care what this was labeled as anymore. Whatever it was, it was theirs.

It was only after the three of them got back to Lu's apartment, keeping Lily up a little pass her bedtime, and her finally getting put into bed, while he and Balthazar casually flirted in the kitchen, standing much too close with big smiles on either of their faces, something akin to a giggle slipping out every other moment, that something finally occurred to Lucifer like a brick to the face. He blinked. “My car's at the park.”

Balthazar stopped his earlier chuckle, a small blush evident on his features, and stared back... before giving another peal of laughter, trying hard not to be too loud. “Well then... I suppose that means I'll see you bright and early. Do you work tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Lu sighed, biting his lip in thought for the hundredth time that day. Slowly, wondering if this was okay or not, he looked back up to his lover. “Or... you could just stay?”

Balthazar's face fell in surprise. He had asked for Lu to stay the night at his place countless times. Probably every time after their fourth or fifth round of getting to know one another. “You're sure?”

The other glanced towards the hallway, knowing already what he was thinking. “We don't have to...  _do_ anything if you don't want to. Just... if you want to stay-”

“I'd love to,” the blonde answered a bit too quickly. A smile slowly spread on both of their faces and their foreheads met. “Yes, I'd love to.”

That night, Lu slept better than he had in recent memory, with Balthazar's arms wrapped tight around him.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, only one chapter this week. This time I've been dreaming about a Soul Eater AU where Balthazar is the weapon (an angel sword) and Luci's his meister and they go on adventures together and fall in love and I NEED TO STOP DOING THESE THINGS AND WRITE STUFF
> 
> also there's accidental porn, I'm sorry

The night before, when Lu threw him a pair of old sweatpants to wear as pajamas with that giddy looking grin of his, Balthazar didn't bother to think why a single man would possibly need or want a queen sized bed. His one and only concern had been to quickly slip between the sheets, pull the other warm body as close to him as possible, and just breathe in his scent until sleep unfortunately took him. Now, at 6:30 am, just as the first few rays of sunlight began filtering through the dark teal curtains, he could see why. Lu didn't know how to keep still.

It happened all through the night – and he could recall it now that he was officially awake – but the shifting movements finally made him pry his eyes open to figure out what the hell was crawling around in bed with him. But this wasn't his loft. Or his bed. And the day before rushed back in a wave of warm memories.

Balthazar didn't care that Lu woke him up so early. Because of the recurring insomnia, he usually woke up pretty early anyway. This was particularly special, though, since it gave him a moment to just watch Lu sleep. When they had gone to bed the night before, they were spooning with Balthazar's arms wrapped tightly around Lu's torso. Now the strawberry blonde was facing him, but he seemed to be a championship snuggler so it wasn't easy to watch Lu's face as he slept so peacefully, but Balthazar managed to try it anyway.

He stayed that way for the next twenty or thirty minutes, resting easily with a smile on his face while his fingers absently traced circles on to Lu's back. This was amazing. Waking up like this was amazing. It was more than he had ever dreamed or hoped for. Really, it was more than he deserved, but thoughts like that didn't linger for long. He would give anything to make this morning last forever just the way it was... or, more practically, he would give anything to wake up like this every morning. Even if it only consisted of silencing an alarm clock and glancing to the other still sleeping form as he quietly crawled out of bed. He would give anything for such a mundane existence.

Balthazar bowed his head lower, burying his nose and face into the mop of hair while his hand slowly and gently explored more of the vast expanse that Lu called his back. He even shifted a bit, making sure to go as slow as possible as his hand slipped under Lu's shirt to trail across the flesh there. The other man took a deep breath and let out a pleased sigh but never seemed to wake. That was fine with Balthazar and he wasn't about to push any boundaries like this – even if he thought about it for half a second – but his hand and fingers kept moving, tracing the outline of Lu's shoulder blade, down the little valley until he found the spine and began following it down like the flow of a river. He could have mapped out Lu's back all day long until he got about halfway and Lu shivered, suddenly wrapping his arms around Balthazar and pulling them closer together. His breathing and light snoring suggested that he was still asleep, so the blonde quickly began resuming his efforts, trailing down the back again. He had plans of going back up once he reached the hips and maybe tracing over the muscles as he went, maybe going across the ribs and around to Lu's front. From there, he would probably just play it by ear, if only he got that far.

Once his fingers reached Lu's lower back, the man froze. Balthazar froze with him, fearing he had already pushed things too far – like really, he couldn't keep his damn hands to himself for a couple of hours? - until a faint, breathy laugh caught his ears. “It's been years since I woke up to someone taller than three feet. You scared me.”

Well, at least he was laughing. “Sorry, love.” Balthazar kissed the top of Lu's head just as lightly as his fingers danced across the skin earlier. Which, thinking on it, he removed the hand from under his shirt. “I honestly didn't mean to wake you. Or frighten you.”

“I believe you,” Lu answered, beginning to stretch. In the process, he pulled away just enough to see Balthazar... if he bothered to open his eyes. “I like it when you're handsy, anyway.”

“I believe you,” Balthazar softly laughed in return.

He caught the blues of Luce's eyes for just a second before they closed again and the strawberry blonde moved forward for a kiss. Balthazar easily returned it, relishing how soft and slow and lazy it was. This was amazing. He felt one of Lu's hands tangle into his hair as he pulled himself closer still. Waking up like this was amazing.

Eventually, the kiss slowed more and Lu pulled away again, mumbling out without opening his eyes, “Mmm... What time is it?”

“Nearly seven,” he answered without looking at the clock. He had been glancing to it all morning.

The answer seemed to please Luce even more according to the smile that swept over his face and the way he quickly buried himself into Balthazar's neck. “Good... Plenty of time to lay around.”

And lay around they did for at least ten to fifteen minutes. Lu was snuggled close, breathing evenly into Balthazar's neck, but sleep didn't seem to take him again as the blonde would have guessed. He, on the other hand, felt wide awake. He could do anything, and he hadn't felt this happy since... well... probably yesterday. A silent voice told him that this wouldn't last, it was just the glow of a new love and would fade in time. Unlike his usual habit of ignoring these thoughts, Balthazar acknowledged it and even accepted it because it didn't matter. Maybe moments like this would only happen once in a blue moon. Who cares? So long as they were together, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

“Luce?”

“Hmm?”

“I'm curious... Has there been anyone else?” No, it didn't matter so far as their relationship was concerned, but it may matter to Lily. Though, that's not what led him to ask. The little one had talked as if it had always been just her and her father for the last six years, then there was the comment of not waking up with anyone... Prior to meeting the man in his arms, if Balthazar wanted to have a fun night, he went out to find it. Somehow, that didn't seem like something Lu would do, child or no.

Luce hummed to himself, seeming to consider the question and thankfully not taking it the wrong way. “Romantically or-?”

“Romance, yeah.”

“No one.”

He said it so easily, yet it somehow made Balthazar's heart fall to his feet. No one? _No one?_ That didn't seem right. How could he possibly be the first? That didn't make sense. Not for a man like Lu. He was brilliant, naturally charming, adorable, handsome, fucking sexy, and his daughter was to absolutely die for. How could a person, literally any other person, not fall for him? “Not even in high school?”

For some inconceivable reason, Luce chuckled. “You obviously haven't seen my senior photo.”

“Maybe you're just a bad flirt,” Balthazar thought aloud, earning another lazy chuckle. It still didn't make sense. It made him concerned, angry, and anxious all at once. He was literally the first... And he didn't want to think about how much he could hurt Lu if things somehow went badly. That didn't matter either. He wasn't going to hurt him. “What about... for other activities?”

“Oh, plenty of that,” Lu muttered against his neck. “Had time for sex, just no time for dating... Well, in college anyway... You know Cas?”

“... Yes?” He didn't know if he liked where this was going.

“You know his boyfriend, right?”

“Dean?” Oh, he definitely didn't like where this was going.

Lu nodded. “Yeah. His brother. Sam.”

Okay, now he was confused. “Sam?”

“Yeah, you know him.” He did? “He referred me to your shop, remember? Giant with the gun on his shoulder?”

He had to blink twice before the memory came back. “The one with the sugar skulls?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes, right. Hell, I remember him. Of course.”

“We were roommates.”

“Really?” Lu didn't answer. After two beats of silence, it finally hit him in the face. “ _Really?_ ”

Lu seemed to think his reaction was funny. “Does it bother you?”

“No.” Even after saying it, he had to do a quick run down to figure out if it really did or not. Once coming to the conclusion that it really didn't bother him all that much, he remembered the guy again. “But goodness, he is tall.”

“It's been years since we were _together_.” Balthazar felt Lu's fingers make air-quotes against his back. “You don't have to worry about sizing him up. Besides, he's a big puppy dog. You can take him if you have to.”

“Thanks for the confidence.” He greatly hoped he would never be put in that corner, yet doubted it all the same. “Was he the last one then?”

“Between Ruby, he was the only one. Every now and then I touched base here and there, but it wasn't all that often. And, like I said, years ago.”

“What about since Ruby?” And that was his real question in the first place, though this new knowledge about Dean's brother was definitely useful.

“Not a soul.”

Balthazar blinked at the curtains and back to Lu for a moment. “Are you bloody kidding me?” Sure, it made all of this feel that much more stable and special but holy shit. That was five to six years ago. He hadn't had any in six  _years_ ? Either the man was a masochist or completely asexual... or maybe just a really busy and devoted father but  _six years_ .

“I did tell you it's been awhile.”

It's true. He did. “I bloody well hope it was worth it. Jesus. You could have told me. I would have tried to do better or something.”

Again, for some ridiculous reason that Balthazar couldn't see, Lu thought that was funny, too. “Do better?” He pulled away to look up at him, officially opening his eyes this time and still speaking in sleepy murmurs. “You fucking me like that was fucking amazing. It was more than worth it. Sucking me off and making me scream. Everything.”

“Well, at least I know you appreciated it.”

“Oh, I did.” Again, Lu leaned in for the kiss and again, Balthazar eagerly returned it. It was still lazy, still slow, but there was a heat and passion behind it that made him a bit too excited. Then Luce moaned and pushed against him until Balthazar was nearly on his back, feeling Lu's arm brace against the bed behind him.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it or that he hadn't noticed Luce's  _want_ brushing against him as they cuddled together between the sheets. Now the strawberry blonde was slowly climbing on top of him, never really leaving his lips the entire time.

Balthazar turned his head away only to feel Luce's lips trace down his neck. “The little one...”

Lu nearly laughed against him. “Lily won't wake up for hours. She sleeps like the dead,” he muttered, bringing his kisses around to the front of Balthazar's neck, sucking on what he knows to be a lovely spot.

Deciding to hell with it, the blonde gently arched beneath him, tilting his head back partly in pleasure and partly to give more room. He could feel Lu's smile against his skin as he went further, down to the hollow of his neck... But then Luce grimaced and let his forehead fall forward next to Balthazar's jaw as he tilted his head towards the clock. “Dammit.”

“What?” He hadn't heard anything. Was there something he'd forgotten? Did Lu have to be into work this early?

“You're going to laugh,” Lu sighed, burying his face back into Balthazar's body, but not resuming the kisses. Before Balthazar could press for information, Lu came out and said it. “I don't have condoms. Lube. Nothing. It's a static-free zone in here, man.”

That did make him laugh a little. “Plenty of lotion, I imagine.” When Lu shot him a look, Balthazar just bit his lip, feeling bad for him but no less amused. “There's other ways to have sex, Luce. You don't have to fuck me senseless just to get off.”

He expected something to be said, but Lu just stared at him and stayed that way for a moment too long to be just a pause. He could even believe, for a brief moment, Luce's eyes softened just a fraction in almost the same way they did when looking at his daughter... Balthazar felt his face get warmer under that stare. There was only so much of that he could take. “What?”

Lu blinked and the spell seemed to be broken, the disappointment surprising Balthazar, but immediately forgotten as the other man grabbed the waistband of his sweatpants, yanked them to his thighs, and went down. Balthazar barely had time to slap a hand over his mouth when Lu took him in and now he had to bite his fist just to keep moderately quiet.

Balthazar didn't like feeling vulnerable or losing himself during sex because of reasons already discussed. Because of this, he hadn't gotten a blow job from Lu before. And the man was pretty damn  _good_ . He watched with wide eyes as Lu dragged his tongue on the underside of his increasingly hard dick, especially since Lu's eyes never seemed to leave his. One hand rested firmly on his hips – which was a good idea because he was pretty sure he had already bucked at least once against him so far – while the other gripped him at the base. Then, after pulling off to nearly kiss the top of the head, he took more of him again... and more and more... Balthazar's head fell back once Luce had taken him all and,  _good lord_ , he felt so good. It was nearly torturous to restrain himself from just fucking into his hot, wet mouth. This-...  _This_ was amazing.

Lu moaned and bobbed his head against him. The vibration alone was about to kill him. Balthazar shot his hand down to pull at Lu's hair, catching sight again of those eyes watching every reaction he made. “Ah,  _God_ -” His free fist found his mouth again and his eyes might have screwed shut for a second, but there was no force on Earth that could keep him from watching. Lu's teeth raked lightly against his skin, tongue rolling, wrapping, and dragging, all while he moved faster and faster down on him.

Oh God, this was suddenly building very fast. Balthazar whined, accidentally bucking into his mouth – though the hand held him in place – as he gripped harder at Lu's hair. The strawberry blonde's eyes fluttered closed when he let out a moan of pure, unadulterated pleasure. Balthazar had to bite down hard.

Finally, his hand moved from his mouth to grip down at the sheets beneath and hold him up so that he could watch better. The pros and cons of that move were still being deliberated when Lu slightly twisted his head around and his throat and tongue and- “ _Luce_ .” How he hadn't came yet was a wonder in itself, but he felt like Lu would suck him dry if this kept up a few seconds longer. Oh  _God_ , it felt beautiful. The sheer amount of pressure, the build, the- “Luce, I'm-... I-”

The other man moaned again, opening his eyes to watch him. That was all it took. Balthazar bit his lip as his head fell back again, hand flying back to his mouth as a hard, deep groan escaped him. He could feel Luce still going through his orgasm, making his head fall to the side in something only described as a whimper. But oh  _God_ , he felt so good.

Once it was over and Balthazar was breathing hard, Lu pulled off of him with a little  _pop_ of his lips. The next thing he knew was Lu's mouth against his. And God, he  _tasted_ good.

In a new burst of energy from the taste of Luce and himself, Balthazar flipped them both over, intent on returning the favor. But a hand grabbed his shirt collar once he mastered Lu's boxers and pulled away from his lips. “No,” Luce muttered, breathy and hoarse, “Do what you want but don't stop kissing me.”

That was a strange and different request than the usual, but one he was definitely going to carry out. Balthazar made a show of licking his hand, watching closely as Lu's eyes – pupils blown so fucking wide – followed his tongue. He quickly crashed back into Lu's lips, his now slick hand quickly finding its goal. He worked fast and hard while his tongue burrowed into Lu's mouth, wanting as much of that taste as he could get. He could feel the other man buck against him, feel their cocks brush against one another, feel both of his hands tangled into his hair, and goodness this was a distracting task.

But he must have been doing something right – pressing his thumb to the head, jerking hard with Lu's hips as he tried grinding against the leg between his thighs – given to the way Lu gave another desperate moan that could probably have woken the whole apartment complex if it wasn't swallowed by Balthazar's lips. With another deep, bruising kiss and one more jolt of his hips, Lu groaned and growled against him. His hand didn't stop moving through the sudden orgasm, but his lips were forced to travel a bit as the strawberry blonde gasped for air in a wonderfully wanton way.

Then it was over just as quickly as it began. Lu took a few deep breaths before finding Balthazar's lips again to give back several quick, shallow kisses. The older blonde fell to his other side, this time on Lu's end of the bed if the night before was anything to go by, and for awhile they just stayed like that. A few kisses here and there, but mostly holding one another as close as possible.

How did this morning just keep getting better?

Lu moaned, snuggling right back into Balthazar's neck again. “I seem to recall breakfast being promised if I stayed a night. Since it's the other way around-”

The blonde smiled against him. “If you insist.”

“Bacon's the only alarm clock Lily listens to, anyway,” the other chuckled, pulling Balthazar close one more time to bite lightly at his neck. “I could probably stand to shower first.”

“Can I join? Saves time and all that.”

Lu chuckled again. “If you insist.”

With a smile and laugh of his own, Balthazar pulled away as Lu did to climb out of bed, searching the floor for his jeans and shirt from the night before since he really didn't have anything else to wear here. Spotting them on the dresser – absently reminding himself that, yes, he did put them there – Balthazar stood from the bed. Lu was already walking across the room when his phone rang.

Balthazar glanced to it, frowning at such an early phone call, before moving to his own clothes. He frowned more when Lu looked at it and hung up. “Something wrong?”

“Nah,” Lu answered, tossing the phone back on the bed. “It's a 1-800 number. Fuckin' marketers.”

“That's a shame. I'd prefer you fucked me instead, but I understand.”

“Shut up,” Lu laughed, striding over in two steps to kiss him again.

After their shower – which included no sex but was highly entertaining nonetheless – and breakfast began to cook, Lily stumbled into the kitchen in the night gown she had on last night, rubbing her sleepy eyes and dragging a stuffed animal Balthazar hadn't seen before. When she saw him, the little one stared before demanding why she wasn't informed of the sleepover, the first words out of her mouth that morning.

* * *

“What do you think of him?”

Cas glanced over to Gabriel. They were sitting out on Castiel's back porch, watching the sun go down over beer while the Winchesters crowded around the steadily cooking food. Dean and Sam had the idea of an impromptu barbecue and the former offered their place for the meal. Made sense. They were the only ones with a yard and pit, after all. Though, Cas had suspected that Sam brought up the idea as a way to thank Gabriel for all the hospitality lately seeing as how his place seemed to be back in worker order... and had been for the last two weeks. Whatever was going on between them was kind of adorable, but no prying on Cas' end had either of them opening up.

But whatever Gabriel was talking about now eluded him. “Of who?” They were just talking about Alfie, the dog, which led to a small conversation about Lily and how excited she seemed to be for school. After that, Cas was lost.

“The new man,” Gabe clarified, “Luci's guy, Balthazar. You said you knew him, right? What do you honestly think of him?”

Oh...  _Oh_ . Cas blinked and glanced quickly to Dean, a nervous tick when he felt cornered. Well, he had no real need to lie anymore, especially since he had told Gabe everything in a panic. “He's... nice. Very considerate. Certainly seems to like Lily a lot.”

“Yeah, he does,” Gabriel sighed. “I got to sit down and talk to him a couple days ago, but it was hell trying to kick Lu out of the room. He is nice. Loves Lily. I don't know, man...”

What? “What do you mean you don't know?”

“I mean he's-...” The brunette scratched his head and sighed. “He's kind of perfect. Not Stepford Wife perfect mind you, but like perfect for Lu and Lily. And oh my God, have you been around them lately? They make me want to get cavities and throw up. I've never seen Lu like that with anyone before. Surprised they don't have pet names yet...”

That somehow made Cas smile as the other took a swig of his beer. “Being protective, aren't we?”

“Yeah,” Gabe sighed, not even trying to lie. “Lu's older than me and everything, but... he's been through a lot. I don't want this guy to turn out to be the next hurdle in his life... Um, no offense. I know he's your friend and all. I'm just-”

Castiel shook his head, entirely understanding. “No, it's all right. But Balthazar is a good man.”

Gabriel looked to him, studying his face for a moment before smiling as well. “I think so, too. Just hope it all works out.”

Cas looked from him and back to Dean. “Well, maybe we can invite him to do something with all of us. A dinner like this or something. A way of inviting him in with the  _family_ , so to speak.” He knew Balthazar would be delighted about such a thing – and it wouldn't be until the next morning that Cas awoke in panic over the fact that almost everyone assumed they didn't know each other practically all their lives – plus Lily would certainly love an idea like that. She enjoyed her birthday, but she couldn't stop  _talking_ about him. She would love him being there, too.

Gabriel watched the Winchester's bickering over when to turn the chicken for a moment as he adjusted his jaw in thought. The only sounds in the yard were the beginnings of crickets and “Sammy, if you don't back up I swear to God I'm going to baste you” with “Fine, Dean, I'll give you all my charred bits since you like them so much.”

Finally, the youngest Pellegrino nodded. “I like that plan. A lot. You think he'll feel attacked if we all swamp him with questions at once? It'll be like a job interview for the poor guy.”

“Actually, I think he'll enjoy it.” It wasn't that he had nothing to hide – Cas reasoned that everyone did – but even if Balthazar would be nervous and a bit stressed, he would still love it.

“All righty then,” Gabe nodded and smirked. “All we have to do now is run it by Lu first. Good idea, man.”

Before anything else could be said, Sam turned towards them. “Food's done.”

Dean elbowed him in the ribs. “It is  _not_ done, Sammy. Shut up.”

The brunette rose from his seat with a big grin, slapping his hands together. “Good! I'm starving.”

“Gabriel, sit your ass down.”

“No, Dean. My ass is a world wonder. To sit is just rude to the general public.”

Sam got a good, hearty laugh out of that and Cas smiled. Whatever was happening between them, he hoped it kept up. Maybe they could end up as happy as Lu and Balthazar seemed to be. A happily ever after. They both deserved one... but Cas bit his lip. He knew them both for a long time. He knew their luck, and it made something in the bottom of his stomach flutter in worry. He ignored it, contributing it to his natural anxiety before standing to walk over next to Dean who seemed to need someone on his side right now from his rushed threat of, “Gabriel, if you touch this food, I'm stabbing you.”

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My only excuse is that I downloaded Hearthstone at the wrong time. I'm so sorry for not updating last weekend, but on the plus side I have like a level 18 priest so haters gonna hate. And they should hate, rightfully so. Anyway, here's your fic.

“How do I look?”

Lu pinched the bridge of his nose as he sunk lower in the couch, letting out another strangled sigh. “For the hundredth time, drama queen, you look fine.”

“You didn't even look!” Balthazar whined.

It only made the other snap his head to him. “You. Look. Fine.”

The blonde let his arms fall to his sides with a scowl, apparently making Lily giggle. To be honest, he didn't look bad. Usual v-neck, jeans, boots, dark blazer. Basically how he usually looked, really, but Balthazar always somehow managed to look good even when he claimed that he didn't.

When Gabriel first approached Lu about bringing Balthazar out to meet everyone, he thought it was a great idea. Not only could they get the gossip out of the way, but it would also make him feel that much less guilty that it was basically his fault Balthy couldn't have done this sooner at Lily's party. But when he brought it up to the man in question, the only feedback he received was gargled in panic.

Lil' Bit played with Cocoa using a ribbon she had found God knows where in this loft, but she paused and made a show of looking the other man over. “I think you look good, Balthazar.” She probably would have said that if he was in clown shoes.

“Thank you, Lily,” Balthazar replied, apparently buying it anyway. “I'm happy someone is being sincere around here.”

With a softer sigh (and another giggle from Lily), Lu got up and walked over to him, automatically reaching out and straightening the collar of his jacket. “I'm serious,” he muttered words only they could hear, “You look _perfect_ , as usual. It'll be okay, Balthazar. We'll be with you the whole time.”

The older blonde shifted his weight, seeming to hardly register the small bit of intimacy in the moment. “I'm usually a pretty confident kind of guy, you know.”

“I know,” Lu laughed, “because if I'm too old to dance then you should be in the ground, remember?”

That finally brought a smile out even if Balthazar rolled his eyes at the memory. “I usually have at least a thirty percent tequila content, too, if you're bringing that back around.”

“Oh, now,” the strawberry blonde tugged on his collar, pulling them closer together, “Don't tell me that was _just_ the tequila.”

“The one liners, yes. The rest?” Balthazar shrugged, getting a little laugh out of both of them. “I suppose liquor won't make things any better tonight.”

Lu smiled, thankful that the blonde didn't seem as on edge anymore. “You're going to do great. Me, Lily, Cas,  _and_ Dean will be there. All you have to worry about is my stupid ass brothers, and you've already seen one of them. It's going to be fine. They just want to meet you.”

“I suppose that means we're only that much more official now,” he smirked, “ _boyfriend_.”

“Don't start that.”

Balthazar laughed again, most of the tension successfully gone now. “That, uh, reminds me.” He licked his lips, hardly glancing up to him. “Since we are a bit more official, there's something I've been meaning to bring up, but I don't know how you'd take it.”

“I told you. I have an open mind in bed.”

“Not that,” the blonde laughed harder, trying deftly to push him off and not succeeding in the slightest. “It was-... I've been thinking a bit about your schooling, especially since you started prattling off the names of stars to me the other night. How much did you say you had left again?”

He rose an eyebrow at that one. “Little less than a year, plus grad school... Balthazar,” he sighed, “I can't go back, not right now. Don't even start.”

“Why not?”

_Why not?_ “What? Uh, maybe things like money and Lily... and  _you_ . You're a lot to keep satisfied.”

“I'm not that high maintenance,” Balthazar scoffed, “I can keep myself busy with Mr. Right here on the long nights you're studying. As for Lily, I personally know several people who wouldn't call that an issue, myself included.”

He couldn't help the chuckle. “And what about money, hot shot? If you say a loan shark, I'm dragging you out to that car.”

“You're more than smart enough for plenty of scholarships, love,” Balthazar shook his head, “Any school would be lucky to have you. And the rest, well... I wouldn't mind putting in a penny or two.”

Over the last two weeks, it had become a bit obvious that Balthazar had no need to worry about money. He had gotten a bit excited one evening and shown Lily a scrap book of all the places he'd gone to in just the last few years. If that wasn't enough of an indicator, all he had to do was listen in to Balthazar's phone calls to his shop whenever they were having problems and he would reply with something like, “order a few hundred dollars worth. I'll just take it out of my account, no problem.”  _No problem_ .

But it wasn't pride or shame that made Lu narrow his eyes a bit at the notion. “No, absolutely not. That's your money. Not mine.”

“It could be _ours_.”

“No, Balthazar. I'm not doing that.”

“It's not like you wouldn't be able to pay me back ten fold once you're a famous scientist at NASA or something, if that's the issue.”

To his credit, Lu gave a little laugh to that. “I appreciate it, I do, but I can't take it. That's a hell of a lot of money for a degree like that.” But Balthazar was right. If he did get it and he was actually  _good_ at what he did – which he would be since he was nothing but an honor student while there and hardly broke a sweat – then the cash would come in by the truck load. Lily could go to the best schools in the country- the  _world_ . It was a good dream, but an unrealistic one. One that would pull him away from his daughter and lover; one fueled by the life insurance of Balthazar's family. It was one gift he absolutely could not take. “I'm sorry. I can't.”

Balthazar himself seemed to consider the answer for a long time, even biting his lip a little before nodding. “We aren't done talking about this.” Oh, they sure as hell were. But before he could say anything in rejection again, the blonde gave a much softer smile. “I love you.”

The three little words were few and far between with both of them, and Lu couldn't exactly figure out why but it didn't really matter. Whenever it was said, it felt so honest and sincere and  _good_ ... that it made for a great distraction. He snorted but finally smiled back. “I love you, too.”

The smile he got back was one of those emotionally beautiful ones that made him want to melt and crash their lips together all at once. But just then, little arms wrapped around their legs. “I love you, too!”

He blinked in surprise before a reaction kicked in, ruffling Lily's hair with a laugh and clapping Balthazar on the back. “C'mon, you distracted me long enough. We're gonna be late.”

“Oh, right,” Balthazar groaned, “the grand _party_.” Lily cheered from the excitement of finally leaving, even as the blonde reached down to pick her up. It seemed to have become something of a habit as of late, one that Lu had but didn't think was infectious. He found he liked the sight of them like that more than not, though. “Say bye to Cocoa.”

“Bye, Cocoa!”

* * *

At least he wasn't hyperventilating or something. That was a plus. Really, the only thing keeping Balthazar calm at this point was the fact that he knew over half of the people attending this little soiree. Though, he didn't know what to make of Lu's supposed twin. Apparently they looked nothing alike, but that was just about all he knew of the man. Really, that was going to be the hardest part of the night, gaining Michael's approval.

Not that the words  _approval_ or  _test_ or any of that sort ever floated around, but Balthazar knew it was there. It had to be. This was a chance for all of them to bead a judgment on him, figure out for themselves if he was good enough for their Lu and the child. He forced himself to think happy thoughts, because he honestly didn't care what they thought of him. But whatever they  _did_ think would be fed back to his new, tiny, fragile family.

At least Cas would be there. It was at his house, thank heaven. Not somewhere different and strange that he had to tiptoe through or else face someone's divine wrath.

Once the three of them reached the front door – Lily placed on Lu's hip this time – his heart rate was beginning to even off into something akin to normal when the door opened and a Goliath that was definitely neither Cas nor Dean stood in there wake. His heart rate got worse, then he placed the person and his stomach did an unpleasant leap. Good lord, this was Sam.

Lily only confirmed this with, “Hi, Sammy!” Of course she knew him. He was Dean's brother, after all. And Balthazar wasn't jealous about the taller, younger, stronger, seemingly more attractive man either, or at least it wasn't burning in him yet. Mostly, this guy terrified the daylights out of him. What if  _he_ was jealous? Oh goodness. This was going to be a long evening.

But then he shot a smile complete with dimples and the man looked like he couldn't harm a house fly. “Hey, Lily! Came to eat?”

“Yes!”

Sam laughed, something horribly nice sounding, before flashing his smile right at the man next to him. “Hey, Lu. Gabe and Dean are fighting over whether or not the food's being cooked right again, but I brought some beer in anticipation of this.”

“Sounds like Gabe,” Lu sighed with a small laugh as the _much_ taller man moved aside to allow them to pass.

Just as they were walking in the house, the door closing behind them, the polite conversation unfortunately turned to Balthazar. “So you must be-” Sam began, but cut himself off as his smile faltered for just a second and recognition shown bright all over his face. “Oh my God, you're the tattoo guy! I should've recognized your name. Wow!”

Be chill. Ice cold. He reached out his hand. “Balthazar. I trust that revolver I gave you is doing well.”

“It is,” Sam flashed him a bright smile and shook his hand (a bit too hard, though it hardly seemed to be on purpose), “Thank you so much again. My brother's ridiculously jealous of it.”

Lu put the little one down, muttering something to her about finding Gabriel and telling him to be good right before she ran off, then he turned back to Sam. “You know, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have dated.”

It took Balthazar a second, but he was right. Sam had recommended Lu to the shop... Well, that was a funny turn of events. The tall puppy dog of a man looked shocked for a second before gaining a somehow  _bigger_ smile than before. “You're right! Oh, wow. Well, I guess you're both welcome. I'm sure all I did was speed things along, though.”

The blonde couldn't express how thankful he was for that, so he more or less feigned it. “Thank Christ someone did,” he smirked, looking to Lu with an all too teasing smile.

The other man, the object of his affections, merely chuckled and elbowed his arm. “I would've come around eventually and you know it.” True, that was for certain. He looked over to Sam again. “Who all's here?”

“Everyone except Michael,” Sam stuffed his hands in his pocket. “Or, well, I say everyone. I hitched a ride here with Gabriel, and he cracked a joke about the party arriving, only that he was kinda right.”

Lu held a grin, but still looked in the general direction of the back patio through the living room. “Where's Cas? I need to talk to him.”

“Outside with everyone else.” Balthazar internally panicked for a moment – _Don't leave me alone with him, you bastard!_ \- until Sam tilted his head in that direction and led the way.

The unexpected level one seemed to be more or less clear, though it was likely that Sam would try to initiate polite conversation again later since he seemed to be far too good of a person for anyone's own good. What Lu wanted to speak with Cas about alluded him, but he wasn't much for dwelling on things like that. It just meant that it would be that much longer before Balthazar could bribe his dear old friend to hide him in the attic until the evening was over.

Goodness, he needed to calm down.

Once outside, they were greeted with the sight of Lily on Gabriel's hip as the two of them stood very close behind Dean, staring and unblinking at the back of his head. The eldest Winchester in question was poking sheepishly at the food on the grill, every now and then turning to see them with a comment along the lines of, “Stop it, you two! That's creepy!” Castiel, however, sat at the picnic table nursing a beer. When their eyes met, Cas grew a bigger smile that was only reserved for when they met again after years apart.

Lu made a quick beeline for Cas, and Balthazar was about to do the same when his name was called by the Goliath. “Balthazar, you want a beer?”

He hated that watered down piss Americans called beer. “Absolutely.”

Sam sauntered over to an ice chest hidden between the grill and porch railing. When he opened it, Balthazar sadly realized he could have easily said, “Coke's fine,” since it was filled with all kinds of drinks, but no he got a damn beer instead. On another note, he was happy to discover that Sam pulled out two bottles of Guinness. Now that's a bit better. His mood changed once again to one of absolute horror when Sam took both bottle caps off with a single hand at once. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” He was going to be sick.

“Hope you like chicken,” Sam went on with a chuckle and swig of his drink, idly pointing to the grill, “Those two have been like an episode of Top Chef or something.”

He gave a dry laugh to that. “At least it'll be entertaining.” With a big gulp of his beer, he prayed to just get through the night and hopefully relax a little. So far, he had been nothing but welcomed. Thankfully, a good thing. Though, one glance to Lu and Cas told him that there was some sort of serious conversation to be had... He took another swig of the beer.

A knock faintly sounded at the front door, making Balthazar's heart go back into overdrive. That could only be one person. “Must be Mike,” Sam acknowledged, passing him with a pat on the shoulder. “Be right back.”

_ Michael _ . He was unprepared for this.

Balthazar glanced to Lu – still in some deep conversation that he wasn't about to bother – and Lily – giggling with her uncle about Dean's obvious discomfort – before deciding he should probably just awkwardly wait here for the inevitable. With a deep breath, he turned to watch Sam greet these new people-

Suddenly, he was relieved. That couldn't possibly be the horrifying Michael. He was definitely not Lu's twin and certainly didn't even look to be related to the Pellegrino's. Besides all that, he had a woman with him who hadn't been mentioned before. With relief, Balthazar drank his beer a bit more calmly, thankful he had a bit more time to put himself together before all hell broke loose. If he kept drinking this fast, though, he'd get a buzz that he definitely did not need tonight.

The trio walked out on to the patio with them, Sam passing everyone by with a smile. “I'll get you a beer, man. Spent enough money on 'em.”

“Hey, thanks,” the new man smiled. Even Balthazar had to admit, this one was attractive with the toned skin and dark hair. The woman must have been his wife or something, but definitely not a fling. They weren't hanging off of one another and acting absolutely sickly. Sister, maybe?

The new man's hazel eyes locked with Balthazar's. He smiled, darting out a hand. “Hey, I'm Michael.”

He was dead. He might as well just lay down and accept fate until Cas had to roll him off the porch. In a half attempt to swallow literally anything to get his dry throat to respond, he tried out shaking the other man's hand without giving too much of his fear away. “Balthazar. A pleasure. You're Luce's twin, right? We haven't met.” Good start. Get a conversation going. Act like you aren't dying inside. Perfect.

Michael looked taken aback, but his smile never faltered. “Luce? That's a new one.”

Bury him. “A little pet name, I suppose.” Balthazar gave a moderate to decent chuckle at his joke, internally beating himself. Pet name? Because that's exactly what family members want to hear!

“It fits him,” Mike laughed, letting go of their clasped hands, “But yeah, that's my twin. Wouldn't know it by looking at us. One time a teacher was totally convinced our parents were lying about it or something. Anyway, he hasn't been hell, I hope?”

It was Balthazar's turn to laugh, trying to force himself to calm down. “He's nothing but an angel.”

“Okay, now that, I don't buy.”

Sam  _ thankfully _ approached them, then. “Here's your beer, on the house.”

“Wow, man. You get the good stuff!”

Oh yes, this was nice. Standing here having idle chit chat with Lu's twin brother and past affair. This is just freaking lovely.

“Balthazar!” He turned to find Cas, now smiling, waving him over to the table and salvation.

He turned back for a short moment. “If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.”

“I'll corner you again later,” Michael laughed with a wave.

If it wouldn't have been terribly suspicious or rude of him, Balthazar would have sprinted to the table. As it was, he walked at a reasonable pace, settling himself far too happily beside Lucifer and across from Castiel. The latter gave his signature smile again, all manner of whatever the previous conversation was gone from his features. “How's it going so far?”

Might as well be honest. “I'm going to throw up.”

Lu let out a breathy laugh, making him look towards the other man. The gaze in his eyes held nothing but pride and love, making Balthazar suddenly feel like tonight wasn't all that bad after all. “You're doing great.”

Without a response to give, not that he could word something anyway after a look like that, he took another swig of the beer.

* * *

The party the night before couldn't have gone better. By the end of it, Balthazar was happily joking with Sam and even making easy conversation with Mike with only one beer under his belt. To be sure, that beer had disappeared quickly from nerves, but if it helped to loosen him up that much, Lu was more than thankful. Even the massive apology he had to give Castiel for only looking out for both of his friends had gone well.

It had all gone perfect. Balthazar was suddenly a new member to their growing family and neither of them could be happier about it. Lily seemed oblivious to the point of the get-together, but once she and Gabriel stopped teasing Dean, she had basically clung to Balthazar the rest of the night. No doubt seeing the pair of them made everyone fall in love with him just the same way Lu had. It was  _ perfect _ .

Maybe he wasn't thinking about taking up that college fund offer, but the conversation did keep coming back to him. More importantly, the bit about the money not being his but  _ theirs _ . He didn't want the money, but if Balthazar was talking about merging their lives together like that- This was really happening. They were a family. A unit. When he thought about the future now, it wasn't with dread or any sense of loneliness. Now, Balthazar was in it as far as he could see. Dangerous territory, but so fulfilling that he could hardly bear it.

His phone rang, pulling him out of the thoughts. With a sigh, Lu walked over to his nightstand to grab up the cell, abandoning his search for clothes. Ever since that first call, the 1-800 number called back at the same time every two days. Oddly enough, this was the third day in a row. He bit his lip, considering these assholes... before giving up and answering. Maybe he could fuck around with them long enough to get taken off their call list or something. “Hello?”

There was a feminine gasp on the other end, simply sounding shocked that he answered at all. “ _ Can I speak to Lucifer Pellegrino, please? _ ”

Well, this was either one hell of a telemarketer or some sort of collect call. “Lu, and this is he.”

“ _Lu, I'm Naomi with the Department of Child and Family Services. I'm calling in regards to Lilith_.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got two in one week again. By the way, you ever went to see what seemed like a fun, family movie at the theater, but the guy by the door was handing out tissues to everyone as they walked in and you're left wondering why you got tissues for free at a movie theater? I feel like this fic is that movie.

It wasn't odd to go a day without hearing from Luce, so Balthazar didn't even think on it when it happened. It was the day after that, when there was only an hour left of work and all the clients for the day were done, that he decided to shoot the other man a text.

_Would you like to grab some dinner, love? My treat_

He tucked the phone away and didn't think on it again until he was walking out of the shop for the night. Remembering that dinner plans were still up in the air, he grabbed his phone to check and still didn't see anything. Once he was in the car, he sent another text, figuring Lu missed the first notification. The little one could be a handful at times.

_I'll even cook for you ;)_

Balthazar put his phone in the empty passenger seat and headed home.

After walking through the door, he checked the phone again. Nothing. He decided it would just give him time to take a quick shower, so he did it and checked the phone one more time when he got out again. Still nothing. Balthazar frowned, but didn't allow any worry to seep in. After all, this wasn't very strange for Lu.

If he didn't hear a little chime, he'd certainly hear a ringtone. So call Balthazar did. It rang twice before going to voice mail. So he was busy then. After a small debate to leave a message or not, he decided against it, figuring Lu would just call him back when he was able. He called again in another three hours anyway, this time the call going straight to voice mail.

When the next morning rolled around and there was still no word from Lu, he was officially worried. With a glance to the clock, he confirmed that it was still far too early for most people – he barely got sleep the night before – so Lu wouldn't be at work yet. He called one more time, anticipating the voice mail. After getting the mechanical drone, he hung up and called Cas.

It took several rings before a tired voice finally answered him. “ _Balthazar? What's wrong? Why are you calling so early?_ ”

“Sorry, Cas. I'm sorry for waking you.” He rubbed at his face, sitting on the edge of the bed and feeling like a psychopathic idiot for worrying like this “Have you heard from Luce?”

“ _Lu?_ ”

“Since we went to your place. Have you heard from him?”

“ _No, I don't think so. Why? What's wrong?_ ”

“What about Dean? Has he seen him? Spoke to him?”

“ _Um..._ ” There was shuffling and hushed voices on the other end. He could barely hear his question being repeated until, “ _No, he hasn't either. It's not strange for us to not see him, though. He might just be-_ ”

“He's not answering his phone.” Balthazar couldn't suppress the underlying panic in his voice. “I've texted him, I've called him. He's been worrying the hell out of me. I haven't seen him since that little party.”

There was a silence on the other end, probably just a space to give Balthazar more room to rant, but it was interrupted by a more serious yet gentler tone. “ _ I'll call Michael and Gabriel. He's had to have left Lily with someone by now. They must have seen him. But don't worry about it, Balthazar, please. Lu's just like this sometimes. Maybe he lost his phone or something. _ ”

That was viable. Far more believable than all the horrible things that ran through his mind. “Maybe.”

“ _ Don't worry _ ,” Cas said again. “ _ Just go to work. Keep your mind off of it. We'll figure out what's up by the end of the day and you'll feel ridiculous for worrying so much. _ ”

“I already feel ridiculous,” Balthazar muttered to himself, but sighed. “All right, Cassie. You win.”

“ _ I'll let you know if I hear something _ .”

After hanging up the phone and taking a few deep breaths, Balthazar began to get ready for work. Maybe he was turning into one of those overbearing, creepy boyfriends. Or maybe Lu was tired of him, or-

He pushed it from his mind, forcing himself to think about anything other than Lu's silence.

Around lunch, Balthazar finally received a text and about tripped over himself to check it. This one was from Cas.

_Michael hasn't heard from him. Can't get a hold of Gabriel, which is unfortunately normal._

He didn't bother replying. His nerves were shot to hell and the not knowing was going to be the death of him. After a quick deliberation with himself, Balthazar ultimately decided to stay at work, hoping that focusing on art and drawing would ease him because there absolutely wasn't anything wrong. Not a thing.

It was thirty minutes after the shop closed, him still working in the office, when Cas texted again.  _ Gabriel says Sam talked to him yesterday but Lu was apparently upset. Don't know why. _

Fuck work. Fuck not worrying. Fuck Cas trying to be a damn mother hen.  _ I'm going to check on him _ .

Balthazar left the shop and till in Anna's capable hands before leaving with hardly a farewell. On the way, he began to feel like an overbearing idiot. Granted, it had been a couple of days since they had seen each other, but that didn't really warrant this level of stalking, did it? Was this even stalking? Was he one of those crazed boyfriends now? He decided to figure that out and give due apologizes  _ after _ Lu was confirmed to be okay.

About fifteen minutes later, he had successfully confirmed that Lu wasn't home. It was nearly  _dusk,_ and he wasn't home... He ran out of the apartment complex to get back to his car, reminding himself exactly where the youngest Pellegrino's place was.  What should have been a ten minute drive was easily turned into three and a half before Balthazar was knocking on Gabriel's door.

No doubt this probably wouldn't go great. They didn't know each other all that well, and showing up to someone's home like this, demanding to know where their brother was, wasn't the best impressions. Right now, he didn't care.

The door opened quickly enough, though hardly fast enough for his tastes. He was met with the shorter of the brothers giving him an odd but still decently inviting look. Maybe coming here was a mistake. “Balthazar? What's up?”

Fuck it. “Have you heard from Luce?”

Cas already told him that Sam had, but he didn't know where the hell to  _ find _ Sam. Gabriel and the Goliath seemed to get along rather too well, though, so this was the best source he had for the moment.

Gabe's brow furrowed. “Cas called about that earlier, saying you were worried about him. Like I told him, Sam talked to Lucy yesterday at some point, but it was enough to make the giant puppy dog worried, too. You haven't run into him yet?”

Likely, the other man knew that if Balthazar had come to this place, then he already check Lucifer's home. He just shook his head. “Worried how?”

Gabriel adjusted his weight, leaning against the door and suddenly giving the blonde a scrutinizing look, as if he wondered how much was too much to tell. “He, uh- Well, Sam's working for a firm now. Apparently Lu called about legal advice.”

His face fell. What the fuck was-

“Balthazar?” The blonde jumped and turned at the voice walking to him from down the hall. But this wasn't Lucifer. It was his source. Sam. “Hey, you all right? What's up?”

Gabe nodded in his direction before Balthy could form a word. “He was wondering where Lu was. He hasn't seen him either.”

At this, Sam frowned and gave a worried look between the three of them. “Hey, sorry,” he directed to Balthazar, actually looking sincere about it. “He called me all upset yesterday, but wouldn't tell me what was going on. Said he needed the best lawyer I know.” The Winchester shrugged, shaking his head. “I don't know what's happening, but it's got me worried, too.”

Balthazar looked between him and Gabriel. “What was he calling about? Advice about what?”

Was he hurt on the job? Did he get in a wreck? Had he been kidnapped and sold to the fucking militia or some shit? Sam frowned more. “Custody stuff.” Before Balthazar could ask, the taller man shook his head again. “There's something going on about Lily. I don't know what. He was trying to figure out how to give someone else custody of her. Even wondered if marrying you would do it... You really haven't heard from him?”

The marriage notion was the last worry on his mind. Custody? About Lily? Why would something like that suddenly be an issue? Who could- Well, theoretically Ruby was still the mother, but she had disappeared and basically abandoned her child.

“Hey.” He jerked his head to Gabriel, who was now looking at him suspiciously. “You wanna come in for a second or something? You don't look good.”

“I-” Balthazar looked between them again, knowing that taking the offer was probably the best course, but he couldn't. Not right now. He couldn't take even a moment. This was too important. “I, um-... I have to go. Thank you!” He started running again, hearing them call after him, but only giving a wave back when asked to let them know if Lu was found.

No doubt they were worried, too. By morning, everyone was going to be worried and Sam would have likely told his tale to the rest of the small clan. Then a full on man hunt would begin. Maybe it was best to get in touch with all of them, call for some sort of reinforcements, but neither Lu nor Lily was supposedly hurt or in any danger. He just had to find them.

Dammit, why did he listen to Cas and go to work? He could have found them hours ago!

He called again on the ride back to his place, listening as it immediately went to voice mail. This time he let out a curse before tossing the phone in the next seat. It was too much right now. He was too worried and upset to deal with this. And, yeah, Lu was rightfully busy if something like that was going on, but he didn't consider telling anyone? A brother? Him? No one? Stupid bastard thought he could handle it on his own.

Once home, Balthazar barged in through the door. He intended to grab a few things and head out again. There was no way he was going to sleep tonight with thoughts like this rattling through his brain, so he planned to search all night if he had to rather than take some bloody medicine for it.

He snatched up a map of the city and a flashlight, not trusting his phone's battery to stay alive much longer, when a knock sounded at the door. “Coming,” he acknowledged, grabbing up a phone charger, too. As Balthazar walked to the door, he debated on what else to bring since the night was still so young, but then was terribly shocked when the door opened.

Lu stood there looking tired and half dead with Lily on his hip. She was wrapped in both arms, but had her head resting on his shoulder, too asleep to notice where she was. “Hey,” Lu breathlessly greeted, voice sad and more tired than he looked.

The things in Balthazar's hands fell to the floor, but he couldn't summon up any energy to be angry with him. “Hey.”

Lu adjusted his grip on the child, hardly glancing away from his face before looking back again. “Can we stay the night?”

Before even so much as thinking on it, the blonde took a step back, letting them gain entrance to his home. That's when Lu slowly looked him up and down. “Weren't you going somewhere?”

“To look for you.” He was so stunned from the moment, that he realized too late that the comment could come off as hurtful.

Apparently, it had. Lu's gaze went to the floor. “Sorry.”

Balthazar shook his head, but really didn't know what to say to make it any better. Instead, he just gestured for him to enter. “Come on. Come inside. Put her to bed.”

Lu seemed to almost hesitate for a moment, before finally walking in and crossing the loft in a few quiet steps. The blonde allowed the door to swing closed from his grasp, but he mostly just watched the pair, as the other man gently laid the girl on the bed. It seemed she woke for a moment, because he sat next to her and leaned down, patting her hair and murmuring something Balthazar couldn't hear. She shifted beneath the blankets once before laying still. Lu brushed his hand over her hair for nearly a minute before becoming satisfied that she was asleep again and rose from his seat. He rubbed at the stubble on his face – didn't look to have shaved much lately either – while approaching Balthazar.

“I'm sorry,” he quietly said again, hardly looking to him. “I didn't want to take her home tonight. Just... paranoid, I guess. I don't know. This is the only place I could think of. I'm sorry. I should have called.”

He definitely should have called. “Luce?” The other man finally glanced up to him. “What's going on?”

Lu just stared at him for a minute, watching him but not in a bad sense, thankfully. Eventually, his mouth opened and closed and moved again a bit more before glancing back to the little one then around the loft. “There somewhere else we can talk?”

He blinked, but eventually came up with, “The roof?”

It was outside and the clouds all day suggested it would rain eventually, but Lu nodded to the idea anyway. As they left, Balthazar locked the door behind them, just in case. The strawberry blonde nodded to the gesture but didn't speak. His hands were tucked away in his pockets, eyes looking to the floor as he turned away and moved to the elevator. Balthazar followed.

The short ride was silent and almost awkward. It was killing the blonde to not just outright ask. The question was going to be the death of him before they even got out of this damn thing. But they did reach their destination and the doors did open. One light shown at the entrance, but the setting sun still held a small glow over the area so there was enough to see at least a little bit. Lu didn't even seem to look forward as he walked out, though. Again, Balthazar just followed right behind him, but stopping close enough to the entrance, still in the light even as Lu paced away for another few meters.

Now there was a bit more life in him, as if the outside world or maybe even just being away from Lily rejuvenated him a some. Lu's hands rubbed together as his pace slowed and turned to the left and eventually back to the right. Balthazar tried to convince himself that this was better than the dead man walking act he was putting on earlier, but he couldn't bring himself to really believe it. “Luce?”

For a long moment, all he could hear was the far off sound of traffic, watching Lu pace, twist his hands together, breath hard like he had just ran a marathon. “It was-” He stopped then. Stopped talking, walking, moving. The back of his hand clapped against his open palm twice. “Child Services called.”

It took a moment for that to register. Balthazar blinked, then blinked again, eyes going wide at the mere notion of it. “ _What?_ ” That wasn't what he thought was going on. Who the fuck would-?

“Ruby tried to report me.” _Ruby?_ Balthazar did another blink, slowly shaking his head and about to repeat his question when Lu continued with a shifting of his weight. “Tried to claim that I was keeping Lily from her, abusing her, and... just all sorts of bullshit. They wanted... exams, evaluations. Said I needed a lawyer.” Lu's jaw went firm again as his pace continued, this time rushed with more force behind it. This was why he wanted to get away. He was pissed. In truth, Balthazar hadn't seen him this angry before and didn't really know how to handle it except to get angry with him, which would have been a horribly easy feat if he could get pass the shock.

He wanted to say something, tried to get out any sort of sounds, but Lu shook his head and wheeled around on him. “I would have let them see each other,” he exclaimed louder, “All she had to do was ask. We could have worked something out. _Something_. If she cleaned up her fucking act, we could have just done some sort of joint shit. She's Lily mother, for fuck's sake. I wouldn't have kept Ruby from her.”

Balthazar frowned, though it was more sad than anything else. “You have nothing to hide, Lu. They can't do anything. Ruby just dug her own grave with this.”

“No,” Lu shook his head, starting to pace again, “Every time something came up good on my end, they'd start looking at something else. Bank statements, parking tickets, taxes. They wanted to search the home, the car, a list of relatives. They asked about my job history, why I quit school, _relationships_.” At this, he jerked his hand at Balthazar, as if his own existence just made this whole ordeal worse. “She knows someone in there. Ruby's a fucking _cunt_ , but she's not stupid. She has something. She's doing something.”

But- But they can't _do_ anything. Lu was a wonderful father. He might not be the richest asshole on the planet, but he had enough to provide for his girl. Food on the table, clothes on her back, that sort of thing. And it wasn't like she was _unhappy_ either. The child was spoiled rotten. There was no way they could legally take her from Luce. He wanted to tell him, to get a word in edgewise, but even if there was a long enough pause for it, there was no way he could try to interject now. The words might just make Lu go into a full on rage, but he didn't know what else to do. “Lu-”

He spun towards Balthazar, as if his own name set him off. “ _I'm a good father!_ ” he screamed back, hand to his chest, “I've done _nothing_ but provide for her! I gave up _everything_! My school, my future, New York, _everything_! Now she wants to take my little girl? _My_ little girl! I raised her! I raised her on my fucking own! Eight fucking months of colic! Looking for monsters under the bed every single fucking night! I've never even been _away_ from her for more than eight goddamn hours! And _now_ she wants to pull this shit? Ruby was _never_ there! _Never!_ No one was! I did this on my own, and Lily's fucking beautiful for it! She's smart and polite and doesn't just start fucking _screaming_ at people like these other little shits! That's because of _me_! Because I _raised her_ like that! _I_ raised her! I'm a _fucking great father!_ ”

Balthazar didn't know what to do. When the rant ended, Lu looked somewhere between furious and inconsolable. He's breathing quickened in what looked to be the start of a panic attack setting in. Still, he didn't know what to do. Balthazar raised his hand, finding even the notion of approaching him to be a difficult one, so he spoke as quietly as he could. “There's nothing she can do. They can't take her-”

A sob escaped Lu as his arms wrapped around his torso, pacing again but only making it a few steps before going to his knees and just collapsing in on himself. Balthazar was there in a heartbeat, kneeling in front of him and holding his shoulders tight. “Luce, we'll fight it,” he began to mutter, hardly finding that he could stop. “You've been a perfect father. You have nothing to hide.”

But Lu was shaking his head again, leaning all of his weight against Balthazar's hands. “They wanted DNA tests,” came out in hoarse whisper, and just like that Lu's words became more choked as he shook like a leaf with every breathe. “What if I'm not her father?... What if they- they _tell her?_ What would she-?... What would she-?... I don't know why Ruby wants her like this. I don't know- I- I'm _scared_. I don't know what's happening. I-... What would she _think_?”

“Luce.” This time, finally, Balthazar's voice was much firmer as he shook the other's shoulders. His Luce having this sort of break down was completely inexcusable. “You will _always_ be her father, no matter what, understand? That bitch is _not_ going to take our little girl.”

For a long moment, Lucifer stared up at him, emotions unreadable until his features crumpled again and he cried harder, jerking Balthazar closer to him and burying his face into his chest, gripping onto his jacket. The elder held him tight, but no other words were spoken between them. Even after the sobs slowly tapered off, the only sounds were traffic and distant rolling thunder.

Eventually, as the sun disappeared and night finally set in, Lu titled his head downwards and finally pulled away. Balthazar placed a kiss on his forehead before standing, pulling the other up with him.

They went back to the elevator just as a soft rain began to fall, took the short ride down, and walked back into the now unlocked loft, all in silence, never separating their hands. Lu looked a bit stronger now, a bit sturdier, but still tired and hurt. “You take the bed,” Balthazar whispered to him after placing another soft kiss on his jaw, but Lu shook his head even with his lips against him.

Words didn't seem a priority anymore. Luce just tugged Balthazar along towards the bed, both still fully clothed even as he fell towards Lily's right side, patting the other open space across from them once before putting his arms around the girl.

After a hesitant pause, the blonde eventually obliged and walked around the edge of the bed before settling himself on the other side. He faced Lily's back, watching Lu's open, tired eyes stare down to the girl. Once it seemed like nothing would change, Balthazar's hand found his lover's and squeezed, hardly even seeming acknowledged for a breath until Lu squeezed back.

After an hour, Lu finally fell asleep. Balthazar followed four and a half hours later.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHA I'M SORRY. I sort of left this fic behind and waffled with myself on whether or not to finish it. But you know who loses most when I don't finish a fic? Me. I don't get to tell my story, I lose my conviction, I never get the chance to TRY. I haven't finished many fics before (maybe two plus one original novel that haha is sitting in a binder on my bedside table waiting for me to edit it) and I'm not doing anyone any use by leaving a story unfinished.
> 
> So I'm going to try HARD to wrap this baby up in a pretty little bow with the original idea I had in mind. That means we have several chapters left, maybe even up to 10 considering how I write, but dammit I'm going to try.
> 
> My 100 prompt Balcifer fic will be sporadically updated here and there, for those of you reading that, so don't lose heart there either. OKAY LET'S CONTINUE I'M SORRY.

Lu woke with a jolt from some far off sound, but suddenly staring at only a slightly familiar ceiling gave him pause. It took a few seconds to recognize Balthazar's loft and even a bit longer to realize he was in bed by himself. That's around the point he felt the light weight of Cocoa on his chest. The kitten was curled into a ball, snoring lightly. The other sound – the one that actually woke him up – finally registered through the background noise with the smell that came with it.

Someone was cooking. The sound of something frying on a skillet was unmistakable. So that's where his little family went.

“What would you like to drink, darling?” came Balthazar's voice from the kitchen, but he was too hushed to be speaking to him. “I have just about everything, I think.”

He heard his little girl humming, making a show of considering the offer. “Chocolate milk?” Lu never let her have chocolate this early, but Balthazar-

“Yep. Hold on.”

Lu smiled to himself, letting his head fall back on the pillow as he heard more shuffling around the kitchen and the unmistakable sound of a refrigerator opening. After a few minutes, he heard Balthazar's soft voice say, “Here you are, little one,” and that was it. They were, for once, together in silence... Lu promptly frowned and gently removed Cocoa. The kitten mewled lowly but took up snuggling into his still warm pillow, while Lu quietly got out of bed.

To be completely honest, he was a bit worried how Lily was doing after the horrible day before. All of the attention and questions and small mentions of her mother had to be more than a little jarring, making Lu almost too relieved when she finally fell asleep on them. Through all the crap yesterday, she looked up at him constantly with eyes full of questions, but was never able to voice many of them due to all of the people poking back at her. There would likely be a ton of questions today, but what could he tell her? Her mother was trying to separate them? The woman might be a bitch, but he definitely didn't want her to be painted that way in Lily's eyes. Ruby was still her mother. Fuck if it wasn't all messed up.

But if Balthazar and Lily weren't talking, then she wasn't doing well. At least Lu himself felt more rejuvenated from sleeping so that he could fully support his baby girl no matter what happened with Ruby and DCFS. Though, most of him knew it wasn't the sleep that had him feeling stronger.

A glance to the clock told him it was eight in the morning – he was very thankful to have the foresight yesterday to call in to work and take off some odd days and, thankfully, his boss understood – before quietly making his way to the kitchen. He turned the corner just as a plate of food was placed in front of his daughter, and she giggled.

Balthazar smirked at her, not even noticing Lu was there at all. He was in different clothes now, damp hair indicating he had a shower at some point, but still looked too tired to have really slept through the night. A stab of shame for coming over here so late in a panic and rage shocked through Lu's chest. Maybe they were kind of serious now, but bothering him with all of this was stupid... even if he had needed him so badly last night. “What?” The thought fled when the blonde chuckled and knelt down to the girl's level.

“It's a face,” Lily giggled again, a bit of herself seeming to come back.

Balthazar scoffed. “Your dad doesn't make faces with your food? I'll have to teach him how.”

“Daddy says to not play with food, Balthazar,” she laughed, as Lu observed the fried eggs for eyes and the bacon making a lopsided smile, some jelly almost looking like a spiked tongue.

“Well that's where me and Lu will have to agree to disagree,” the blonde said, almost in a lecturing tone. “Food should absolutely be played with. Stab his eyes out, little one.” She laughed again as the older man stood, placing a light kiss to the top of her head. The whole ordeal was such a small thing, but Lu felt himself falling in love all over again.

As Balthazar went back to the stove, Lily made good on the command and quickly stabbed at the egg yolk with her fork, a little grin playing across her face that Lu was only too thankful to see. That's when she finally noticed him. “Daddy!”

He could see the blonde turn to him, but Balthazar suddenly wasn't the center of his focus right now. Lu managed to paint a small smile on his face before moving over to the girl. “Morning, baby,” he greeted her, putting a kiss on the same spot of her hair.

“Morning,” she replied with a big smile of her own. “Balthazar played with my food.”

“Tattletale,” Balthazar chuckled, now with his back to them as he focused on cooking.

It was like nothing had changed from before. Lu felt like he could keep this moment forever if it meant never moving forward to whatever dread tomorrow brought with it, just like when he _knew_ that he and Balthazar wouldn't last. But it was so much more devastating this time. He tried to keep his thoughts from straying that far, though. Balthazar had put Lily in a good mood somehow, and he wasn't about to ruin it. “Stabbed his eyes out, I see.”

“That's the weak spots, daddy.”

He couldn't help a laugh at that. “Right. Just eat before it gets cold.”

“Mhmm!” she answered, immediately going for the bacon.

With Lily seeming happy and content for the moment, he walked the few steps it took to lean against the counter as his lover worked over the stove. “Thank you,” he said quietly, honestly, trying like Hell to put as much sincerity into it as possible.

But Balthazar didn't even look to him. Just smiled and said, “Don't thank me, love. I didn't do anything you wouldn't have.”

There was a lot Lu felt like he could say in contrary to that, and it just made him feel worse. “Look...” He dropped his voice, glancing to Lily long enough to confirm that her attention was sufficiently taken. “I'm sorry I came over here last night like that. Screaming at you, getting you wrapped up into all of this, everything. I'm sorry-”

“Luce.” The voice is stern, forcing Lu to look up to the hard, almost hurt face. “I was about to go out there and spend the whole night looking for you. What makes you think that seeing you at my door was anything but a relief?”

At that, he didn't know what to say. He glanced to Lily, noting how cheerful she looked to just eat breakfast of all things. Maybe coming here was the best option for her, too. He let out a held breath and gently reached over to grip Balthazar's arm. “Thank you.”

“I love you, too,” the blonde replied softly, gently leaning over to place a kiss on his cheek. “I hope you like your eggs sunny side up, though. I've already started on them.”

A little smile bloomed across Lu's face. Instead of giving an answer, he leaned over until his head rested against Balthazar's shoulder as he watched Lily eating. Maybe inconvenient, but his lover made no complaints, so he didn't bother to move until his food was done.

* * *

It was after he and Lily got back to their apartment that Lu decided to maybe turn his phone back on. He didn't want a ringtone interrupting any of the meetings yesterday, but apparently everyone began to freak out a little once he was officially declared missing by the family.

He quickly found dozens of texts and several missed calls, not the least of which were Balthazar's. (His heart fell when he read that his lover only innocently wanted to meet him for dinner just twenty-four hours ago.) It looked like Gabriel and Castiel tried quite a number of times to reach him the night before, too. Even Michael, who usually stayed more or less out of the loop, had called twice. At some point during the night or the morning, Balthazar must have told someone that they were safe and accounted for considering the time stamp on all of his texts and calls.

As much as Lu didn't want to, he needed to tell someone else what was going on, even if it was to just keep the burden off of Balthazar. He didn't deserve all of his messes. Castiel was immediately put aside in favor of his two brothers. It was no doubt in anyone's mind that he and Gabriel were close, but nothing came quite to par as the bond he shared with his twin.

Michael picked up on the first ring.  _“Oh thank God, Lu! Never do that again! Shit! We didn't know where the hell you two were!”_

Really, he should have expected this sort of greeting from any of them. “It's not like I don't keep to myself for days at a time, Mike.”

“ _Gabriel said your boyfriend went to his freaking place, scared to death, trying to find you! So, yeah! I'm rightfully pissed off!”_ Balthazar personally went to Gabriel? God, he really had been scared. _“What in the hell was going on? Is Lily okay?”_

“She's fine,” Lu pinched the bridge of his nose. “I'm sorry, Michael. I am, really. I should have told someone. It was just all... happening so fast. And Balthazar started calling so I turned off my phone... I should have just told him. I'm sorry, man.”

“ _What happened?”_ His brother didn't sound as angry as he did worried anymore.

Lu sighed and leaned back until he was laying down on his bed. Lily, thankfully, was in the living room, catching up on all the TV she missed yesterday. “DCFS called. They wanted to meet with me and Lily.”

“ _DC-... Child Services? Why in- Who the fuck called Child Services on you?”_

“Ruby. She made up a lot of lies, but mostly claimed that I wasn't letting her see Lily.” Saying the story this time was a big change from last night. Now he was just tired, waiting for whatever was going to happen to wash over him so he could fight it while he knew what it was. Right now, there wasn't much at all he could do... That and having been around Balthazar made him feel just that much better about the world. The blonde even offered – nearly demanded – that the two of them stay longer with him, but Lu couldn't do that. As much as he wanted to, Balthazar had already done far too much for them.

It felt strange pushing his lover away as if he suddenly wasn't family, but it was for the best right now.

“ _That fucking slut!”_ His thoughts derailed thanks to his brother cursing a blue streak. _“I can't believe she would- Oh my God! If I ever see that bitch again-!”_

“Somehow, I still find that unlikely.” Somehow.

“ _Jesus Christ,”_ Michael sighed on the other line, _“You sure Lily's all right? She's not freaked out by all that? Did you even see Ruby?”_

“Lily's fine,” he said again, moving his head up just enough to see the crack in his door, “She was kind of put off after all of the questions and stuff, but Balthazar saw to that. She's okay. Ruby, though- No, we didn't see her.”

“ _God, Lucifer. If you don't end up marrying Balthazar, I swear I'll wring your neck.”_ That had Lu smiling wide. _“At least she looks like an idiot. Now she has the whole damn state against her.”_

… And there went Lu's grin. “It's not over yet, Mike. The DNA testing doesn't come back until tomorrow.”

There was a predictable silence on the phone. Other than Balthazar, Michael was the only one that knew of Lu's theory that Lily might not even be his flesh and blood, no matter who's name was on the birth certificate.  _“... Christ, Lu... I-... But it shouldn't matter either way, right? I mean, you've raised her all these years like she's yours. They can't take that.”_

Lu just stared up at the ceiling, finally able to face the God awful possibility that he's tried to ignore for the last six years. “I think we're going to get to find out...”

“ _Fuck that. Did you call Sam?”_

“Talked to him a little yesterday about a lawyer, but I haven't called back.”

“ _Do it. Tell him the truth. Whatever the fucker he finds costs, I'll pitch in.”_

Lu quickly sat up. “Mike, no-”

“ _Don't no me, dammit. I'll be damned if I see that bitch take Lily away. This is the worst time to not ask for help, Lu. Just like last night. Look, don't worry about money right now. We'll all handle this together, okay?”_

Lu looked back up to the door again, faintly hearing cartoons playing down the hall and tried to imagine his apartment in silence. “... Okay.”

“ _Are you still with Balthazar?”_

“No.” It almost felt like the wrong answer, like he should have never left. “We just got back from his place.”

His brother seemed to mull over that for a minute before deciding the reply was acceptable.  _“All right... Lu, listen, about this DNA crap, just try not to worry about it, okay? It won't make any difference.”_

“I'm scared,” he admitted, a thought he only lightly touched on with his lover, “Ruby wants her too suddenly and she doesn't want me in the picture at all. I don't like it.”

“ _It won't matter. She's not getting her.”_

Michael said it so simply, like it was the only truth in the world...

Lu was quick to wrap up the conversation. He felt better talking to his brother, he did, but the anger and the reckless optimism was too much energy for him right now. If he could just curl up beside Balthazar for the rest of the day, that would be great.

After hanging up, he stood and went back into the living room, sitting beside Lily on the sofa to watch her cartoons with her. It was something he did every now and then, so the girl didn't think it strange and just snuggled up to him instead... Michael was full of shit. That test mattered more than he could imagine.

Lu ran his fingers through his little girl's hair and watched her intent stare, already too wise for her age.

What would she think?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael is filling up the swear jar today, folks.
> 
> I'm sorry this is so short after my ridiculous hiatus, but I had to put up something. Thank you for all for continuing to read and support this fic. ♥


	22. Chapter 22

It took a little courage, but Lu eventually took his brother's advice and called Sam about a lawyer. Still, he couldn't find it in him to tell the entire truth about whatever Lily's parentage may be, but his old friend promised to find someone that would be willing to sit on stand-by before the end of the week.

Talking to his younger brother and explaining the situation to him somehow felt easier than Balthazar and Michael combined, though he left out the big secret again at the last second. It wasn't that he was ashamed of what Gabriel would think or even keeping up the story just for the sake of it. He just didn't like thinking about it.

And besides, before now, that little theory was an old one that Lu felt was squashed years ago. After all, his baby had his eyes, his lips, his ears, even his own mother's hair. Gabriel said on several occasions that the blank looks she gave people came from no one but her father, as well as her strange sense of humor. But there could be explanations for all of it...

What was worse, she knew something was wrong. Well, of course she knew something was going on after the whole interrogation thing, but it was obvious to her that it wasn't over. Her little face looked too serious, and she was giving him hugs by the hand full lately. Whether it was because she wanted the comfort or thought her dad needed it, he didn't allow himself to think on.

And then there was Balthazar. His lover called often, obviously wanting to check in but never fully asking about it, knowing that Lu knew nothing else and the pressure on him already was too much. Even though Lu never called Balthazar, never initiated the conversations, he found himself looking forward to hearing the man's voice more and more every day. And it wasn't like they lived across the globe from one another, but after the first few days of being softly rejected to bring over dinner, Balthazar had stopped asking to see him completely. He knew. He _knew_ what Lu was doing. The clawing guilt kept the strawberry blonde up for more than one night.

Maybe they weren't breaking up or something as heinous and drastic as that, but Lu was still pushing him away. As far as he was concerned, their relationship was still new, too new for this sort of legal headache to wrap around them both. If the blonde was thinking that far ahead, he never mentioned it in their numerous phone calls. He only talked and joked and laughed, as if he knew that it made Lu feel infinitely better once they hung up.

Every night before bed, Lu would hand the phone to Lily for the two of them to say their good nights. It was easy and fluid and didn't terrify him at all. In fact, it kept the girl from asking him about seeing Balthazar again. However, he did hear the question come up more than once while she was on the phone. Whatever answer was given, Lu didn't hear, but she accepted it with a pout all the same. That just made the guilt worse. He was almost angry that more people weren't pissed off with him – Michael had made his opinion known when he realized the separation going on – but so long as Balthazar understood, it was fine. Right?

And maybe the nights were longer than usual. Maybe he woke expecting to feel a warm body against him and went through his morning routine like nothing was wrong, nothing was different. Maybe he wanted Balthazar's touch a little too badly lately. Maybe he missed him a little too much.

He told himself that this was for the best. That the phone calls he refused to start were the best things could possibly be right now. He couldn't risk Balthazar getting overwhelmed with him and-... He couldn't risk it.

Until one morning, over a week since this Hell started, after Lu checked the mail. Among the usual bills, credit card scams, and politician fliers was something new. Something from some damn lab several states away. Exactly the letter he had been waiting for, incredibly thankful that he was able to get a peek first before DCFS wrapped their claws into his family again. But all he could do was stare at it, a white scar against his wooden table. A hand glided through his hair again, as if his  _own_ touch could make all of this shit disappear.

“You okay?”

He was so caught up in staring holes into the envelope that he didn't even notice his daughter padding over to his side until he looked over and she was there, worried little eyes staring up at him in confusion and concern. God, he couldn't imagine what all of this was doing to her. “Yeah, I-” He looked back at the unopened letter, like he was trying to get confirmation from it about her question. “I'm okay. I'm sorry.” His hand went through his hair again, and he said it another time as if it would make everything better. “I'm sorry.”

He couldn't do this.

* * *

“Are you sure you don't want anything?”

Balthazar waved a hand of dismissal, settling for just propping his arm against his friend's kitchen island. “No, Cassie. I'm fine.” He couldn't stand just speaking on the phone to people anymore. He had to see  _someone_ face to face, which led to his frequently increasing visits to Castiel's home. Dean was out working for the most part, but otherwise welcomed Balthazar with open arms, though he wasn't home at the moment.

Worry found a permanent fixture in the pit of Balthazar's stomach. Without being able to see Lu, it seemed to just grow every day. He even got back on to his old medicine regimen again, though it seemed to help less now than it used to. Perhaps he shouldn't be driving so much, for that matter.

Cas sat across from him with a glass of water and a heavy sigh. “I have nothing new to tell you,” he sadly began, “I haven't heard from Lu or even so much as seen Lily. Gabriel told me that Sam found a good lawyer, but that's all I've heard.”

Since he  _hated_ bringing this awful shit up with his lover, Balthazar gained an informant in Castiel. It wasn't the best, but at least Cas seemed to be able to find out more than Lu's supposed boyfriend could. Not that Balthazar was bitter about the recent separation as much as he was afraid of it. As soon as things got too real, Lu was ready to quit everything. Honestly, he should have seen this coming... But just as before, his Luce didn't want to let go, so in limbo they remained.

It would be all right. He wasn't cut off yet. Not completely. “Tell them I'll pay the legal cost.”

For some ridiculous reason, that seemed to surprise Cas. “I-... Gabriel told me that he and Michael were chipping in. Me and Dean have discussed how much we can pitch in, too.”

It wasn't so much a shock as it was a warmth that made Balthazar stare at him... and smile. “I imagine Luce isn't entirely aware of it right now, is he?” He paused long enough to shrug and look to the counter top. “If you all demand to put in something, then I'll pay at least half.” Not that Lu would need it. Once all this Child Services nonsense settled, it would be obvious who any judge would side with.

Another silence passed between them, eventually broken when Cas asked, “Have you managed to see him recently?”

His friend knew what was more or less going on relationship-wise, so it didn't come as too much of a shock when Balthazar shook his head. “He's probably getting sick of all my calls, too, not that I've lessened them any.”

“I doubt he has, Balthazar. I'm sure he wants you there with him. Lu's just... dense.”

He snorted at that description and finally looked back to Cas, who had a shade of a smile on his features. “He's busy,” the blonde defended his lover, though he felt like maybe he really shouldn't right now, “This has been a lot on him lately, Cas. I understand.”

His friend nodded and left it at that, though it was obvious how little he accepted the half ass answer. Maybe it was a bit obvious that Balthazar was hurt by the sudden rift between him and what he thought was-... Well, something closer than this, but Luce was distant. It's just the kind of man he was, and Balthazar tried desperately to not take it to heart, but-

“How have _you_ been?”

“Me?” The question was an unexpected one, even as Cas nodded. “I'm fine. Hell of a lot better than Luce right now.”

“You know what I mean.” He did. He avoided it. “This is a lot on you, too.”

“I'm fine, Cas. Really.”

“When did you go to sleep last night?”

“I'm _fine_.” And maybe there was a little too much venom in his voice, but it didn't seem to intimidate his old friend.

“Are you-?”

“Yes, Cassie.” Balthazar threw his hands up in an exaggeration. “I'm taking my bloody sleeping pills. Happy? What else you want to know, mother?”

Finally, the other deflated a little and relented. “I'm sorry... You just don't tell anyone when it starts to get bad.”

Which was true enough. So much so, that he very nearly apologized for blowing up like that, especially when his half-assed answers were mostly lies. He was taking the meds. He just... wasn't very fine right now. “I'm fine. Stop worrying about it. I'm not the one to fret over right now.”

It didn't seem to matter whether Cas bought that or not. Only a beat of silence passed before Balthazar's phone started to ring in his pocket. With a resigned sigh, he pulled it out to look at the ID, figuring he might as well head back to the shop anyway. He had really been scarce since a lot of this started, mostly because he didn't want his body to suddenly feel the exhaustion and fuck up some poor asshole's tattoo.

But it wasn't the shop. He answered faster than lighting, praying to whatever God listening that he didn't sound as anxious as he felt. “Luce?”

The pause on the other end managed to bring to the surface every single one of Balthazar's current nightmares. Lu never called  _him_ . At least, not since this started. Maybe he was just calling to officially break up, and it wasn't something absolutely disastrous.

“ _Hey.”_ There was another silence where Balthazar tried to dissect everything about the one word. Lu didn't sound too good. Finally, as if he had been debating the question even after he called, he asked, _“Are you busy?”_

“No.” Like it would have mattered if he was. “Is everything all right? What's wrong?” Because something was wrong. Something was wrong and, _God_ , he was getting so fucking nervous.

“ _It's nothing. It's-”_ And Lu sighed, a clear indication of defeat and that he was backing out of whatever he was calling for. _“It's nothing. I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you, you know?”_

Now this was a precarious situation. Should he let Lu take the way out, or force the reason for his call out of him? “I miss you, too, Luce.” Castiel rising and making some vague excuse about leaving the kitchen was the only thing that reminded him the other man had been there at all. “Are you sure you're okay?”

“ _I'm okay... I'm sorry I'm never the one calling.”_

As if it was that tipping Balthazar off and not Lu's entire tone of voice. “It's all right, love. You're busy. How's the little one?”

“ _She's doing good.”_ So it wasn't about Lily. _“I think she's starting to get sick of TV, though. She's a people person. I'm just... well, you know, busy.”_

“I think she understands.” Whatever Lu had called about seemed to be somewhat settling, as if he wasn't as on edge. Still, it changed nothing about Balthazar's worry. Something _had_ happened to make his Luce panic in the first place.

“ _She understands way too much, to be honest with you.”_

Balthazar frowned. “She's smart.”

“ _I know...”_ The silence sat between them for another long moment, one trying to gain courage to speak and the other too afraid to interrupt at all. Finally, the former continued. _“Are you-... Sorry, I already asked that.”_

“What do you need, Luce?” Why ask if he was busy again? Why call at all? His entire body felt like it was humming with the need to help in some fucking way, not be on the edge of usefulness just to be pushed aside again. Why couldn't he just be needed? For once?

“ _I was-... Are you free for a little while?_ ”

And it was that defeated, hollow question that made Balthazar swallow and take it all back. It was nice to give comfort and love, but to be needed on this level was something else. He suddenly felt selfish. Lu shouldn't need him or anyone. If he had to, he should be perfect on his own, not beaten down like this... Another pang of guilt flooded through him when he nearly got excited that he may see Lu again. “I am. Where are you?”

“ _Home... I, uh-... I got the results in and I just-”_ Ice went through Balthazar's spine before Lu managed to continue. _“I couldn't open it... I can't. I just-... I'm sorry.”_

He got off the bar stool. “Give me ten minutes.”

“ _Ten minutes?”_ Even in this state, his Luce knew that wasn't the right amount of time from the loft or the shop.

Still, Balthazar just waved to Castiel and opened the door. “Ten minutes.”

* * *

It was about eight minutes later when someone knocked on Lu's door. To be perfectly honest, he felt sickeningly guilty that someone as perfect and beautiful as Balthazar was actually in his life and willing to be so ridiculously present and helpful, even after not seeing him for days- It was unbelievable. He didn't deserve it.

The thought fled when he opened the door, coming face to face with worried blue eyes and a far too happy smile. “Hi, Luce.”

Whatever he had called Balthazar about, whatever reason he now stood at his door was pushed to the side. Lu could only take so much of looking at him before taking a step forward and wrapping the other man in a tight hug. “I need some pictures of you.”

The blonde laughed against him, and Lu felt hands on his back, pulling him just as close. It felt like they hadn't seen each other for years. Dammit, why did he do that? Why did he push him away like that? It was so stupid and so fucking selfish to only call him over in situations like this. That would surely make him run. The thought made Lu grip tighter at him, knowing that he should definitely part with him now instead of burying his face into the other man's shoulder. God, he had missed him so much. “I love you. I'm sorry.”

He felt lips brush against his neck as Balthazar hushed him. “I love you, too. It's okay, Luce.”

The blonde took a shaky breathe, taking in every scent of his lover that he may have forgotten, being reminded again how long it had been since they had any time together, before finally pulling away. “Thank you.”

Balthazar only had time to give a soft smile back before a shrill gasp was heard inside the apartment.

He already knew what it was, but by the time he turned around to find Lily, she was just a blur at his feet as she ran into the blonde's arms. “Balthazar!” The other man had knelt down long enough to pick her up. “I missed you.” Not unlike before, her head was buried into his chest and shoulder, just like her father had done a moment ago. God, he should never have pushed him off like that.

“I've missed you, too, darling,” the blonde smiled, placing a kiss in her hair and walking inside to Lu's beckoning. “It's just been a few days... I'm sorry, but I'm here now, sweetheart. How've you been?”

“Okay,” she mumbled against his shirt. “Bored.”

“Bored,” Balthazar laughed. It sounded so much better in person than it did over the phone... But then it trailed off as the blonde looked at Lu and back to Lily. “I think me and your father need to have a moment, darling.” When she pulled away and looked at him with those big doe eyes, it nearly broke Lu's own heart. He knew it had to have hurt Balthazar, but the other just frowned sadly. “I know, dear, but I won't leave soon either. I-”

“I know,” she said before he was even finished and wrapped her little arms around his neck in a hug. “It's all right.”

With a little smile of his own, the blonde patted her on the back and began moving to her room without any prompting from either party. Really, it was for the best she was out of the way for this. Lu felt like he could hardly stand, much less attempt to keep a straight face with her in the room... This was going to kill him. Even with Balthazar there to soften the blow, even with the sweet sting of seeing him again after so long, it was going to kill him.

Without really knowing what to do, Lu just stood by the door, awkward as hell in his own home, and waited until Balthazar emerged from the hallway and walked straight to him. “You all right?” he asked, gently grabbing on to each of Lu's wrists. Maybe he looked even worse than he felt.

It was all he could do to nod. “She okay?”

“Worried,” he answered, “A bit perturbed, but okay... You know that this will change nothing, right? Whatever it says.”

He couldn't keep fucking lying like this. “That's what everyone keeps saying.” Even to his own ears, his voice sounded far away. Lu attempted to swallow, his throat nothing but dry.

Balthazar didn't seem convinced of the half contrived act, and the fact alone that his lover could see right through him was enough to make him want to collapse. Thankfully, Balthazar spoke softer than Lu had ever heard his voice. “Where is it?”

He nodded to the tiny dining room table, looking forward to sitting down, but willing to stand here forever if it meant never moving forward. But Balthazar tugged on him as gently as he could until Lu finally followed after him. It was like stepping into Hell, but he didn't dare show his fear right now. For some reason, he didn't want to feel vulnerable about this, even to Balthazar, even as he was sat down in the same chair he had occupied for more than hour before picking up the phone.

His lover sat beside him, still holding on to his hand, as Lu stared down at the damn envelope. He somehow thought it would be easier with Balthazar there. Not that it was necessarily worse, but it felt like he had started back at square one with working up his nerves.

They stayed that way for several minutes, Lu staring at the letter, Balthazar staring at him. He felt circles being made against his wrist, slow and steady. He regulated his breathing to the rhythm of it, but even that didn't help. All he wanted to do was light the stove and set the letter on fire. “I can't do it.” The words sounded foreign until he realized that he had spoken at all. Lu licked his lips and shook his head. “I can't do it.”

The grip on his hand tightened and Balthazar shifted closer, but the circles didn't stop. “Want me to?”

Was that why he had called him over? To do something that he was too terrified to do? Even while he was thinking about it, he was nodding all the same, as if it was what he had been waiting for the whole time.

One hand, the one that made the circles in his wrists, picked up the letter, and fear gripped at Lu. He shifted in place, unsure what to do with himself, his breathing pattern shot to hell. The only way he realized how hard he was holding Balthazar's hand was when it started to ache. “Wait, I-”

His lover turned to him, like he really would set it on fire if Lu had asked him to... but they couldn't. God, fucking- They couldn't. A choked whine escaped him and- Dammit.

Lu let go of Balthazar's hand, turning to the side and burying himself into the man's shoulder again, like hiding would work. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it.

“Luce.” The breath stuck in his throat, and his hands hurt from gripping at him so hard, jaw throbbing from the tension he was putting his teeth through, like he was bracing for getting shot in the chest. He felt himself shaking. He felt himself crying. “My love, she's yours.”

His head barely rose to greet the soft voice, just enough to see a glimpse of his lover's smile. “Luce, she's yours, my love. She's yours.” His eyes roved over to look for himself, but he couldn't see through the watery tears. Balthazar's word was truth enough, though. She was his. His.

He sobbed harder, shaking worse, as his lover pushed the note aside and held him tight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the length of this one makes up for the shortness of that last one. I feel like I should apologize all the same. Sorry it's so ridiculously long?


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just heard Say Something by A Great Big World and I WAS GOING TO CRY so I decided to write and cry at the same time since all I could think about was Balcifer. Don't listen to it. You'll cry.

It didn't take much to convince Balthazar to stay the night. Actually, he probably would have been pretty depressed that evening if he wasn't asked to, but that's beyond the fact. Once Lu calmed down and took everything in from a more logical stand point, he suddenly seemed happier about the world in general and asked Balthazar to stay for dinner. When that was nearly over, it seemed too painfully obvious that his strawberry blonde wasn't ready for him to leave yet.

The blonde had to keep his excitement in check when Lu asked, “So what are you doing tomorrow?”

Lily, poor thing, didn't notice the double question, but she still listened intently while chewing her food. The girl seemed happy tonight. What was depressing was Lu's surprise that she seemed happy tonight. “No real plans to speak of,” Balthazar answered, trying to bite back a smile, “Why?”

Luce shrugged. “Small talk,” he smiled halfheartedly, as if he were too shy to outright ask, but this was his usual way, wasn't it? Dance around the subject of what he really wanted, because it probably added up to something selfish or undeserving in that beautiful head of his.

But Balthazar just smiled in return, not really wanting to bring it up with Lily there. He wouldn't stick around if Lu was adamant about keeping up with their little separation (as much as it pained him), and throwing the girl's opinion in probably wouldn't help. Though, he did reach over the table to grab on to his Luce's hand with a firm squeeze, hoping to project that as much as the stubborn man tried pushing him off, he wasn't going anywhere. Reassurance of their relationship remaining stable when all of this was over seemed like the most he could give - the most he was _allowed_ to give. If Luce would just let him give everything else-...

Somehow, his thoughts and feelings must have transferred with the touch. It was the only reason he could think of that would make Lu look up and stare at him like that. A subtle shock spread across his face, like he was only just realizing that it was Balthazar touching him like that. Actually, perhaps the touch itself was shocking to him. Maybe that's why he mindlessly asked, “And what are you doing tonight?”

After a few smiles passed between them all and peace swept across the apartment again, like the tension in the air was finally evaporating, Balthazar made up an excuse or two to head back to his apartment for a few things. On a normal day, he wouldn't think of leaving behind Lu and Lily for even a second, but they both bought the excuse of clothes and movies as well as anyone else would. Not that the blonde was going to admit that he was going back for medicines that would just make the insomnia a thousand times worse if he skipped a dose. At least, he wasn't going to admit it to them.

And if he decided to stuff lube and condoms in the bottom of his duffel bag, then that was just an added bonus.

That evening, to make up to the girl for not informing her of Balthazar's last sleep over, they watched the entirety of the Back To The Future trilogy. While the blonde was busy pointing out every small, glorious detail in the movies to the far too interested child, Lu quietly draped himself on his lover's side, adding a few quips here and there but mostly smiling to the pair, watching them more than the movies. Balthazar pretended he didn't notice aside from holding him closer.

The movies ran a little later than the girl's bedtime, so she made no complaints when Lu promptly put her to bed before the credits could finish rolling. It was wondrous she kept her eyes open that long from the yawns coming from her, but she was determined to see how the marathon ended before calling it a night.

When Lu returned from her bedroom, he walked straight up to Balthazar who sat on the couch again after putting away the movies, and placed a kiss on his temple. “Thank you,” he muttered quietly and left it at that, shielding himself away from whatever emotion he seemed too scared to admit to.

His Luce was an interesting creature. He couldn't figure out exactly how the man's mind worked. Of course, he knew about him feeling _unworthy_ of affection, but Balthazar couldn't place himself on so high a pedestal as to be _too good_ for someone like Lu. In fact, the other way around seemed to be far more accurate and would have been something the blonde would have believed wholeheartedly once upon a time; that he wasn't good enough for Lu and the other man was finally seeing it. But that didn't make much sense either, seeing as how Lu couldn't stop clinging to him since he got there. No, Lu needed someone. And maybe he wasn't the best person for the job, but now was hardly the time to play that game again. His Luce needed someone now, someone that would be good to him and treat him perfectly... Someone that Lu would actually let in and allow to be there for him.

That would have to be a thought for another time. Right now, Luce loved  _him_ . He belonged to Lu, and Lu belonged to him. Qualified or not, Balthazar would make it work somehow.

That was the thought process leading him to this moment, laying quietly in bed and watching his lover watch him. Lu started it, but Balthazar wasn't at all adverse to find that he was being stared at. In fact, he turned on his side to face him.

A small, restrained smiled tried to bloom over the strawberry blonde's face as he glanced away. After a brief moment, the blue eyes darted back up to him, and Balthazar couldn't help his own amused smirk. Lu glanced away again, a hint of a real smile almost gracing his features. “Sorry.”

“I like it when you stare,” he flirtatiously admitted, but there was truth in the statement. A look like that made him want to preen like a bird or something.

But it got the desired result. Lu laughed, flashing a very real smile through that tension still left on him. Finally, his Luce settled in and watched Balthazar without shame for a long moment, during which the blonde couldn't help but blush a little and finally give an awkward laugh of his own. “What?”

“I like staring at you.”

“Oh, stop.”

And then it was  _that_ look again. Balthazar caught it through both of their silly giggles, the same look that put him on the spot the last time he was in this room – and what a morning to remember that was. The same way Lu sometimes looked at his daughter when she wasn't paying him any mind. A looked that made Balthazar's face flush and the smiles cease. It was one that made his knees far too wobbly for his own good.

Lu's gaze flicked away from his eyes, skimming down to Balthazar's lips, jaw, throat, chest- He wasn't looking away like before. Instead, he seemed to be drinking him all in for the brief moment of peace they had. That is, until Lu's sight seemed to go right through him, and he murmured in a breath, “I love you.”

Balthazar wanted to respond, he did, but when his lover's eyes bore back into his with a striking blue, words and air both failed him. Dark blonde hair slightly tasseled, worn and rough skin too dark to not be slightly tanned, old t-shirt nearly in tatters, blue eyes capturing every bit of light in the dark room. God, he was beautiful.

Then he moved to wrap his arms around Balthazar before he could even react. Strong arms wrapped around his ribs and held him tightly against Lu's warm body. “I'm way too lucky to have you.”

Now that the man wasn't staring into him, Balthazar could think a bit again. The first thing he did was chuckle at the statement, and wrap his own arms around his Luce. “It's not luck, love,” he whispered back against his ear, “I've loved you for a long time now.”

He felt the tilt of Lu's head, like the man was surprised by the confession, so Balthazar just continued. “Maybe not at first sight, certainly, but you weren't exactly hard on the eyes in that bar either.” He paused long enough to feel a smile against his neck. “But I was shocked the next time I saw you – really shocked, obviously – but by the time you left... I just couldn't stop thinking about you. I asked you out for fear I wouldn't see you again and asked you back to my place for the same reason. And even then, I knew I was going far too fast because I already cared for you too much by that point, but by the time it was over-... I had never felt like that before. Ever.” The arms encircling him tightened. “I didn't even realize it until you offered to give me whatever I wanted, and I was terrified that I would admit things that I shouldn't if you had that much control over me.”

At that, Lu pulled far enough away to trace his nose and lips over the blonde's jaw before coming to his face, hardly an inch apart. “Is that what the tea thing was over?”

Balthazar couldn't help the laugh even if he tried. “That's exactly what it was over.” And before he could catch his breath, his lover's lips were on his.

It was surprisingly slow and soft, a brush of lips and tongues, yet it somehow felt like one of the most intimate touches Balthazar had ever felt. Like it  _meant_ something more than it was. His heart felt like it could break in two from the feeling, of being so close to so much love and pushed away all the same. Of not truly being needed... but it felt so much like he was, with Luce's hands gripping at his shirt so hard and a sound almost like a sob escaping his lips between their kisses.

To hell about what it was. He knew what it felt like.

Balthazar pushed against him until Lu rolled onto his back and the blonde could straddle him. His lips finally pulled away from his lover's to ghost slower against his skin, along his jaw and up to his ear. He felt his Luce arch faintly beneath him and make a vain attempt at stifling a moan. “Balthazar...”

“Don't get too excited,” the other teased with a smile. He knew what his Luce wanted, that much was terribly clear, but he also knew exactly what he needed, and it wasn't a five minute round of rough sex. His hands gently glided over his lover's arms, trying to coax him to not hold on so tightly for once. “Relax, love,” he breathed against his ear, “I've got you.”

Lu whimpered against him, gripping harder for a moment before finally forcing his body to relax against him. His lover took deep breaths, trying to calm his breathing as an arm fell to his side. Well, at least he was trying. The blonde smirked, amused by how much force it took for his Luce to make his own body relax when he was on top of him like that. He quietly hushed him, hand smoothly running down the other man's arm to lightly grip at his hand.

He let go just as quickly to hike up Lu's shirt. When it got as far as his chest, the other got the message and rose up enough for Balthazar to finish taking it off. He leaned back down to kiss at his neck and moved to the now exposed collar bone, moving slowly across the expanse of his chest from one side to the other, keeping one hand over Lu's heart. He loved feeling it flutter and pound at every touch he made.

Balthazar wasn't even really kissing him anymore. Sure, he paid special attention to a few spots, but his lips mostly just glided against his lover's heated flesh, kissing when he felt like it, nipping when he felt like it. Just breathing in his scent, feeling hands move over his shirt and tangle in his hair. Then Lu whined.

It was so obvious that the sound was an accident that Balthazar couldn't help chuckling at it. In response, Lu gave an annoyed groan, but breathed a laugh anyway. This felt too perfect. The blonde kissed the spot right above his belly button. “Roll over.”

His Luce hummed appreciatively but didn't say anything as he did as was bid.

It was Balthazar's every intention to do the same to that beautiful back of his lover's, then he saw her name. LILITH in big, black letters under Lu's neck that Balthazar put there himself. A  _real_ mark. He leaned forward and kissed the knob of his Luce's spine and ran his hands through the wings... That's when his plans left him. Lu was tense as hell.

The blonde frowned, running his hands along Lu's back again, feeling the muscles all in a knot. “To hell with this.”

Lu turned his head to him, his spine going rigid with a look of fear and shock on his face. “Wha-”

“Shh, love.” Perhaps his words sounded too hasty and harsh, so he made it up with a gentle kiss to his temple, cheek, and jaw in that order. Whatever fear he had seemed to subside, but the tension didn't leave until Balthazar kneaded into a muscle over his shoulder blade.

The strawberry blonde sucked in a quick breath, letting it out in one low groan. “Ohh, where'd you learn this?”

“Chile,” Balthazar answered back, endlessly amused with this reaction.

“Of course, it was Chile.”

The blonde laughed. “Shh, love,” he repeated with a chuckle, “Just relax.”

There was some sort of confirming moan escaping Lu's lips in way of an answer, so Balthazar kept working. When one muscle loosened, another knot was never far from it. He moved across Lu's shoulders first before traveling down each of his ribs. By the time he got to his lower back, fifteen minutes had passed and Lu was a moaning wreck.

Balthazar trailed his hands back up Lu's wings to land on his shoulders, skin flushed and warm. “Oh my God,” his lover breathed against the pillow, eyes closed, looking a bit funny in his far too relaxed position with the pillow smooshed against his face, “I love you so much.”

The blonde gave an amused smirk and bent forward until he could press a little kiss to Lu's cheek. “I love you, too... Are you all right, Luce?”

He could see his lover's sleepy smile even in the dark as he hummed beneath him. “I'd tell you to fuck me but I don't think I can move.”

With another laugh, Balthazar climbed off of him to lay down on Lu's side. “I'll fuck you in the morning,” he happily replied with another peck to his lover's forehead. Just being here with him was more than enough. Lu could tell him to do anything, and he would do it without hesitation... Perhaps the other man knew that.

But his eyes finally fluttered open, a little spark of blue searching and zeroing in on him with a far too happy smile, before lazily lifting one arm to put around Balthazar's waist. The blonde moved closer to put his arms around him, too. It might have not been the most ideal position in the world, but they seemed to both be comfortable either way. That is, until Lu smirked wider and laughed, “I really need that picture of you.” As if that alone was enough resolve for him to move, the strawberry blonde lifted himself by the elbows to wave a blind hand for his phone on the nightstand.

He was entirely serious about that picture... Instead of thinking too deeply on it, as Balthazar was prone to do about everything, he just smirked. “Shirt on or off?”

“Definitely on the floor,” Lu answered once finding his prize.

He had just finished pulling the shirt off when the roles were suddenly reversed and it was his lover straddling his hips. Out of habit, Balthazar pressed his hands against them to hold him steady, making Lu smirk a little more at the touch while he looked for the app on his phone. “Won't it be too dark in here, love?”

“I've got a flash,” he answered, seeming to find the app since he tilted his phone a little. “Don't look at me. Look at the camera.”

“Do you want robust athlete who seconds as a model face or horny whore who's late on rent face?”

“I want my loving jackass,” Lu laughed, all tension of the outside world finally gone from him completely. And, God, he was so damn beauti-

Balthazar was blind. “Jesus, you do have a flash.”

Lu rolled off of him, falling on to the bed with a slight bounce while showing him the picture with pride. “How's that?”

If the blonde wanted to be honest, it wasn't too terribly amazing of a picture. He was happy in it, so there was that much. But his Luce loved it, so who was he to say anything. “If you like it-”

“I love it.”

“Well,” Balthazar took the phone and repositioned himself over Lu, the strawberry blonde's hands immediately landing on his thighs, “now I need one. Say cheese.”

“Do you want slutty twenty-something face or-”

The blonde rolled his hips into his lover's, effectively shutting him up and getting the best blissed out look he'd ever fucking seen. The resulting picture – which Lu grumbled about the flash, too – showed shock, lust, love, and happiness all in one. The little smile playing on his Luce's lips was his favorite bit. He quickly sent it to himself, hearing his phone chime somewhere in the room. (The heart beside his name in Lu's contacts did not go unnoticed.)

“I wanna see, cheater.”

He looked back to his real Luce and held the phone away with a smirk. “No, it's mine.”

The strawberry blonde grabbed on to Balthazar's waist and used the leverage to haul himself up into a sitting position, immediately going for his lover's lips, the phone forgotten for a moment.

Balthazar pushed forward until Luce's back was on the bed again, but strong arms kept him from moving away. His lover hitched his hips again and moaned into the kiss, leaving no room for hinting around about what he wanted. The blonde smirked into the kiss, happy that he thought ahead for this, before placing the phone to the side and moving his now free hand down to his Luce's sweatpants.

No matter how much he pleaded and whined, Balthazar went slower with him than he ever had before, kissing what flesh he could reach before being completely unable to take it anymore. He kissed Lu to swallow the loud, beautiful groan he made when he finally came, realizing that he liked kissing his Luce through his orgasms more than he cared to admit.

It didn't take long after for Lu to fall asleep in his arms with his back pressed against his lover's chest. The miraculous thing was Balthazar falling asleep with him.

* * *

Lu did enjoy his life, but there were very few things he loved in this world. Waking up to Balthazar was quickly climbing that list.

This morning was almost exactly like the last one they had together, minus the sex, and his lover was so intoxicating and beautiful that he was already in the middle of a shower before Lu remembered all of the hardships going on in his life via the outside world. Everything that encompassed _Ruby_. It was amazing he forgot the situation for even a moment what with the custody of his daughter hanging in the air, yet he felt refreshed and ready to take on whatever they decided to throw at him today.

As usual, Balthazar always knew exactly what he needed. A moment of peace and love had done wonders for him. And, _God_ , he had missed Balthazar so much. Missed his laugh and touch and smile. Perhaps it would end up being a bad idea, but Lu wanted to go back to the way things were before. His lover seemed like he would be all for that idea, even if it was still risky.

It was after breakfast and everyone had gotten dressed with tentative goodbyes hanging in the air around them, that someone knocked at Lu's door. Lily immediately poked her head up over the couch since it seemed to always be someone in their little family, but they usually called or texted ahead... Besides, Lu had a funny feeling it was all of his problems coming back in a rush. Last night was a dream, and the world wanted to remind him of it.

Balthazar, always seeming to sense everything he felt, began to stand, but Lu didn't acknowledge the obvious offer. He merely got up and went to door, opening it quickly and hoping this would be over soon. After all, DCFS usually called or something.

And, of course, it was DCFS. Naomi, the woman in charge, and the red head girl that had introduced herself as the worker on his case. Charlie, he remembered her name was. Where Naomi was all professionalism, Charlie seemed to genuinely care about what happened to Lily, whether that be with her mother, father, or someone else entirely, but she cared for Lily and that was all that mattered to Lu.

But today – Lu sighed internally – there was another woman with them that he didn't know. She wore a small white dress that hugged her figure and giant sunglasses that made her look like a bug. The woman looked like the personification of money, and Lu wondered who picked this thing as a lawyer. Who else could she be?

Naomi opened her mouth, presumably to introduce the pair, when the woman pulled her glasses up to perch on top of her hair. Before anyone could make a noise, Lu was suddenly struck with recognition.

Ruby crossed her arms. “I'm here to see my daughter.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took so long to update. I had most of it written last weekend, but the pacing is going all off for me. It's supposed to be going faster than this. BUT that's okay. At least I'm writing at all. Lol Thanks for reading!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know why I'm late this time. I guess the holiday's are just too busy to really do anything else with. But, some good news, I thought up a little Christmas blurb related to this fic that I'm 98% sure that I'll write someday very soon, so be on the look out for that. I love Christmas ficlets.
> 
> Anyway, on to the show.

The unfamiliar voice that drifted in from the hallway stopped Balthazar dead. That couldn't have been what he heard... But one look up to Lu, sensing every bit of the tension he had just worked out of that man and then some returning in a flourish to his rigid body, did enough to confirm who was actually at the door.

Good Lord, that woman was crazy to show up here after everything. To see Lucifer face-to-face who no doubt wanted to do nothing more than to squeeze her eyes out. Or maybe Balthazar was just projecting one of his latest fantasies about the mysterious Ruby.

He quickly glanced to Lily, wondering if she just heard what he did. From the blank look of confusion on her face, she had but didn't really know what to do with the information, likely not putting two and two together with who was at the door... Balthazar desperately wanted to go over there and join his Luce right now, but the little one would more than likely follow if he did, even if he told her to stay put. So he stayed still as well, realizing a full five seconds have already passed and Lu hadn't moved an inch.

“Really,” at least his lover was finally speaking, as hushed and strained as his voice was, “You don't even want to talk to me.” Balthazar could practically feel him say, _It's been years, you bitch._

“Not to you,” the woman said again, “Can I be alone with her?”

Lu's hand tightened on the door handle for a brief second so hard that it looked like he could break something, before another female voice interrupted. “The father has to be present.”  _Thank God._

“Fine,” the first spoke again. “Where is she?”

Luce tightened his jaw, but seemed to give up on whatever battle was going on and looked back into the apartment at him. Balthazar swallowed, receiving the message and looking to Lily. “Come here, darling. There's someone you need to meet.” Should he tell her? This was too sudden for the girl. She deserved a more advanced warning than five seconds... but she didn't ask who, so Balthazar didn't say anything as he lifted her up to his hip and brought her to the door to stand beside Lu.

There were three women. A short redhead with conservative clothes and a worried look on her face, another older woman next to her in slacks and a dress shirt, face as blank as could be, and the only one he could even assume was Ruby. He would like to think she  _wasn't_ though. As much as he loathed the woman so far, as much as he once selfishly feared her ever coming back into the lives of his new family, he still wished it was one of the two in the back and not this half-cocked looking bitch. But her face, her hair, she looked too much like the little one to be anyone except the mother.

When her eyes landed on Lily, Balthazar was thankful to at least see some emotion stir in her, but it was gone when she looked to him and frowned. “Who are you?”

“The pool boy,” he answered in a tight-lipped smile, but caught Lu's eyes closing out of his peripheral vision before receiving a resounding glare. He looked back to his lover and sighed, deciding that being an arse wasn't the best course right now. “I'm Balthazar,” he replied more genuinely, but the woman looked him up and down one good time and promptly began to ignore him.

Her attention turned to the little one in his arms, as she put on a sickly sweet smile. He couldn't decide if it was genuine or not. “Hey, baby.”

Lily turned her head and promptly buried her face into Balthazar's neck... He didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, thankful that she wasn't putting up with this woman's shit either, but this was still her mother.

“Sorry,” Lu's voice was quiet, almost sincere. When Balthazar glanced up to the party around them again, he did happen to see a look of hurt on the woman's face. “She's shy around... uh, people she... doesn't know...” Ruby frowned, jaw tensing, but Lu came to the rescue before something bad happened. “Can we... please just talk? Alone? I mean, they can come, too, just-”

“I'm not here to talk to you,” she said again with a pointed glare.

Instead of getting angry or fighting her off, like Balthazar very nearly expected, he just sighed again in defeat and turned to take Lily from the blonde's arms. To the surprise of both of them, she whined and clung harder to Balthazar. “Lily,” Lu muttered, “Please, baby. Just for a minute. I'm sorry.” Even with her father rubbing a hand against her back, the little one didn't dare to budge.

As much as it pained him to try, Balthazar took a deep breath and adjusted her weight in his arms. “Sweetheart, this nice lady just wants to talk to you for a moment. We'll be right here. We're not going anywhere.” Finally, after what seemed like some deliberation, Lily raised her head enough to peak up at him, and Balthazar was thankful to see that she hadn't started crying. He gave her a little smile, hoping the reassurance would coax her out more. “Do you know who this is?” Her bright little eyes glanced down and back up to him... She-

“Yes, you do, baby,” Lu murmured, still rubbing her back, as she glanced to him and finally back to Ruby again.

The woman, now that Balthazar looked to her again, actually looked surprised as she stared at the girl. “She does?” Of course she did. If Lu had any sort of picture of the woman, he would have given it to Lily.

Ignoring her, Lu tried again to take Lily with a quiet, “come here.” She glanced back to Balthazar again, as if trying to remind him that he said he wasn't going anywhere, as she was taken back into the arm's of her father. Luce stepped up to them, effectively making Lily get closer, but this time the little one didn't look away from her. She just stared at the woman with the same look Ruby was giving right back at her: hesitant astonishment.

Again, Ruby smiled that sickeningly, almost fake thing again, like she didn't know if she really wanted to get close or not. “Hi, baby girl.”

To her credit, Lily didn't turn away again, but she didn't answer either. The little one kept staring back, seemingly unsure of what to do.

That... didn't please Ruby. Her eyes snapped to Luce again, brows furrowing. “What did you tell her?”

Again, he didn't get angry with the woman even as Balthazar was somewhat restraining himself from clawing her pretty little eyes out. He just looked tired as he answered, “She asked where you were. I told her the truth, Ruby.”

She didn't seem to like that answer too much either, but her scowl was the only thing that spoke. She was at least smart enough to know what she had done. With a huff, Ruby looked back to the girl, trying to put that smile back on. “Want to come live with me?” Okay. Balthazar straightened up. “I can give you a lot more toys than your dad can.” Lu reached out a hand to place on the blonde's arm before he even realized he was moving at all. Thankfully, it stopped him, and Lu's arm went back to wrap around the girl.

Lily, again, didn't speak. Even as they waited for her to do something, say something, nothing happened.

Ruby got the hint in the end, but let out a deep breath and shifted her weight. “Well, you seem to know a lot about me, but I guess I don't know much about you. How old are you now?”

As if he were trying to actually help her, Lu lightly shook his head vaguely enough for her to catch, which she did and promptly sent him another glare for it. Instead, she tried again. “What school are you in? Are you making any friends?” Lily didn't answer, and Lu just shook his head again. At that, she smacked her lips and seemed to give up. “All right, that's okay,” Ruby sighed, replacing her shades, “We'll get to know each other a lot more later. All right, baby girl?”

Lu scowled and frowned. “Ruby, I want to talk-”

“I said, no,” she repeated, and promptly stomped off, leaving the rest of them behind.

The two women watched her go, both with a wary sigh and glance back and forth. The eldest one nodded, “Thank you, Mr. Pellegrino. I'm sorry about just arriving like that without any prior notice.” He shook his head, about to say something, likely to rebuke the apology, but Balthazar was glad when he ended up not replying.

The woman nodded and began to take her leave before she noticed the younger one not moving yet. “I'll, uh-” the redhead cleared her throat, “I'll be around tomorrow morning to check on things. Okay?” This time, Lu nodded, but still didn't bother giving a verbal answer. Thankfully, the two women finally walked off as well.

That's when Lily wiggled herself away from her father's grasp and promptly ran to her room.

* * *

Lu and Balthazar had taken turns knocking on her door for the last two hours, trying to garner some sort of response, but they were only met with silence and neither wanted to just barge in just yet. It was the blonde that finally muttered, “She needs time, love,” that made Lu stop from getting far too emotional right now than he needed to be and doing something stupid.

They had managed to cuddle up on the couch in silence for some time now, but Lu happily lost track of the time as his lover drifted his fingers through his hair. Finally, Lu bit his tongue, and finally just decided to say it. “I am so sorry you were here for that, but I'm really glad you were.” He  _loved_ Balthazar so much and needed him so badly with all of the shit going on recently. The fear that his beautiful lover would get sick of them and leave was even more prevalent in his mind now than it used to be, but he found himself almost not caring about the stupid fear. He needed him. “I still didn't want you to get involved in all of this, though.”

The answer he received was a kiss to the forehead. “For better or worse, I believe is how the words go.”

Lu shut his eyes and sighed. “Balthazar-”

“I'm serious, love.” The hand that was playing in his hair went to his jaw, effectively opening his eyes to a stunning blue. “I told you. I'm here.”

The strawberry blonde felt his tension leave him at the words, and he moved to rest his head against his lover's shoulder again. “I just didn't want things to go that way.”

“I know... but she did that to herself, love. She did all of this.”

“I know,” Lu sighed again, “and she cares. I think she cares... It's just- She refuses to even speak to me. And it was like she was trying to distance herself further. Did you see that?”

He felt a frown against his forehead as Balthazar's head tilted. “What do you mean?”

“I don't know. She just, like, was on the brink of really doing something, but kept taking the superficial route instead. It's like she's- I don't know... I don't know. It's crazy.”

“Like she's purposely trying to pull something?”

“Yeah,” Lu leaned up to look at him again, hoping to see that the man knew the same path he was following, but Balthazar just looked back at him in confusion... Lu rested his head against him again. “I don't know. I'm just paranoid right now. I'm too damn scared.”

Balthazar held him a bit tighter, but didn't answer him again for a moment. “How do you think the little one is?” he eventually asked, and Lu just frowned more.

“I don't know. This was too soon for her. Too unexpected... And then Ruby tries to act her ass towards her... I wish she would just let me in there...” After a moment, he groaned. “She'll be okay,” he continued, “I know she will be. I just wish she'd let me answer all of the questions she has right now. I'm not sure what she pictured Ruby to be like before this happened, but I'm pretty sure all dreams of what her mom was really like just shattered.”

After a beat, Balthazar muttered, “She has you.”

“... And I hope I can always be here for her, but I'm not her mother. No one is except for Ruby.” He almost said that no one could replace it, and maybe he didn't think anyone could once upon a time. Sure, Balthazar didn't exactly have a feminine touch, but at least he was another unit. Another half of a whole. “She has you, too, though.” This was a thought Lu hadn't dared to really look at before. Yes, he loved how his lover and daughter interacted, and Balthazar brought up the word _parent_ in regards to himself some time ago when they almost broke off everything between them, but Lu hadn't really _thought_ about it.

Now that he did, Balthazar was nothing but a wonderful father. The idea alone made him hold the man tighter to him.

“I don't plan on going anywhere either, Luce.” The words were spoken against his hair, followed quickly by another soft kiss against his skin.

He thought it over for a moment, before deciding what the hell and just saying, “You make a great dad.”

Balthazar froze beneath him, almost making Lu worry, until he gave a laugh. A laugh that sounded far too happy and wonderful to just be anything in passing, but when Lu glanced up to see him, all he got was a kiss. Instead of a peck, like he expected, the chaste thing lasted for a few seconds before the blonde pulled away from him again. “Thank you.” Lu smiled and glanced down, but Balthazar was shifting out from beneath him even as he tried to find the words. “Can I go have a shot at the little one?”

Instead of going back to the earlier topic, he just smiled. “Be my guest.” With another kiss against his lips, Balthazar stood and- and looked to Lily standing at the end of the hall.

Her little eyes were red and new tears seemed to be springing up, but her pout didn't look like anything catastrophic. Not even looking to her father, she raised her arms for Balthazar to take her, and without a word, the blonde walked forward and did so with no hesitation.

Lu wondered just how much she over heard as his lover sat back down on the couch again, before deciding that it didn't matter if she heard them or not. She seemed to take to Balthazar to being a part of their lives much quicker than Lu had been able to.

The blonde had positioned her in his lap so that she faced Lu, and she did so with a little pout even though she still clung to Balthazar. “Was that my mother?” she asked him, the first words she had managed since the woman stormed off.

He forced his dry throat to swallow and nodded. “Yeah, baby. That was her.”

She huffed and snuggled closer to Balthazar, her tears finally stopping. It took a moment of Lily looking much too far away for someone her age before asking, “Why does she want us to live with her?”

Lu could swallow his tongue right now, and he didn't look to Balthazar as he tried to tackle that one. “Not us. She just wants you to go... live with her. She's your mother, Lil'. It's okay for her to want that.”

“By myself?” Lu nodded. “I don't know her. I don't want to go.”

What the hell was he supposed to tell her? That they would never let her go with Ruby? And if the state demanded it, what then? He couldn't lie to the girl, but how the hell could he tell her the truth? “You'll get to know her.” Maybe she wouldn't like Ruby, but if any of this shit happened, they definitely wouldn't be strangers by the end of it. “And nothing's happening right now, baby. You might not have to go at all.”

That answer didn't seem to satisfy her. “But why does she want me to go live with her?”

He just- “Because, baby. You're her daughter, just like you're mine. You're her little girl, too-”

“But she doesn't know me either,” Lily interrupted, “She doesn't know how old I am.” Lu snapped his mouth shut, truly not knowing what to say to that. What could he say? It was too obvious that Ruby knew nothing about her, didn't even bother to ask DCFS before coming over. Maybe she was just trying to get Lily to talk, but... that was the wrong way of doing it. “You said she wasn't coming back,” she went on, “but she did and she doesn't know anything about me.”

“She might _want_ to get to know you,” he didn't even know why he was taking up for Ruby, “She's still your mother.” For now, he ignored Balthazar's glances. All he wanted to do was give the damn woman a chance. She didn't deserve it, but Lily did. His little girl deserved everything.

But the girl just pouted back to him and hid her face in his lover's chest. “I want Balthazar to be my mother, not her.”

He looked up to the blonde, but found no amused smile from him. The other man just sadly looked down at her and patted her hair. “I am here, little one,” he softly told her, “but she's still a part of your life.”

“When _she_ wants to be,” her muffled voice grumbled.

Lu sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Dammit, she was too smart for her own good... again. All he could do was say the only thing he was absolutely sure of. “Well, we're here.”

“We'll always be here,” Balthazar muttered to her, making the strawberry blonde's heart skip a beat. Whether out of fear or affection from the statement, he didn't know, but she finally looked up at them again, just resting her little head against his chest now.

Instead of saying anything, Lu let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and just moved closer to the two of them, holding them both close... It wasn't even noon yet...

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should start this off with an apology. Not to give anything away, but Trigger Warning for Massive Homophobes. I am so fucking sorry.

Lu stood outside of Balthazar's door, trying to decide if he should come up with some elaborate lie or tell the truth. Again, thoughts of getting around this, of cheating the fucked up system, came to the forefront of his mind. After all, this was wrong. But if they were found out, would it be worth it? This wasn't some seventh grade math test- Hell, this wasn't the Olympics. Lily meant more to him than the world, the universe, all of creation. More than NASA and New York. More than Balthazar.

On shaky legs, trying to will himself to keep it together, he knocked.

* * *

True to her word, the morning after the Ruby Incident, Charlie came by to visit with Lily. The young woman was nice, blunt, cheerful, and able to see the good in people. Lu liked her, especially for the fact that she genuinely cared.

So when she arrived with a little frown, Lu was already tipped off way before she announced that the adults needed to have a private chat. “Our Director was wondering when you'd have free time to have a meeting with him.”

He didn't like the way she said it. His Balthazar had spent the entire previous day trying to convince him that the worst was over. The DNA testing came back good, Ruby decided to act like a bitch in front of the people that could grant her custody, it was all down hill from here. At some point, Lu stupidly began to believe him. “I thought the Director at Child Services was Naomi.”

“She's my supervisor. Mr. Zachariah Fuller is the Director. He wanted to meet with you about... yesterday. Ruby and everything.”

With a little sigh, he nodded. “Is this going to be a good talk?”

“I think so,” but Charlie still frowned and glanced back to the living room again, “But Mr. Fuller's met with Ruby a lot. This is going to be the first time he's seeing you.” Figures. “It's not like I talk to the guy regularly, so I really don't know what's going to happen. I'll be at this meeting, though, with Naomi.”

“And Lily?”

“I already asked. He said he just wanted to meet with you.”

“When?”

And things moved rather quickly from there. The next day, Lu left his girl in Gabriel's capable hands and went to this hopefully decent meeting, but it was only after he was in Fuller's office that he felt like this was actually going to be kind of a big deal. It felt more like an inquisition than a meeting.

Only one chair sat in front of Fuller's heavy oak desk, leaving Naomi and Charlie to stand. That told him the guy was a jackass or this wouldn't take long or both. The man himself wore a suit and an entirely too business-like grin. Like they were there to discuss a mortgage and Fuller was about to triple his interest rate... He did not like this.

The bastard at least had the decency to stand up and lend out a hand to Lu. “Mr. Pellegrino! Happy you could make it.” The hand shake was firm and short. “Please, have a seat.” They both sat, and Lu wondered about the ratio of how much Fuller was going to speak during this meeting versus him. While the man looked at a few documents, Lu chanced a glance to Charlie who gave a tight lipped grin and small shrug of her shoulders. Naomi merely watched Fuller with little interest.

“So,” Fuller loudly exclaimed, closing his folders again, “Mr. Pellegrino, I heard you got to meet with Lily's mother yesterday. How did that go?”

Well that felt like a trap, but Lu kept calm and answered like a dignified person would. “Ruby didn't stay very long, but she wanted to talk to Lily.”

“And did she get to?”

_Yes, you dumbass. Naomi and Charlie both saw the whole thing._ “Of course, but Lily didn't do much in the way of talking back. Still, it's good.”

“Good?” Just like Lu figured, he latched on to that. “How is it good that Lilith didn't speak back to her mother, Mr. Pellegrino?”

Yep. He's a jackass. “It's good that Lily _saw her_. Met her. Right now, she's trying to figure out her real mother versus the one she's no doubt imagined all these years. Once they get to know each other a little better, Lily will definitely open up more.” He may have been putting emphasis on Ruby's absence a bit.

Fuller nodded his head, as if he understood the explanation, before turning to a different topic he could no doubt dig his claws into. “And it's my understanding that there was another person there at this meeting?”

Well, this was going to be fun. “Balthazar, yes. Ruby refused to come inside or doing anything other than stay out in the hall, and Lily didn't want to let go of him.”

“Balthazar,” Fuller repeated his name and Lu resisted clenching his teeth. “And who is he exactly? If he's family, you haven't listed him with our information.”

“I did list him actually,” which was true enough. “He and I are together.”

“Oh,” the Director furrowed his brow in an entirely too non-surprised way.

Before he could do anything else, Lu jumped in. “That's not a problem, is it?”

“No, of course not,” Zachariah leaned back in his seat, steepling his hands over his stomach, “but it might be with the state.”

Lu paused, the shock no doubt evident on his face that someone would stoop that fucking low, as he imagined himself flying over that desk. “Excuse me?”

He shrugged a shoulder, like it was just the blunt truth. “Same sex marriage might be legalized now, but a lot of people question the right of same sex couples to have custody.”

No, wait. Wait, wait. This was going too fast. He couldn't keep up. “I'm her _father_. Custody would be given to _me_ , not Balthazar.” For now, at least. Until he could get his head back on straight.

“Well, you might have to find yourself telling that to a jury.” Zachariah sighed, like he was breaking bad news. “Unfortunately, they often side with the mother in most of these cases.”

Lu blinked hard – like _really_ hard – trying to wrap his head around this. “Ruby... _abandoned_ Lily when she was six months old. _Six months_ and she left with another guy... What jury in their right mind would give her sole custody after doing something like that?”

“Well, it really depends on what information we give the court.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Charlie's red hair blurred when she turned to her boss, but Lu didn't look at her. He was trying to watch this guy, trying to read him, read _anything_ off of him, trying to understand _exactly_ what he had just said. “What?” That came out a bit weaker than he meant it to be.

Zachariah continued like nothing was said. “The court often decides on what to do on custody situations based on what the Department of Child and Family Services tells them to do, and right now your case doesn't look too strong Mr. Pellegrino. Lilith is a young girl. How do you think it looks when another strange man is practically living in the home?”

“He's not-”

“Or when her father is having the same relationship with a man as he would a woman? It confuses these young kids. Not to mention it damages her self-esteem when there's hardly a woman in her life.”

“What?”

“I'm sorry, Mr. Pellegrino,” Fuller shook his head. “Right now, DCFS is siding with Miss Ruby Cortese in this case, at least until you can attempt at getting your act together before this goes to court. You'll be getting a letter in to notify you of the date.”

“ _What?”_ Lu jumped when Charlie practically screamed.

Naomi, who had the decency to look at least a little shocked, turned towards her with a warning glare. “Charlie-”

“Miss Day,” Fuller glared at her in mock confusion, “Is there something you'd like to address?”

Charlie glanced to Lu, shocked at herself for doing something in the first place, before turning back to her boss. “Sir, I'm the worker assigned to Lily's case. She's doing amazingly with her father, and she looks up to his boyfriend so much. There's nothing to indicate that-”

“We don't know what goes on behind closed doors, Miss Day.”

“But-”

Fuller ignored her, turning back to Lu. “I'm sorry about that, Mr. Pellegrino, and thank you for taking time out of your day to speak with us. You're dismissed.”

It was Zachariah. _That_ was Ruby's link in DCFS. He knew it. He knew that she had someone on the inside from the start. He wanted to accuse him of it, wanted to say something, scream something, punch something- Lu got up and left.

* * *

For a good two hours, Lu was pissed to Hell and back. How could they do something like that? People who were supposed to help kids, help his little girl, threaten him over _Balthazar_. Using his lover as fucking _leverage_ against him. He wanted to prove to them how much good that would do. Balthazar made him happy- He made them _both_ happy, dammit. He was their family now. How dare they threaten that? How dare they even attempt at giving Lu a fucking choice?

He stayed good and pissed for as long as he wanted before eventually seeing this as too serious to fuck up during a rage. He had to play this low and smart, just like they were trying to do. He had to do this right.

But... they _were_ right. Sure, he could easily argue in a court case that the Director of fucking DCFS threatened his custody of his own daughter solely based on the gender of his partner. That was clearly bullshit, assuming the jury wouldn't be homophobic, too. But it was to _get_ to that point. Like Fuller said, DCFS could release whatever they wanted about the case, including withhold whatever they wanted. Yeah, Lu could bring that up in court, too, but without all of the documentation, it would end up being he said she said. And court often did side with the mother. But if Zachariah was already this far up Ruby's ass, who's to say it would matter what he did now? He passed the DNA test, so he throws out this curve ball? Who else could he go to? What else could he do until a judge and jury decided that Lily would remain with him? Was this it, then? Was he just a pawn to their whims? Did he have no other say?

It was too much to think about right now, and DCFS would be in contact again soon. They couldn't do this to people, it was definitely wrong, but the ball wasn't in his court right now. For all intents and purposes, his hands were tied.

And Lily was too important to try _faking_ a breakup.

When the door opened, though, he thought about trying it anyway because he was greeted by the most beautiful man in the world. “Luce?” Balthazar sounded concerned for a moment, then it all crumbled into worry. “What's wrong?”

If he did this, he would have to go through all of Ruby's shit without Balthazar's strength. No late night phone calls, no quick meet-ups, no sleep overs- He decided to go with the truth. He had to. “We need to talk.”

The blonde moved aside for him immediately, obviously struggling to not repeat his question, but Lu didn't walk into the loft anyway. He went straight to Balthazar, holding on to the front of his shirt as warm hands went around him just like he wanted them to.

The door closed behind him, as Balthazar moved with him like a dance. “Love, what's going on?”

Lu swallowed, tried to form words, and let go to back away from him. His hands combed through his hair as the strawberry blonde turned away. “You're going to be pissed.” That much he knew was true, but he didn't want this to dissolve into a screaming match. Balthazar would call him a coward, unwilling to fight for what they had. “You are going to be so pissed off.”

“Just tell me.” When Lu turned back to see him, Balthazar hadn't moved from his place by the door, likely giving them both plenty of space. “What's going on, Lu? What is it? Is it Lily? Is she okay?”

“She-” Lu rubbed at his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, she's all right. It was DCFS though.”

When he paused again, not knowing entirely of how to go on, Balthazar looked around. “You want to sit? I've got Brandy.”

He couldn't help it. He laughed. “No, I-... No...” Lu's smile faded as quickly as it appeared before he told the floor, “The Director at DCFS wanted to talk to me today about Ruby's visit.”

Silence stalled between them... Of course Balthazar didn't know what this was about, but Lu didn't know how to continue this conversation. Should he just throw it all out there? Should he ignore it completely? Should he just come up with that lie from the start? “Look, they-... _He_ \- Zachariah Fuller. He, uh- I think he knows Ruby personally...”

Balthazar, in another pause of silence, decided to take a step closer. “You said she probably had a mole in there. I didn't think it'd be the fucking Director.”

“Yeah... Me either. And he's... trying to play dirty.”

“What did he tell you?”

He looked back up to Balthazar, who somehow already seemed to be on the edge of anger. Not that he could blame him. “He, uh-” Lu looked away again. “He's bringing the case to court... and he told me that the jury would side with the mother before they let a same sex couple have custody...” With it finally out there and in the open, Lu chanced a look at Balthazar again, seeing much of the same shock go over his face as he had felt back in that office.

“They-” He paused for a second, eyes full of thought. “They can't do that. That's... _illegal_. It's-... She fucking abandoned her. Does that man really think a judge would ignore that?”

Lu licked his lips. “Fuller said that if I didn't-” get his _act_ together “-change things, then they would give or withhold the information they have as they see fit... Without their proof, it'll be my word against Ruby's.”

“No, they can't do that. Withholding information from a court case? That's fucking federal. That's-”

“I can't afford to call his bluff.” Lu's eyes locked on Balthazar's, even though he really wished he hadn't. It seemed that the reason for his visit to his lover's home was only just now revealed, like it would have been obvious that Lu wouldn't have just rolled over to do whatever they wanted, like he cared just a little more for the other man, like he would have fought them on it.

Balthazar slowly stepped back, like he'd just been shot, right before his eyes flashed in anger. “They can't do this!” At least he was screaming about them, and not what he more than likely was thinking. “Lu, they can't do that to you! This is all Ruby! She's fucking around with you! Don't you see?”

“Of course, I do!” And dammit all, he exploded. “I don't know what the hell she wants with Lily, but the bitch is desperate! I see that, okay? I know! What the hell you want me to do? You want me to fight it? You want me to act like that didn't just happen? They have my whole damn life in their hands, Balthazar! What the hell can I do?”

“You're letting them! You're giving this to them!”

“ _Better you than my little girl!”_

Balthazar flinched back this time, like that stung as much as he felt it did, before the blonde turned away.

… _Shit_. “No, I- Balthazar, I didn't-”

“I know.” But the words sounded too hollow and distant, even as the blonde turned back to him, rubbing his jaw. “I know you didn't, Luce... You're right, though. Neither of us can afford that. There's more at risk here. With Ruby playing the homophobic card, there might be more at risk than we realize. You're right.”

“Balthazar-”

“I know you didn't mean it like that, Luce. It's o-”

In three strides, Lu was in front of him, gripping at his shirt again. “It is not okay. Nothing about this is okay.” For a moment, Balthazar's mouth hung open like he had a comeback, but it finally closed and his face was unreadable. “I don't want to do this. You realize that, right? I do not want to do this. I don't want to _lose_ this. You understand?”

Arms didn't wrap around him this time, blue eyes didn't burn through him with worry. “I know.”

No, no. This isn't what he wanted. This isn't what he meant to happen. He had no idea what he expected, but he didn't want this. Lu licked his lips. “I'm so sorry... Balthazar. I didn't- I- I just-”

Hands lightly guided him to the couch, and his legs gave out just as he ran into it, promptly sitting him down. His mind was a tornado, everything was overwhelming him right now, and Lu gripped tighter to his anchor. “I am so sorry,” he said again, looking up at Balthazar's bright blue eyes, only seeing the walls built behind them. He didn't want this. His knuckles turned white. A whine escaped his throat. “I love you.” Now the blonde looked at him in pity. “I love you. I love you.”

Balthazar moved forward, allowing Lu to pull him close by the waist to wrap him in a tight hug. Familiar hands glided through his hair, as he cried _again_ in front of Balthazar. “If you need anything,” the voice was too controlled to be of any comfort, “I'll always be right here.”

“I need _you!_ ” Lu's was muffled against Balthazar. “I love you! I don't want to do this. I love you. Balthazar, I love you. I love you so much. Please... _Please._ ”

The blonde didn't answer. Just weaved his fingers through the soft strawberry blonde hair, until Lu could eventually feel more strength than he could give right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm going to lose readers just for this chapter. Go reread Chapter 23 if it'll make you feel better. I'm sorry!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Roberta Flack's The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. Yeah, I heard it first on X-Men, but it's a great song.

Time had slowed to a crawl inside of the cold loft. Traffic wasn't even loud enough to penetrate the walls on a Sunday morning. The only sounds that simulated any bit of life was the tapping of rain against the windows and Roberta Flack's voice singing low from the phone on the night stand.

_The first time ever I saw your face_

Balthazar had enough sense to at least turn on some oldies music before the loft got too quiet. He hadn't aimed for any love song, not that the words or the meanings thereof were never even noted. Music just kept him grounded when things were like this.

_I thought the sun rose in your eyes_

Cocoa had curled against him at some point in the night, demanding attention from the still hands every now and then. Right now, the little fluff ball slept against his chest, rising and falling with the sound of the rain.

Balthazar, for all intents and purposes, just stared at the wall, trying very hard to not think about everything right now.

_And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave_

He doesn't even know when anymore, but Balthazar had long ago put every number in his contacts on a reject call list. He liked the music, but the ringing got annoying very quickly. The chimes of texts, however, he could handle. Just little bumps in the flow of stillness. Small ripples that couldn't interrupt anything.

_To the dark and the endless skies, my love_

He told himself more than once that this was an overreaction. The reasons behind all of this was made perfectly clear and seemed more than logical. But he knew how he _felt_ about it. _Thinking_ about it, for right now, was completely out of the question. He remembered shutting down in front of him. It was just easier to keep the same rhythm.

_To the dark and the endless skies_

The first few loud poundings on his door went ignored, figuring that the effort to even so much as look in that direction was way too much that he was willing to give over such a stupid thing. It didn't _matter_. Whoever was on the other side, it just didn't _matter_.

They knocked again, louder. “Balthazar, are you in there?” That time he looked over to Castiel's voice. “I just want to know if you're alive right now! Humor me!”

_And the first time ever I kissed your mouth_

“I'm not leaving, Balthazar. Open up.”

He looked back to the same spot on his wall, debating on what to do. Get up and face Cas or let the cops barge in who were no doubt already on speed dial. Now who was overreacting?

“Balthazar?”

_I felt the earth move in my hand_

It was surprisingly easy to swipe a hand over his phone to pause the music as he got up, stirring the cat a bit. In a couple of strides, he unlocked the door and opened it.

Castiel, eyes wide with shock that the door opened so fast, looked the blonde up and down. Boxers and a t-shirt was good enough, right? “Are you okay?”

Balthazar huffed a long sigh, leaning against the door for stability. “Cassie, Cassie... To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The other man looked him up and down again, brows furrowing with suspicion. “You weren't answering your phone.”

“Many people don't when they don't want to be bothered. What do you want?”

Ignoring the question, a skill that Cas was talented in, he furrowed his brow more to the point of squinting. “I only started calling after I went by your shop to see if you wanted to get lunch together. Instead I found Anna about to have a panic attack, because they haven't seen or heard from you in nearly three days.”

“They managed a year without me,” he grimaced back, “I think they can handle a few days.”

Castiel's foot wedged into the door, which must have hurt considering how hard Balthazar had tried to slam it in his face. The blonde growled, but didn't get to demand what he wanted seeing as how this was a bit far for lunch, before Cas spoke again. “What's wrong?” The door flung open again so the blonde could give him a proper glare, but the other man just frowned back at him. “It's something bad. What happened?”

It was Balthazar's turn to ignore the questions as he went straight to, “What the hell do you want, Cas?”

The dark haired man stood still for a moment, critically studying his friend over a concerned frown. After a moment, right before Balthazar was about to try slamming the damn door again, he asked, “Can I come in?”

He debated it. He _really_ debated it, but Castiel wasn't the type to give up so easily. He would just end up calling someone else, and the last person that needed to be told of this nonsense was Lu. “Fine,” he growled, swinging the door open and turning away towards the kitchen, the kitten now awake and following close at his heels.

Cas' foot falls and door closing shut drowned out the sound of rain. It was something different, something changing the current, and a part of him hated it. He just wanted to go back to the stillness, but maybe this was good. The cat had to be hungry, after all.

As if to answer him, a tiny meow met his ears as he neared Cocoa's food bowls. While he fed the little thing, he heard Cas sit at his tiny kitchen table, just going ahead and making himself right at home. Not that Balthazar minded that much. It just implied that he wasn't leaving anytime soon. But the blonde stood up and decided to go ahead and put the kettle on. What the hell, right? Sounded like Cas was here to stay.

As the stove eye clicked to life, his friend finally spoke up again. “You don't want to talk about it, do you?”

“Pray tell,” Balthazar reached into his cupboard for a couple of mugs, “what was your first clue?”

“I hate to say it,” but he was going to anyway, “but I'm not leaving until I know what's going on.”

“That sounds a bit nosy of you.” He had to open a whole new box of tea bags just for this. Figures. But maybe tea would help him out, too. Maybe just moving around would help. It just seemed so much easier to let the world stop, though.

“I want to help.”

It took a moment for Balthazar to catch back up to the conversation. Right. Nosy. “Maybe there's some things out there that you can't help, hmm?”

“Maybe I can't save us from the inevitable nuclear apocalypse, but I can help my friend get up in the afternoon.”

Felt like morning. The blonde turned to face him, giving a strained smile, but it didn't look to do any damage to Castiel's frustrated face. “How kind of you to try.”

Once he turned back to the stove, the conversation lulled off into the quiet, the rain the only small constant in his life again. That is until the kettle began to scream, and Cas figured that was his cue to attempt conversation again. “It's okay if you don't want to talk to me, but I still want to know how I can help you.”

There was a worry under his words that could have easily been missed if Balthazar didn't know him so well. The control he held, the long silences between sentences, the careful choosing of words- Yes, he was quite worried. Castiel thought that he was going through a bad episode again, which was clearly why he wasn't repeating his questions or guessing at the matter, for fear that Balthazar would blow up. And he would. He absolutely would right now.

He leaned against the counter with a warm mug between his hands, the other still steaming on the surface next to him, though his friend made no moves to take it. Cas stared at him, just like he had since he walked into the loft. Balthazar ignored the eyes boring into him and blew at his tea. “Lu broke up with me.” He took a long sip, the nearly boiling water searing down his throat, but the pain felt nice and the taste was warm. It felt good, made him feel a little more alive than he had thirty minutes ago.

Only after he sighed did he realize that there was no response made. He wasn't sure what exactly would be said, but silence wasn't what he expected... Cas was looking for him to get lunch initially. How long had it been since he even ate? “You hungry?” Balthazar wasn't, but he sat the mug down all the same, searching for a pan to put on the stove.

Castiel's voice came out quiet, weak, and hurt with shock. “Are you sleeping?”

“Do you want to earn your food or not? Get the eggs. Wash your hands.” He pointed resolutely at the refrigerator and was pleased when, after a hesitant beat, Cas got up and did as was told. They stood side by side, making a small meal together in thankful silence.

* * *

The first day, Lu tried to tell himself that all of this was going to be okay in the end. He'd get custody, get back with Balthazar, and the world would be right again. Fooling himself didn't last long, so he just resorted to acting like everything was going to be okay.

No one really seemed to be fooled by it, not even Lily, right up until Gabriel and Michael decided to give them a surprise visit. As soon as Lu opened the door, he could see right through whatever they claimed this was. It had _intervention_ written all over it. All the rest took was cornering him.

Somehow, Gabriel ended up distracting Lily in the living room while Michael sat himself with Lu at the kitchen table. “All right,” his brother began, folding his arms against the table, “What is it?”

“What's what?” Lu didn't look to him, but merely watched the living room where his girl was. Going around the subject wasn't going to work, but he tried to deflect it anyway, tried to make it obvious how much he didn't want to go into this.

But Michael, of course, persisted. “I know all of this has been hell on you, but something happened not long ago that made all of this a lot worse. Everyone sees it, even the baby. Something else is wrong.”

“You think the threat of losing my daughter isn't enough to break me down, Michael?” He still didn't look to him.

“If it was just that, then you would have broken a long time ago. Was it Ruby? This started right after you told me she came by.”

_Fuck._ Lu sighed and leaned back in the chair, turning his attention towards the table. It was smart how they did this, how they knew Michael was the only one to beat this out of him. “Turns out,” he sighed again, rubbing his face, “the Director at DCFS is homophobic. I think he might know Ruby, too, but that's not the issue right now. He told me that they wouldn't back a same sex couple getting custody of a child, so I broke things off with Balthazar.” After a broken moment, Michael didn't speak up. Lu swallowed, muttering, “I think I hurt him.”

“Lu-”

“I told him the truth,” he deftly tried to defend himself, sitting straighter, “Told him everything that happened, but it didn't really... end up going as planned. He was just-” Shut off. Completely closed away from him. A totally different person. Lu knew more than most how much a family meant to him, and he tore that trust to shreds. “I think I hurt him pretty badly.”

After a full second, Michael shifted. “Lu, you- You didn't have to break up. So long as they believed-”

“I wasn't about to half ass it if the drawback meant losing Lily,” he hissed back, “That bitch stooped this low. She wants my little girl _bad_. I'm not letting her anywhere _near_ her.” Fuck second chances. Fuck being a mother. Fuck the sake of reason. Ruby went too far. She was never getting Lily, in any form. “Besides, I-... I wouldn't have been able to keep going like this without him if I knew he was still there. I had to do this.”

His brother combed a hand through his hair in frustration, a trait they both shared when things were tense. “Fuck... _Fuck_...” Lu knew that Michael had greatly approved of Balthazar as a part of their family, so what he felt was definitely not just for show. “It's not over, Lu. Ruby can't possibly get any more high ground, not after playing all of these cards. If this is going to court like you said, then there's no way that they'll let her have sole custody.” But joint was still not out of the question, and that burned Lu. “And when it's over, when all this fucking bullshit is done, you and Balthazar can fix whatever happened. I know he loves you, Lu. I saw the way he looked at-”

“Oh, God. Just stop.”

“I'm serious. He-”

“It's not happening, Michael. Get your head out of your ass.”

“ _Lu-”_

He slammed his hand on the table, getting silence through the whole apartment and his brother to flinch away from him. A full ten seconds after Gabriel started to talk again, no doubt to distract his baby from the sudden noise, Lu relaxed back in his chair. “I fucked up.” This was the third time they had gone through doubts. He wasn't about to put Balthazar in an on again off again relationship when the man deserved _so much more_ than a college dropout that couldn't make up his mind. “I wouldn't want me either.”

Mike let out a long sigh and quickly stood up from the table. “We'll talk about this again when you're done sulking,” he growled, moving to the living room.

* * *

“Mail for you,” Alfie chirped next to Sam's elbow, “from the courthouse, it looks like.”

The intern, a quiet kid who had more knowledge behind his baby eyes than most realized, placed the manilla envelope on Sam's new-but-slightly-used desk.

The Winchester had been working more hours lately once the lawyer in charge of the firm he worked at agreed to take Lu's potential custody battle. Raphael Barnes' exact words were, “Give me everything you got on the mother, and I'll see to it that your friend keeps his kid,” after Sam told him the whole situation.

“Thanks, man,” Sam picked up the envelope, hoping this was one of the pieces he had been waiting for.

“You want any lunch?” Alfie asked as he headed back to the door, “Someone volunteered me to fetch burgers for everyone.”

Sammy laughed, remembering those _wonderful_ days of being an intern. “Nah, but thanks. I brought a salad.”

“Figured you did,” the kid shrugged, leaving the office as the Winchester finally got the envelope open.

Just as he had been hoping for the last week, it was Ruby's background check. “Finally,” he whispered to himself, pulling out the package and flipping to the first page. Sure, he probably could have gone and picked all of this up himself, but things were currently not in too much of a rush right now, as was the joy of custody battles. Still, the first thing he read made his stomach flip without much prior notice. What the fuck was he looking at?

He turned the page, kept turning until things started to make a little bit more sense to him, trying to find a shred of the woman he barely knew in college. Maybe this was the wrong person. Maybe he got the wrong social security number or the wrong date of birth. But pictures of her were all over the packet... He just gave up and flipped to the back, not entirely ready for what he saw in front of him.

This was bullshit. It had to be.

He grabbed the papers and ran out of his office. “Alfie, wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, no! Another cliffhanger! Whatever will you do!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Eta Carinae Nebula: NGC 2264](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423195) by [linatrinch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch)




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